Random quote:

4/27/2015

Top 100 Worst NES Games, #100-91

I got to thinking that it was high time I did another top list, but where could I turn?  I'd exhausted almost every video game platform I own.  I could do PC or Arcade games, I suppose, but I don't think I'd be giving a lot of them a fair shake because I hadn't played a huge number of those games in their heyday and wouldn't really be able to give them a fair assessment as a result.  But then it hit me: Why not do a list of bad NES games?  That platform brought us a lot of immortal gems, certainly, but there were also a lot - and I mean A LOT - of bad ones.  And the ones everyone knows about (mostly from exposure to the Angry Video Game Nerd and other caustic critics) are only scratching the surface of the awfulness the platform had to offer.  So I decided, why not.  Let's bring some other obscure baddies to the surface and give them the shellacking they deserve.

Oh, and I also imposed one simple rule: I'm only counting games that were commercially released in the heyday of the system.  So no homebrews or reproductions, no unreleased games, and none of those penis-laden racist ROM hacks every twelve year old with a copy of Microsoft Paint churned out back in the late 90s.

100. Hydlide (T&E Soft, 1989)

Hydlide honestly wasn't a horrible game for its time; it was one of the first action-RPGs ever released on Japanese computers, and had quite a bit of longevity and content for a game that ultimately took up less than 40 kilobytes of space.  The big problem was that its time was in 1984 and it ultimately didn't get published in North America until 1989 - five years after its original debut and two years after the vastly superior Legend of Zelda.  So everyone who saw a screenshot or two and expected another Zelda-esque adventure ended up being extremely disappointed, which was understandable, if a bit unfair.  Also not helping Hydlide's case was a heavy emphasis on grinding and  touch-based combat make it a chore to play, essentially boiling the entire process down into tedious grinding interlaced with a lot of savescumming.  So while it was a pioneer for the genre, Hydlide's only value nowadays is as a curious footnote for RPG fans who want to see where the far superior Ys series drew its inspiration from.

99. The Adventures of Bayou Billy (Konami, 1989)

For all the praise Konami gets for their highly acclaimed contributions to 8 and 16-bit gaming, people also seem to forget that they published a lot of really mediocre stuff too.  From the dull simulator Silent Service to a lousy port of King's Quest V to  several forgettable sports games, Konami was very much playing both sides of the fence for quality.  But probably their most notorious release during that time period was a game starring one Bayou Billy, a game that featured detailed visuals, solid music and a variety of gameplay styles... and a difficutly level that could generously be described as "worse than Battletoads."  Yes, Battletoads was extremely difficult, but if nothing else, it at least gave you a fair chance to succeed.  Bayou Billy has no such benefit - enemies take ludicrous amounts of damage to put down, have virtually no recovery time after taking a hit and you seemingly die in only a few hits back from them.  And they are relentless, never giving you a chance to even catch your breath throughout the stages (with the penultimate stage being all but impossible unless you saved a whip from an earlier level - which entails not dying at all to that point).  Bayou Billy is nothing short of an aggravating experience, and some catchy tunes and decent zapper segments couldn't save it from itself.  But hey, at least it had a pretty damn good comic book adaptation.

98. Friday the 13th (Atlus, 1989)

One of those licensed NES games whose notoriety has only grown over the years, Friday the 13th had you, as a group of six camp counselors, trying to fend off the undead monster Jason as he attempted to wipe out all the children and counselors at Camp Crystal Lake.  This was made all the more difficult by endless hordes of zombies, wolves and birds, Jason being super-fast, overly damaging and two shades short of invincible (with upwards of 8 hits being required just to shave one tick off his health bar) and the fact that all but two of your counselors were virtually useless, having either slow foot speed, weak jumping, or both.  Oh, and you had to kill Jason three times to win, with him getting faster and stronger each time you did so.  Still, despite the game's absurd difficulty and heavy emphasis on random chance, I can't completely hate Friday the 13th - if nothing else, its gameplay is like nothing else out there, combining elements of RPGs, survival horror, action platformers and even a bit of a Mike Tyson's Punch-out feel in the 3D cabin segment battles.  So while it is a heavily despised game (and that notion isn't really unwarrranted), it's also a unique experience that no other company has ever attempted to replicate, and for that reason it will probably retain its cult following well into the future.

97. Who Framed Roger Rabbit (Rare, 1989)

Another licensed NES title, and while it may not be the worst game to fall under that umbrella (far from it, in fact), it still has a lot of bizarre design decisions that make it a generally disliked game among NES collectors.  For one, while the game presents itself as a puzzle-oriented adventure game, it really doesn't play like one at all; you're not "following clues" or "piecing together a mystery" so much as you are wandering from building to building, searching every object for randomly-placed usable items and hoping you don't get killed by rats, cats and falling objects.  The fact that you're collecting so many weapons and have a chargeable punch also implies it to have an action element, but the only time it ever really comes into play is when you get into a (very rare) random fight with one of the weasels and at the very end, where a battle with Judge Doom awaits that is so ludicrously difficult and disconnected from the rest of the game in style that it frustrated the overwhelming majority of gamers into giving up entirely.  Still, there is a bit of charm to be found in the game's bizarre design, and hey, sucker-punching random people (and Roger) around the room is always good for a chuckle.

96. Renegade (Technos, 1987)

Kunio is a beloved franchise among many old-school gamers, particularly with River City Ransom and its numerous over-the-top sports games that put as much emphasis on pummeling your opponents as they did on scoring points, but it did not get off to an auspicious start.  While the two-directional attack scheme was pretty innovative for the time, the clunky hit detection, overall difficulty and ugly visuals certainly didn't win it a lot of points.  Nor did the later levels, which were very frustrating exercises in trial and error as you attempted to maneuver through mazes of doors, with one wrong move taking you all the way back to the beginning of the level and forcing you to try again while giving you none of your health back.  At at the end of it all you had a final boss who could whip out a gun in the blink of an eye and shoot you dead in one hit, bringing a quick end to your run and forcing you to start the game from scratch.  The NES had quite a lot of good beat-em-ups, but there's a very good reason people always go for Double Dragon, Mighty Final Fight and the TMNT titles over this one...

95. Advanced Dungeons and Dragons: Hillsfar  (Marionette, 1993)

Released on PC platforms between two Dungeons and Dragons PC titles (Pool of Radiance and Curse of the Azure Bonds) and intended to be an "in-between" adventure players could use to build their levels and gold reserves before the latter's release.  As you could imagine, though, this makes the NES version's existence rather pointless since there was no practical way to transfer data between games (and Azure Bonds was never released on the NES anyway).  Which is a shame, because the game has just about everything it needs to be a decent title in its own right - some good graphics and animation, and clever minigames that range from archery, lockpicking and traveling paths on horseback while avoiding potholes, and of course good old fighting.  Hillsfar attempts to create an action-oriented D&D experience and honestly succeeds for the most part, but the lack of a real plot or any direction to its gameplay unfortunately just makes it all feel meaningless.

94. Wall Street Kid (Sofel, 1990)


One of those "why does this even exist" games, Wall Street Kid, as its name suggests, is about investing in the stock market to earn a big enough profit in order to not be disowned by your rich family.  Exciting, right?  Well, even the developers seemingly thought that weak premise wasn't enough to carry a game, as they tried to work in a dating sim element as well - you have to work out to maintain your health and spoil your girlfriend by buying her things and going on trips with her, or your character will fall into depression and end the game.   So if you ever wanted to play a simulation that highlights the life of being a negative stereotype of a rich person - shallow, greedy and obsessed with lording their wealth over others - I guess this is the game for you.  The rest of us would be better served by investing in a more entertaining game.  Or in the actual stock market, your choice.

93. Magmax (Nihon Bussan, 1988)

A competently designed game that just isn't much fun to actually play, taking the form of a dull, side-scrolling shoot-em-up with a generic futuristic motif.  Said motif is really the only thing of note about it, having you fighting some fairly clever boss designs (pictured: three-headed robo-dragon) and your ship being able to add parts onto itself until it becomes a giant walking mecha with a laser beam firing from its chest.  Other than that, though, Magmax is purely one-note and dull, with irritating music, an overall bland aesthetic and levels that seem to stretch on forever.  The NES had a lot of unremarkable shoot-em-ups, but Magmax is one that particularly grates on me for having a cool concept that it utterly fails to take advantage of...



92. Rambo (Pack-in Video, 1988)

Good old Pack-in Video brings us another mediocre licensed title in Rambo.  Based on the film Rambo: First Blood Part II, which you'd think would lend itself to some fast-paced run-and-gun action in the vein of Contra.  However, they instead took it in a completely different (and much worse) direction, instead turning it into an action RPG with confusing navigation (thanks to similar looking environments and an unintuitive map layout), bizarre enemies and some extremely wonky hit detection, making landing hits on enemies and avoiding damage yourself much more difficult than it needs to be.  Other fun design elements include being stuck and unable to proceed if you make a wrong decision at the middle of the game, a broken password system that enjoys giving out invalid passwords (resulting in hours of lost progress) and even being able to glitch through floors and end up back at the beginning of the game.  Pack-in obviously wanted to cash in on the success of Zelda II, but they forgot the most important element - making the experience enjoyable instead of tedious and frustrating.

91. Deadly Towers (Lenar, 1987)


One of the first Japanese RPGs to be released in North America, and like Hydlide, it's another example of a game that was decent in its day but which has unfortunately not withstood the test of time.  Once again, there is a very heavy emphasis on grinding in order to earn money and upgrade gear, and the sheer size and number of enemies in each tower you had to traverse was downright staggering, requiring you to either have an impeccable memory or make maps.  Death also came very easily, with enemies able to deplete your health in only a few hits and you easily being able to fall off the tower to an instant death in almost every room, only exacerbated by the fact that you frequently had to exit rooms via very narrow pathways with nothing stopping you from slipping right off.  There's a lot of content and longevity for a 1987 release, but with the advent of far more refined and playable action-adventure games like Zelda, Crystalis and Rygar, Deadly Towers was destined to be left in the dust.


Next

4/26/2015

Spoony Plays Terranigma, Part 5

We skip ahead to the dawn of humanity and also the dawn of overdone zombie mods.

4/19/2015

Foppy's Big Gay Adventure, Part 3

Very near the end of the flight the gang was feeling like they were being followed. They looked back and wished they hadn't.

Mayor Mike Haggar
They'd have been much better off just getting shot in the back of the head and ending this fanfic without ever knowing what hit them.
Zero X. Diamond
They reflected on all the stupid, incomprehensible shit they'd seen and done so far, which made their futures appear that much more bleak.

 It was the REAL Mad Duck General!

Zero X. Diamond
Wait, seriously?  A Mad Duck worries these people?  You have a Foppy with arms and a flamethrower, a brilliant scientist, an armored cyberfrog, a couple of imaginary dudes who somehow became real, and Mr. Deus Ex Machina himself... and you're afraid of a fucking duck, just because he's crazy and has a military title?

 The phoenix landed in Summers and the Mad Duck General shouted at Zero Diamond...

Zero X. Diamond
Oh man, what awesome one-liner is this eager young chappie going to give us?

---

"Fear my anger, oh wacky one!"

Zero X. Diamond
... even by this story's standards, I feel like this was a lame, lame cop out.


The MDRF and MDC attack Foppy and friends.

Spoony Spoonicus
As the FBI, ATF and DEA moved to intercept their actions in the town of QRRBRBIRLBEL.


Foppy used PSI Fire A.
The MDRF and MDC suffered 52 HP.
YOU WON!!

Zero X. Diamond
Speaking of lame cop outs, they win the fight against their much dreaded opponent in a single hit.  Yeah, I can see now why they were so afraid.


Foppy and co. gained 200,000 exp. each.
---

Foppy gained a level!
(cue funky music)

Zero X. Diamond
Play that funky music, Foppy!
Play that funky music riiiiiiiiiight!
Play that funky music, Foppy!
Lay down your keyboard and please stop writing garbage til you die!

Offense went up by 2!
Defense went up by 1!
Boo-yah! Guts went up by 8!

Peggy Hill
HOOYEAH!


Foppy looked down at the fainted Mad Duck General, and poked him with a nearby stick.

Spoony Spoonicus
Well, that's an awfully dark image for an Earthbound story.


 "I suppose he was all bluff..." Foppy mumbled. Suddenly, Foppy heard a quacking sound. A small horde of Mad Ducks and Noose Men had arrived and snatched away the fainted Mad Duck General, carrying him off.

Zero X. Diamond
Finally, the Mad Ducks had been pushed too far by their crazed military dictator.  The angry mob of peasant ducks descended upon him in this moment of weakness, and with the aid of their Noose Man allies, hung him in the town square, right off the wing of one of his many opulent and wasteful statues.

The Noose Men tied the MDG to the Mad Ducks, and they formed a virtual helicopter.

Spoony Spoonicus
Maybe it's just me, but this is a pretty funny mental image.  A dead, charred duck tied to a bunch of other ducks whipping through the air in a spiral.  It's like something out of a Pink Floyd video.


Zero Diamond, alarmed that the Mad Duck General was getting away, whispered something in Drakaan's ear, who flew off.

"Guys, I've told Drakaan to hunt down the Mad Ducks.

Zero X. Diamond
"Beating them wasn't enough.  We have to kill them, then desecrate their corpses.  It's the only way to be sure."

 It really shouldn't be too long until he hunts them down.

Mayor Mike Haggar
Well what kind of a lame copout is that?  Not only do you effortlessly curb-stomp the villain, but you don't even finish off his minions in-narrative?


 Until then... well... I suppose we should find Ness and his friends!"

Spoony Spoonicus
What possible stake could they have in your dumb little adventure?  Honestly.

 Zero Diamond explained. So the group walked down Summer's beach shore, looking for anyone who might provide information.

Spoony Spoonicus
On what?  Where are you going?  What are you doing?

Clobberpuppy
Where did you come from?  Where did you go?  Where did you come from, Cotton Eye Joe?


Sofanaz whispered to Dr. Andonuts, "I hear the prices are horrible here. Got any spare change? We might have to pool our cash." Sofanaz was not shy in asking Dr. Andonuts this, as they were quickly becoming friends.

Mayor Mike Haggar
The particularly annoying kind of friends who borrow money from you and never pay it back, then get mad at you when you won't give them any more.

Zero X. Diamond
This must have been happening in one of the many supplemental extended universe novels.


Dr. Andonuts replied, "Yes, I have some money, but I like to keep it for my doughnuts..."

Sofanaz pulled a jelly-filled out of his pocket. Dr. Andonuts grabbed the doughnut and gratefully gave Sofanaz $3500


Zero X. Diamond
Okay, so we've established that Dr. Andonuts has a crippling addiction to donuts.

Mayor Mike Haggar
Is "donut" just Eagleland slang for "crack"?


which was certainly a lot of doughnut money. Soon, the group encountered a Spanish man selling Gelato de Resort at a shaded stand.

"Buy my Gelato?" the man asked.

Foppy stepped up to the man and said, "Yes. Okay. We'll buy your Gelato... umm... (‘what were we doing, guys?’ he whispered to his friends)

Zero X. Diamond
They were doing something?  Maybe I missed something, but it seems like they've just been wandering around aimlessly and doing things for no discernible reason.

Spoony Spoonicus
Still more of a plot than Demon's Souls has.


yeah! I remember! We'll buy your Gelato if you can tell us information about Ness, the hero from Onett!

Mayor Mike Haggar
So are you going to fill the audience in at some point, or what?


Foppy gave the man money, and the man gave Foppy some Gelato de Resort. Foppy complained, "No, we want information about NESS. Ness. Don't you get it?"

The man nodded, reached into his stand, and pulled out a brochure. He gave it to Foppy, who read it.

Zero X. Diamond
It was entitled "Watchtower," and its cover posed many questions about the nature of God.


"Buy Earthbound 64! Release date: 2010.

Zero X. Diamond
Remember back in 2010 when the three major consoles were the PS3, the XBox 360, and the N64?

Spoony Spoonicus
Fuck yeah I do.  Micro Machines 64's multiplayer made Call of Duty look like a bunch of preschoolers playing Tag!


 Join Ness and friends as they try to save the future from cosmic peril! But in the meantime, buy pokemon products! Gotta buy them all!"

Zero X. Diamond
Ah yes, back when young, angry EarthBound fans blamed Pokemon's popularity for preventing EB64 from happening because it happened to be a popular series at the time.

Spoony Spoonicus
Just like how Square fanboys love to insist that Seiken Densetsu 3 never got translated because of Secret of Evermore.

(Hint: it didn't.  And SOE is a better game anyway so suck it)

Foppy crumpled up the brochure and threw it into a waste basket.

"Where is Ness, you... you... Spanish man!" Foppy grumbled.

"Buy my Gelato?" the man said, ducking behind his counter.

"Ness!"

"Gelato!"

"Ness!"

"Gelato!"

“Ness!”

Quickly, Jimtech stopped the argument. "Let me handle this. I know how to work with these kind of people," he told Foppy, then confronted the Gelato-selling-man.

Mayor Mike Haggar
Maybe it's just me being exposed to too much of the hyper-reactionary atmosphere on the Internet lately, but this strikes me as being pretty racially insensitive.

"Now you listen to me," Jimtech started, then grabbed the man's neck and lifted him into the air, "IF YOU DON'T TELL US WHERE NESS, THE HERO FROM ONETT, IS NOW, I WILL PERSONALLY MAKE YOU VERY, VERY UNHAPPY!!!"

Zero X. Diamond
This guy comes from Zero's imagination, and what's he doing?  Roughing up strangers in Summers.  No wonder he fell for Ryoto!


 The man, quite afraid, pointed to the Summers Hotel. The group left.

Spoony Spoonicus
Remember kids: if someone doesn't give you what you want, resort to assault and battery!  That always gets results!

Also, foreigners are the devil and are only worthy of scorn and mistreatment.

When they arrived at Summers Hotel, they found the place empty, except for the manager.

Zero X. Diamond
And several policemen hiding in ambush for them after the Gelato man called them in a panic.


Foppy asked the manager, "Have you seen Ness around here?"

The manager replied, "Yes, uhm, Ness, you say? Yes, he just checked out a few minutes ago. He said he was going to Winters.


Zero X. Diamond



 Something about Starmen and some Apple Kid getting kidnapped.” The group sighed and left the hotel. On the front steps of the hotel, they sat down.

Sofanaz sighed, "You know, we should have expected this to happen."

Mayor Mike Haggar
You should have expected this extremely unlikely turn of events to happen again?  Isn't that kind of like expecting your mother to win the lottery twice in the same week?

Everyone else nodded in agreement.

Foppy replied, "Yes, with the luck of a Foppy, I should have known better. But, then again, I also have the intelligence of a Foppy and wouldn't know...

Zero X. Diamond
Additional joke about video game stats.


well... we might as well make the best of it, being in Summers. I don't know about the rest of you guys, but I haven't slept since I left Saturn Valley. What do you say we check in at this lovely hotel? I believe, pooled, we have enough money to cover it."

The group agreed and pooled their monies together. They had, in total, $3950.00, which was probably enough for the group if they got cheap rooms. But just before they were about to go back into the hotel, a shadow fell over the group and a figure landed out of the sky.

It was someone Foppy had met before...
It was the Blue Cow that Foppy met in his Winters dreams!

Zero X. Diamond
 Uh, wait, what?  That was a dream?  How much of the story has been dreams?  How much of it has been reality?  What IS reality when defined within the confines of fiction?  What the fuck is any of this??  WHY DID ANYONE WRITE THIS SHIT????
Spoony Spoonicus
Is this the real life?  Is it just fantasy?  Caught in a land slide, no escape from reality.

Open your eyes, look up to the skies and see...
The stupidest goddamn thing you've ever seen in your life!

"Greetings, noble fools," the Blue Cow grunted,

Zero X. Diamond
What?


"Foppy, it came to my attention that the Great Foppy, in a dream, alerted you to my existence.

Zero X. Diamond
So the Great Foppy is real, but appeared in a dream that appeared to be real but apparently wasn't??


Well, *scoff*, I can't let a fool like you interfere with my plans! The Apple of Enlightenment sure chose a stupid chosen one, if you ask me.

Zero X. Diamond
But I thought the Apple of Enlightenment's chosen one was Ness!  Is the Apple of Enlightenment real?  Is this Blue Cow real??

Spoony Spoonicus
This seems to imply that the blue cow works for Giygas and/or Pokey.  Which just makes it even stupider.

Imagine, a mere Foppy... against me! The Blue Cow!"

And then the battle commenced...

---

Dr. Andonuts pulled out a death ray and fired.
TBC suffered 50 HP of damage.

Mayor Mike Haggar
"Blasted Chinese knockoffs!  I knew I shouldn't have bought my death ray from that dodgy-looking flea mart!"

Foppy used PSI Fire A.
TBC suffered 100 HP of damage.
TBC used Moo r.

Zero X. Diamond
Othello was summoned!

Spoony Spoonicus
Spoony used Boo-Urns!


Foppy wasn't affected.
Dr. Andonuts wasn't affected.
ZXD couldn't concentrate.
Jinto couldn't concentrate.
Jimtech couldn't concentrate.
Sofanaz couldn't concentrate.
Bubbles couldn't concentrate.

Spoony Spoonicus
Bill Clinton couldn't concentrate.
Jeremy Irons couldn't concentrate.
Squidward couldn't concentrate.
Renee Zellweger couldn't concentrate.
Roseanne Barr couldn't concentrate.
Slab Bulkhead couldn't concentrate.

ZXD used fists of fury.
TBC suffered 105 HP of damage.
Jinto bit TBC.
SMAAAAAASH!
TBC suffered 20 HP of damage.
Jimtech slashed TBC with his hair.
TBC dodged the attack.
Sofanaz jumped on TBC.
TBC suffered 103 HP of damage.
Bubbles blew a bubble.
TBC wasn't affected.
TBC kicked ZXD.
SMAAAAAASH!
ZXD suffered 200 HP of damage.
Foppy...

Mayor Mike Haggar
You know a story sucks when even the characters are getting bored.


---

Just a recap on the party and its abilities. I feel this is necessary, as we are nearing two pages.

Zero X. Diamond
I doubt this will clear ANYTHING up.


 If the necessity arises, I'll update this post.

Foppy - an average Foppy from Master Belch's factory. He likes to sleep a lot and is on an evergoing quest.

Zero X. Diamond
 He sleeps so damned much I no longer have a handle on what has happened in this story, and his evergoing quest is vague and undefined and might be just another fucking dream at this point.


 Unlike most Foppies, he has hands, a mouth, a backpack, and a Brain Stone.

Zero X. Diamond
So not really an average Foppy at all, huh?


Level 15
HP - 89
PP - 31
Offense - Medium
Defense - Low
Speed - Low
Guts - Very Low
Luck - High

Attacks -
Retractable Hand - Foppy can release his hand as an attack, like a boomerang. It's not very powerful, but it sure is cool.
Retractable Foot - Foppy can release his foot as an attack, like a boomerang. It's not very powerful, but it sure is cool.

Mayor Mike Haggar
Go Go Gadget Middle Finger.


PSI -
PSI Fire a - just like from Earthbound!
PK Beam r - just like from Earthbound Zero!
PSI Earthquake b - it has an area effect and has been known to do over 200 damage.
PSI Firecracker a - it has pretty much the same attack power and range as a Bomb
PSI Lifeup a - just like from Earthbound!

Spoony Spoonicus
I'm cutting and pasting dumb crap wholesale, just like our old friend Fanboy!


Sofanaz the Armored Frog - joined Foppy in Dr. Andonuts laboratory after defeating Machampion. Sofanaz desires to help Foppy, although his motives are uncertain.

Zero X. Diamond
NOBODY'S MOTIVES ARE CERTAIN!  WHY IS ANYONE DOING ANYTHING IN THIS STORY??

Spoony Spoonicus
He's on a quest for a name that doesn't sound like an over-the-counter allergy medicine.

Sofanaz's profile can be found in "Return of something I would prefer..."

Mayor Mike Haggar
That's either a really dumb name for another interactive fiction or some passive aggressive sniping at the people writing in this one instead of their's.


Dr. Andonuts - Dr. Andonuts, the scientist from Winters, joined Foppy because he was tired of lab work - his lab was totally ruined, anyway.

Level 10
HP - 80
PP - 0
Offense - High
Defense - Medium
Speed - Medium
Guts – Low, but probably very high if anyone stole his doughnuts
Luck - Medium

Attacks -
Monkey Wrench - Dr. Andonuts throws a monkey wrench into the enemy. It has a medium power.
Monkey Wrench Explosion - Dr. Andonuts throws an exploding monkey wrench into the enemy. It's pretty darn powerful.
Death Ray - Dr. Andonuts shoots a Death Ray, although the weapon is probably overrated. It is still pretty powerful.

Spoony Spoonicus
Which is why a chubby kid with a baseball bat can do more damage before his level even reaches double digits.

Zero Diamond -
Enlisted Foppy's party as helpers on his quest through his own mind.

Zero X. Diamond
"Drafted" would have been a better word choice.


Since then, Zero Diamond has been adventuring with Foppy.

Zero X. Diamond
 But he's not the leader!  Foppy is the leader!  Zero just makes many important decisions and tells everyone what to do, which is usually what the leader does, but Foppy walks in the front of the line on the world map so it's okay!

Zero Diamond's profile is available in "Return of Something I would prefer..."

Jinto -
Jimtech's partner. A Black Antoid from Zero Diamond's mind. He joined Zero Diamond and has been adventuring with him ever since.

(Zero Diamond, fill me in here)
Level - ???
HP - ???
PP - ???
Offense - ???
Defense - ???
Speed - ???
Guts - ???
Luck - ???

Spoony Spoonicus
Or don't, whatever.


Attacks -
Bite - Jinto bites with his mandibles. It does a little damage, and often SMASH!!!es.

PSI -
PSI Lifeup a – just like from Earthbound!


Jimtech -
Jinto's partner. A Psychic Psycho from Zero Diamond's mind. He joined Zero Diamond and has been adventuring with him ever since.

(Zero Diamond, fill me in here)
Level - ???
HP - ???
PP - ???
Offense - ???
Defense - ???
Speed - ???
Guts - ???
Luck - ???

Attacks -
Hair Slash - Jimtech uses his Psychic Psycho hair and slashes the enemy. It does medium damage.

Clobberpuppy
He's a Battletoad!


PSI -
PSI Fire a – just like from Earthbound!


Bubble Monkey -
Joined Dr. Andonuts in Zero Diamond's mind once he learned the doctor had bubble gum. He hasn't left yet, as it seems Dr. Andonuts still has bubble gum. Rumor is that Dr. Andonuts and Bubble Monkey sometimes share their doughnuts and gum.

Spoony Spoonicus
Good for... them?


Level - 20
HP - 115
PP - 0
Offense - Medium
Defense - Medium
Speed - High
Guts - Medium
Luck - High

Attacks -
Stickwad Bazooka - Bubble Monkey takes some chewed-up gum and fires it through the bazooka. It has medium power, but could probably slow the enemy.

Sticky Bazooka - A weaker variation of the Stickwad Bazooka. It fires some chewy essence of bubble gum, which is very sticky indeed. It has low power, but could probably slow the enemy.

Bubble Blow - Bubble Monkey blows a bubble. *POP!* It can stop the enemy from moving.

Bubble Breath - Bubble Monkey breathes a barrage of bubbles. *KAPOP!!!* It has medium power and can stop the enemy from moving.

Mayor Mike Haggar
You know your story's hero sucks when he's being upstaged by a bit character from the original game, to say nothing of the rest of these clowns.

---

...used PSI Earthquake B.
TBC suffered 200 HP of damage.
TBC ran away.
"Shoot," Foppy said, "no exp. for us."
So, the group went to Toto to get a room at the El Tacano (The Cheap).

Spoony Spoonicus
Proving that they understood Spanish all along and are just a bunch of racist creeps.


Later that night...

---

The party was sleeping, sound asleep and comfortable in their cheap hotel rooms. They got one big room and were sleeping in sleeping bags on the floor. No one heard the noise when the door creaked open. A shadowy figure wearing a Hawaiian shirt snuck into the room and crept up to Foppy's backpack.

Zero X. Diamond
Bruce Campbell's character from Burn Notice?


He reached in and took out a wad of cash. "Yes, tourist. THIS is what Summers is all about... money... money... that's what we want... but freedom... freedom... that's what we've really sought! Dang! I love that Runaway Five! Oh yeah! Heh heh heh..." The man snuck off and forgot to shut the door after him.

Spoony Spoonicus
A random pickpocket.  The drama has reached critical mass!

Zero X. Diamond
Neither his singing nor all the air conditioning blowing out into the hot, humid air outside the hotel woke them up.


That morning...

*groan...*


Foppy gradually opened his eyes, awakening to the smell of scrambled eggs. Foppy had slept in again. He looked up out of his sleeping bag to see Sofanaz cooking a hearty breakfast from his survival kit.

Zero X. Diamond
His survival kit contained eggs, butter, and a hot plate.  And that's all.


Zero Diamond was looking out the window, gazing upon society.

Zero X. Diamond
 "Someday, right out there, I'll do millions of dollars in property damage, nearly get crushed to death under a falling building, then get raped by a crazy woman who's wearing my clothes."


Jinto and Jimtech were drinking coffee, chatting about life, vegetables, and the pursuit of happiness. Bubble Monkey was chewing some caffeine-enriched gum while Dr. Andonuts was eating his morning doughnuts. Foppy got out of his sleeping bag and went over to Sofanaz.

Zero X. Diamond
It turned out that he'd fallen asleep on Drakaan's back and this entire page of story was all just another dream.


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