Random quote:

7/20/2014

Like Clockwork, Part 2

Rachettinello

What a naive child! To think that I, Rachettinello, would be a brainless do-gooder?

Zero X. Diamond
He's literally a cartoon villain from the 80s.


The thought itself makes me laugh!

(He laughs an evil, but irritating, laugh until it begins to irritate even him.)

Rachettinello

I've had him under my power ever since I convinced him that I was a righteous man. To think he didn't suspect me of killing all those priests! It's almost too obvious, if you ask me.

Zero X. Diamond
It's ENTIRELY too obvious.


But I can recognize strength when I see it, and believe me, he has what it takes. My plan has taken shape. Now that Zero is out of the picture, the only thing standing between me and control over the universe is Clockwork, and that is a problem easily remedied.

Spoony Spoonicus
"I can hear you, you know."


All it takes is a bit of careful planning, and lot of execution.

(He chuckles nastily.)

Rachettinello

Execution, which is what lies in Clockwork's future!

Zero X. Diamond
Oh, I get it.  You're making a funny.


(He rises to full blown insane laughter.)

Spoony Spoonicus
Even Nickelodeon would tell this guy to scale it back.


Rachettinello

The world will once again fear this name.

Zero X. Diamond
It feared it before?


The heavens will tremble! The people will grovel!

(Rachettinello throws up his arms and tosses his head back.)

Rachettinello

[shouting] I shall feast upon the flesh of fallen angels!

Max Payne
He was one sick animal, babbling all that spooky monkey talk. I had the cure to his madness in my Beretta clip, and I would hand-deliver it one bullet at a time.


(He returns to his insane laughter. Curtains close. End of Scene.)

Scene 4

(The scene is a wooded area. From stage left come Katie and Rocky, walking.)

Katie

Mr. Formello?

(They stop walking.)

Rocky

Yes, Katie?

Katie

Why aren't there any people out here?

Rocky

These woods, so I hear, are watched over by a group of bandits.

Clobberpuppy
And wolverines.  Lots and lots of wolverines.

Zero X. Diamond
We're in the modern era, yet there are bandits in the woods.  Yeah, okay.  I buy that.


Katie

Bandits are thieves, right?

Rocky

Yes, that's right.

Katie

Okay.

Boss Bandit

[offstage] Did somebody say... bandits?

Zero X. Diamond
Oh boy, this guy.  Get ready for enough ham to feed a family.


Katie

[worried] Mr. Formello?

Rocky

I heard it too, Katie. [to Boss Bandit] Who are you? Show yourself!

Boss Bandit

Gladly!

(Boss Bandit leaps out from behind some trees, and some Bandits come out from other various hiding places. They all draw out swords, daggers and the like.)

Spoony Spoonicus
Apparently we've walked out of modern times and into England in the 1300s.


Boss Bandit

Looks like we have some intruders in our woods. Guess what that means, boys?

Zero X. Diamond
You're going to act like if Errol Flynn had taken acting lessons from a gay William Shatner?


First Bandit

Free stuff?

Boss Bandit

That's right!

Bandits

Huzzah!

Mayor Mike Haggar
This line was changed to "Oh yeah!" in the official release, leading to thousands of fans whining about the game being "butchered" and crafting conspiracy theories about the company stealing it from its original author with absolutely no substantial evidence to back up their claims.

Boss Bandit

What do you have to say about that, boy?

Rocky

Just one thing.

Boss Bandit

Well? Spit it out!

Clobberpuppy
Don't make me angry.  You wouldn't like me when I'm angry.


Rocky

Who, pray tell, are you?

(Boss Bandit puts his hands on his hips and throws his head back in laughter.   He laughs briefly, and then stops.)

Mayor Mike Haggar
Did everyone in this story go to the Jim Carrey school of acting?


Boss Bandit

Who am I? Ha ha, who am I? Tell 'em, boys!

(He makes a swooping point to the Bandits with one arm, as if expecting them to sing a jolly song about who he is and how great they think he is. Instead, there are a few mumbles and shrugs.)

Zero X. Diamond
 He's Boss Bandit, and he's really lame
His profession is written in his name
He couldn't fight a kitten if it were tame
Boss Bandit should hang his head in shame

Second Bandit

Uh... he's Boss Bandit, leader of the bandits.

(Boss Bandit smacks a hand over his face, shakes his head in disbelief, quickly removes his hand and stomps over to the Bandits. He throws his arms in the air in fury.)

Boss Bandit

Ugh, you forgot the song already! Be prepared for a serious reprimand when we get back home!

Spoony Spoonicus
These guys make Rocksteady and Bebop look like professional assassins.


(Rocky raises his hand.)

Boss Bandit

What do you want, boy?!?

Rocky

I'd just like to ask you how you expect to take our belongings?

Zero X. Diamond
At this rate, my guess would be utilizing a splashy West Side Story-like dance fight, complete with snapping fingers and poses.

Boss Bandit

Well, you're either gonna surrender them, or we're gonna cut you a new breathing hole in the middle of your chest! And as for the little lass, we'll sell her to the gypsies. Because gypsies love to buy children! Ha ha ha!

Spoony Spoonicus
Hooray for negative stereotypes.

Zero X. Diamond
That was the implication of your prior sentence, yes.  Adding that sends it from "something you'd tell your misbehaving child as a lighthearted joke" to "something you'd say after shaving your head and joining a hate group."


Katie

You're not a very nice man, are you?

Boss Bandit

Well, no, not since my childhood when my father refused to take me to see... I'm sorry, was I going into that story about why I'm so mean again?

Zero X. Diamond
 *canned laughter (because nobody in their right mind would actually laugh at this)*

Spoony Spoonicus
No, you were digressing into a terrible stand-up routine that's sapping our collective will to live.


First Bandit

Yeah.

Second Bandit

You were.

Third Bandit

But we understand where you were coming from.

Katie

You're gonna try to hurt us, aren't you?

Boss Bandit

Oh, most undoubtedly.

Katie

I'm not gonna let you!

(There is a moment of uneasy silence, followed by uproarious laughter from Boss Bandit and the Bandits.)

Boss Bandit

[laughing] Oh, oh, what you gonna do? You gonna cry for your mommy? You gonna need a tissue?

Zero X. Diamond
Taunting a little girl.  Man, you guys are so cool.


(They continue laughing. Katie suddenly jolts her arm out horizontally. Some unseen force hurls Boss Bandit and the Bandits backwards.)

Clobberpuppy
MMMMIND BULLETS!


Rocky

Now, what was that about giving me a new breathing hole?

Boss Bandit

Oh, uh, that? Heh heh, that was just a joke, right, boys?

Bandits

Oh! Yeah, a joke, yep, definitely.

(Boss Bandit looks up at Rocky.)

Boss Bandit

Oh please! Please, don't kill us! I'll do anything!

Zero X. Diamond
I swear to Christ, this guy is a walking theater stereotype.  When are we going to see a scene where he and Rocky get into an argument and he encourages the audience to join in?


Katie

Anything?

Boss Bandit

Anything, you just name it!

Clobberpuppy
Ride a tiny bicycle through a flaming hoop!


Rocky

How do we know you're not lying?

Boss Bandit

Though we may be thieves, us bandits still have honor!

Rocky

Well, I think we'll just let you go then, and-

Katie

Come with us!

Rocky

What? Katie, this man's a thief, and-

Katie

And daddy said that we should pick up anyone we'd have the chance to!

Spoony Spoonicus
Your dad also married a woman who stalked and raped him and sent an untrained five year old girl on a quest to kill an invincible assassin and avenge his death.  Maybe he wasn't the best role model, mm?

Rocky

Well, I suppose he did...

Katie

So, are you coming, Mr. Bandit, sir?

Boss Bandit

I dunno if I should just leave my crew behind in the woods. [to Bandits] Do you think you can handle the business without me for a while?

First Bandit

Sure!

Second Bandit

You can count on us.

Third Bandit

Don't worry, Boss! We'll be fine.

Boss Bandit

By the way, where will we be going?

Katie

We're looking for the man who killed my daddy!

Clobberpuppy
Then we're going to kill him, then I'm going to spend the rest of my life in jail!

Zero X. Diamond
And boy am I ever excited about it!


Rocky

A man by the name of Clockwork. You wouldn't by any chance know-

Boss Bandit

Clockwork?!?

Rocky

Do you know him?

Boss Bandit

The freak in the blue who ticks all the time?

Spoony Spoonicus
"It's called Tourettes Syndrome and I'm very sensitive about it, thank you very much."


Katie

That's him! Oh, Mr. Formello, it's that terrible man who killed daddy!

Boss Bandit

Yeah, I seen him pass through here many times in the last two years or so. First time we saw him, we tried to jump him. Boy, did he ever whale on us. We hardly stood a chance! Ever since then, we all been deathly scared of anyone who can do anything that ain't normal.

Zero X. Diamond
 You should have seen them the time they tried to jump the guy who could suck milk up his nose and squirt it out of his eye.


Third Bandit

I really had no idea you could do that with a stick.

Boss Bandit

Yeah, that part was one of the worst.

Mayor Mike Haggar
Do not explain it.  I don't want to know.


Rocky

Have you seen him lately?

Mayor Mike Haggar
Thank God.


Boss Bandit

Passed through here yesterday.

Katie

Where was he going, Mr. Bandit?

Boss Bandit

He was headed north. Moving pretty fast. In fact, I think he was flying.

Katie

Flying?

Boss Bandit

Could've just been my eyes playing tricks on me.

Clobberpuppy
Or all the peyote.  It was probably the peyote.


Rocky

Well, Boss, we've got to be on our way. Do you have everything you'll need?

Zero X. Diamond
Did you pack your jammies and your night light?


Boss Bandit

All I needs is my sword and my bandana.

Rocky

Then we're all set?

Boss Bandit

Of course.

Rocky

Then it's onward, ho!

Spoony Spoonicus
Add that to the list of "things people in the 21st century never say unless they want to forever be branded a fucking dork."

(Everyone exits stage right. Curtains close. End of Scene.)

Scene 5

(The scene is another part of the forest. There is a small clearing. Embedded in a stump is Katie, Rocky, and Boss Bandit enter from stage left.)

Spoony Spoonicus
...What?  I did not change this line from the original text, I swear.

Zero X. Diamond
Clipping is a dangerous passtime.


Rocky

Hmm.

Katie

What's wrong, Mr. Formello?

Rocky

That clearing over there. It looks unnatural.

Zero X. Diamond
It's one of those HOMOSEXUAL clearings.


Boss Bandit

What are you trying to say?

Zero X. Diamond
It's entirely made of mylar and covered in spaghetti.


Rocky

Somebody has been chopping down trees.

(Rocky sees the axe embedded in the stump.)

Rocky

Yes, there's the axe they were using.

Boss Bandit

What do you make of it?

Mayor Mike Haggar
What could it possibly mean, Sherlock?!


Rocky

We're nearing civilization, or at least some subsidiary thereof.

Zero X. Diamond
CiviliCorp: a subsidiary of Civilization.
Mayor Mike Haggar
Brilliant!  Holmes, you've done it again!


Boss Bandit
Meaning?

Rocky

Clockwork may be nearby. We've got to be prepared to fight.

Katie

I'm ready.

Boss Bandit

I'm not. Can I go?

Zero X. Diamond
Bernard, don't be a tuna head!


Rocky

No.

Boss Bandit

Somehow, I saw that coming.

Clobberpuppy
Bup ba da da da ba bup (flaccid trumpet)


Rocky

Boss, be serious. We have no idea what he can do. We're going to need every bit of help we can get.

Boss Bandit

Alright, alright!

(Rocky squints as he looks off into the distance.)

Katie

Is it him?

Rocky

I'm not sure. He wears all blue, right?

Katie

Yep.

Rocky

Black mask?

Boss Bandit

Yeah.

Clobberpuppy
"Cadillac?"
"Yeah."
"THE BOY'S A TIME BOMB!"

Rocky

It's probably him.

Boss Bandit

I say we hide!

Rocky

That's actually not that bad of an idea.

Katie

Huh? I don't get it.

Zero X. Diamond
The guy who killed your invincible super dad in a single punch is coming towards us in the middle of the woods where there will be no witnesses to our murders.  Do I really have to spell this out for you, kid?


Rocky

All three of us can hide behind the trees. If our luck holds out, he'll be chopping wood. I'll approach him first, since he doesn't know me. The element of surprise, Katie. The element of surprise.

Spoony Spoonicus
BRILLIANT!  Napoleon himself couldn't come up with a better plan.


Previous - Next

Like Clockwork, Part 1 (An Aberration Arboretum Presentation)

Spoony Spoonicus
It's been a while since we did one of these, but considering how much of a Sisyphean chore the last one was to read, can you blame us?  I have been assured, however, that Fanboy had no hand in this one, so it shouldn't make us pray for death; I make no promises however.  So that said, let's dive in to another one of the dumbass adventures of Zero Diamond.  But first, a preamble from this story's author.

Oh, and please excuse the formatting errors.  Openoffice is literally made by Satan and is responsible for the gigantic tangled mess of code this page has become, rendering me unable to fix it in any sort of timely fashion.
Zero X. Diamond
Were we to assemble a timeline of events--which would be stupid because as we all know, continuity doesn't really mean anything in these stories--Like Clockwork takes place several years after Rise of the Technoids.  Our egomaniac self-insert hero married his rapist and started a family of his own on a tropcial island off the coast of Twoson, where he, his wife, and his young daughter live their lives completely isolated from the real world.

If this sounds like pulse-pounding excitement to you, congratulations!  You're an idiot!  The remainder of the story is a confusing and terrible linear slog towards the finish line starring some old familiar morons and a few new ones to boot.  Watch out for the villain whose dialogue was literally scanned over while I was referencing some fancy "words for smart people" thesaurus, making him talk like no human being has ever spoken on Earth.

 Oh, and one final note: this was written for a high school project.  I turned this in for a grade.  And with that terrible memory out of the way, let's all cringe along with the story!

Like Clockwork
By: Zero X. Diamond

Scene 1

(The scene is a tropical island setting.


Zero X. Diamond
Yes, swaying palms and tropical breezes just off the coast of a town with the same climate as Wisconsin.  Makes sense.


In the back is a small house.



Zero X. Diamond
Inside, Professor is assembling a coconut radio to try and contact a rescue for the other castaways.



Through a window, you can see Ryoto working over a stove. Though not visible through the window, her daughter Katie is also present. There is a sudden loud noise, like a tree being snapped in two. Ryoto looks out the window to stage left.)

Katie
Mommy, was that daddy?

Ryoto
Yes, sweetie, daddy is bringing home some firewood. He should be home right about-

(Zero enters from stage left, carrying an entire palm tree. 


Zero X. Diamond
Humble as always, I see.


 Both Ryoto and Katie run out of the house to meet him.)

Ryoto
[sweetly] Now.

Zero
Hi, I'm home! 


Zero X. Diamond
*audience cheers until they realize it's not a likable character, but just this asshole again*


 And I brought back a LOT of firewood!

Ryoto
That's great, honey! ... But how'd you cut it down? You don't have anything with you other than the tree...

(He gets a silly grin on his face, and puts one hand behind his head.)

Zero X. Diamond
 LOL ANIME ^_^


Zero
Well, I used my bare hands. It's not that hard.

(Katie crosses to Zero, tugs on his pant leg.)

Zero
Oh, hello to you too, little Katie-chan! 


Mega Man
YOU ARE NOT JAPANESE.

Also, honorifics generally aren't used between family members.  Do your research!
Zero X. Diamond
I... I don't fucking believe it.  I seriously had him use a Japanese name suffix.  I'd forgotten I was apparently once this terrible.

Professor Monocle McTopHat
I do say, I cannot dissociate this suffix from a strong connection to the author's lolicon complex! This phenomena is quite fascinating.

 How was your day?

Katie
Great, daddy! I think I'm getting stronger. Some day, maybe I'll be as strong as you and mommy!

Zero X. Diamond
Not until I have kids of my own who adopt you as their own terrible self-insert character.


(Zero picks up Katie, smiles warmly.)

Zero
Good. Maybe by the next time something bad happens, you'll be strong enough to help us.

Zero X. Diamond
That's a good father for you: put your children in the line of fire for whatever the next world dominating force that shows up happens to be.


(Zero catches a whiff of something, drools slightly.)

Zero
Is that lunch that I smell?

Ryoto
Why yes, it-

(Zero cuts her off by running at top speed into the house.


Zero X. Diamond
FUCK YOU, GIVE ME FOOD


Ryoto giggles quietly under a cupped hand. Both of the girls enter the house. Everyone sits down to eat.)

Zero
Lovely day we're having, isn't it? It's like nothing in the world can disturb us out here. It's paradise.

Zero X. Diamond
Cue something in the world disturbing them out here and ruining their paradise.

Professor Monocle McTopHat
What a fascinating attempt to artificially prompt Murphy's Law! Oh I must document this for posterity.

(There is at this point, a soft, but audible, ticking sound, like a clock. 


Zero X. Diamond
What, are they in a Bergman film now?  Are we going to go black and white and hear a plainly stated monologue from Zero Diamond about entropy?


Zero gives a funny look, Ryoto's catgirl ears perk up.)

Zero
Do you hear a ticking noise?

Ryoto
[grimly] Katie, get in the basement. Now! Something is NOT RIGHT!

Clobberpuppy
That goddamn crocodile should be DEAD!
Zero X. Diamond
Ironically, the basement is where the time bomb is.


(They both exit to the basement. 


Zero X. Diamond
Okay, gonna point this out since this is probably the last chance I'll get: it's pretty clear that despite having once raped him, Ryoto's since had her spirit completely broken by her husband.  She saved his life several times and refused to ever back down from a fight in Rise of the Technoids, but now she's a bland domestic who hides in the basement when she hears something even remotely out of place.

Zero walks out of the house. It is at that moment that a man is seen, just barely, through the trees. Zero spots him, and he steps out. His face is completely devoid of emotion, and he's perfectly still.)


Zero X. Diamond
Hiding in the treeline?  Completely devoid of emotion?  Why, it's famous internet legend Slenderman, here to make this story even worse!


Clockwork
Greetings, sir. Is your name Zero Diamond? You fit his description.



Zero X. Diamond
He looks down at his notes to double check: stupid looking long-haired hermit who lives on an island with a superpowered rapist and a little girl.  Yep, that's our man.


Zero
Yes, that I am. Who are you, what business do you have with me, and why are you ticking?

(Clockwork closes his eyes and grins.)

Clockwork
I am the hand of judgment that meets all men. I am the final ruling of lives. I am mortal, yet invincible. 


Zero X. Diamond
I am matter, I am antimatter.  I consume time, and I shall consume you!


 I am Clockwork.

Spoony Spoonicus
Okay, so you have the worst name ever given to a human.  But you didn't answer the question about why that makes you literally tick.
Professor Monocle McTopHat
Smashing pun!


(Zero raises an eyebrow.)

Zero
You're not from around here, are you?

Zero X. Diamond
*canned laughter*


(All emotion leaves Clockwork's face.)

Mayor Mike Haggar
If I had a name like yours, I'd probably try to make up for it with some kind of personality.


Clockwork
For the second answer, I have to tell you bit about myself. 


Zero X. Diamond
Oh yes, please do.  Beat me over the head with the exposition.  Put me into a coma with your backstory.

Professor Monocle McTopHat
*monocle pops off* I do say!


 I was born in a church, and left for reasons unknown within the clock tower. A priest found me, and took me in under his wing. One day, master came and told me that the others were being killed. Something about deep knife wounds or some such thing.


Zero X. Diamond
You know, something like that.  Wasn't really important, I guess.


Eventually, only master and I remained.


Zero X. Diamond
And this didn't seem suspicious to you at all?


 Master's unfathomable courage kept us there. He trained me, taught me how to heal, and showed me how to fight. And then, he told me of a certain fellow who had to be taught a lesson. That fellow is you, I am afraid. I hope you're ready to die, Zero.

Zero X. Diamond
You really drank the Flavor-Aid, didn't you?  All it took was a handful of "mysterious" murders and some training and you're willing to murder a stranger because your master said he needed to be "taught a lesson"?


Zero
I've been challenged with death before, Clockwork. Every single time, I've managed to pull myself out of the hands of Death himself. 


Zero X. Diamond
In fact, if you look up deus ex machina in the dictionary, it's just a picture of Zero Diamond giving the grim reaper the middle finger while skateboarding away from an open grave with his name on it.

 I don't plan on having that change any time soon.

Clockwork
Death cannot be evaded forever, Zero. His cold, vice-like grip will claim us all, eventually.

Zero
Better you than me.

Zero X. Diamond
 Add "bub" and *snkt* to the end of this and it instantly turns him into Wolverine.


Clockwork
Prepare to meet thy maker!

(He strikes Zero in the face, sending him backwards, fast. Clockwork begins laughing. Zero springs back to his feet and charges at Clockwork, knocking him over, thus ending the laughter. A tremendous battle ensues.)

Zero X. Diamond
I'm not really going to tell you anything about it, though.

Clockwork
[while blocking hits] I underestimated you, Zero! You are much stronger than I had expected. But I'm afraid it is the end for YOU!

(He delivers a powerful kick, sending Zero hurtling off, stage left. Curtains close. 


Zero X. Diamond
Well, that was terrible, but at least it was short!


Zero falls out from stage right to as close to front center as he can manage.


Zero X. Diamond
*sigh*  Nevermind...


Clockwork enters from stage right and runs up to Zero, who has managed himself back to his feet by this point. The battle resumes, moving back and forth across the stage. When time appropriate, Clockwork shoves Zero hard with both arms and sends him off stage right.

Spoony Spoonicus
Then the Gorn appears and Zero has to fend him off with clumsy martial arts and rocks!

Curtains open. Zero falls out from stage left to as close to center stage as he can manage. 


Clobberpuppy
They began to fight with beam sabers, but quickly gave up on that once they got their Schwartzes twisted.


Clockwork steps out from stage left. Zero gets up and runs at him, but before he can attack once more, Clockwork gives him an incredibly hard punch in the stomach. Zero falls to his knees, choking and gasping, then collapses on the floor.


Zero X. Diamond
Damn, Houdini'd.  (Yes, I realize that's not actually how he died, shut up.)


 He is slain.


Zero X. Diamond
Zero Diamond reached the 13th level of Terrible Fanfiction with 2508 XP and 4069 Gold.


Katie bursts forth from the house and runs at Clockwork, crying.)

Katie
[hysterical] You killed my daddy! You're a terrible man! I'm gonna... I'm gonna-

Mega Man X
Oh don't worry, he'll be back in five minutes.  Just like the real Zero!


Clockwork
Sorry, little one, but it is not your time.

(He exits stage left. Katie falls to her knees next to her dead father, and bawls over him. Ryoto comes out, crying as well, and joins her. Curtains close. An evil, but annoying, laugh is heard for a few moments. End of Scene.)

Scene 2

(It is a graveyard. There is an open casket, inside of which lies Zero's dead body.


Zero X. Diamond
Gathered around it is an uproariously cheering crowd, happy to finally be free from his self-insert dominance.

Clobberpuppy
A marching band plays "Ding Dong, the Witch is Dead" in the background.


 Behind it is a podium with a man behind it. This man is Rocky Formello


Zero X. Diamond
Oh joy, it's the sports car wizard again!


Also present is Katie, Ryoto, and a group of mourners. [Among which may be Ness, Paula, Jeff and/or Poo of EarthBound fame.] 


Spoony Spoonicus
Because they brought so much to the last story.


 There is general quiet commotion and crying. Rocky steps up to the podium, everyone falls silent.)

Rocky
We are gathered here today in remembrance of one of our age's greatest heroes. That hero's name is Zero Diamond. His real name is Takaeada Moyomota,


Spoony Spoonicus
Neither of those names is a real name.

Mayor Mike Haggar
His mother named him by randomly headbutting a typewriter.  Using his head.  While he was still in utero.

Zero X. Diamond
Yes, our incredibly white blonde haired blue eyed hero's name is Takaeada Moyomota.  Let's just pretend that makes sense, okay?


 but the only name we really see fitting of this hero is Zero. [pause] He wasn't only a hero to the people, but also to his family. His wife, Ryoto, and his daughter, Katie. I'd like to wish them the best of luck in the future.

Ryoto
[through her tears] Thank you so much for your condolences, Mr. Formello...

Rocky
He left not only a family behind, but also a trail of friends that stretches out as far as he traveled during his lifetime. I was the closest of which.


Zero X. Diamond
Some might say we were too close.  Illegally close.


 Zero and I had been friends since he returned home some years ago. Unfortunately, it seems as if his enemies are as great in number as friends. He was fallen by a man right outside of his own home.

(It is at that precise moment that Zero suddenly opens his eyes and slowly begins to sit up. There is confusion and shock from the mourners.)

Mega Man X
Told you.

Zero X. Diamond
Or, you know, despair.  Definitely what I'd be feeling if this idiot came back from the dead.


Rocky
Zero?! But you're-

Zero
Dead? Yes, I am quite dead.

Zero X. Diamond
SORRY, I'M DEAD.


(Katie gets up and is about to start running towards Zero, Ryoto holds her back.)

Zero X. Diamond
Don't touch Zombie Dad.  You don't know what kind of gross he might have all over him.

Clobberpuppy
Zombie Dad: Smelliest Catch


Zero
Ryoto, let Katie be. If she wants to come and be with me, let her. I'm dead, and once I've conveyed my message, she'll most likely never see me again.

Katie
Daddy, no!

(She runs up to Zero and hugs him tightly around the legs.)

Katie
You can't leave again! I won't let you!

Zero
I'm sorry...

Spoony Spoonicus
'The 900 number for "kill the obnoxious Gary Stu" got more calls than the "let him live" number.  I have to go now.  And rise from the grave years later as a really terrible antihero that nobody likes.'

...I don't even read DC comics, why the hell am I making this joke?

Katie
[crying softly] But... why?

Zero
I have come to have my death avenged. 


Zero X. Diamond
See, this is what happens when proper Norse burial rituals aren't observed.  Forget to push needles through the deceased's feet and next thing you know it, bam, they've risen as a vengeful revenant.

 The man who killed me goes by the name of Clockwork, and all I have to go on is that he was born in a church and that he acted on the will of his master. Katie, I have chosen you to find both Clockwork and his master.

Spoony Spoonicus
You must avenge my death by slaying a cultist nutjob,  my five-year-old daughter!

Mega Man
He couldn't ask his wife, who has already proven to be an exceptionally powerful fighter and, unlike him, hasn't been killed off and resurrected a half-dozen times already...

Zero X. Diamond
You, my five year old daughter, and definitely not my superpowered wife who already has combat experience and would have foamed at the mouth for the chance to avenge my death before I turned her into my domestic slave.

Ryoto
What? You mean, on her own?

Zero
Along with her will go Rocky Formello, my closest companion. On your way, you will undoubtedly meet friends and foes alike. Take all the help that you can get, Katie.

Zero X. Diamond
Like the hobo with a rusty pocket knife who hangs out in the alley by the department store mumbling about how the government is controlled by Reptilians.  He'll prove very useful.

Rocky
But where are we going? Do we even know?

Zero
I've been told that Clockwork was last seen headed far to the north.

Rocky
Told? By who?

(Zero gets up and climbs back into the casket.)

Zero
There are many things about death that man has yet to grasp, Rocky.

Zero X. Diamond
Wow, man.  That's like, so deep...  is what I might say about that if I were baked out of my goddamn mind 24/7 and had never heard a profound statement in my entire life.

(He dies, again. Everyone commences with conversing. Curtains close. End of Scene.)

Mayor Mike Haggar
The parade outside stopped playing as the gathered went to demand a refund, since Zero was technically alive the whole time.  They decided not to oblige for wasting their time like this.

Scene 3

(The scene is a dark, dirty, abandoned church. There are rows of empty pews, an aisle down the center and an altar at the front. Behind the altar sits Rachettinello. Down the aisle comes Clockwork, up to the front. He sits stage right of the altar.)

Rachettinello
Clockwork, you've returned! And quite victorious, I understand.

Zero X. Diamond
Uh, how does he know?


Clockwork
Of course, master.

Rachettinello
Excellent, excellent.

The Penguin
Mreeeeh hreeh hreeeh hreeh!



Clockwork
But master, I cannot help but sense that something's terribly out of balance here. 

Zero X. Diamond
That's just the belt in the washing machine. I've been meaning to replace it, but, you know, hard to get a repairman at an abandoned church in the middle of the woods.


It is almost as if, dare I suggest, I have killed an innocent man.

Rachettinello
Nonsense! I told you all about him, didn't I?

Clockwork
Yes, I suppose.

Rachettinello
All about how terrible and rotten a person he was?

Zero X. Diamond
Not to mention how yucky and poopy and dumb he was.


Clockwork
I recall this, yes.

Spoony Spoonicus
So you went and murdered a man you had no personal beef with just because someone else told you he was an asshole.  You didn't even get paid for the trouble, either.  What a great villain.

Rachettinello
And the countless masses that he slaughtered without cause?

Clockwork
Yes, yes.

Rachettinello
He was no doubt the one who murdered all the other priests.

Clockwork
I suppose it only makes sense.

Zero X. Diamond
If you're a brainwashed retard without the ability to utilize logical reasoning.


Rachettinello
You know, he and I had been face-to-face many times before.

Clockwork
Oh?

Rachettinello
Yes, that's one of the reasons I know the things that I do about him.

Clockwork
Please, do tell.

Rachettinello
Well, I do recall the first time we met. 


Zero X. Diamond
Hooray!!  More pointless backstory!!!  Give me a big old fucking bowl of this shit!


 You were only a gleam in a young man's eye at this point, and he himself was only about five.

Clockwork
Five? Surely he could not have been so evil at the age of five!

Rachettinello
No, no, no, it wasn't him at all. At this juncture, it was his father who was in my way.

Clockwork
[confused] What do you mean, "in your way?"

Rachettinello
Did I say my way? I meant he was in the way of justice!

Clockwork
Oh, I see.

Zero X. Diamond
 Your behavior continues to not be suspiscious in any way.


Rachettinello
So anyways, here's this guy, and I'm there to stop him, right?

Rick James
So then he comes in there, and I said, "Look bitch, I'm Rick James."  Then I smacked him.  Ah ah ah ah ah ah!


Clockwork
Yes.

Rachettinello
I'm about to destroy him, when all of a sudden, little Zero's forehead lights up like the sun and I'm smashed through a wall. He fell out the window and disappeared without a trace for years.

Clockwork
Fascinating!

Mayor Mike Haggar
Nothing even remotely suspect about this story, no sir!

Zero X. Diamond
 I don't think that word means what you think it does.


Rachettinello
It turns out he wiped his memory when he blasted me. He again resurfaced years later, this time clad in armor with guns in his arms and a sword on his back. He began slaughtering innocents, knowing that my bleeding heart would force me out to fight him. We clashed many times, most of which were incredibly close by outcome. Our last battle, I was killed.

Clockwork
Killed? But then, how are you-

Rachettinello
I mean, it would seem I was killed. You see, I was in truth hidden in a deep hole. 


Mega Man
A plot hole, more like.


 Though he might have been clever, he wasn't smart enough to know I wasn't obliterated. The fool.

Clockwork
He sounds to be a truly formidable foe. But if this is so, how was it that I could defeat him so easily?

Zero X. Diamond
Stop asking me to make sense of this bullshit story!


Rachettinello
Was he wearing his armor?

Clockwork
No.

Rachettinello
Well then, that's part of it. One might also attribute it to the surprise factor, or maybe even your skill as a fighter.

Clockwork
Please, master, do not flatter me.

Rachettinello
In that case, I have some menial labor for you to do. If you plan on having food tonight, you're going to have to go get some wood.

Spoony Spoonicus
"Jeez, there's gratitude.  I just murdered a man for you in cold blood.  A man who couldn't even get life insurance because he dies off more quickly and often than rats in a microwave.  Honestly, that funeral probably bankrupted his family."

Clockwork
If you so ask, it shall be done.

Zero X. Diamond
Thy kingdom come, thy will be done.  Thy kingdom being a filthy abandoned church, thy will being that I should collect wood that we're apparently eating for dinner.


(Clockwork leaves. Rachettinello pulls his hood off.)


Vince McMahon
IT'S ME, AUSTIN!  IT WAS ME ALL ALONG!

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