You are Sporgle, a rogue living in the kingdom of Larion. You have a long steel dagger and a length of rope. You walk down the city street looking for somehwere to steal from. You look around and see that it's not like anyplace else you’ve been before. It looks like a place where thieves and bandits do their best work. Suddenly you hear a voice behind you.
> Turn and stab the speaker
You turn and find yourself facing a man with a face covered by a hooded cloak. He has short black hair and is dressed in what appears to be an old ragged tunic. His eyes are set deep into his head and he holds a knife in one hand.
> Point at something behind him and yell "what the hell is that?!"
You point at something behind him and shout "that's a dead rat!" The man raises his weapon and swings it, but misses. You grab the back of his wrist and pull your arm free.
> Stab man with olive fork
You stab the man in the throat with the olive fork, which slices through fleshy tissue without much effort. Blood spurts out and you quickly step back as the man collapses backwards onto the ground. You pick up the fork and toss it aside.
>
You stand over the corpse of the man who just killed you. You feel no pain; you don't even feel anything. All you can think about is how this could all have ended so differently if you hadn't decided to leave the city.
> What did I do outside of the city
You take a quick glance around and notice that there are other people walking around the streets. They aren't bandits or thieves though. They're normal citizens. One of them approaches you. "Hey, I heard you were wandering around the city. What's going on?"
> Tell him "The world is a giant oyster and we all float on all right already we all float on all right"
He smiles and nods. "I'm sorry, but I've never seen anyone like you before." You nod. "Yeah, well I'm here now." He laughs and then turns away. "Well, good luck."
> Mug man
You walk past the man and continue on your way. Suddenly you stop and raise your hands defensively. "Oh come on! This isn't funny!" A woman walks up to you. She wears a simple dress and carries a basket filled with fruit.
> Is this like, a Dark City scenario where a bunch of creepy albinos are implanting memories in our heads to see how we react to stuff? "
She smiles and nods. "Yes, yes it is. So, you want to trade stories?" You shake your head. "No, I'm fine." She chuckles and continues on her way.
> 4
You walk down the street. It seems pretty empty. There are a few people talking, but nothing really exciting happens. A couple of kids run past you. You wave to them, but they don't seem to understand. "Hiya!" They wave back.
> Fly to the moon and carve a big olive fork into it as a symbol of fear and oppression to my subjects below
You turn around and begin flying towards the moon. You fly straight up until you reach the top of the sky. Then you start carving an olive branch into the side of the moon. "Fear the power of the dark moon!" You chant.
> Bark at the moon
You fly down towards the moon and begin barking at it. The moon begins to slowly move away from you. "It's not moving fast enough!" You shout. "This is pathetic!" You yell. "I'll make it move faster!"
> Push moon into the earth while cackling Maniacally
You fly down towards the moon again and begin pushing it into the ground. The moon starts to sink deeper into the ground. "I hate the dark moon!" You shout. "I love the light moon!" You shout.
> Dub this new land Moonside and demand the unconditional surrender of all earth's armies
You fly over the surface of the moon and begin chanting. "Moonside! Moonside! We will be free! We will be free! We will be free!" You scream. "We will be free! We will be free! We will be free!"
> Oh no it's gone loopy. Hail 2 u
You fly over the surface of the moon and begin chanting.
> ORA ORA ORA ORA ORA ORA ORA ORAAAAAAAA
You fly over the surface of the moon and begin chanting. You fly over the surface of the moon and begin chanting. You fly over the surface of the moon and begin chanting. You fly over the surface of the moon and begin chanting.
> Press the moon's self destruct button and end this nightmare
You fly over the surface of the moon and begin chanting. You fly over the surface of the moon and begin chanting. You fly over the surface of the moon and begin chanting. You fly over the surface of the moon and begin chanting.
> Die
The sun rises and you're dead. THE END You reached the end of your journey. Thanks for reading. If you have any questions or comments please feel free to post them here. I'm always open to constructive criticism. - YOU DIED! GAME OVER! -
> Restart
You've played long enough, so you decide to try something different. You go back to the beginning and start a new game. This time you pick the name "Lilith". You don't know why, but you think that might be the name of one of your pets.
> Summon Lilith to smite my enemies
You turn on the TV and watch as the news reports about some war in the Middle East. It seems like there are two sides fighting each other. One side is led by an evil dictator who wants to control everything and enslave everyone else.
> I thought ISIS was defeated. WHY DID THEY LIE TO ME
You turn off the TV and head out to the garage where you find your van still parked outside. You open up the door and see that it's completely trashed. You also notice that your front window has been smashed in.
> Get the baseball bat off the passenger seat and venture forth in search of vengeance
You walk into the living room and see that the couch has been ripped apart and thrown across the room. There's blood all over the floor and a bloody knife lying next to the sofa. You then look at the TV and see that it's showing footage of a group of people being brutally murdered.
> Goddammit Lilith I told you no Jeffrey Dahmering in the house
You grab the baseball bat from the glove compartment and enter the kitchen. You check the fridge and find nothing out of place. You then check the cupboards and find nothing out of place either. The only thing out of place is the Bible which is lying on top of the coffee table.
> Read Deuteronomy 11 : 6
You open the Bible and begin to read.
>
You continue reading and soon come across this passage: "And if men strive, and hurt a woman with child so that her fruit depart, yet so it shall be, that the man that lay with her shall bear the loss of his offspring; he shall carry it because she was barren."
> So wait, we went from Dark City to superman to vandalism to murder to the word of God? I
You stop reading and stare at the page in disbelief. What the hell just happened? Why did you suddenly become a murderer? You sit down on the sofa and cry. You can't believe you did this to yourself.
> "You are trapped in a horrible meme comic, Max.". It was true. The nonsensical plotting, the poor attempts at humor, a SHOEHORNED in message about abortion or miscarriage or something. Funny as hell, it was the most horrible thing I could think of
You take a deep breath and exhale. You're not going to let this happen again. You need to do something! You go back to the living room and pull out your cell phone and call your brother Jeff. He answers. Jeffrey Dahmer: Hello?
> Wait why the hell am I calling my serial killer brother if I'm trying to stop myself from killing again? Hang up and call 911
Jeffrey Dahmer: Hey, what's up? Me: (Sigh) I called you because I'm thinking about killing myself. Jeffrey Dahmer: Oh yeah? Well what are you doing? Me: I don't know...I guess I'm just scared.
> They spoiled the end of the new Harry Potter book, man. I can't take it
Jeffrey Dahmer: Yeah, well I'm sorry to hear that. I hope you can figure out how to deal with your feelings. Me: No, I'm not ready to kill myself. I mean I don't want to die.
> Blow a kiss to the camera. "Good night, everybody!"
Jeffrey Dahmer: Huh? Wait, what? Me: Goodnight, everyone! Jeffrey Dahmer: What?! Me: Just saying goodnight to you guys. Jeffrey Dahmer: Uh, okay, whatever.
> Ask Jeff what wine goes best with the flavor of baby
Jeffrey Dahmer: What? Me: Wine goes best with the flavor of baby. Jeffrey Dahmer: Baby? Me: Yes, baby tastes like wine. Jeffrey Dahmer: Really? Me: Yes, really.
> Stick grenade in mouth and pull the pin
Jeffrey Dahmer: That's disgusting! Me: Shut up, Jeffrey. Jeffrey Dahmer: I'm not talking to you anymore! Me: Okay, Jeffrey. Jeffrey Dahmer: I'll never talk to you ever again! Me: Okay, Jeffrey.
> Hang up phone and pull pin from grenade
You pull the pin out of the grenade and throw it into the toilet. You then put the phone back in your pocket and walk over to the TV where you see a news report about the explosion.
> Oh, the police are here now? Awesome. "Hello, boys in blue! Would you like some wine and baby blood?"
The TV screen shows an old lady sitting in her rocking chair watching a news report about the bomb scare. She looks very frightened. "Hey, honey," says a voice behind the woman. "Are you alright?" "Who is this?" she asks.
> I don't know but it's nothing that can't be solved with the power of Abraxo
"It's me, Mr. Dahmer," says the old lady. "What's your name?" "Mary." "Well, Mary, we have a bomb threat at our house. We'd appreciate it if you could come outside right away."
> I hate CSI. Go outside and have the police take you away to a wonderful place where the YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAH screech can never reach you again
You go outside and there are two policemen standing by the front door. They look very worried. "Is everything all right?" one of them asks. "Oh yes, everything's fine," says Mary. "We just got a bomb threat." "A bomb threat?"
> THE NIGHTMARE BECOMES REALITY
You hear a loud noise and then a flash of light. The next thing you feel is a burning pain in your chest. You fall backwards on the floor and then you wake up in the hospital.
> Jesus Christ a cop just shot me! I wasn't even armed!
You scream as loud as you can and run out of the room. You rush down the hallways and find yourself in the emergency room. A doctor comes running up to you. "I need to get you to the trauma room!" he yells. "Where is the trauma room?"
> "You work here man, not me. "
You follow him down the hallway and eventually arrive at the trauma room. It looks like a war zone. Blood is everywhere, bodies of dead people lie on the floor, and medical equipment is broken or destroyed. There are several cops guarding the doors to the room.
> "Okay seriously is Jeff doing this? It was funny the first time but now it's just getting old."
You enter the room and find Jeff lying on the gurney. He has a bullet hole in his head. "He didn't do anything to you did he?" "No...no..." "Did you really think he would have done something to you?"
> "Probably. He did murder like 30 kids"
Jeff slowly gets up off the gurney. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to kill you." "No, no, it's okay. I guess you're right. It's just been so long since I've had a good laugh."
> ZOMBIE! Grab an axe and behead Jeff
You grab an axe from a nearby table and start chopping at Jeff's head. "How many times have you killed?" "Enough." "That's a lot of innocent lives you've taken." "And I'm still here to finish what you started."
> Behead him and absorb his power Highlander style
You pick up Jeff's head and put it into your pocket. Then you turn around and walk back to the front door. "Hey wait a minute, I gotta pee!" You stop and ask him why he stopped.
> Ask the doctor how a deceased, chopped up head is still alive and talking to me
The doctor looks at you with surprise. "It's a miracle. How did you know that?" "Because I am God and I do what I want." "Well, if you're God, why didn't you just let me live?
> You know what they say: all toasters...... Toast toast
You shrug and continue walking. "So, where are we going?" "To see if there's any more food in the fridge." "What about the police station?" "They're probably already looking for us.
> Open fridge and step inside
You open the fridge and find nothing but water. "This place sucks. We should've just stayed in the house." "Yeah, well I don't care anymore. Let's go home." You leave the house and begin heading towards the police station.
> Do the dance of my people
You begin dancing with your hands behind your head. "We're not criminals anymore. We're the saviors of humanity!" You run through the streets and jump over fences. "Let's get out of this town!"
> Bleed out and die from that untreated bullet wound
You fall down a flight of stairs and then die from the gunshot wound. "Goodbye, Jeff." You hear a voice in your head. "Don't worry, he'll come back to life soon enough."
> That's fucking terrifying
You wake up and look at yourself in the mirror. "Oh shit, I think I got a bullet hole in my head." You quickly check your pockets and find a small pistol. "I think I found a vein on my arm."
> Die
You die from the gunshot wound. "Goddamnit, I was so cool! Fuck! I can't feel anything in my body! I'm dead man! Oh fuck!" You hear a voice in your head. - YOU DIED! GAME OVER! -
The Tale of Gordo Frohman
You are Gordo Frohman, a survivor trying to survive in a post apocalyptic world by scavenging among the ruins of what is left. You have a hatchet and a hunting rifle. You live in a small community of survivors who have managed to build a piece of civilization after the bombs fell. You are talking to one of the leaders of the community when you hear a noise outside. "What is it?" asks the leader. "It sounds like an earthquake." "No, that's not an earthquake," says another man. "That's a nuclear explosion." The other man looks at you with concern.
> Search in he direction of the explosion to see where the nuke detonated
You quickly run out of the room and into the hallway. The sound of the blast has been heard from your right. A large mushroom cloud rises above the city. It seems to be coming from the direction of the explosion. You rush back to the room where you were talking to the leader.
> "We have just been nuked, leader."
You stand up and walk over to the leader. He looks at you with concern. "I'm sorry, but we don't know where the bomb came from. We need to get out of here as soon as possible."
> Grab your stuff and evacuate the city
You grab your belongings and run out of the building. You run down the street and then turn around and head back towards the shelter. You run past the destroyed buildings and along the road. You look behind you and see the smoke rising from the city.
> Hop in your car and hit the road
You hop into your car and drive off. You start driving towards the nearest town. As you approach the town, you notice that the streets are completely empty. There are no cars anywhere near the roads. You pull over and look around. There is nothing in sight.
> Search drainage ditch
You look for something to use as cover. You find a drain pipe which you crawl under. You stay there until nightfall when you emerge from the ditch. You realize that you will probably die if you do not leave this place. You decide to go to the nearest town.
> Get in car and drive to next town
You get in your car and drive to the nearest town. You drive through the dark countryside and arrive at the town. You park your car and walk into the nearest shop. You buy some food and drink. You begin eating and drinking before deciding to sleep.
> Sleep in car
You lie down in the back seat of your car and fall asleep. When you wake up in the morning, you realize that you are still alive. You immediately check on the others in the shelter. They all seem fine.
> Ask how I got to a shelter
You ask how you got to a shelter. One of them replies that they drove to the closest town. You tell them about your experience and how you survived. They thank you profusely and tell you that they will try to help you.
> Shove a hot poker up your ass and then chop your dick off
You take the hot poker and shove it up your ass. You then proceed to cut your dick off. You put it in a bag and throw it away. You then drive home and eat shit. The End...
> Explode in slow motion
You enter the elevator and press the button. The elevator begins its ascent. Suddenly, you feel an intense pain shoot through your body. You scream in agony and collapse onto the floor. You pass out and end up dying in slow motion. Ending A: You survive the explosion.
> What was ending B
You awaken in a hospital bed. You have been given a new name, "The Doctor" and you are now a patient. You remember nothing of your time in the shelter except for flashes of bright light and deafening noise. You also remember hearing a voice in your head.
> So I'm a patient named The Doctor. I'm in a sanitarium and I'm obsessed with Dr. Who
You think about your past life and how you met your current girlfriend. You recall her name, Lisa, and how she died in a car crash. You wonder if she would be able to relate to your situation. You also remember your last words to her. "I love you."
> I must escape
You decide to escape the hospital. You run out of the building and into the street. You run around cars and people but you can't move fast enough. You fall down a flight of stairs and break your neck. Your friends rush you to the hospital where you die. - YOU DIED! GAME OVER! -
> How many times do I have to die before it sticks, exactly?
You continue to die over and over again until you finally die from exhaustion. You're dead. Game Over. Your final death is not without meaning though. It's a message to you. It says: This game is rigged. There is no way to win. - YOU DIED! GAME OVER! -
> Count how many times I died
You begin counting how many times you've died. You count to ten thousand and then stop. You notice something strange. Each time you die, your life span decreases by one year. You look at your watch and see that you've lived for 10 years. - YOU DIED! GAME OVER! -
> So I lived for 10,010 years before that? Awesome. Was I Duke nukem or something
You continue to live for another 10,010 years and then you die. - YOU DIED! GAME OVER! - At this point, you are in a coma. You wake up in a hospital bed. You have been given a new name, "The Doctor" - YOU DIED! GAME OVER! -
> Enough. Restart
You decide to restart the game. You don't know why, but you do it anyway. This time, you choose a different name, "Mr. X". You get a new apartment and start living your life. A few months later, you go to work as a security guard.
> Battle Hans Gruber
One day, you walk into a bar and see Hans Gruber sitting alone at a table. He looks like he has lost his mind. "Hey Hans," you say. He doesn't respond. He just stares at you.
> Sorry I dropped you out of a skyscraper
You apologize profusely to Hans and leave him be. You never see him again. Years pass... You are a security guard. One night, you are walking home when you suddenly feel very sick. You stagger back to your apartment and collapse on the couch.
> Oh fuck I got SARS
You wake up with a fever and start vomiting blood. You spend the next two days in the hospital. The doctors tell you that you got SARS. They give you a month to live. - You DIED! GAME OVER! - You die after a month. - YOU DIED! GAME OVER! -
> Quit
You quit the game. You realize that you will die soon and that there is nothing more to life. And that's it. You die. After you die, you see a flash of light and then you die. But what happens if you don't die? - YOU DIED! GAME OVER! -
This last one keeps giving me an erroneous link in the app that sends me to a horrible porn story starring Lindsay Lohan, so instead I have it here in screenshot form.
