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Showing posts with label Nutshells. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Nutshells. Show all posts

Dark Souls in a Nutshell

I guess this game appeals to the crowd that hates story lines in their games and just gets off on seeing their stats rise? If this sounds good to you, I have a game for you. Next time your mom drives you to the mall, watch her speedometer. Your mom's mileage stat just keeps rising! Watch out, if it rises too high, she might cast the "Help pay for gas" spell on you. - Old Man Murray

Upon playing this game and not liking it many years ago, I endured incessant heckling about how I just needed to "git gud" and how my disliking the game for being a monotonous and dull experience meant that I had no credibility as a gamer. So, after having given it another chance at their behest and still not finding anything remotely enjoyable about it, it's time for me to do what I do best - throw out more caustic language about their god anonymous14884206669's favorite game ever and watch them bitch about how I'm "biased" (as if they're not) and I didn't give it a "fair chance" (as though they've ever given anything they weren't told to a fair shake) and how they're "better than me" because they spent 1638 hours grinding out every last cheevo for their Xbox Live profile in the most boring pile of dung ever shat out and then at least 400 times that long waging war in its name on the Internet just to prove to their sixth-grader gods how "manly" and "cool" they are.  Which is right up there on the pathetic scale with playing Grand Theft Auto constantly and watching Scarface twice a day to prove how "Gangsta" you are. Or beating up digital effigies of your enemies in Soul Calibur Smash Bros to prove that you're a "tough guy"...

I could do that.  Or I could just explain why I don't think it's very good and get a much more vicious and hateful response when it becomes clear that I'm not just "being a contrarian troll". Because the society we live in apparently treats any kind of critique toward the disposable entertainment media one consumes as a grave affront to one's personal sensibilities that must be avenged at all costs, up to and including abuse, round-the-clock harassment and physical violence.  Yep, you're sure to change peoples' minds that way, guys!  Bullying people into silence or brainwashed obedience to the will of your personal echo chamber means you're always right! Don't forget to heap on plenty of character assassination while you're at it, too - by casually dropping buzzwords like "racist" or "casual" or "fanboy" or "hypocrite" or "biased" in reference to your new mortal enemy, you can magically derail any criticism toward your idol of worship and turn any pack of unemployable forum-dwelling losers looking for someone to talk down to into your personal footmen!  Better yet, they'll never even spare a thought for what they're going to war over, whether your terrible personality and reputation might possibly disqualify your call to arms from consideration or even whether anything you're saying is remotely true, because these nihilistic scumfucks literally do not care; they've been trained raised by Youtube, 8Chan, Reddit, Tumblr and Kiwi Farms to instantly accept anything a depraved malignant narcissist says as gospel (no matter how unproven, fallacious or discredited it is), to bark out mindless praise and affirmation at their every psychotic act and to never question anything they do under threat of being marked as one of their future victims.  Which means all you have to do is beat the war drum over any petty, meaningless shit you can (the more petty and meaningless, the better; that way you can indoctrinate stupid kids with no real problems or responsibilities, abundant free time and untapped college funds into your bullshit culture war too!) and keep finding or inventing new scapegoats for them to launch vicious hate campaigns against for a few days/weeks/months/years at a time and they'll gladly eat up any handful of shit you feed them!  Hell, you could tell any of these meth heads that "Person X said the sky is blue when it's CLEARLY GREEN" and they'd walk out of social studies class right then and there, march straight home under sunny skies, log in to their mom's Compaq and go to war with just as much puerility and vitriol as if Person X had burned their house down and shot their dog; they're that deranged!  So quit your job, drop out of college, drown your conscience in the bathtub, and resign yourself to mediocrity, hatred and impotent rage so you and your army of braindead zealots can wage war in the name of a billion dollar company's drop-in-the-bucket video game that even you won't ever play again three months from now!  It's the only chance at recognition you'll ever get in the entirety of your vapid, shallow and talentless existences, so fight, goddammit!  FIGHT!!  FIGHT!!!

---

The game opens with a long, long, long cutscene explaining how a bunch of characters rose up against a dark dragon and that's causing the world to slowly end, or something.  It all ends up being pretty inconsequential anyway because there's virtually no plot in the game itself unless you feel like going well out of your way to find easily-missed NPCs and scraps of paper that fill in the story one tiny clue at a time (and considering how dingy and washed-out the graphics are, how monotonous the character designs are and how the overwhelming majority of other characters in the game mindlessly attack you on sight, you could easily mistake them for enemies and kill them before they say their piece).  Not to mention the fact that by the time you've endured all the dozens of cheap deaths and gotten to a new area, you've most likely stopped caring that this game has a story anyways.

This idea is apparently based on author's experiences as a child, where he'd only get to read partially translated passages of various books and have to guess at what led the story to that point.  Fair enough I guess, but it really doesn't make for an interesting or captivating narrative when  you just get random, out-of-context story fragments and the rest is filled in with pure guesswork in between long stretches of the same repetitive, tedious gameplay, with no characters or any real journey or motivation to get invested in other than "slay next big monster in your path, repeat till game says stop".  I'm by no means opposed to stories having loose ends in order to leave the door open for expansions or sequels, or just leaving elements open to fan interpretation, but leaving 90% of the plot, setting and characterizations as a blank slate so fanboys can fill it all in themselves and spend the next 30+ years waging war over the fact that "Miyazaki never said that my fan fiction wasn't 100% correct so that means IT IS" is a crutch for the hackest of hack writers to try and sell 'depth' where there isn't any.  Especially when games like Fallout, Ultima, Planescape Torment, Morrowind and Zelda have proven you can have a game dense with lore and worldbuilding and still have varied, interesting and challenging gameplay too. 
 
Also, here's a thought: instead of reliving someone else's childhood frustrations and then bragging about how "smart" you are when you fill in all the gaps in their narrative with a novel's worth of unsubstantiated fan fiction, why not just put the controller down for a while, break out a pen and paper and write your own story instead?  It'd certainly be a much more interesting experience, save you about $54 in costs and spare you from roughly 1,583 hours of arguing with masturbatory meatheads over "what it really means and why everyone else is a stupid asshole for thinking otherwise"...

Next come the mechanics, which are seemingly made as cryptic as possible to push the illusion that this game is a lot "deeper" and more complex than it really is.  It's fairly simple to intuit what stats like Strength and Endurance and Intelligence are for if you're an RPG fan, but "Humanity" is given no satisfactory explanation in the game itself, nor is it even explained that it's a limited resource you can easily run out of your first time through. Also not immediately clear is what weapons/armor you find are better or worse than what you currently have, or what starting classes' advantages and disadvantages are so you can plan your strategies accordingly.  You can't even easily find out what the requirements for equipment are as the game flatly refuses to tell you; you just have to grind souls, raise your strength stat (or whatever other arbitrary stat it runs off of) point by point and hope that's enough to finally equip it without penalties.

People compare this lack of user feedback to 1980's CRPGs where they had to cram all the code for a game onto a handful of floppy disks and thus most or all descriptive text for classes, weapons, armor, etc. was relegated to the manual, but I say that's patently wrong.  First of all, old games actually bothered to put that stuff in their manuals while Dark Souls lacks any kind of meaningful documentation (the in-box 'manual' being your typical worthless controller diagram and copyright information leaflet) and second, Dark Souls came out in 2011.  We live in the age of DVD and Blu-Ray; I shouldn't have to stop every two minutes and look shit up on a fan-made wiki just to figure out the basic rules of the game.  And that's assuming you aren't one of the first people to buy it on launch day, which would just mean you have to figure it all out yourself through trial-and-error.  Maybe I'm just some kind of asshole, but when a video game expects me to spend magnitudes more time puzzling out every last hidden rule and calculate stats and retread the same half-hour-long stretch over and over and over again until I have it 100% perfectly memorized and executed, it just turns me off to the whole thing.  Video games are an entertainment medium, they shouldn't feel like an engineering project.
 
If you want a perfect example of how to do complex design well, I will point you to Dwarf Fortress, Civilization or Final Fantasy Tactics.  All of these games have a ton of rules and complex mechanics operating under the hood, but they also have convenient tutorials that are only a keypress away. You can press the ? key, right-click or press Select on literally any icon or menu option and get a quick, to-the-point explanation of what that particular option, item, unit, stat or skill/tech does, and they still manage to be challenging games. Opaqueness is not challenge, it's just a cheap way to make your game seem deeper than it really is and to make the few with the free time and patience to puzzle out your undocumented mechanics feel high and mighty about their meager, useless accomplishment.  In other words, it's the mark of a hack. Quit doing it.

Anyway, we wake up as a zombie in a jail cell and soon escape, using a broken sword to fight our way through the extremely inspired gray castle dungeon and the one type of enemy within it - more zombies!  Exciting stuff, I know.  But you'd best get used to it, because that's the extent of the combat experience for a huge stretch of the game - the same one enemy type over and over again, each of whom can drain more than half of your health with a single hit.  They usually die in only 2-3 hits themselves, but regardless, it really doesn't make the combat very interesting.  Or entertaining.  

Not aiding matters are the janky physics and animations in the game, which, in addition to making everything look weightless and phony like bad CG animation from 1996, causes enemies' dead bodies to ragdoll and glitch everywhere upon the slightest contact.  Your attacks stop dead if you swing your sword in narrow corridors and hit a wall mid-swing (and you will, since every press of the attack button results in a huge, wide sweep that looks utterly ridiculous and leaves you wide open if you miss).  Your character moves like they're coated in Crisco as they slip off platforms and ledges at the slightest provocation while enemies never do.  Your dodge move is all but useless as it takes nearly a full second to respond after pressing the button, ensuring that anything you try to dodge will almost always just hit you instead.  Enemies just arbitrarily decide not to get stunned sometimes when you land a clean blow, letting them get in a cheap hit and probably kill you.  There are near-constant frame skips, input delays and stuttering, making timing dodges and attacks with precision unfeasible.  The PC version seems to crash constantly, forcing you to redo even more work through no fault of your own. The lock-on system is also incredibly unintuitive, always seeming to target the most distant enemy in the area and giving any nearby foes a free shot at you in the process.  Not to mention the fact that the control layout is so user-hostile that readying and accurately aiming ranged weapons is all but impossible, to the point where you might as well just not bother with them at all...

I may not be the biggest Ocarina of Time fan, but I can still tell you that that game had a much better lock-on system, crisper ranged aiming and melee combat, as well as more polished physics and a much more intuitive control scheme than Dark Souls does.  And given that OOT came out almost thirteen years before this game did, that should tell you something!  
 
Enemies are not bound by any of these limitations, however, and can freely swing and hit you through walls, floors, bars and ladders that stop your own attacks dead. They're also positioned in dozens of hidey-holes and hidden niches along the path where they lie in wait for you to pass by so they can hit you in the back, turning a good 70% of the experience into a tedious game of hide-and-seek. Not to mention that you're punished for dying by being sent back to the last checkpoint and respawning every enemy on the map, as well as the fact that one innocuous wrong turn can put you in a new area far above your current level, where even the basic low-level monsters can easily one-shot you unless you've spent days and days grinding out levels to face them on equal terms...

An element which was also present in early JRPGs like Phantasy Star, Final Fantasy and Dragon Quest, and people instantly write those games off as "bad" for it.  So why do these exact same people give it a free pass here?  ...Oh, right, because we live in the age of "Cheevos", where slogging through countless hours of bland busywork just to progress a little bit is now a "bragging right" and not the mark of someone who is extremely bored and has nothing better to do with their time.  It honestly wouldn't surprise me if game companies came up with the achievement system as a cheap excuse to pad out games with junk missions and leave in tons of asinine and outdated design tropes and call them "features for hardcore gamers".  Again, if I want to spend weeks of my life doing something mindless, thankless and utterly boring, I'd work a second job; at least then I'd get something more useful for the effort than flipping an arbitrary flag on my "gamer card"  that nobody but me will ever look at anyways.

Further compounding this problem is the game's online multiplayer functionality, in which anonymous players can either ally with you to defeat a boss, or (far more likely) pop into your game uninvited when they're 60-70 levels above you and kill you in one hit for cheap lulz, thereby causing you to lose all of your progress yet again through no fault of your own.  Moreso because the game's terrible netcode ensures that they constantly land backstabs on you even while you're facing directly toward them on your screen.  And unless I missed an option somewhere, there is no way to disable this feature short of pulling your system's LAN connection.  Which, if you're playing on the XBox 360 and have a digital copy of the game, also prevents you from playing the game at all.  Truly wonderful.

Throughout the whole wretched slog, you're accompanied by a dreary, washed-out landscape of gray bricks, decayed gray and beige buildings, a cloudy gray sky, a flat gray landscape, and plenty of pitch black caves and sewers.  Always coated in gray or brown fog, too.  Early-era N64 games were prettier than this crap...

The story tells us that the world is dying, but would it be too much to ask for something other than the usual "gritty" game color palette to look at?  I paid a lot of money for a high-definition television capable of displaying over 16 million colors, and yet every major game developer seems to insist on putting nothing but the three most unappealing ones to the human eye in their games.  We have the technology and the talent to make beautiful games sporting captivating and imaginative world design, heartfelt and passionate storytelling on the level of a world-class novel and dazzling visuals that can give Steven Spielberg himself a run for his money, yet every AAA studio is so devoid of imagination or humanity that they ignore all of that and instead model their gameplay entirely around tedious grinding in barren environments seemingly based on the most destitute stretches of North Korea...

Brutal and reclusive military dictatorship devastated by famine and disease, or From Software's latest blockbuster hit?  Click the picture for the startling answer!

The franchise as a whole also features some truly inspired audio design by immersing the player in the dulcet tones of completely silent dead air!  Not even a speck of ambient noise anywhere most of the time.  Between this, the drab, lifeless visuals and the monotonous rock-em-sock-em robots combat, it doesn't take long before you start falling asleep from sheer sensory deprivation.  I also have to say that for all the praise this series gets for being "epic" and "revolutionary" and "perfect" and "the best, most important games ever created"*, it's severely underdeveloped in some very key areas...

*Yes, people have actually said all of these things to me without a hint of irony.  So Nolan Bushnell, Andrew Greenberg, Robert Woodhead, Alexey Pajitnov, Henk Rogers, Takashi Tezuka, Shigeru Miyamoto, Yoshio Sakamoto, Yoshinori Kitase, Shinji Mikami, Hideaki Itsuno, Richard Garriott, Warren Spector, John Carmack, Will Wright, Sid Meier... forget all those hacks, they're worthless plebian smoothbrains compared to the one true god Miyazaki, apparently.

 I'm also not saying every game has to have an amazing orchestral score by Kenji Ito or Hiroki Kikuta or Yasunori Mitsuda, but can we at least have, you know, something interesting to listen to while we play?  It might lend a little bit of an adventurous/foreboding feel to the proceedings instead of just compounding the dullness and monotony.  Hell even Super Mario Bros. managed to string together a couple of catchy backing tracks, and that came out 26 years before this game!

The worst part is that they actually could have used this design decision in an interesting way.  In games like Thief: The Dark Project and Metal Gear Solid 3, the lack of music lets you listen for subtle audio cues that you need to gauge enemies' positions, either to avoid them or plan a stealth attack that won't alert a mass of enemies to your presence.  Hell, since most of the enemies are either undead or freakish supernatural aberrations, it even could have added perfectly to the horror of the scenario; in a game where one enemy is a significant threat and trying to take on a whole group at a time will usually result in your death, adding a stealth element could have easily helped to make the mood and overall more tense.  But since all of Dark Souls' enemies remain inert and completely silent until you're close enough for them to attack you and opportunities to backstab unaware monsters are extremely rare, the lack of sound design here just feels like it was done out of laziness.  I'm sorry, but if you're going to sell the idea that anything is the cream of the crop, best-of-the-best, absolute pinnacle of its medium, then it'd better be pretty damn amazing and well-oiled in every respect, sound design included!

Anyway, it doesn't take long before you realize that there's really just not much to Dark Souls beyond what it shows you in the first five minutes - generic, desolate environments with copy-pasted enemy battles every five steps, pure guesswork on what path will take you to your next goal and which one will take you to instant death by a cheap trap or enemies far above your current level, scraps of text and dialog written to sound important and profound but which deliberately add up to nothing substantial (leaving the door open for mediocre assholes to project whatever self-serving elitism they want into it), and the occasional damage-sponge boss you'll have to waste hours figuring out Miyazaki's one intended solution for and execute it flawlessly or you just die instantly.  And what's your reward for puzzling out the one and only way to solve each boss, knocking down their screen-long health bar one pixel at a time and repeating 30+ minutes of work between each failed attempt?   ...You get to go to another equally desolate, uninteresting maze full of one monster type with another trial-and-error puzzle boss at the end and spend hours upon hours doing it all again!  Yeah.  After the first couple rounds of this tedious dogshit I'd had quite enough and shut it off for good.

Do you recall my nutshells and reviews where I rambled about how mediocre games like Halo, Fable, Jade Empire, Mass Effect, Bioshock, Dead Space, Dishonored and Dragon Age got tons of acclaim for stuff that PC games had already done better years prior simply because they were released on consoles and their fans had never played anything like them before owing to platform bias?  Same idea here; Dark Souls may have some of the elements of a good open-world action RPG, but it's lacking the most important one in that there's no hook to the game whatsoever.  In fact, I'll even go so far as to say it's one of the most overhyped, underwhelming and pretentious gaming experiences this side of Valkyrie Profile. An open-ended adventure tailored toward "hardcore gamers" is all well and good, but when the controls and physics in the game are such a chore to deal with, the aesthetics are so unappealing, there's no decent puzzles or narrative whatsoever, the whole combat experience the game builds itself on is so one-note, janky and tedious and the entire experience is just empty, nihilistic grinding toward a vague promise of something interesting eventually happening, you really have no desire to keep playing it after the first few hours, let alone see it through to the end.

...Unless, of course, you're motivated by factors that ultimately have nothing to do with the game itself and think you're proving something by grinding out points and items for 1638 hours to unlock a flag on your "Gamer Card" that nobody but you ever looks at anyway.  But if you're not swayed by the vague promise of "prestige" that using Fextralife's convenient guide to unlock every arbitrary digital trophy at least 48,611 people have already earned will allegedly bring you, Dark Souls just comes off as a completely forgettable experience that only got as much attention as it did because its publisher bought tons of advertising and glowing press coverage for it.  And since we've already seen that most people will unquestioningly treat anything that their top-secret repository of infallible wisdom, the very first search result on YouTube, says as gospel... well, draw your own conclusions there.  

"Deadly Towers? I saw that on AVGN; boy all the games from the '80s and '90s sure were trash! I also read all of Something Awful's crap reviews and laughed at the constant casual racism on X-Play! I'm a Real Gamer now, time to make a shitty Youtube channel where I swear a lot and use popular video games as an inroad to corrupt teenagers to my prejudices!  I'm so talented and awesome, go me!" 

Oh, and I just adore the fact that this game's fans go around claiming to be "old school" and "hardcore" while shunning anything and everything made before 2006 because "lol shit grafx fuck those games".  They also conveniently ignore the fact that the Souls franchise itself is a "dumbed down" reworking of an an older game franchise they can't even name without checking Wikipedia, let alone honestly claim to have played. (By the way, literally none of these people knew or cared about that earlier franchise when it was new or even does now, but as soon as big name publishers like Sony and Atlus and Namco Bandai start publishing the exact same style of games From Software is suddenly the fucking messiah? Give me a break.) Hell, they can't even name a single reason why their "favorite game" is so great that isn't an empty platitude taken word-for-word from one of the top reviews on Metacritic or a smarmy talking point from some 8chan hyena about who the "real gamers" are.  So why is Souls the one and only franchise they ever need to play to qualify themselves as "hardcore" and "old school" gamers?   ...Oh right, because the publisher's paid shills told them that it was the best game of all time and that as manly men they're obligated to say they replay it at least six times a week and bray constantly on the GameFAQs forums about how it's the best thing since crystal meth and anyone who ever so much as thinks otherwise or plays anything else is a "fake gamer" or a "content tourist" who needs to be bullied into silence so that they can hold on to their nonexistent prestige and make sure their toadies never dare to have an independent thought, let alone begin to question their godly authority and splendor.  Boy, being a thankless, unpaid rent-a-thug in the Namco Bandai Marketing Department's Personal Army is sure a great substitute for having any actual personality, ambition or fulfillment in your life, isn't it?


And no, you cannot convince me that there are people who play this game because they enjoy it, especially when every single "fan" of this game I've ever spoken with or listened to in passing makes a point of ensuring that every other word that leaves their mouths is a carefully scripted and endlessly rehearsed line about how much they hate "filthy casuals" and that any remote mention of someone not liking the game is met with a snarky knee-jerk soundbite taken word-for-word from Reddit about how they're "not real gamers" or should "play some shitty Wii game for babies instead".  Every single one.  Pretending you're some kind of ubermensch over a billion dollar company's throwaway video game is the equivalent of buying a giant truck so you can drive like an asshole constantly and triple-park everywhere you go - a desperate bid to distract from and compensate for your other, more embarrassing shortcomings.  Not to mention the fact that nobody, least of all you, is even going to give a rat's ass about Dark Souls anymore the moment your 'friends' latch onto the next big holier-than-thou trend and turn that into their new religion instead.  And yes, that day will come sooner or later; do you remember how huge the Guitar Hero fad was around 2004?  Sure you do - it was THE game Activision said you had to invest every dime to your name in and devote every waking moment to becoming a perfect hardcore 100% expert at or else you were just another casual noob faggot loser!  Does anyone spare it a thought these days?  Judging from the thousands of copies and plastic guitars I've seen collecting dust in bargain bins at pawn shops and flea marts, not really.  Well, except maybe that guy who dropped out of high school to devote himself to playing it on a professional level;  I'm sure that's not a decision he regrets on a daily basis as he works 11-hour shifts at McDonald's 7 days a week and still has to sleep in his car because can't afford rent! 

What it all comes down to is this: you're phony-assed failjock bullies trying to appropriate a nerd genre so you can look smart without having any actual care for it. You have about as much genuine interest and passion for this medium as the poseur who wrote Ready Player One and show the same performative elitism as jerkasses who make a big show of reading buying classic books and watching 'highbrow' performance art; not because they get anything from it, but because they think everyone else is too stupid and uncultured to and they just want to look highbrow to pretend they're better than them.  Just because you've finished Dark Souls and Bioshock and Mass Effect 2 and Kojima Mind Dump #5 doesn't mean you're some kind of superior intellect now.  Hell you'd probably have an aneurysm trying to get anywhere in something like Ultima V, let alone actually appreciate what makes it a great game.  "I have to actually read to understand the story and learn all the keyboard commands?  Dialog with NPCs and deciphering their clues is mandatory to find key items and reach important locations?  There's way more thought and planning involved than just following a big arrow, grinding stats and memorizing patterns until everything in my way is dead?  I actually have to take risks and suffer penalties for failure?  There's no HD graphics?  No voiceover or overproduced cutscenes?  NO CHEEVOS?!  The fuck's up with that shit!"

A game 99.9999% of today's Real Gamers would take one look at, turn right around, and go back to jerking off to all the boobies and cocks in some overhyped 200 hour cutscene like the Witcher 

That's all I have to say about this whole clusterfuck.  Now if you'll excuse me, I'm off to play a "hardcore" game that features a palette comprised of much more than muted greys and browns, far more inspired and varied audio design, and an overall level of polish that ensures its gameplay is crisp, well-paced, intuitive and legitimately challenging, rather than simply being "difficult" because of deficiencies in design and documentation and arbitrary fanbase-imposed rules that change based on how inadequate Anonymous14884206669's feels at that particular minute:

And rather than doing so to engage in a meaningless circlejerk and win the fleeting approval of a bunch of internet-dwelling sociopaths, I'll be acting in the interest of an "outdated" concept to today's gamer culture:  for my own entertainment.  "HERESY!" rang forth the collective screech of the Cult of Miyazaki, their only sudden movements in weeks kicking up their bedrooms' settled miasma of Dorito dust and stale urine, "Having fun is for FILTHY CASUAL FAGGOT BABIES!  Real gamers work thankless, unfulfilling sweatshop-hour jobs in front of their parents' TVs FOR FREE!!"  

Oh, and if I want a good game based around exploration, fragmented storytelling, legitimate strategic planning and waging the occasional epic battle, I'll pick up one of these instead:

 

 
  

  

 

  

  
  
  

   

  
 
        

 
  

  
 
Not giving a shit about "gamer score" or "forum karma" or other superficial and meaningless Chronically Online Gamer phrenology also means I don't have to care about gatekeeping fuck-knobs whining about how I'm "disrespecting the game and all of its REAL fans" by not forcing myself to play by the exact same set of moronic bullshit rules they made up that morning and which the game itself in no way enforces (and which they don't even fucking follow themselves). Another win over self-important blowhards too busy drawing lines in the sand about who the 'real gamers' are to actually play any games! 

Thank you and good night.

PS: Tracking down my contact information so you can parrot glib talking points from the Gamespot forums about how I'm a "fake gamer" for not playing underwhelming junk solely because Anonymous14884206669 said to, or that "you just hate the game because you suck you whiny bitch lololol", or how "Hidetaka Miyazaki is a GENIUS* on par with Shakespeare or Mozart or da Vinci or Stephenie Meyer and you're just too stupid to understand his BRILLIANCE not me tho I have 397 IQ according to MasterRaceEugenics.biz go kill yourself retard lolololol" or especially "I respect your opinion kid but you'd better delete your entire website and disappear from the internet forever before 'someone' shows up at your ghetto with my daddy's AR-15 and that 3D-printed silencer and bumpstock and ultraextended magazines loaded with tank-piercing cyanide-tipped cop killer bullets he got on the dark web and makes an example of your nigger-loving faggot kike ass and your entire family too subscribe to PewDiePie lolololololol" will only make me like your favorite game less, so kindly abstain from that.  Thanks in advance!

* Probably mistaking him for the other Miyazaki - the one that actually has talent and creative vision in his works and an appreciation of humanity as a concept vastly more nuanced and complex than an arbitrary fucking number on a stat menu.  He also doesn't have to hide behind a death cult of fame-worshipping narcissists that insists he's some god-among-men and if you ever so much as imply otherwise you're a fake gamer who needs to be silenced through any force necessary.

Hoshi wo Miru Hito in a Nutshell

By request, I nutshell a truly awful game!

I've called a lot of games "bad" or "godawful" or "absolutely irredeemable horseshit" in these articles, each with varying degrees of facetiousness and exaggeration involved, but Hoshi wo Miru Hito is... a bit different.  Not only is it objectively terrible from a design viewpoint, but it is a very strong candidate for the worst JRPG ever to be given a commercial release!  We'll get into exactly why as we go, but suffice to say it's a complete failure of game design to the point where even people who have played the worst the NES and Famicom have to offer continue to wonder how anyone at Nintendo ever looked at it and said "Yeah, that's good enough.  Order 50,000 copies.  And don't forget to stamp the Seal of Quality on every single one!"

Spoony: And before you ask, no, this isn't some thoughtless Chinese/Russian/Hong Kong knockoff game released by a no-name company to make a quick buck.  I looked it up; this game was by a Japanese company called "Another" and officially released in the Famicom's heyday by HOT-B - a relatively new publisher at the time, but one which would go on to release several other games across various genres.  We'll talk about them a bit more later.

On paper at least, Hoshi wo Miru Hito (which roughly translates to "Those Who Look at the Stars" or "Stargazers") has a promising concept, following the exploits of four young psychics on a planet under the dominion of a mind-controlling supercomputer as they fight for their freedom.  I use the phrase "on paper" here because while that's what the manual tells us the story is, that's not the plot we get in the game itself.  Not even close, in fact!

Spoony: I've ragged on games before for relegating most of their story to a lazy-assed plot codex, but in those at least the story between the codex and the game itself remained consistent.  Having completely different stories between the manual and the actual game, on the other hand, is downright baffling.  Well, unless you were a troll who happened to get a gig doing advertising for Konami in the 1980s.

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In any case, our adventure opens completely cold with absolutely no introductory text, character establishment or world-building of any kind.  We start with our hero on a heavily-forested overworld and... good lord, these graphics.

Even for 1987, this is ugly as sin!

It's appropriate to say that the visual style of the game is not appealing in the slightest.  Tile-based graphics were the standard at the time, but most games at least attempted to obscure that limitation through clever art design.  Hoshi wo Miru Hito's developers clearly made no such effort; its visuals look rigidly grid-based and the tiles used throughout are far too busy, giving the entire game a cluttered, messy appearance that becomes physically uncomfortable to look at after only a short time.

For comparison, here's the first thing you see upon starting another game which came out less than two months later on the same platform, Final Fantasy:

Not as elaborate, but much more appealing to the eye!

Hell, even the game it's desperately trying to get itself compared to by copying its visual style, Dragon Quest, had clean, beautifully-detailed tiles:

Not bad at all for a series noted for having low production values as late as the Playstation 1 era!

The NES port of Dragon Quest (known as "Dragon Warrior" at the time) even added in some nice touches like shoreline graphics and redone character sprites that could face in four directions.  Granted, that version came out three years after the original Famicom release and two years after Hoshi did, but it still looked a lot nicer than Hoshi's general nastiness!

Anyway, we start off on some nondescript forest peninsula with absolutely no instructions, equipment or money to our name.  So where do we go?  Why, we take one step to our left and end up in the first town, of course.  It's just invisible on the map because, um... it's a town of psychics and they're using their powers to hide from the monsters outside?  ...Yeah, that's the ticket!  See, it's not bad design at all!

Spoony: This idea would be fine if it were done a bit later in the game and given some setup beforehand.  Zelda II actually features a very similar puzzle, with the town of New Kasuto being hidden from view until you find a specific item and follow a couple of clues to discover its location.  But making the first town in the game invisible?  That is exquisitely bad planning!

Once you figure that out, your first instinct as an RPG player would probably be to acquire gold so you can buy some stronger equipment and power up a little so you can venture a bit further out from town without instantly getting slaughtered by stronger mobs.  That's still true here, but it's made difficult to the point of asininity by two more bad design decisions.  First, the enemies on the overworld map have no territorial division based on their power level; in fact, this area has a roughly equal chance of setting you against weak enemies you can handle with ease, or ones that are far above your level and can slaughter you in two hits.  Further making things unfair is a specific enemy type which has a skill that paralyzes a party member with a 100% success rate.  You cannot do anything while paralyzed, it does not expire over time, there is no readily-available cure for it, and the game doesn't even have the courtesy to immediately give you a Game Over if all of your characters are incapacitated, so when it happens you have two choices: sit there and let the enemy beat you to death, or just hit the reset button.  And I remind you, we have not yet even reached the second town!

Spoony: There's a distinct difference between "hardcore" and "terribly designed".  Games like Nethack and Bard's Tale and even Wizardry IV are designed to be extremely complex and monstrously difficult, but even they know better than to throw everything terrible at you right out of the gate, giving you a short grace period at the start to adapt to the game's mechanics and gradually easing you into the overall difficulty as the adventure progresses.  Not Hoshi, though - here it's sink or swim from square one!

Also not helping matters is another element of incompetent design: The first weapon you find in the shops is actually weaker than your bare hands, which already do minimal damage.  If you make the mistake of buying it, you're basically screwed since you'll be lucky to even do 1 point of damage with it equipped.  And no, leveling up does not seem to boost your attack power at all; even at maximum level, you'll still do 1-3 points of damage with your fists.

Spoony: Oh, and once you buy equipment, you're not given any option to sell your old stuff and recoup some of the cost; your old stuff just gets tossed into oblivion and never seen again.  Come on guys, even Ultima 1 let you resell equipment, and that game came out seven years before this one did!

Grinding for cash and experience is already enough of a problem with the aforementioned enemy encounters, but there are two more factors that make it just about unbearable.  For one, your character's walk speed is obnoxiously slow - it literally takes almost a full second to move two tiles on the map, which is pretty atrocious even by the standards of the time period.  Second, the game's combat screen suffers from some truly boneheaded design decisions; the first option at the top is ESP (spells, essentially), which are limited in use and which you do not have any of in reserve at the start of the game.  The cursor defaults to this option every time it comes up, and should you click it by accident and not have an ESP ability to cast, you cannot back out of the menu - you have no choice but to pick an empty slot and waste a turn.  Oh, and there's no option to simply run from fights, either, which means that if you get in over your head at any point (even by random chance), it's game over.

Spoony: There is an ESP power earned at a higher level that allows you to escape from fights, but good luck surviving long enough to learn it!

Further complicating matters is the in-battle HP counter.  How do you mess up an HP counter, of all things?  Oh, they found a way.  Specifically the fact that it truncates the last digit, which makes keeping track of your current HP level more difficult than it should be.  Not to mention that until you figure this out, it leads to confusing moments like having 5 HP, taking 15 damage, and being left with 3.  Or having 0 HP and still being alive, then taking another hit and being dead.

Enemies also have a lovely habit of fleeing from battle when their HP gets even remotely low, robbing you of any experience or gold they would have dropped and dragging the process out even longer.  It's like the developers are actively trying to aggravate you into giving up!

Spoony: Again, a pretty common tactic among game developers at the time was to make the last few stages of the game absurdly hard and unforgiving so that you'd have to spend a very long time practicing and replaying the whole thing in order to eventually persevere and make it though; technology at the time didn't allow for 30+ hour games, so that was their solution to keep players engaged for longer periods.  However, they usually waited until close to the end to push the difficulty to the extreme; that way, people wouldn't rent the game or play at a friend's house for an hour or two and get scared off from wanting to buy it.  But I suppose that's a non-factor in this case, since renting games has been illegal in Japan since 1984...

Anyhow, if you manage to persist long enough to level up once - no small feat, I assure you - you will find that the leveling system, like most things in this game, is poorly thought out.  Going up one level literally triples your maximum HP from 50 to 150.  Going up a second level pushes it up to 310.  It's all a bit moot, however, as you can still easily be punked out by any given enemy who decides to use a paralysis skill.  Not to mention that late-game enemies can easily take you out in 1-3 hits even when your level is maxed out and you have full HP!

Spoony: Apparently Another's idea of "game balance" is making the cartridge stand on end on a table.

Street Fighter 2 is a well balanced game

Well, there's really nothing we can do in first town as of yet, so we have no choice but to press on.  So, where do we go next?  Well, there is a (surprisingly visible) town to the north of our starting point, so we might as well try there.  Assuming our luck holds out and we can reach it without being beaten to a pulp by any passing monster, of course.  So let's investigate that town and see if we can maybe find some clues.

Nope.  we didn't find much here either.  But check this out: Exiting the town puts us outside of the starting town again.  In fact, exiting any town or dungeon anywhere on the overworld puts us back at the same starting point.  Quality!

Spoony: This is "baby's first RPG Maker project" levels of amateur, and yet it's in a game that was approved and licensed for release by a major company and published on a cartridge for a real game console.  Simply amazing.

Oh, and for a couple more bits of fun, get this: The game is heavily reliant on buying or acquiring keycards to gain access to dungeons.  Said keycards are one-use items.  Doors also return once you leave a screen, so if you don't have enough cards (and types of cards) to make it through a dungeon, you're stuck with no chance of escape.  That's bad.

The game is also heavily reliant on finding hidden items.  However, you're often given no clues as to where to locate these, and the game doesn't even bother to acknowledge them with a text box or any other kind of obvious cue; your only hint is a brief sound effect playing when you walk over a specific point on the map and automatically collect them.  Considering that the game's music is so grating and tinny that it makes you want to mute your TV immediately, that's also bad!

Now, the problems up to this point, awful as they are, haven't been total deal breakers.  Annoying, stupid and indicative of bad design even for the era, yes, but one could still theoretically adapt to them and persist through the game.  But I now present you with Hoshi wo Miru Hito's most grievous, fatal flaw that single-handedly made its awfulness the stuff of legends: its save system.

First of all, it uses a password save rather than a battery backup.  This was a standard feature in games of the time, but there was a reason RPGs tended to avoid it - there are a lot of variables that need to be saved in role-playing games, which typically resulted in very long and complex passwords (see the Japanese versions of the first two Dragon Quest games).  Still, even the most cumbersome password systems at least allowed you to pick up your game from where you left off so that you didn't have to start from zero each time.  Can you guess where I'm going with this?

That's right, Hoshi's password system, unlike every other one of its kind, does not save your progress; no matter your location at the time of your save or how much experience you gained, it puts you right back at the starting point of the game at level 0.  If you want to complete the game, you have to do it all in one sitting, all while hoping your party never gets stunlocked into oblivion, inescapably trapped in a dungeon, or meets a group of enemies that can wipe them out on the spot while they have no means of escape.  This all but guarantees that you will never see the end of the game without copious amounts of cheating.

Spoony: And that's why this game is so despised.  Most games - even really bad ones - can be completed with a degree of persistence and player strategy.  But this design flaw ensures that in order to have any hope of getting far, let alone seeing the end, everything has to fall perfectly in your favor from the first second until the closing scene. Completing Hoshi wo Miru Hito is literally 100% reliant on luck.  I'd honestly be amazed if anyone has ever finished it legitimately.

It certainly wouldn't be worth the effort, though, as your reward for this Sisyphean slog is to meet the true movers behind the game's events - a race of hyperintelligent space dolphins - and get one of three endings depending upon the choice you make in the final dialog.  Yes, the psychic supercomputer mentioned in the manual is a completely nonexistant entity in the actual game; it was space dolphins all along.

Spoony: Not that it matters too much because by this point you've most likely stopped caring about the "plot" and just want the torment to end already.

Anyway, the choice: one can either cooperate with the dolphins to restore their world to prosperity, turn them down and go back to living a meaningless life in a monster-infested hellhole, or try to fight them and be instantly destroyed along with the rest of the human race.  Interestingly, there is also unused text in the game for a fourth ending where the humans overthrow the dolphins and utilize their spaceship to search for a new world.  This suggests that the developers were too lazy to even code a final boss battle, but given the overall quality of the rest of this wreck, is anyone even surprised?

Oh, and there are no end credits either.  At least the devs were smart enough to know that none of them wanted this junker on their resume!

Spoony: That's Hoshi wo Miru Hito, and honestly, it is every bit as bad as the Internet would have you believe.  Sloppy design on every front, broken mechanics across the board, a threadbare plot that only shows up in the final minutes of the game, and it's not even enjoyable on any aesthetic level - the visuals are hideous, the sound effects are minimal and the music is comprised of little more than shrill five-second loops throughout.  There is simply nothing redeemable about it, save perhaps for a bit of ironic amusement at its sheer ineptitude.

Hoshi wo Miru Hito's flaws may have been a bit more excusable had it come out years earlier during a time when the genre was still in infancy and many of its games were of rather low quality, but it didn't.  Instead, it came out a full year after the original Dragon Quest and the same year as both Phantasy Star and Final Fantasy, games which are all regarded as genre-defining classics.  Rather than making any attempt to emulate the quality of their design, though, they pasted together a sloppy imitation of DQ's aesthetics and called it a day, hoping that it would sell copies on that alone.

However, despite its well-deserved reputation as a "legendary shit game", Hoshi wo Miru Hito is also a small cult classic that has inspired numerous fan patches (which, among other things, add functional saves, improve the graphics and double the walking speed) and even a full fan remake on the PC.  I'm not sure how a game this bad inspires such labors of love, but I guess some people really can find merit in almost anything.

A before-and-after comparison of the graphical patch.  That level of effort is far more than this game deserves!

I feel that I should also mention I've gotten messages from people about how "this game is easy if you just use savestates".  Well, yes; being able to rewind your session to an earlier state until things go in your favor makes any game easier, but I feel that that's not exactly in keeping with the spirit of being a gamer.  To me, being a gamer means mastering games the way they were intended to be played - the way they're given to you by the developers.  Sure, one can breeze through Ghosts n' Goblins or Ninja Gaiden or Battletoads in an hour or two by using Game Genie codes and save-stating constantly, but that really doesn't give you a sense of accomplishment or allow you to build any genuine skill.  If I want to beat a game, I'll put in the investment and do it legit.  In Hoshi wo Miru Hito's case, though, it's not even so much a matter of whether one can beat the game with or without external help, but whether they should even bother.  And given the complete lack of care employed in its creation, I say that the worst thing one can do is reward the developers by putting more attention and effort into their game than they ever did.

So what happened to Another after this game's release?  They never made another RPG (no surprise there), but they did produce a few other games in their short life, including Black Bass, Championship Bowling and an adventure game called "Ankoku Shinwa" before its founder left for Toshiba-EMI, leading to the company's dissolution and the acquisition of their properties by HOT-B.  HOT-B themselves stayed in business for several more years, mostly developing fishing games (further entries in the Black Bass/Blue Marlin series) before declaring bankruptcy in 1993.  Not long thereafter, several of its staff formed a new company called "Starfish, Inc." and acquired the rights to HOT-B's older games, as well as creating some new franchises of their own (a dungeon crawler series called Elminage probably being their best known work abroad).  Interestingly, the US branch of HOT-B continued to exist long after the Japanese one had gone bankrupt, publishing several of Starfish's Black Bass games throughout the 90s.  Their last known release was Graffiti Kingdom for the Playstation 2, a Taito game which has picked up a cult following for the elaborate fan creations its character editor allows.  The company was apparently active as late as 2010 (despite not releasing anything since 2005), but as of 2016 seems to have gone defunct.

And that's all there is to say about that.  If the fan remake ever gets translated I'll probably give it a shot, but until then I think I've had quite enough of Hoshi wo Miru Hito for one lifetime.

Oh, and if you want to see it beaten, they actually speedran it at AGDQ2020.  Turns out it was even more broken than I thought!