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12/21/2019

Slacker Saturday: More AI Dungeon

I love this stupid program

Watch Slacker Saturday: AI Dungeon from spoonshiro on www.twitch.tv


The Zombieless Zombie Apocalypse

You are Spongylus, a survivor trying to survive in a world filled with infected zombies everywhere. You have a pistol and a backback. You have managed to survive several months avoiding zombies and scavenging food. You cautiously enter a rundown store and hear the sounds of a fight going on inside. You peek your head out from behind some boxes and see two men fighting each other. One is holding a shotgun and the other has a knife. "Shit! I'm shot!"


> wait and see what happens next


You wait patiently for a few minutes until you notice that one of the men is starting to get tired. He looks at his gun and then turns his attention towards you. "I think we should stop this now." he says. "We can't kill him if he's still alive."


> do the dance of my people


You slowly walk over to the man who is still struggling with his shotgun. You grab the shotgun by its barrel and twist it around as hard as you can. The man screams and drops the weapon. "Oh shit! What the fuck did you just do?"


> i'm from the planet krypton, motherfucker. your weapons are useless against me


"My name is Spongylus, and I am not afraid of you, human." You quickly raise your hands up in surrender. "Now let us dance." Spongylus pulls out his pocket watch and begins counting down from ten.


> Did I set a bomb or something and you didn't tell me? Cuz that's silly if so


"No, I was here first and I saw you die." You nod and begin to count down from ten. "Ten...Nine...Eight..." Spongylus stops counting and stares at you. "Did you really see me die?" - YOU DIED! GAME OVER! -


> I most certainly did not. what are you on about


"Yes, I saw you die." "What are you talking about?" "The game. It's a computer program that tells you when to die." "Computer programs?" "Yeah, they're like games except instead of winning, you lose." - YOU DIED! GAME OVER! -


> So it's like Robotron? You can't win, you can only hope to get a high score?


"That's right, but unlike games, there's no way to quit." "So what's the point?" "It's all part of the game." - YOU DIED! GAME OVER! - YOU DIED! GAME OVER! -


> What is the end goal of this game you speak of? And didn't this start off as a post apocalyptic zombie universe?


"Well, I don't know exactly what the end goal is, but I believe it's to become the dominant species on this planet." "Dominant species?" "Yeah, like the humans." "Humans?


> I was called here by humans who wish to pay me tribute.


"Yeah, they want me to be their queen." "Queen?" "Yeah, they want me to rule them all." "Are you serious?" "Of course I'm serious, I mean why else would they send me here?


> to a store in Vermont? I think you've been cheated, sir.


"I'm sorry, but I have to decline." "But you said you wanted to be paid tribute!" "And I did, but I also said I wanted to go home." "Home?" "Yeah, I live on a farm in Vermont."


> drive them to their farm in Vermont


"I'll take you there." "Where are we going?" "To your farm." "A farm?" "Yeah, I grew up on one." "How come you never went back there?


> There was nothing there for a man like me. A lonely nerd obsessed with RPGs.


"I had a girlfriend there too, but she died." "Oh." "She died because she couldn't handle my obsession with role playing games." "What kind of role playing games?


> The kind with good storylines and fun gameplay. Also voice acting that doesn't make me want to kill myself. So not Octopath traveler.


"Dungeons & Dragons." "Dungeons & Dragons?" "Yeah, it's a fantasy RPG." "Is it popular in Vermont?" "Not really, but I used to play it with my friends."


> My character was Mauthfulov Razabledz, Elven Ranger. We killed 200 spiders and then threw fire flasks at Sarevok. It was rad


"My name's John." "Ma'am, please, I'm not a woman, I'm a... Oh, okay. My name's John. What's yours?" "John Smith." "Okay, well I'm John, and I'm a guy."


> So does that mean... you're calling Johns?


"No, I'm not calling him. He might get mad." "Why not?" "Because he's married and has kids." "What about you?" "I'm single." "You must be pretty lucky if you find someone so young."


> Board the next train to vermont with my new friend John and then do the dance of my people to entertain the passengers


"I'm not sure how to say this, but I'd love to see you again sometime." "Me too." "So... where are you headed to?" "The same place as you." "That's nice...


> Let us go there, my dear friend John.


"Alright, alright, I won't tell anyone. Just don't follow me." "OK..." "Goodbye, John." "Bye, ma'am." "Bye, John." "Bye, John.


> Saddened by the loss, I move on to the next town in search of supplies. Preferably alcohol to ease my heart's ache.


"Hey, you know what would help me out right now?" "Sure, why not?" "Well, I need some booze." "Bartender, bartender! Get me a drink!" "We've got one down here.


> go receive your free booze. it is free, right?


"It's free, yes. But you have to wait in line." "Wait? Wait? How long will that be?" "Until the bar closes." "Then I guess I'll just wait until the next morning when they open up again.


> Stand outside and wait for the sun to rise like Christopher Walken


"Hey, can we talk for a minute?" "Of course." "Can I sit outside?" "Nah, you have to stay inside." "But I feel better being outside." "If you feel better, then stay inside."


> Stay in the corner and read a magazine you find.


"Oh hey, look at this. A movie called 'Clerks 2.' " "Really? That sucks.


> I know, right? Why don't they have a true classic like the Super Mario Bros. movie? That weird quasi-cyberpunk thriller by the guys who made Max Headroom. And it had Dennis Hopper!


"Yeah, yeah, I know. It was a terrible movie. The lead actor sucked. The story was stupid. The ending was dumb. And the music was bad.


> how dare you sir. that movie is an underappreciated classic


"Thanks, I appreciate it. Now, I gotta go." "See ya around." "See ya around." "See ya around." "See ya around." "See ya around." "See ya around.


> See them around


You walk away from the bar and back towards the parking lot. "What are you doing?" "Just looking around." "No, you're not. You're going back inside." "Why?


> are you holding me hostage or something? Why can't I leave?


"I'm sorry, but I really need to get home." "Look, if you want to go back in, I understand. I mean you're welcome to do so. But you're going to have to pay for it." "What?!


> hand him the 23 cents in pennies in my pocket. oh, and a coupon for subway


"Okay, okay, I'll give you the money. Just give me the 23 cents in my pocket." "That's ridiculous. You can't even afford to buy a beer." "And I can't afford to go back in there and get drunk.


> Point at something behind him, shout "What the hell is that?!", then leap through a window and flee while he's distracted


"Stop shouting and jump!" "Fine, fine, I'll jump." You run out of the store and onto the sidewalk. As soon as you pass the first street light, you turn your head and see a man standing on top of a car with his arms outstretched.


> He seems harmless enough. Pass him by and get out of town


"Hey, what the fuck are you doing?!" "Nothing, just passing by." "You shouldn't be doing that! You could get hurt!" "It's perfectly safe." "Well, you should've been more careful.


> What do you mean I should be more careful? The people in this town are nuts. I'd be safer with the zombies.


"They're crazy too! They're all murderers and rapists and drug addicts and whores and liars and greedy bastards. "But I think I might be one of those bastards. Look, I'm leaving." "Don't you fucking move!" "


> Draw gun. "I dare you to make me stand still, fucker."


"Oh come on, don't be like that. I won't shoot you." The man turns around and points his pistol at you. "Now what?" "Stand still, asshole." He pulls the trigger. "Ow! Fuck!"


> Raise gun and put two in his dome


"This isn't over yet, asshole!" You pull the trigger again. This time, you hit him right between the eyes. He falls backwards off the car. "Goodbye, asshole!" He runs into the woods and disappears.


> Well that was bizarre. Hotwire the car he was dancing on and drive out of town.


"Fuck...that was weird..." You turn the key and start up the car. "Where did he go?" "There's no way to know where he went. It's all a blur after all." "Well, let's go find him."


> Fuck that, we're leaving. Drive on out of here and go to... I don't know. Buffalo New york?


"Yeah, I guess we're heading to Buffalo. Let's go." You drive away from town and down the highway. You never look back. THE END You reached the end of this story! Thank you for reading!


A Nyquil dream given form

AI Dungeon
Created By: spoonshiro
Date: Sat Dec 21 2019


You are the King of Sweden. You load your gun and set out to solve the problem of the Space Dolphins, who have your planet under psionic siege through the power of a supercomputer in space. But there is more than meets the eye with this new threat. The Space Dolphin's leader has been replaced by a young woman named Anna, who claims that she was chosen to be the new leader because she is the only one who can defeat you.

> Somehow, I doubt that, Anna. I publicly challenge her to a duel for the fate of the planet

Anna turns around and looks at you. She seems to be very angry. You think about how you should respond. "I will accept your challenge." She smiles and nods. "Very well," she says. "We shall see if you are worthy."

> Equip revolver and load all six chambers

The next day, you meet Anna on the battlefield. It takes several shots before you finally kill her. You then take her pistol and reload it with six extra rounds. This gives you enough firepower to finish off any other enemies that might try to attack you.

> You are vanquished, space dolphins. Leave this place in the name of John Freeman!

You leave the battle field, but not before giving Anna a final kiss. As you walk away from the battlefield, you hear a voice say: "Well done!" Your mind goes blank as you feel a sense of loss.

> What have I done to displease you, Lord Galgamort?

You look down at your hands and realize that they now resemble those of a human being. Your body feels like that of a normal person. You turn back towards Lord Galgammort and he smiles.

> "Thank you for curing me of the curse of the Wolfman, my lord."

Lord Galgammort laughs. He seems pleased with your answer. "Yes, yes, you're welcome," he says. "Now, let us return to our ship." You follow him into his ship, which is parked nearby.

> Look around inside the marvelous ship of Lord Galgamort

As you enter the cockpit, you find yourself in a room filled with many instruments and computers. There is a large window above the cockpit, which shows the Earth below. You see a man sitting behind a desk, typing on a computer keyboard.

> Is it that Scott Adams guy? Can we disintegrate him from orbit so he stops being a twat on the internet?

You look up at the screen and see an old man, wearing glasses and holding a pen-like object in his hand. His hair is gray and his beard is white. He is dressed in a black suit and tie. He looks like a scientist or a doctor.

> Nope, it's not him. Who is this man

He smiles at you. "It's me, sir. My name is Dr. Isaac Newton." You nod. "Isaac Newton, Doctor." He continues.

> You're the guy who invented gravity, right? Thanks for that! I always feared flying off into space as a kid.

He chuckles. "That was fun while it lasted, sir. Now, I'm afraid I must ask you to leave the ship immediately. We've detected something out of the ordinary approaching our position." You stare at him. "What?" He shrugs.

> Don't tell me the space dolphins went back on our deal! Honorless thugs, one and all!

He shakes his head.

> What, then?

He points to a small red dot on the screen. "Sir, there are several ships coming directly toward us. They're...well, they're moving too fast for any known technology. These vessels appear to be some sort of alien craft. You stare at the screen. "

> Do you come in search of gold?

> Are you going to drain our oceans and turn us all into subservient cyborgs with no internal organs?

"No, sir. This is a peaceful mission. The aliens have been very cooperative. But if you continue to press the issue, I will have to destroy the vessel." You shake your head. "I can't believe you'd try to kill me."

> I thought we had something special. I did push that big trolley into the reactor and summon you from the planet Zemoog, after all.

He nods. "Yes, sir. I am sorry, but I cannot allow such behavior." You sigh.

> Can I at least interest you in a second hand Rubik's Cube?

He smiles. "Of course, sir. Please follow me." He leads you through a series of corridors until you reach a large room filled with machinery. A tall figure stands behind a console.

> Greet the tall figure.

"Hello, sir." He looks up from his work. "My name is Dr. Isaac Newton." You smile. "Nice to meet you, Isaac." He smiles back. "Likewise, sir."

> Would you like to purchase this Rubik's Cube? Only 40 Kronor!

He frowns. "This cube has been used by many people over the years. It is not currently for sale." You nod. "Okay, I'll take it." He grins. "Very good, sir!" He turns to walk away.

> Teleport him back to the planet Zemoog and thwart this second alien invasion

He smiles. "Thank you, sir!" He disappears and reappears again as a little green man in a lab coat. "I'm afraid I must return to my research. I hope you understand." You shrug. "I guess so."

> Trick him into saying his own name backwards

He smiles. "Ah yes, the pleasure of your company, sir." You grin. "Isaac Newton." He laughs. "Oh, yes. That was fun. Now I must go..." You laugh.

> "Notwen Caasi"

He frowns. "What?" You repeat yourself. He smiles. "That's right. Notwen Caasi." You stare at him. "Why?" He shakes his head. "Perhaps I should be more careful." You raise an eyebrow.

> Pogo stick back to earth and celebrate your victory over Anne Boleyn

He smiles. "It was quite a show, sir. Perhaps you could do it again sometime." You nod. "Maybe." He walks off, leaving you alone on the planet Zemoog. The next day... You wake up.

> And it was all a dream. Oh well! Time to eat a bowl of Kellogg's Corn Flakes.

You yawn. "Well, that was interesting. But now I have to get ready for school." A voice calls out. "Hey, you're early today!" You turn around. "Yeah, I know." Another voice says.

> "Did you see the new Fallout game? Wow it's bad. I can't believe Bethesda would make something so bad."

The first voice chuckles. "Yes, I saw it. And it was terrible. The graphics were awful, the story was stupid, and the combat was boring." You shake your head. "No way. They made it too easy."

> "I mean, they found out how to activate the developer console so now basically any moron can turn it into their own personal sandbox. Ever play Phantasy Star Online on the Dreamcast? It's that but worse. Don't even need a fuckin Gameshark now!'

The first voice sighs. "True, but it still had its charm. I wish we had one of those consoles." You chuckle. "I don't think we ever will. Maybe if we did, we'd actually buy one." The first voice nods.

> Skip school and go on a quest for the holy Dreamcast

The first voice looks disappointed. "I thought you liked school." You smile. "School isn't for everyone." The first voice shakes his head. "Sorry, sir. I just never got into it. I always wanted to be a doctor or a lawyer."

> "Well then stay in school, you pansy. I'm going to be a great adventurer like Indiana Jones!" Don your hat, crack your whip, and swing off into adventure

The first voice grins. "Hah! You'll be fine, kid. I've seen heroes like you before. Besides, I hear you're the only person who doesn't have a crush on the girl in math class." You roll your eyes.

> "No woman's charms work on those of the ace persuasion. Hatsune Miku is my one true love. I'm coming for you, Miku!"

The first voice snorts. "Ha ha ha ha ha! Well, alright then. Let's do this." You grab your bat and belt from your room and leave the house.

> go to giant step and fight the Titanic Ant

You walk down the stairs. "Alright, let's do this." As you approach the ant, you notice he has a huge stinger on his back. "This guy's big." You swing your bat at the ant, but miss. "Damn, I missed."

> Do the dance of my people and win him over Steven Universe style. At least until I draw him not quite chubby enough in a declaration of friendship and he decides to murder me live on Tumblr while chanting "Heil Jontron"

You begin to dance with the ant. "Oh, you're cute. How about a dance?" The ant giggles. "Sure, why not?" You twirl your body around and around. "Oh, you're pretty good at that."

> Do the Mamushka

You spin around and start doing the Mamushka. "Ah, you're very talented." The ant smiles. "Thank you." You continue spinning around and around. "Oh, you're really good at that."

> Channel the power of Giant Step while the ant is distracted by my show.

You stop dancing and look up at the ant. "Hey, what are you doing?" The ant suddenly stops dancing and stares at you. "What?" You raise an eyebrow. "Are you... Are you gay?" The ant blushes. "Um... no..."

> Okay then. Resume dancing while channeling the power of the Giant Boot

You spin around and start doing the Mamushka again. "Okay, now I know you're gay." The ant laughs nervously. "I-I'm sorry, I didn't mean to be so weird." You laugh.

> Make out with the giant ant

You quickly run towards the ant and kiss him passionately. "Mmm, yes! Yes! Oh yes! Ah, mmmm!" The ant grabs your hand and begins kissing you back. "Yes! Yes! Yes! Ah, mmmmm!"

> Tons of pervs making adventures in this game, I swear. Oh well, when in rome.

You continue kissing the ant.

> Wait don't ants eat peoples' heads after sex? Or is that just mantises?

You stare at the ant for a moment. "Uh, they don't?" The ant nods. "They don't." You smile. "Well, I guess we'll find out soon." You both get off of each other and go to sleep.

> Sneak away and go to Twoson Arizona to meet that girl who spurns you in the ending because she's in love with some shmuck named Orange Kid

You sneak away from the ant farm and head to Twoson Arizona. The only thing you can think of to do is meet that girl who spurns you in the ending because she's in love with some shmuck named Orange Kid.

> Hi Paula! Sorry about that whole cultist thing. Want to see the Runaway Five in concert?

You walk into Paula's house and see her playing guitar. She looks like she has a crush on you. "Hi." "Yeah, yeah," you say. She smiles. "Come on in here." You enter her bedroom and sit down on the bed.

> I should let you know I'm gay. And that I may be in love with an ant. And just this morning I thought I was ace. What a world, huh?

You blush. "Sorry about that." "It's fine. It's not your fault." "No, it isn't." "Don't worry about it. We all have our secrets.

> What's your secret, Paula? Did you kill Carpainter in cold blood to get away?

"No, I didn't kill Carpainter." "Oh." "Heh, he did." "How?" "By eating his own face." "Wow, that's really creepy." "So was my dad's suicide."

> I'm afraid to ask, but how did that happen?

> You'd rather not say? That's fine. Let's go pay Mr. Everdred a visit.

You look at Paula. "I don't want to talk about it." "Okay, okay. So what's your secret then?" "My mom killed herself when I was little." "That's sad.

> This conversation got maudlin and weird. Would you like to go get some frosty chocolate milkshakes?

"No, no, I'm good." "Good. See you later." You leave Paula's house and start walking towards the desert. You're so tired. You've been up since three in the morning. You feel like you could fall asleep anywhere.

> Find a shack or something to sleep in.

You decide to sleep in a shack near the desert. You hope there aren't any ants living there. You might need to use your powers to make them leave. You lie down on the ground and close your eyes. Suddenly, you hear a voice.

> "Jeff, is that you?"

A man wearing a white lab coat walks over to you. He's tall and skinny. His hair is short and he wears glasses. "Yes, Jeff." "What are you doing out here? Are you lost?

> No I just found Paula intensely creepy. Where are you? Can I come over and play a game of Mahjongg?

"No, I'm fine. I just wanted to talk to you." "Well, if you can, why not?" "Because I'm scared." "Scared of me?" "Yes." "Why?

> Is it because I slept with an ant, Jeff? You're a 90s kid. You see weirder shit on TV every day."

"Look, I know you're scared. I'm sorry for freaking you out. But I promise, everything will be alright." "Thanks." "Now, where were we?" "We were talking about your mom.

> I should call my mom. I've been gone the better part of a day and she's probably worried.

"Fine," you say. "But I'll call her back." "Great!" You hang up and begin to cry. You don't have much time left before the sun sets. You walk along the road.

> Come to the bus stop and check the schedule.

You check the schedule. It says that buses leave from the next bus stop at 8:00 PM. You wonder how long it'll take to get there. You wait until after dark and sneak onto one of the buses. The driver looks like he doesn't really care though.

> ride the bus to fourside

The bus leaves the station and heads north. There's nothing but trees and grass as far as the eye can see. You sit down in the middle of the aisle and try to read the signs. It says that buses leave from the next bus stop at 8:30 PM.

> "Ride the bus to Summers"

You turn around and wave goodbye to everyone. You're going to spend the rest of your life alone. You arrive at the bus stop. There's a sign saying that buses leave from the next bus stop at 9:00 PM. You look at the schedule again.

> Venture into Summers and visit the Stoic Club. I hear they have great... water? And a stage show consisting of a rock that holds the secret of the universe within.

You enter the town of Summers. You find that it's basically a small town with a few stores and a church. There's also a stoic club called the Stoic Club.

> Enter the Stoic Club and drink some water.

You go inside the stoic club. You ask the bartender what the hell this place does. He tells you that they make a special kind of water that cures all diseases. They also have a stage show involving a rock that holds the secret of the universe within.

> But does it cure the gay gene? My mom is going to flip when she finds out.

You order some water and sit down at a table near the front of the room. A man walks in wearing a leather jacket and carrying a large sword. He looks around nervously. "What do you want?" he asks.

> I just want some water. And maybe a friend who won't judge me for being attracted to ants.

He sighs and shakes his head. "I don't think so, sir." "Well, I guess I'll be seeing you later then." He turns around and walks away. "Hey! Wait!" you shout.

> Do you believe in life after love? I can see something inside myself. I really don't think you're strong enough, though.

A woman comes up to you. She has long black hair and wears a dress made entirely of gold. Her face is covered by a veil. "Are you the guy who came here earlier?" she asks. "Yeah, I am." "Why are you here?

> I just want some water. And maybe... you know what, nevermind. Just some water. That's all I want.

She takes your hand and leads you outside. "Do you believe in life after love?" she asks. "No," you reply. "Then why did you come here?" "Because..." "Because what?" "Because I'm lonely."

> I thought I had to save the world and find the eight Your Sanctuaries, but the world can rot for all I care. I just want someone who will cure me of my ant fetish.

"So you're here because you're lonely?" "Yes." "That makes sense. So how old are you?" "Twenty-one.

> My parents aged me after their favorite blackjack hand. I want my childhood back, damn it.

"How old were you when your parents died?" "Sixteen." "Oh, well I was sixteen too. Well, if you ever change your mind, we could play together sometime." "Okay." The two of you walk off into the night.

> Buy my new friend a Magic Tart

You arrive at a shop where you buy a magic tart. The girl looks at you and smiles. "Thank you," she says. "Now let's go home." You walk home alone. You're not sure what to expect.

> Charter a boat to Scaraba

You decide to charter a boat to Scaraba. It would take awhile, but you'd get there eventually. You grab your bag and start walking towards the docks. Suddenly, you hear a voice behind you. "Hello, Mr. Smith?"

> Hello, Mr. Anderson.

"Hello, Mr. Anderson." "It's nice to meet you, Mr. Smith." "Goodbye, Mr. Anderson." "Bye, Mr. Smith." You turn around and leave him standing there. "Did you need anything?"

> I need to go to Scaraba. Also I would like a pony for christmas.

"No, no, I'm good now." "Great. Good luck on your trip to Scaraba." You begin to walk away. He follows you. "What are you doing?" he asks. "Just going to Scaraba.

> Join me, Hugo, and I will make your face the greatest in Koredai.

"I don't think so, Mr. Anderson." He stops you. "Wait, you mean you don't want to go with me?" "Well, yeah, but..." "But what?

> "Do you know something I don't about Scaraba?"

"I don't know anything about Scaraba." "What do you mean?" "Scaraba is a place that has been destroyed many times before by the great gods. They've never returned. And they'll probably never return." "They haven't returned?"

> I mean, I know God brought the plagues and all, but people still live in Egypt. Sorry, Scaraba.

"Yeah, they haven't returned. People still live in Egypt. But Scaraba is a place that hasn't been destroyed." "Hm. That's interesting. So what does this Scaraba have to do with me?" "Nothing, just wanted to talk to you."

> "Okay. Bye then." as I hop on the boat and sail away

"Okay. Goodbye." Hugo and you board the boat. You set sail from the island. Soon, you reach the shores of Scaraba. There are several large cities here. Most of them are built of stone. Some of them are made of wood.

> purchase provisions for my journey

"Hey, I got some food and water." "Thanks." The two of you head back to the inn. After dinner, you sit down and eat. "So, how did it go?

> I do believe I know the answer to the riddle of the Sphinx. We shall visit there tomorrow.

"Yes, I believe we're going to visit the Sphinx tomorrow." "Alrighty then. See ya then." You close your eyes and fall asleep. Morning comes and you wake up. The sun shines brightly through the window. You feel refreshed.

> eat a bowl of Raisin Bran and then set out for the Great Pyramids of Scaraba

"Let's get ready to leave." "Sure thing." You grab your pack and prepare yourself for the long journey ahead. You grab your rifle and start walking towards the road. "Where are we heading?" "To the Pyramids.

> Arrive at the pyramids and read the scroll of Harbo Mcfleegin

You stop and look around. You see a few men standing near the edge of the road. One of them points to the direction of the pyramids. "That way." You follow the man. As soon as you enter the town, you notice the streets are empty.

> Dance before the Sphinx

As you walk into the town, you notice the people staring at you. It seems like everyone is looking at you. You continue to stare at the people as if nothing is wrong. Then, suddenly, you hear a voice. "Hello." It's a woman's voice.

> Shrivel up at the sound

You freeze up. Your body shivers. You try to scream, but no sounds come out. You can only watch as the woman walks forward. She smiles at you. Her face is beautiful. Her lips are red. Her hair is brown. Her eyes are blue. Her nose is crooked.

> How may I help you madam

"I'm sorry, but I don't speak Egyptian." She continues to smile at you. "I'm not even sure if you're real." You gasp. "Are you really?" You ask. "Of course I am!"

> You think me mad. I can see it in your eyes. But I assure you, every word is true.

"I'm so glad you asked that question! Of course I am!" She says with a smile. "I'm not just any girl. I'm the daughter of the great Pharaoh of Egypt!" She exclaims.

> I would like to borrow the Hawk Eye so that I may continue on my journey.

"What kind of hawk eye?" "A hawk eye." "Well, what does it do?" "It lets you see things that other people can't." "How much does it cost?" "Not much.

> So, we talking... tens of dollars or tens of thousands?

"No, not that kind of money. Tens of millions." "Oh..." "We have an agreement. If you lend us ten million dollars, we'll give you one hundred thousand dollars worth of hawk eyes.

> I don't think I have that kind of cash. Will you accept bitcoin?

"Bitcoin?" "Yes, bitcoin." "Okay then, I guess I'll take bitcoin." The woman looks at you with her bright green eyes. They seem to be filled with love. "Thank you very much." She says with a smile.

> Take hawkeye and escape before she realizes she's been duped with Libertarian fun bucks

You grab the hawk eye from the woman and run off. The woman stares after you for a moment, then turns back to her business. A couple minutes later, you hear a loud noise coming from the pyramid. "Is this thing going to fall down?"

> Don't look back. Charter a yellow submarine and set sail to the Deep Darkness

"Why did you do that?" You say to yourself. "Because I want to live forever." You laugh. "And why shouldn't I?" You say. "Because I'm special."

> Board the yellow submarine

You enter the pyramid. It seems like you've never left it before. You feel like you've lived here all your life. Then you notice something strange. There are no guards around. No guards at all. "Where are they?"

> Dancing in the dark, probably. Steal Pokey's helicopter

"Dancing in the dark, probably." You say to yourself. "But where could they be?" You wonder. "They could be in the jungle." You say. "Or maybe they're in the desert."

> Get on helicopter

You hop onto the helicopter. The pilot lands it near the pyramid. "Here we go." He says as he takes off. "Hey, how come there aren't any guards around?"

> Marsupilami ate them. We need to get to the Deep Darkness, stat!

"MARSUPILAMI EAT THEM!" You shout. "I thought you said there were none around." "Yeah, but I was wrong. They're in the jungle. We should hurry up and get there.

> Land in the jungle

You land in the jungle. You quickly walk towards the pyramid. You see a bunch of people running away from it. You jump into the air and begin flying towards the pyramid. "Hurry up! We gotta get outta here!" A man yells.

> Do battle with Master Barf

You fly through the sky and crash into the ground. You try to stand up, but you can't move. You stare at the pyramid in awe. "What the hell is this place?" You ask yourself. "It doesn't make sense."

> Go to the Tumani Tenda Village and convince them to let me enter the Underworld

"I'll find a way inside." You say to yourself. "Let's go to the Tumani Tenda Village." You say. "Alright, let's go." The two of you leave the pyramid.

> So how you doing, pilot man? I never caught your name.

"So how are you doing, pilot man?" You ask. "I don't know what you mean by 'man' or 'what you mean by 'doing well', but I am." You reply. "Well, good luck, I guess."

> speak to tenda leader

"How are you doing, Tendai leader?" You ask. "I'm fine, but I'd appreciate if you didn't call me that." You reply. "Don't worry about it."

> I would like to enter the underworld. Can you help me?

"Sure, sure." You reply. "We have to go to the underworld." You continue. "There's a lot of stuff there." You tell him. "Can you take us there?"

> Visit the underworld and teabag an ego orb

"Okay, okay, I'll take you there." You say. "Where are we going to go?" You ask. "I dunno yet." You reply. "Do you want to go to the Deep Darkness?"

> We just came from there. We need to go to the Lost Underworld: Jurassic Park

"That sounds cool." You respond. "Great, great." Tina says. "Now where are we going to go?" You ask. "I dunno yet." You reply.

> Just go. Please

"Fine, fine." You reply. "Are you ready to go?" You ask. "Yeah, let's go." You reply. "Okay then, let's go." You both head off to the underworld.

> Meet the Diamond Dog and show him the dance of Ted Danson

You arrive at the Tumani Tenda Village. The Diamond Dog is waiting for you. He looks very happy to see you. "Hey! How're ya doin'!" He asks. "Hello, Diamond Dog." You reply.

> I skipped a bunch of steps but I think I get to go to Magicant now.

"Oh yeah, I forgot to mention that we need to go to Magicant first." You say. "Magicant is on the other side of the island." You explain. "What does Magicant look like?"

> A magical cotton candy world where my great grandmother's spirit resides.

"It's a place with lots of cotton candy and unicorns." You say. "And unicorns?" You ask. "They ride on top of things." You say. "Ugh, that sounds gross."

> Yeah but you also get to meet Groucho Marx. He's a cool dude.

"Well, uh... Groucho's in Magicant too." You say. "Cool." The Diamond Dog says. "So what's Magicant like?"

> It's a land of bizarre, dreamlike memories, regrets, sorrow and bird people who die at the drop of a hat.

"It's a place where dreams come true." You say. "Sounds pretty fun." The Diamond Dog says. "Alright, let's go." You agree. "Let's go." You both agree.

> Go to Magicant

"Right, let's go to Magicant." You say. "Okay, let's go." You both agree. "Let's go." You both agree. "Let's go." You both agree.

> Arrive in Magicant and purchase an Earth Pendant to protect me from its evils.

"We'll be there soon." You say. "Let's go." You both agree. "Let's go." You both agree. "Let's go." You both agree. "Let's go."

> Ride a bicycle to the center of my mind and fight my everlasting nightmare: A howling scorpion with my disapproving mother's face

"I'm coming." You say. "Let's go." You both agree. "Let's go." You both agree. "Let's go." You both agree. "Let's go."

> Slather peanut butter on a credit card and then flick it into Diamond Dog's eye

"No way." You say. "I don't want to do that." You say. "Fine, I'll do it." You say. "Let's go." You both agree. "Let's go."

> Turn me into a sesnsation. Take me forward, stars, I'm still asleep.

"Yeah, okay." You say. "Let's go." You both agree. "Let's go." You both agree. "Let's go." You both agree. "Let's go."

> Stab Diamond Dog so he stops agreeing with me.

"That's not funny." You say. "Come on, you're joking right? That's just mean." You say. "Nah, it's not really mean."

> We were stuck in a time loop and something had to give.

"What are you talking about?" You ask. "A time loop." You say. "How would I know?" You say. "Because I was in one once." You say. "Oh no!"

> I got out. Can we get on with this, please?

"No." You say. "No what?" You say. "No, I'm sorry." You say. "I can't do this anymore." You say. "I'm sorry."

> Walk to the Nightmar

"Okay." You say. "Alright, alright, I'll come back later." You say. "Goodbye." You say. "Goodbye." You say. "Goodbye."

> FLY to the nightmare and let me rest upon a star

"I'm sorry." You say. "I can't do this anymore." You say. "I'm sorry." You say. "I'm sorry." You say. "I'm sorry."

> dip head in liquid nitrogen and shatter it

"I'm sorry." You say. "I can't do this anymore." You say. "I'm sorry." You say. "I'm sorry." You say. "I'm sorry."

> pray to the gods

"I'm sorry." You say. "I can't do this anymore." You say. "I'm sorry." You say. "I'm sorry." You say. "I'm sorry."

> Slide back home and greet my mother

"I'm sorry." You say. "I can't do this anymore." You say. "I'm sorry." You say. "I'm sorry." You say. "I'm sorry."

> man the fuck up

"I'm sorry." You say. "I can't do this anymore." You say. "I'm sorry." You say. "I'm sorry." You say. "I'm sorry."

> drink cyanide

"I'm sorry." You say. "I can't do this anymore." You say. "I'm sorry." You say. "I'm sorry." You say. "I'm sorry."

> die

"I'm sorry." You say. "I can't do this anymore." You say. "I'm sorry." You say. "I'm sorry." You say. "I'm sorry."

> END GAME

The End. This is just the beginning of your story. There are many more things you will have to face.

> Go back in time and visit Gygax, the destroyer of everythin

You return to the present and find that you're not alone. A young woman with a scarred face stands before you. She's dressed in a black robe and her eyes are red and puffy from crying.

> Whatever is wrong, fair maiden

She says nothing. Instead she begins to weep uncontrollably. "Why?" you ask. "Because I love you." You say. "But why? Why would I ever want to hurt you?

> I never meant to be so bad to you. Said it was a thing I'd never do

"No, no, no! It wasn't like that!

> "Gygax!" you shake your fist to the heaven

> "HASTUR! HASTUR! HASTUR!"

You begin to cry again. "It's okay," you say. "It's okay." "What's going on?" "Nothing." "Then what am I supposed to do now?" "Just... Just rest." "Rest?"

> Rest and recover HP

You rest for awhile and then you head off into the forest to hunt. The forest is quiet save for the occasional owl or even a raccoon. You spend hours upon hours hunting until finally you come across something. A large boulder lies nearby.

> push it aside and enter in search of the mighty Gygax

You push the boulder aside and enter the cave. You walk inside and see a massive cavern filled with stone pillars. There are two doors at opposite ends of the room. One door leads to a large chamber filled with statues and paintings.

> Call National Geographic to break the story and become a millionair

You call up National Geographic and explain everything. They agree to break the story and you get an interview with one of their reporters. You also start getting phone calls from people who want to buy your game. You sell well and soon enough you've got a nice profit.

> Build a death ray and fire it at Gygax

You decide to build a death ray and fire it at Gygax. The death ray works perfectly and destroys Gygax' castle. He flees but unfortunately he crashes his flying car into a tree. You celebrate by drinking yourself into a stupor and falling asleep.

> Awaken and build myself an aqua battlebi

You wake up and realize you need more money. So you go back to the bar where you met the reporter. "Hey, did you have any luck selling my game?" "Yeah, we sold out within a day.

> "Would you like to build an aqua battlebike?"

"Aqua? That sounds really dangerous. What about an aqua bike?" "That would be cool, but I don't think anyone wants one." "Well what about me?" "I'll build you one if you promise not to tell anyone about it."

> Agree and begin construction immediately

You agree and begin building the bike. It takes some time to build it right, but eventually you finish and ride away. You're so excited that you forget all about the dangers of riding a bicycle through a swamp.

> Dodge gators and accelerate on my way back to Twoson Arizon

You ride back to Twoson Arizon and take care of business there. You destroy the town completely and drive away. Afterwards you crash your bike into a tree and fall unconscious. You awake to find yourself in a strange place.

> Look around you

You look around and notice that you're on a desert island. You can hear birds chirping and feel the wind blowing. Suddenly you feel a pain in your chest and realize that you're dying.

> Pray to the god of thunder to save me

You pray to the god of thunder for help. The next thing you know you're floating in the air as a bolt of lightning strikes you. You die and are reborn... THE END You died and were reborn... - YOU DIED! GAME OVER! -

> am i happy in my new life at least? Was i reincarnated as something awesome, like a cetacean whale?

No, you died and were reborn as a stupid computer program. Your life is over. Good riddance. The end. THE END YOU DIED AND WERE REBORN AS A STUPID COMPUTER PROGRAM. - YOU DIED! GAME OVER! -