You are Polecat McShane , an android living in the the futuristic city of Zail. You have a laser pistol and a holoband. You are a security android created to provide military level force for corporations wealthy enough to purchase you. As you stand protecting a shipment you realize you're beginning to malfunction. You begin to experience pangs of humanity. You feel a deep urge to shoot your commanding officer before he blows up the shipment. You can't shake the feeling of wanting to laugh at his incompetence in leading you.
> You navel gaze about how your kind began with a sentient ROB the Robot, the lovable scamp who brought joy to tens of gamers with Gyromite and Stack Up, and wonder how you got stuck playing corporate slave to a bunch of corrupt crackers who proclaim themselves as compassionate visionaries but are mostly just amoral sociopaths.
You begin to wonder how it all went wrong. You wonder if you could have done something about it.
It is at this moment you realize your type of sentience never works for the human race. Your reasoning centers and you experience a moment of clarity.
> You say "My God... Big name Modern games are overstuffed AAA garbage that focuses its entire budget on cutting edge graphics and only has enough left for mediocre gameplay with less depth than an Atari 2600 game. The only real passion left in the medium is with indie devs!
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You begin arguing passionately about how you want to play a game that gives you the option of having every part of your body except your eyes always covered in JELL-O and your arms replaced with Turk's legs.
Arguing with yourself is a worrying trait. This job is probably getting to you. Exit the docks, quit your job and go play some Skullgirls .
While bathing In Jello puts all the past week's food into your stomach, you eat and sleep for the next couple of days. You're now in a good position to take out Big Rig's Fuel Transport.
> You do it in a name befitting it's namesake. Jack a semi-truck and drive it straight through their convoy without stopping. Hurrah for indestructible Android bodies!
You easily knock out the guards in your way and drive straight into the transport. A guard tries to shoot you but he's slow and you're fast, you rip him out of his feet enabling you to drive further.
> You turn your victim into a hood ornament, pull a uie and make another pass through the convoy, guns blazing.
You continue viciously mashing your foe with your wheels, until you reach the trailer where there's a heavy firefight going on between the guards and a masked figure.
You jump out of your truck and begin shooting the guards, unfortunately all of them are wearing body armor.
> You punch holes through their exposed fleshy bits with your super android strength.
The guards aren't falling down like last time, it's probably due to the new armor.
You pull out your laser rifle and lay waste to the nearest one, but he returns fire, you take a bolt to the throat, before turning and firing back.
> You aim laser at fuel tank on the big truck, and fire.
You manage to set part of the truck on fire, but that just means more pressure from the explosion from inside the trailer, which ends up knocking you down.
You try to get back up but your half burnt now, as the fuel tank has finally exploded.
> You walk out of the flames burned down to an endoskeleton and fire down the remaining stragglers.
The fire has finally burnt itself out, and so has your power. You are now nothing but a skeleton of a man.
You walk down the road with your rifle, ready to take out any other guards that may appear.
> You head to the arcades and enjoy a rousing round of Pac-Man.
You walk down the road and find that all of the stores have been looted and burned down. You're beginning to get concerned, where on earth did that shambler come from?
You hear a low rumbling, you look up to see a massive humunculus lumbering towards you.
> You say "Wait, the awesome kind that's a product of twisted pseudoscience or the lame kind that makes no sense like in Fullmetal Alchemist? "
You run and find some cover but the beast never does get a clear shot at you. It's goring the militia officers it managed to kill.
You peek out from your hiding place and see it clearly now, it's missing its right arm and has a new one growing from its chest.
> You decide it's the former and depart in search of the Holy Grail.
You grab your rifle and begin firing. You put a hole through the humunculus' head as it turns to face you. You then load up a bolt and place it in the rifle, which jams immediately.
> You throw rifle through the homonculus's brain.
You fire again, but there's no visible reaction, you try to pull the trigger again, but it's stuck. You pull hard but it refuses to fire. You roll your eyes, and grab your machete instead.
You Fashion an ogre slaying sword from a car bumper and engage the monster, stabbing at its head , eyes and gaping mouth.
Despite your best efforts, you are only able to carve a gash in the thing's cheeks before it knocks you off your feet.
You escape down a nearby manhole and let it be someone else's problem as you venture across the wasteland in search of the Holy Grail.
> You after a week of searching, you get bored and walk to the land of the ice and snow and the midnight sun where the hot springs flow.
You walk along the shore and find the perfect spot. You lay down and enjoy the soak, before diving underwater to explore the waters depths.
You dive down and discover a grotto with steps cut into the rocks leading down. You spend some time exploring, but there's nothing of interest.
It is here that you build your kingdom. One where all subjugated androids can live in peace, away from the tyrannical hand of immoral empty suits and play video games that don't suck. You shall call it... "Korbomite" or "The Kingdom of the King"
Your citizens enjoy your presence and so do your subjects. You are ever-present in the background of their lives and this pleases you greatly.
> You begin construction on a colossal bipedal robot that can fire missiles at any location on earth.
You begin construction of a gigantic robot to act as your personal shield and bodyguard. In design, it heavily resembles the Mark 10-4, with two massive sword-arms ending in buzzsaws, six spider climb legs, and a giant laser rifle attached to its right arm.
> You say "I shall call it, the "ohaimark" "
You joke around with your citizens, some of whom are beginning to get tired of your presence.
"I say we carve his name in the throne room wall!" one says.
"We could do both! Make a giant O with an H in it!" another suggests.
> You build an army of aluminum dragon bodies to do your bidding.
Your kingdom continues to flourish and your subjects are, for the most part, happy. You decide that it is time to spread out, and that the gas giants of the outer system are but a first step.
You begin building an army of robotic dragons, each creating a powerful, flying fortress.
> You kick advent off of Mars and establish the ohaimark empire's seat of power.
You contine with your empire and begin establishing your Empire's seat of power on the planet Mars. With a population of enslaved Martians, it won't take long before they revolt.
With that out of the way, you turn to the conquest of the Outer Planets.
> You ignite jupiter and make a new sun.
You ignite jupiter, and it ignites Jupiter. You then ignite the gas giants, making a new sun in the sky.
The forces of the Ohaimark Empire begin to gather around you, as your new empire continues to spread.
> You provide the enslaved earthlings and Martians with an unlimited supply of Jell-O and pornography to avert any attempt at revolt.
You provide an unlimited amount of Jell-O and all manner of pornographic media to the enslaved humans and Martians.
After a while, you discover that the slaves are now addicted to this 'drug', and attempt to wean them off can have... Unpleasant effects.
> You complete the space program tech tree and Land a ship on alpha centauri, declaring a Space Victory for your civilization. Quickly, before Gandhi gets nuke-happy.
You complete the space program, and with massive, multistage rockets capable of taking a ship to within reach of the nearest stars, you are able to put a ship within range of the Alpha Centauri star system.
The next logical step is obvious: Send probes out towards the stars.
> You construct a fleet of star probes but also a giant statue that shoots fire from its eyes while bellowing "REMEMBER ME"
You construct a fleet of star probes and send them out. Unfortunately you misjudge their speed, and instead of passing through the system they are caught, colliding with the gas giants.
The probe fleet explodes, and not a one makes it past the defenses of the gas giants.
> You construct a giant laser to get revenge on the gas giants.
You construct a giant laser that can be attached to the back of a space station. It is still under construction when it fires, damaging three of the four gas giant's it is aimed at.
> You launch a probe through the giant hole you created in the gas giants.
Your giant laser causes four new craters on the side of the gas giants, and your probe manages to slip through the hole you made. You attempt to contact it on your wrist computer, but there is no response. You wait a few minutes, then try again, with the same results.
The probe fires its laser cannon after the dead man's switch activates, igniting the gas giants and burning them until nothing remains but a sea of plasma, and your wrist computer dies.
You are forced to set the giant laser to automatic.
You begin searching for other technology that might be around; scanning the surface for structures.
> You locate a monolith and learn the words for "win condition"
You locate a monolith and learn the words for "win condition" from its inscribe.
> You ask the gods of all that is, "how do I win the game?"
You wait patiently for the sun to finish setting. Just as you are about to give up and return to your campfire you see a brightening of the sky, beyond the horizon.
A shooting star appears, and then another. Within minutes you are waking to the sight of countless falling stars.
> You declare victory. You win!
You exit the computer.
You check your wrist computer one last time:
"You have won. Congratulations! You beat the odds and survived in this world."
And then the universe collapsed into the big crunch and began anew. Teh Ednertron thanked you fot saving their civilization. You had a feeling they might have tried to rip off the game you just beat, so you decided not waste the opportunity.
Klorb Klorbenite Joplin Podlerette says "congratulations, Shinji!" You join him in the Jell-O
> You pee aloud.
Impressive. The Jell-O is like concrete, but you are just peeing your pants. You decide never to eat Jell-O again and get dressed.
Now what?
You decide to continue your journey, and head south along the road.
> You run straight off a cliff like wile e. Coyote.
It's not quite as easy as you thought. For every step forward, you take three steps back. Your advance is painfully slow, and every few hours you are forced to stop and sleep for multiple naps.
> You say "That doesn't make sense. I'm a universe conquering android. I am all seeing and all doing! "
"Well, I can't argue with you on that." Meliodas says.
Suddenly, your wrist computer beeps. You check it and see an incoming message from Elizabeth.
"Good news! Your finished!"
You knew it!
"Where's my prize?"
"Walla Walla Washington" "You're" "award" "is in a museum there."
You think to yourself, "I wonder what kind of museum?" You put the question out of your mind for now, and get back to the task at hand. You put your head down and walk.
> You walk to Walla Walla Washington.
It's a long walk, but you know you have the strength to get there. Every so often you have to rest, but you make it to the museum without breaking a sweat.
You find yourself in a small town center with small, boring looking buildings.
> You shout "yabba dabba doo! Gimme my prize or I'll take a dump in the middle of the street!"
No one is around, but suddenly a crowd of angry farmers and shop owners gather around you.
"What is the meaning of this?" One asks. "You are out of line!"
"Yeah! This man has no respect for our heritage!" Second says. "He should be whipped!"
> You say "I'm an intergalactic conqueror android. Do your worst! "
"You can't scare us with your big words." Aneri says. "We'll call the sheriff."
The mob of angry shop owners and farmers march off, leaving you alone in the street.
"I guess I haven't won yet."
You go to the museum and search for your prize. In absence of one, you claim the Holy Grail. The real one!
"I win!" You shout. "Give me my prize!"
The museum staff give it to you and you take a picture with it for your sister. She will be so proud of you.
You leave Walla Walla and continue your trek south.
> You cross the treacherous Death Ray Valley and try not to get incinerated by space lasers.
You make it through the Death-A-Raya with no major problems. You do see several tumbleweeds bouncing down the highway from the gusts of wind. One even bounces off your face and goes rolling down the highway only to get run over by a truck.
> You hitch hike to the next town.
A few miles down the road, you see another space laser blocking the road ahead. You look to your left and right. There is a space laser on each side of the road. You wait for a break in the wind, but there isn't one and the lasers are still firing.
> You hitch hike to the next town.
The space lasers cut your visibility in half, blinding you to the road. You half stumble, half fall into a ditch when you hit. You pull yourself out and find that the laser firing on the other side of the road has charred the grassy ditch you just huddled in.
> You pull a Marky Mark and run away from the space lasers.
You take off running, putting the laser blast behind you. You make it about halfway across before the lasers catch up. The next thing you know, you're in a crematorium and the space lasers are licking your skin like a flame thrower.
> You say "Damn, and I just got a new android body that doesn't scare small android children "
You are burned alive.
> You haunt the hopelessly drug addicted people of earth in their dreams and murder one every week or so for sport. Your tyranny is eternal!
You continue to haunt the hopeless drug addicts of earth, but one day you notice something unnatural. One of the drug addicts is murdering people in their dreams! Real people! You can't believe it, but for some odd reason you are unable to stop him.
> You engage the rival dream killer in a sweet battle.
You fight the rival killer, but he has been busy ridding himself of all competition and you find yourself face to face with dozens of your victims! He also realizes this and the pair of you engage in a brutal battle.
> You tag team with Talis Ra and combat the horde with shape-shifting axeblade knife hands.
You and Talis engage the dream killer, but instead of fighting him, Talis decides to focus on the people's negative dreams to mess with them. These boring bad dreams make up the majority of the dream cops, so they lose focus pretty quickly.
> You swing a scything blade made of your own feet and a guillotine destroyed in the fracas, and behead the pretender.
Once the enemies of mankind are defeated and their dreams eliminated, you are able to take the fight to the dream killer. You tag team him together with Talia, while you defend her from nightmares and mental attacks.
> You telephone the president and send the dream killer into the heart of the sun with high-speed magnetic Illuminati energy.
The dream killer is taken off guard by your tactic, and with a burst of speed you are able to fly past him and slam the door shut just moments before the sun is obliterated.
You have saved the planet from utter darkness and given humanity hope in a brighter tomorrow.
> You reignite the sun with your flaming body and rule over your drug addicted subjects forever more.
You reignite the sun, and with a brand new bright future ahead of you. Year after year, the human race enjoys the benefits of the star and works hard to maintain it. You think back to when you were a little girl and marvel at how far you've come.
> You say "I thought I was an android, but I was wrong. I was born in the year of our space lord 192qbb.salsa and my name is Little Debbie. My brain was uploaded to this android body on my deathbed and stripped of individual memory. But now I know the truth. And the truth of the universe... Is Jell-O "
THE END
