You are Kevin Costner, a courier trying to survive in a post apocalyptic world by scavenging among the ruins of what is left. You have a parcel of letters and a small pistol. It's a long and dangerous road from Boston to Charleston, but you're one of the only people who knows the roads well enough to get your parcel of letters there. You set out in the morning and hope that you can make it before nightfall.
> Get on the road and watch out for Hideo Kojima's Brain Tumor levels of pretension
You don't know where you're going, or how far away the next town is. You just need to keep moving. The more time passes, the less likely you'll be able to find any food or water supplies along the way.
> I thought I was supposed to know these roads really well. Oh well, look at letters and see where a few are addressed.
You read through the first letter and then start looking for a place to sleep. There isn't much to do except eat some meat jerky, drink some water and wait until nightfall.
> Walk a few miles toward Charleston first you lazy bumpkin
You walk a couple of miles and then stop to rest. You have no idea if you should stay here or continue on towards Charleston. If you go back now, you might not even get to sleep at all tonight. The sun has already started setting when you hear a noise behind you.
> Cautiously approach the sound
You turn around slowly and see a man standing over you with his rifle raised. He looks like he could easily kill you right now, but instead he says "I'm sorry about this.
> Point behind him and say "Look out it's a baby in a jar"
He points behind you and says "Look out it's a baby in a jar." You nod and point to the ground. He nods back and continues walking.
> Say "Goodbye strange man." And bolt out of there before he renegotiates on shooting you
You turn around quickly and say "Goodbye strange man." He smiles and walks past you without saying anything else. You run as fast as you can down the road, but you aren't fast enough to avoid being hit by another car.
> See who still owns a working car in this burnt-out world
You stumble into an abandoned house and fall onto the floor. A woman comes running up to you. She has her hands full of clothes and a bag of groceries, so she doesn't notice you lying on the floor. She runs outside and sees you covered in blood, but alive.
> "Good news, madam. You won the publisher's clearing house."
You stand up and say "Good news, madam. You won the publisher's clearing house." She smiles and thanks you profusely for saving her life. After thanking her, you thank her again for helping save your own life.
> View myself and see if I'm in good enough shape to continue my journeys
You begin to feel sick and dizzy from the drugs. You lie down on the couch and close your eyes hoping that you'll pass out soon.
> Oh god oh fuck this is turning into Misery. She's Cathy Bates and she's going to break my legs with a sledgehammer
You open your eyes and look around. The room is dark, but you can make out a figure sitting on the other side of the couch. It's a woman dressed in black lingerie with long hair tied up in braids.
> "Um... hello. Wasn't expecting to see you here."
You say "Um... hello. Wasn't expecting to see you here." She smiles and sits next to you. Her breasts are large and perky, but they're also very pale and pinkish-red. They're definitely not the same color as yours.
> "So, what brings you here, madam?"
You ask "So, what brings you here, madam?" She replies "Well, I came here to pick up some books for my daughter's school project. But then I found out you were coming here today and decided to come along too."
> "Do I know you from somewhere?"
You reply "I don't think so, but yes I do know you. Your face looks familiar though, I've seen it on TV a few times. What kind of show was it? Family Ties or something like that?
> "Steve Urkel, is that you?"
You say "Yes, that's me. And how did you find out about me? Did someone tell you?
> "He said his name was Uwe Boll and we're in a bad script of his."
You say "Yes, that's right. He told me everything." She laughs and says "That must have been really weird. How could anyone know anything about me? Do you mind telling me who you are exactly?
> "I'm Kevin Costner and apparently I got breast implants at some point, judging from our previous dialog."
You say "Oh, I didn't get them at all! My mother had them done when I was six years old!" "What?!?" she exclaims. "Yeah, but I still remember it vividly because it happened during one of those family trips to Disney World."
> A Tuba Toothpaste
You say "My mother was a little surprised by that revelation, but she accepted it. Anyway, I went back home and cried for three days before I finally felt ready to talk to you again." "Okay, well why are you here?
> "I'm supposed to be delivering the mail but I got run over by a car. A car! A working one."
You say "Yes, I am. I'm sorry for getting you into this mess, but I need to go now." "Wait, hold on! Why are you apologizing? Didn't you just save my life?!
> Watch her board the Wonkavator and blast off to infinity
You say "No, I didn't. It was an accident. The Wonkavator isn't meant to take people anywhere." "But you can fly it! Can't you!?
> "If I could, I'd have completed my mission already. But what the hell, let's give it another try." Enter the Wonkavator and press the big green button labeled "GO"
You say "The Wonkavator doesn't work! I tried pressing the button, nothing happens. I even checked your computer and there's no way to fly it. Maybe if you had a working modem or something...
> Search nearby Goodwill for an old 4800 baud acoustic modem and a rotary telephone
You say "I found an old rotary telephone, but it wasn't working either. I also found a Motorola 4400 baud acoustic modem, but it was broken too. So I guess you'll have to wait until tomorrow morning to see me again.
> "Au revoir!" says she and boards the next horse-and-buggy to the planet Zeergnorf
You say "Goodbye!" and enter the Wonkavator. Then you press the big green button labeled "GO". You hear a loud noise and then suddenly you feel like you've entered some sort of time warp. Suddenly, everything is different.
> cautiously peek out of the Wonkavator to see if I've gone back in time, forward in time, or to some kind of bizarre Taco Bell dimension
You look around and see that you're on a desert world with two suns. There's a small village called Zeergnorf which looks like it might be inhabited.
> Oh, I'm in Star Wars. Dandy! Did you know that blue milk was long life milk with blue food coloring and it apparently was oily and sweet and generally pretty horrible? Mark Hamill said so. And he's the coolest dude who ever lived so I believe him. Let's go find some Blue Milk.
You walk up to the door of the village and knock. When you open it, you see a woman wearing a yellow dress standing there holding a stick. She smiles at you and beckons you inside.
> Cautiously enter the abode
You cautiously enter the village and find yourself in a large house. Inside, you see a man sitting behind his desk writing something down. He turns around when he sees you come in and gives you a smile. "Ah, good afternoon," he says.
> "Greetings sir. By what name are you known?"
He smiles and nods. "My name is Klemto. My father gave me this book as a child, but I lost it years ago. Since then, I've been trying to figure out how to get it back."
> "That book in your hand, right there?"
Klemto looks at you and shakes his head. "It's not here, it's not here..." he says. You nod and ask him where else he thinks the book might be.
> "Could it be on Alderaan?"
Klemto looks at you and shrugs. "No idea. It could be anywhere." You decide to take a closer look at the village and see if you can find anything else about it.
> Ask around about this mysterious macguffin of a book I'm apparently trying to find now
The villagers seem surprised by your question. "What do you mean? What did you want to know?" one asks.
> I'm just trying to find it to help my oldest and dearest friend, Klemto!"
"I don't think you understand...!" another exclaims. "Oh please, we all have our secrets," a third remarks. "But why would anyone need to read the Book of Kells? How does it even work anyway?
> "Book of Kells? He never told me that part. What's so special about this book?"
One of the villagers seems to realize what you're talking about and explains.
> "It's the book that holds the truth for the stick lodged up Hideo Kojima's ass. Whosoever doth remove the stick shall be the king of all Zanzibar."
Another villager seems to understand what you're saying and nods. "Yes, yes, I remember reading that somewhere! But I guess it doesn't matter anymore since we no longer live on Zanzibar any more." You smile and nod at their understanding.
> Search elsewhere for clues to the whereabouts of the book of Kells. Perhaps at Mos Eisley
A few minutes later, you return to the village. "Where is the Book of Kells?" you ask. "In the basement," Klemto replies. "We found it after searching through everything else.
> "Quest over! Hallelujah!" You gain 2400 experience points and a share of the loot. You take the book and seek the truth of the Stick of Pretentious Bitterness
You leave the village and travel further north into the wilderness. The sun has set, and you are feeling hungry. After some time, you come across a small cave with several stalagmites hanging from its ceiling.
> Eat Stalagmite
You grab a handful of them and devour them. They taste like sweet honey. As you chew, you hear an odd noise coming from inside the cave. "What is it?" you ask. "Something's in there! Something big!"
> Load pistol and prepare for incoming Womp Rat swarm
You fire your pistol into the air, but nothing happens. "Maybe it's not loaded," you suggest. "Well, maybe it isn't loaded..." Suddenly, a large number of womp rats burst out of the cave entrance and attack you.
> Well it sure as hell isn't now. Flee in terror and hope you find a weapon of some description along the way
You run back into the cave, only to see a group of woprats chasing you. "Hey! Stop it!" you shout. "I've got something in here!" They stop their pursuit and look around suspiciously before continuing their hunt.
> (This got awfully racist all of a sudden.)
You continue running until you reach a clearing where you find a bunch of people huddled together. One of them notices your gun and asks if you can show him how to use it. "Sure thing," he says. "Just keep aimin'."
> Reload pistol and read the book
You quickly reload your pistol and begin to read the book. The man begins to speak in tongues and pray to whatever god he believes in. He tells you that this book contains the secrets of life, death, love, hate, war...
> "...and how to remove the stick from Hideo Kojima's ass. That's what I'm really interested in. But maybe it'll make me rich, too. Then I can quit being Kevin Costner the Postman and be somebody from a good movie. Like Batman."
He looks up from his prayer and stares at you. "Do you know who I am?" he asks. "No, but I think we should get rid of these people." "Yeah? Well they're just stupid peasants anyway.
> Help Batman dispatch all the stupid peasants with free-flow combat and slow motion to show off our cool moves
You help Batman dispose of the dumbasses by shooting them in the head or simply running them over. Batman then turns to you and smiles. "So, uh, do you want to join us?" he asks. "It seems like we have a lot in common."
> Join 1940's Batman on his quest to steal a lot of money, shoot a lot of peasants and get that damn stick out of Kojima's butt
You agree to join Batman and take up his mantle.
> Cue the Adam West batman theme, hop in my cool car and set off for Kojima Productions
You start the car and drive off towards Kojima Productions. "We need to go kill those bastards!" you shout. "Yes, yes we do!" Batman replies. "Let's go!"
> We drive all night by the big cooling tower. He's got the malaise, but we've got the power. Arrive the following morning, order a Pizza, eat it, and then kick down the front door of Kojima Productions
You arrive at the big cooling tower, which is surrounded by barbed wire and armed guards. "What are you doing here?" one of the guards asks. "Me? Oh, I was supposed to meet someone there," you reply.
> Show him the empty pizza box. "Kojima-san ordered a pizza. We're here to deliver."
"That's not very convincing," the guard remarks. "Well, I don't believe you, so let me prove it to you." You pull out the pizza box and throw it at the guard. It hits him square in the face.
> Press the detonator and watch the C4-laced pizza blow the guard to smithereens, granting us entrance to the building proper.
You run forward and grab the detonator from the guard. "I'm sorry about that," you say. "But Kojima-san said he wanted a pizza delivered to his office today." "Ah, well I guess we're going to have to do it now."
> Board the elevator and press the 666th floor button
You jump onto the elevator and press the button. The elevator ascends to the next level. "This place is getting crazy," you say as you look around. "Where's Joker?" Suddenly, an explosion rocks the area and debris flies everywhere.
> It was Kojima, who has a contraband RPG-7 launcher for no readily-explained reason.
A few seconds later, you hear a loud noise followed by gunfire.
> Throw a smoke pellet and then leap from the elevator before the rocket makes impact. Climb onto the conveniently-placed gargoyle statues before any guards can track your movements
You jump into the air and land on top of a gargoyle statue. You then throw a smoke pellet at the nearest guard. "Ha ha! This guy's been hiding under this statue all day!" you laugh as you climb up onto another gargoyle statue.
> Wait for Kojima to pass under and string him up with a rope
You wait until Kojima passes underneath and then climb up on top of the rope attached to him. "Hey, I just found this rope! Let me hang it from this statue!" you exclaim. "No way! That would be suicide!
> Hogtie Kojima and then, using the knowledge of the ancients, remove the stick from his butt
You tie Kojima's hands together behind his back and then put the end of the rope through his nose. "Now what?" you ask. "Oh, right... I think I know where Joker went..."
You say "Philadelphia" and then point to the city.
> Remove stick from Kojima's butt
You remove the stick from Kojima's butt and then proceed to tie him up. "I got it! Now let's go!" you shout. The following morning, you are woken up by the sound of gunshots outside your door.
> "Goddamn it Robin, I told you no live ammunition in the house."
You quickly get dressed and rush out of your room. "What the hell? Who could've done such a thing?" you ask yourself. "Well, I don't know anything about it other than Kojima-san said there were some problems between him and Joker-san,"
> "What, that Joker's sadistic gameplay in that NES game is somehow more fun and engaging than walking up a mountain and getting eaten by ghosts?"
"Yeah, but I'm not going to believe that unless I see it with my own eyes." "Fine, we'll find out." You walk down the stairs and open the front door. You see several men standing outside. They're armed with rifles and pistols.
You raise your hand and they open up the front door. "We have a visitor," one says. "Who's this?" you ask. "It's me, Mr. Kojima."
> "If you're looking for Joker, he lives in my head now. I got fear-gassed by Scarecrow and now he's symbolic of my slipping sanity or something. At least until I decide he's not anymore so I can leave that whole plot thread completely unaddressed because the higher-ups at the company said there'd be no more Batman games and they kind of wrote themselves into a corner. But it doesn't matter anyway because I stop all the villains in the end and then apparently commit suicide in a mansion explosion. Man, Arkham Knight sure ended on a sour note, didn't it?"
"That was the plan, yes." "But I'm still here. And if you want to kill me, you can do it. Or rather, I won't mind." "So what are you doing here?
> "Oh, before you do that. I have your mail, Mr. Kojima. You won the publisher's clearing house, but you haven't claimed it for over fifteen years. I was here with your check. Turns out you didn't have to make all those shitty Metal Gear games after 3 or get stuck at a shit company like Konami for so long! Ha ha ha! Oh, the irony!"
"Ha ha, yeah. I guess that makes me the biggest asshole ever. Anyway, you should come to visit me sometime." "Hm, well I suppose you're welcome to stay as long as you wish." You turn around and exit your home.
> Show Kojima how to live and love again. Go out on the town, buy some hookers and blow, and forget about tomorrow.
You enter the nearest bar and order a drink. "Hey, what's going on?" "Nothing much, just thinking about how I'm gonna get revenge on Joker.
> "Joker's dead, though. He only currently exists as my headmate. What, do you want to find his ashes and piss in them or something?"
"No, I think I'll just go out and do something." "Go out and do something? Like what?" "Fuckin' kill some people. I mean, if it comes to that. Just go out there and start shooting people.
> "I mean, I did some of that yesterday with my pal Batman Senior. So, if it'll make you feel better for all that time you missed at Konami..."
"I dunno...it's okay. It wasn't too bad." "Okay, fine. Whatever you say." You sit back down at the bar and continue drinking. A few minutes later, you hear a loud noise coming from outside your window.
> I have a bar in my apartment? Sweet. Go to window and see what all the ruckus is.
You grab your pistol and look out the window. The moonlight shines through the glass, illuminating a dark alleyway. You see a man wearing a trench coat running away from an unknown assailant. The figure appears to be moving fast, but not fast enough to catch up with him.
> Leap out the window and boot him in the chest, then stuff my gun in his mouth and squeeze off a few rounds
You jump out the window and land softly on the ground. You quickly run to where you saw the man fall, grabbing your pistol and putting a bullet in his chest. "What the fuck was that?!" you exclaim.
> "I'm trying to show my good buddy Hideo Kojima a good time and you start causing trouble in my filthy alley? You should be ashamed, sir."
"Yeah, whatever. If you're done talking, let's go." You walk out of the alley and follow Kojima. He turns right and walks along a side street until he sees two men fighting.
> Kojima draws two comically huge pistols and opens fire
Kojima pulls two comically huge revolvers from his pockets and fires several shots into the air. "Whoa, whoa, hold on," says one of the men. "We don't need any more bullets.
> "All I need is twelve shots." laughs Kojima, twirling his revolvers and then unloading his last two rounds into the men.
"That's not even enough!" yells the other man. "It's good enough! Now, let's finish this." You take a seat next to Kojima and watch as he takes aim at another man.
> "I love to reload during a battle!" he cackles, pulling the trigger.
"I love to reload during a battle!" he says, firing a couple times. You chuckle. "So you like killing people?" He chuckles again. "Well yeah, but I also enjoy it when they die in my movies."
> "Ah, so that's why Metal Gear Solid 4 and 5 were basically just 15-hour-long snuff films."
"Oh, no! That's not what I meant at all!" "Are you saying that you really liked killing people?" He shrugs. "Sometimes."
> Contemplate the fact that I've become a monster and created an even worse monster than myself.
"No, no, no! No, no! What I mean is..." "What do you want me to say?" "Just that I'm sorry for everything."
> "So like, Guns Of the Patriots was a big slam to the GOP, right? And Snake was Jesus and the microwave hallway was the Passion? Did I read all of that right?"
"Yes, yes, yes... I think we covered most of it.
> "Haha! Man, you're more pretentious than Zack Snyder. Or as I call him: Non-Racist Michael Bay"
"Hey, hey, hey! Stop calling me racist! It makes me feel bad!" "Okay fine, you're still racist.
> "Wait, no, that's not the right word. The word I wanted was uh... misanthropic. Yeah, you're a misanthropist. You despise humanity and wish to watch it burn, and you convey that through bad video games. Oh, and murdering people."
"And?" "And, well... I guess I'm glad you didn't kill me." He looks down. "Wow, that was pretty harsh. But thanks for the compliment." You sit back up and continue your conversation with Kojima.
> "So like... Raiden was your favorite character in 2 and then in 3 you just made him into a laughing stock. Then by 4 he was basically just a full-time psychopath who mass-murdered mind-controlled Patriot thugs without a shred of remorse or empathy. I think you have that in common now."
> Kojima stands up, wide-eyed as if he just had some kind of epiphany, then dashes off the nearest cliff.
The rest of the day passes in a blur. You don't get any sleep that night, and instead spend the time talking to Kojima about his life.
> Bury Kojima's body in a flowery field and then watch them all turn red for no reason
The next morning, you wake up and find that Kojima has already left. He never came back. A few days later, the world ends.
> Brain wave, main wave, psycho got a high kick. Collect and select, show me your best set. Crystals, blisters, it's all over now. Psycho cane, you're so keen, I need more candy canes
Your eyes flicker open. Your head feels heavy, but you know that you must be dreaming. The sun shines brightly outside, illuminating the room in a warm light. You sigh softly and take a deep breath before opening your eyes again.
> Deliver the mail.
Kojima's letter sits on top of your desk. You pick it up and open it slowly, reading the words carefully. Dear Mr. XXXXXX, I hope this finds you well.
> For the first time in a long time, you showed me happiness. You set me free. You showed me that life isn't about making hateful, mean-spirited scripts with more plot holes and hammier acting than Battlefield Earth to show my scorn for humanity, but that gunning down random strangers provides just as much of a rush with a fraction of the effort. Farewell, Mr. Costner, and once again, thank you.
You stare at the letter for a moment, staring at it until you see tears forming in your eyes. You wipe them away quickly and stand up from your chair. You walk out of the office and go home, where you lay down on your bed and cry until you fall asleep.
> Quit your job as a courier and become a Batman full-time, gunning down criminal and criminee alike in equal measure. It's what Kojima would have wanted.
You decide to quit your job as a courier and become a Batman full-time, gunning down criminals and criminees alike in equal measure. You are unstoppable. You will save the world.
> One bullet at a time, we'll make his vision of that country he has several strong opinions about but only lived in for a day a reality.
One year passes... It is the middle of the night when you arrive at your destination. A small town called Gotham City, which is located in New Jersey. You've been sent here specifically because of an assignment given to you by Mr.
> Kojima. Apparently in the short time you knew him, he commissioned a batch of extremely deadly nerve gas that he would unleash upon the city, exterminating millions of lives in an instant. You figure you'll see his grand scheme off as a tribute to your old thrill-kill buddy.
You enter the front door of the building and knock three times. No answer. You press your ear against the door and listen, but hear nothing.
> Stand a safe distance and then fire batmobile's missile battery at the door
You raise your arms and begin firing at the door. Unfortunately, the missile batteries aren't very accurate and miss their target entirely. You turn around and run back inside, hoping that you didn't give away too much information.
> Interrogate the building. "WHERE'S DENT?!"
You walk into the building and look around. There are two men sitting at a table inside, both of whom seem to be in shock. One man looks like he's lost consciousness completely while the other seems to be struggling to stay conscious.
> "TELL ME WHERE THE BOMB IS"
The man who's passed out starts to get up and says something unintelligible. He then turns to you and begins speaking gibberish. "Gorram! Gorram! I'm gonna die!" he screams.
> You notice the smell of gas. Tangy, with a slightly pleasant smell. Certainly not what you'd expect of a deadly nerve agent. Oh, wait... shit.
You start coughing violently. The man who was unconscious starts to laugh maniacally. "What's so funny?" you ask, still coughing up blood. "Oh, you're dead." he laughs. "WHAT?!?" you scream in disbelief. - YOU DIED! GAME OVER! -
> The whole of Gotham City is swept up in a wave of deadly Kojima Venom, which is Joker Venom but you get chopped into tiny pieces by hundreds of trillions of nanomachine-sized Raidens. A fitting end from a man whose sanity and any shred of empathy left him years ago.
You wake up in a hospital room. Your body is bandaged and you're wearing a white gown. You sit up slowly and gasp when you realize that you're surrounded by a bunch of people holding guns. "Whoa, slow down there,"
> They recognize me as Batman - the cohort of Kojima, and don't even want to hear a word of it. Guns fire until I'm an unrecognizable red paste. And after I survived the certain-death scenario of Kojima Venom too. How ironic.
"Hey, hey, calm down," a nurse says. "I'm sorry, but I can't tell you anything right now," another one replies. "But we need to know if this is true or not!" the first one exclaims.
> It is. Kevin Costner's name is lost to history while Kojima's will live forever in infamy. THE END
"No, no, it's true," you say. "Well then let us go on with our lives," the doctor says. "We don't have many choices here," the second person adds.
> "Shoot me. It's the only way."
"Okay, okay, shoot the fucker," the first person says. "Let's do it," the second person agrees. "I'm telling you, we should just kill him." "Why? We could arrest him and throw him in jail for life.
> "Have you never seen a Batman story ever? The jails around here have revolving doors. I'd be back on the streets in six hours, killing your pets. The final solution is the only solution. Make it happen."
"Fine, fine, whatever you sayin'." "So, where's Dent anyway?" "He went to meet his girlfriend. She's got a cat named Spotty.
> "DEAR GOD IT'S TRUE!" I have a heart attack and a stroke right then and there
"Yeah, yeah, whatever. Let's go," the nurse says. "Wait a minute..." you say. "What?" the nurse asks. "I said wait a minute... I think this guy might be Batman."
> Point to myself.
"Yes, yes, I am Batman. That's why I've been walking around like this all day." "That's not really how it works," the nurse points out. "It does work! If you hadn't shot me, I would have been alive today!"
> Honk your nose which is really full of C4. KABOOM!
"Look, I'll give you my car keys. But you gotta promise me something." "Sure, sure. Whatever." "And if you see Batman again?" "Of course." "Good luck, kid." The next morning...
> Swallow a whole gallon of nitroglycerine and jump around
"Batman!" you shout as loud as you can. "Hmmph," he answers. "I'm gonna blow my brains out!" "Don't worry about it, kid." "Then what are YOU doing here?
> "I've been trying to off myself for days but the engine won't let me die."
"Oh, that's because you're too much of a pussy to do it yourself. Anyway, I've got some things to take care of so I'm going home." "But Batman, I want to talk to you more!" "You sure you wanna do this?
> "Nope." keel over on the spot and die
"I'm sorry, Batman. I shouldn't have done that." "Aw come on now, it was an accident! What did you expect me to do? You know how hard it is to get into Arkham without getting caught by the cops?
"Well, at least you didn't try to poison me with those pills.
> poison self with pills
"No, no, no! I just wanted to talk to you more!" "Okay, okay. Just don't bother coming back." "I will. And when I do, make sure you bring me some of these pills." "Alrighty then.
> turn gun on self
"Come on, Batman! Give me one good reason not to kill myself!" "Fine. It's because I need you in there." "WHY?!
"Why the hell do you need me in there?!" "Because I need you to be part of my team." "WHAT?!?
"What the fuck Batman!? Why would you want me to be part of your team!?
> cuz im bored of this shit
"Fuck you, Joker! I'll be seeing you soon!" "Goodbye, Joker." "Goodbye..."
> As the poison takes hold, the world fades out and Kevin Costner, thankfully and mercifully, is dead.
"Joker, what the fuck are you doing?" "Don't fucking question me Joker! I'm gonna kill myself!" "Dammit, why can't we all just get along?" "Shut up! Fuck you Joker!"
You die... - YOU DIED! GAME OVER! -