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8/18/2017

Femme Fatale Part 2

Chapter 5: The Other Side

Zero X. Diamond
I love this comic.  Gary Larson's one of the greats.


        Cedric had landed further away than he expected.  He found himself deep in the woods.  There was growling noises reverberating throughout the woods all around him.

Zero X. Diamond
Okay, we get it, furious animals are densely packed into the darkness in this world.


  In the distance, he could swear he heard some gunfire.  Oddly enough, they weren't reverberating from the city.  Instead, it seemed they came from deeper in the woods and seemed to be accompanied by a little girl's voice.

        "Could it be...?"

Clobberpuppy
Someone's edgy Powerpuff Girls fan fiction has gotten out of hand!

        Cedric had heard stories of a certain little girl.  Stories talking of her services.

Zero X. Diamond
What sketchy-ass circles does Cedric travel in that he's hearing stories about little girls offering vague, nebulous "services?"


  How she killed for money.  But he had always thought of them as tall tales!  He'd never have believed them as reality.  An investigation was necessary.

Zero X. Diamond
Vaguely Defined Magical Asshole: Private Eye


        He stumbled around in the dark woods,

Zero X. Diamond
Searching for the Master Sword to defeat the evil wizard Aganhim.


 following the gunshots.  Cedric realized they could be echoing from miles away, but he didn't care.  If he found her, his problem with the homicidal maniac would be over.  She had the skill, the strength and the raw insanity to do him in.

Spoony Spoonicus
Assuming she doesn't just peel your skin off and wear you as a coat.


        Finally he found her.  She was holding an UZI, blazing it in the general direction of an unfortunate man.  Cedric shivered in fear.  He hadn't expected to witness a cold-blooded murder.  After fifteen additional minutes, the gun stopped.

Mayor Mike Haggar
Fifteen minutes of sustained fire with an Uzi?  He has to be more chunky meat sauce than man by that point.

Zero X. Diamond
 Not to mention the gun must be anchored to the ground by the mile long clip it has to have to make that possible.


        "Too innocent, huh?  You must've been thinking of someone else!"

        She smiled as the body slumped down from the tree.  That would be the last anyone would see of one Mr. Jay Alexander.

Zero X. Diamond
NO!  NOT GEORGE!!

Spoony Spoonicus
I died as I lived, Jerry - full of regrets and half-eaten Slim Jims!


Blood ran from every opening in his body.  She reloaded her gun and abruptly pointed it at where Cedric was hiding.

        "You can come out now.  I know you're over there."

        Sweat was pouring down Cedric's face.  She knew where he was.  How?  He hadn't made a noise!  Was she simply guessing... or was it something more?

Zero X. Diamond
As somebody who's never actually played the game this character is from, I literally wouldn't know!


 Cedric had no choice except to come out of hiding.

        "So, are you the girl I've heard talk about?" he asked.

        "It depends on how much money you've got."

        He smiled.

Spoony Spoonicus
Why does every spoken line in this story sound like the beginning of a porno?


        "You really are the one, aren't you..."

Zero X. Diamond
Which "one?"  Jet Li?  Robbie Rotten?  Smitty Werbenjagermanjensen?

        She looked at him, eyes like pools, and a big smile on her face.

        "The one what?"

        She was putting on her naive act.  What she was really doing was accessing him.

Zero X. Diamond
 Via his wifi connection.

 Sizing him up, and all that.

Transceiver
(Porno music)

Spoony Spoonicus
NO!


        "No need to size me up.  I'm here to employ your services."

Zero X. Diamond
 I need my gutters cleaned badly.


        A devious grin swiped over her face.  She loved money.

        "How much?"

        "How about 10,000 dollars?"

        A shine came into her eyes.

        "Who's the sap you want dead so badly?"

        "He followed me here to this world.  His name is Bob Reginald.  He is also known as Happy Bob the Homicidal Maniac.  He's resourceful and has a spot of weaponry.  Quite a dangerous combination."

Mega Man
All you know about him is that he's a dickhead with a knife who assaulted you in the woods.  You're overselling him pretty hard.


        "That's dangerous?  You really need to get to know me better...  Look, I'll do your little job.  But I've got to know what he looks like first..."

        "He's got orangey-blonde hair, a black leather jacket with tails,

Zero X. Diamond
Because that's a thing that exists.

The funniest thing about this, by the by, is that in one iteration of his backstory, of all the random plot holes I could have chosen to fill, I picked his bizarre jacket.  FYI he literally held a tailor at gunpoint and made him make him a custom jacket.  Yes, seriously.

 a black and gray striped shirt and a knife."

        "I'll take care of him, don't you worry about that."

        He looked around in the darkness.  It was almost frightening.

        "Uh, you mind taking me somewhere other than these dark woods?"

        She smiled in a rather devious manner.

        "I'm a hired gun, not a tour guide.  Get out of here yourself."

        With that said, she waved her hand at the darkness.  A few yips came, followed by her small, brown dog.

Zero X. Diamond
 Her dog was chasing those weird alien things from Seasame Street?

 She ran off in the direction of the nearest city.  Unfortunately for Bob, it was the same one that he was in.

Chapter 6: The First Encounter

Zero X. Diamond
Wow, this fanfic is getting serious!  Hahaha, get it?  Like Serious Sam: The First Encounter?  Heh heh heh... heh... ennnnnhhh...

        She made her way to the city.  After fifteen good minutes, she arrived.

Spoony Spoonicus
This might be the first use of fast travel in a fan fiction.  Before it became a standard feature in video games, even!


 It disgusted her in the same manner as it did Bob.  Seeing such decay would make even the most insane person (which, mind you, they both were...)

Zero X. Diamond
 Thank you for clarifying.  I would never have guessed that the murderous stalker and the girl who reduced a man to a gooey red paste with sustained gunfire were in some way mentally ill!


 flood with disgust.

        "Such a waste.  It's disgusting."

Mayor Mike Haggar
Such a redundant redundancy.  How redundant.


        Her attentions quickly turned to the bar.  There was an unusual amount of carnage there tonight.

Zero X. Diamond
I'm starting to get this vague idea that maybe this city is a dangerous place.


  Perhaps her target had been there?  She decided to drop in.  What she saw brought a smile to her face.  The barflies were tossed about everywhere, some with cuts and bruises.

Zero X. Diamond
 Not to mention the ones with frostbite and exploded hearts from being frozen and electrocuted at the same time.


        "Bartender!

Zero X. Diamond
 "Um, excuse me, I have a name.  It's Frank, thanks for asking."


  You catch the name of the guy who did this?" she demanded.

        He swallowed deeply.  He knew that face.  It was her, the hired gun.

        "B... b.... before he left...  something like... Happy Bob..."

        "And you're sure of this?"

        "Y... yes."

Zero X. Diamond
Except he never gave his name to anybody.  Even Crypha only called him Bob.


        He described him perfectly.  It really was her target.  But something else was wrong.  The air had an alarmingly cold feeling to it.  There were electrical scorch marks everywhere.

Mega Man
He bought his heating system from a sketchy eBay seller in Hong Kong.

        "Was someone else with him?"

        "It... was like a demon!  She came out of his empty Coke Bottle and started kicking their asses!

Zero X. Diamond
This alternate universe still has Coca Cola.  That's some good goddamned marketing!

 Some... Crypha thing!  After the carnage, just got back in the bottle and when he woke up, they left."

Zero X. Diamond
"I just stood here the whole time he was unconscious, doing absolutely nothing.  I watched every moment of it."


        "Which way did he go?"

        "He left a few minutes before you got here!  Looked like he took a right out the door!"

        "Perfect...  Thanks a lot.  You're just lucky I'm not gonna riddle you with bullets."

        With that, she burst out the door and hung a sharp right.  She was going to find Bob.  Even if it took her all night.  She broke into a run, nearly missing several homeless people on her search.

Spoony Spoonicus
She may be a bloodthirsty psychopath, but at least she respects the homeless.


 And then he came into her sight.

        At first, she thought it was someone else.  But the hair was a dead giveaway.  No one she'd ever seen had hair quite like his.

Zero X. Diamond
Yes, his messy sort of orange hair is totally unique.


 A thought suddenly crossed her mind.

        What strategy should I use?

Zero X. Diamond
The Picard Maneuver.


I think I'll access his weaknesses...

Zero X. Diamond
Via Bluetooth.


        She ran up aside Bob, getting a good look at him.  He wasn't too shabby looking.  She was expecting a much shabbier looking target.

Zero X. Diamond
"Shabby" is one of those words that quickly starts to lose meaning when you say it a few times in a row.


She made her move.

        "Hi there."

        Bob looked up at her.  He almost fell backwards.

Mayor Mike Haggar
Bob is two feet tall.


        "Uh... hello.  Who are you?"

        "Me?  I'm Baby Bonnie Hood!

Zero X. Diamond
 And the big reveal is... a character from Darkstalkers, I guess!


 And you are?"

        "I'm... Bob Reginald.  The second.  But most people call me Happy Bob the Homicidal Maniac.

Zero X. Diamond
 If you want to go out with a pretty girl so badly, you might want to stop introducing yourself to perfect strangers as A LITERAL DERANGED SERIAL KILLER.


  So, uh... what brings you over to me?"

        Uh oh, he's asking me what I'm doing!  Does he know?  Can he tell?

Zero X. Diamond
 She's supposed to be this hardened mercenary type, yet one innocent question from her mark and she immediately panics and can't think of a response?  That's $10,000 well spent there, Cedric.


        "Uh... you looked... DEPRESSED!   Yeah, really depressed."

        "You... read me like a book..."

        "What's bugging you?"

        Bob looked down at his feet, a bit of red sweeping across his face.

        "Well, there's this girl... and she doesn't know I even exist..."

Zero X. Diamond
"It doesn't help that I openly admitted to her that I murdered people--just like I did to you--and then proceeded to stalk her to the point that I was on the verge of jerkin' it to clods of her hair from her bathroom garbage."


        Bonnie felt a little strange.

Clobberpuppy
And happily deranged!
Spoony Spoonicus
Have you decided to shoot him, or have you picked your target yet?

Zero X. Diamond
 This is a common trope in my Frozen-era stories: a character is going to fall in love with another one so they just sort of start feeling weird for no reason.  I have no idea why.


She shrugged it off and continued to play the sap.

        "You ever just walk up to her and say, 'Hi, my name is Bob and I'm madly in love with you?'"

        "Well, no but-"

Zero X. Diamond
"I doubt very highly that'd work considering I sit outside her house with flowers in one hand and a murder weapon in the other every single day."

        It was at that moment the first major action sequence of the night began.

Transceiver
(Porno music)

Spoony Spoonicus
NO!


Chapter 7: The Heat is On

Zero X. Diamond



        But before it starts, let's go back in time.

Zero X. Diamond
And beat the shit out of the author to prevent this story from ever being written.


  Back to how the chase starts.  A very threatened man stood shaking behind a bar counter.  Never had he been so thoroughly shaken in one night in his life.

Mega Man
Never shake a baby.  Or get shaken by a manbaby.

Zero X. Diamond
This thing where I kept using the same word two sentences or more in a row is really fucking bothering me.

  That's why he made the call.

        "Yeah, whaddaya want?" a deep voice spoke through the receiver.

Clobberpuppy
Two large pepperoni pizzas and a 2-liter bottle of Diet Coke!


        "I'd like to report two troublemakers.  One by the name of Bob Reginald, orange hair, black jacket, tattered jeans.  The other is the hired gun.

Zero X. Diamond
So we went back in time... by what, ten minutes, tops?
Spoony Spoonicus
Right up there with that time Yu-Gi-Oh flashed back to something that happened two minutes before.  In that very same episode, even!


You know what she looks like."

        "Oh yeah, Baby Bonnie Hood.  We know her well.  As for this Bob fellow...  You know where he came from?"

        "No sir.  Absolutely no clue as to where he came from.  Asked a lot of questions, though."

        "Well, anyhow, what happened?"

        "Bob was the first one to start trouble.  He came in, acting like he was a lost tramp,

Zero X. Diamond
 Tipping his bowler hat and swinging his cane.

 no idea where he was.  Came and sat down at the bar, demanding a beer.  I told him, 'No sir, we can't serve minors.'

Zero X. Diamond
Because again, cruel and pointless murders are A-OK, but serving alcohol to a teenager is completely crossing the line.


  Then he started asking questions.  Got two out before the fight broke out."

        "Any casualties?"

        "Can't tell, but they're all out like lights.  There's a bit of blood here and there."

Clobberpuppy
"And my piano player is dead and all that's left of one guy is a smoking outline on the wall from when he unleashed some freaky electro-monster, but that's another story!"


        "And what about Bonnie?"

Zero X. Diamond
She needs a hero.  She's holding out for a hero 'til the end of the night.  He's gotta be strong, and he's gotta be fast, and he's gotta be fresh from the fight.


        "She came in and roughed me up, demanding to know if I'd seen Bob.  I told her I'd seen him, and she kept asking questions until she seemed to have found enough.  Then she just bolted out the door."

        "Yeah, so um... what exactly do you want US to do?"

Zero X. Diamond
"Because you've dialed the number for the Kinko's over on Fifth and Main."


        "Send out a car or something!  Track them down!  They're armed and dangerous!"

        "Look bub, we'll send out a few cars.  If we happen to spot them, we'll chase them down.  Simple as that.  You have any other suggestions?"

        The line was silent.

        "Good."

        And the line fell dead.  At the station, a fat policeman laughed, biting into a jelly donut.

Zero X. Diamond
 What?  The police are fat and useless and don't do their jobs here in Murderworld?  Color me surprised!!!"

Mayor Mike Haggar
Edi. E, you magnificent bastard!


        "Hey fellas!  Run a few cars out.  We're looking for some orange haired Bob guy and B.B. Hood."

        A few officers ran down into the garage.  Several battered vehicles remained.  As soon as you know it, the engines were turning again and again, yielding nothing.  After a good minute or so, they fired up and were out on the street.

Spoony Spoonicus
Dinohattan's finest, ladies and gentlemen.

It didn't take them long to find them.  Bob's hair seemed to stick out like a sore thumb in this society.

Zero X. Diamond
 I honestly do not get this.  Are there no reddish blondes in this universe?


        "Hey Bonnie?"

        She turned her head and looked at him.

        "Do you hear sirens?"

        A grin swept across her face.  It'd been a while since her last round with the fuzz.

        "Come on Bob, we're going to need to outrun them for now!"

        "Why?  I say we take them head on!"

Zero X. Diamond
"I'm literally insane and have a death wish!"

        "You're... not from around here are you?"

        Bob got a confused look on his face.

        "No, not really."

        "The squad cops around here aren't very friendly, and neither are their cars.  Trust me on this one."

        So they ran.  Behind them, red and blue lights were flaring.

        "Adamned 12, you read me?"

Zero X. Diamond
 Not only fat and useless and corrupt, but apparently outright evil with how they use callsigns that sound like something out of Carmageddon.

Mayor Mike Haggar
Damnd is here too?  Last time I saw him, I separated his shoulder with a length of pipe!


        "Copy that."

        "Take formation."

        "Right."

        The squad cars suddenly began shifting in the street.  From them, a pattern was born.  A triangular point of cars.  They were out for a kill.

Zero X. Diamond
So yeah, Carmageddon cops.


  Bonnie decided it was time to do some damage.

        "Bob, around that corner!  Time for some heads to roll!"

        A psychotically happy grin swept quickly across his face.  Finally he was gonna see some real damage.  He did as instructed, and they eluded the cars.  It didn't take long for them to fishtail and turn.

        "Okay, this might sound like a strange question, but do you have a rocket launcher on you?"

Zero X. Diamond
Strange?  Really?  Women ask me this all the time.


        The grin grew much greater.

        "No.  I have this RPG Launcher!"

Mega Man
Totally different.

Zero X. Diamond
"From this one program, you can play Ultima, EarthBound AND Undertale!!"


        He quickly pulled it out from behind him.  She blinked, feeling the urge to ask how he did it.

Zero X. Diamond
With his magical powers that he totally doesn't have.

  But there was no time.  Instead, she put her previously unnoticed basket against her shoulder and smiled.  Now Bob wondered what was going on.

        "When I say 'fire', LET IT LOOSE!  Understand?"

        Bob shook his head ecstatically.  He could hardly wait.  And then the words passed her lips.

        "Fire."

        Bob let loose a grenade, watching it strike one of the patrol cars and blow it to pieces.  Before he could shoot again, he turned his attention to Bonnie.  She let loose three rockets from a hole in the end of her basket.  Three cars were reduced to flaming scrap.  One remained, but not for long.  Bob reduced it to its components.

Zero X. Diamond
So wait, were the cop cars somehow like ten miles away from them?  How did they get far enough ahead of them on foot that they had time to discuss their explosives of choice, concoct their plan, enact it, and then still have time for Bob to reload his RPG and fire it a second time?
Spoony Spoonicus
I didn't think one could make the spectacle of destroying police cars with high explosives boring, but somehow you've pulled it off.


        "You did pretty good, Bob."

        He blushed.  A girl... well, not a human girl at least, hadn't complimented him in years.

Zero X. Diamond
 Most girls don't appreciate the subtle nuance involved in exploding other human beings with rockets.


It made him feel good.  Bob was becoming quite attatched to Bonnie.

Zero X. Diamond
Dude, come on.  You JUST MET HER.  This (and the murder and stalking and general creepiness) is why Sandra didn't like you (in this reality).


        "Yeah, you've got some skill yourself."

        She felt a strange attraction to Bob.

Zero X. Diamond
And you, you knock it off too!

He was normal by her standards.  Not a creep like most others.

Mega Man
Love at first mass murder.

Spoony Spoonicus
Bonnie and Clod.


Then she remembered the ten thousand dollars.  Money IS money, and as long as there was money up for grabs, Bob would have to watch himself.

Zero X. Diamond
Instead of watching her from the inside of a windowless van while wearing a dirty raincoat like I know he fucking wants to.

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