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Fim Farthole, Part 3

Chapter 8: The Attacks Begin

        Bob's voice suddenly pierced the silence.

Zero X. Diamond
And what words of wisdom did this voice bring us?


        "I'm hungry."

Zero X. Diamond
Of course, the classic "wacky" character trope: random bouts of hunger!

        Bonnie looked at him.  The money came to mind.  Money and its image brought to mind another thing.  A devious plot to dispose of Bob quite simply.

Zero X. Diamond
Is it "shoot him in the back of the head with a handgun?"  Because judging from the plot thus far, that would totally work and nobody would question it.

 So she put it into action.

        "Do you like fruit?"

        He felt hunger ripping through his stomach like a wild animal.

Mega Man
And sadly not a Chestburster.

        "Yes.  Yes I do."

        "There IS a produce stand right over there.  Come on, let's go!"

Mega Man
She went to the Bill Shatner school of acting.

Zero X. Diamond
 Wait, does this mean an action-packed 80s car chase is about to come through the story?  That would make things way better!  Except, you know, I probably would have still found a way to make it completely fucking boring.

        Bob turned his head and indeed saw a produce stand.  There were lots of fresh fruits there, just waiting to be eaten.  A shine came into his eyes.  He was consumed by the hunger.

Zero X. Diamond
He became a cannibal, which made him so unlikable that it stack overflowed him back to likable.

        "Mmm... fresh fruit..."

        He made his way down the street to the stand, all the way imagining how he'd bite into the fruit and suck on it, bite it and chew it...

Zero X. Diamond
Why does half the content of this story sound SO FUCKING SEXUAL?

It was becoming more and more apparent that he was in serious need of food.


Bob couldn't remember the last time he had eaten anything.

Zero X. Diamond
Buying all those flowers and sleeping on that bench outside of Sandra's house had been taking up a lot of his time, you know?

 And then they arrived.

        "Mmm, this looks good..." coaxed Bonnie.

        Bob was responsively drooling, like Pavlov's dog.

Spoony Spoonicus
Random reference to sound smart!

Then, something caught his eye.

        "Ooh, look at that!  It's so shiny!"

Zero X. Diamond
Every time a writer uses this trope, an orphaned baby dies.

        Bonnie was amazed.

        That's weird.  Shiny things distract him.  I'll take note of that.

Spoony Spoonicus
He's basically a dog you can lead around with a laser pointer.

        While he was distracted, she pulled an apple out of her basket.

        "Hey Bob, I grabbed an apple for you!" she said, a grin on her face.

        He turned around to face her.  Surely enough, she was holding an apple.

Zero X. Diamond
Wow, just like she said!

Bob's eyes grew large.

        "FOOD!" he shouted, grabbing the apple.

        "Well, you'll have to excuse me.  I have to visit the little girls' room."

Zero X. Diamond
Is this supposed to be sexual too??  I don't even know anymore!

        She ran off.  Bob looked at the apple.

        "Oh apple, so sweet and delicious..."

        By now, she was in a bathroom a good five hundred feet away.  She snickered to herself.

        "That ten thousand is as good as mine!"

        She heard a ripping explosion in the distance.  A grin wiped across her face.  The deed was done.  Bob was totally destroyed.

Zero X. Diamond

        "Yes!!  Now I can get my money..."

        However, she would soon find that Bob was NOT destroyed, or in fact at all fazed.

Zero X. Diamond

She ran out the door and quickly discovered this for herself.

        How in the world did he avoid being destroyed?

Zero X. Diamond
 I'm sure you're going to give me some lame, stupid excuse for it, story.

        "Bonnie, you missed it!  I was about to eat the apple you gave me, when suddenly, I see this bigger, shinier apple.  I toss the other one over my shoulder, and kablooey!  There's this big explosion!  Man, it was COOL!"

Zero X. Diamond
"And there was nothing weird or suspicious about it at all!  Not one thing!"

        "Oh, how terrible." she replied, annoyance in her voice.

Zero X. Diamond
"No sir, nothing suspicious about any of this at all!!"

        Apparently, this was going to be harder than she thought.

Spoony Spoonicus
And so the poor man's Coyote-and-Roadrunner show continues!

Mayor Mike Haggar
Even if you're not familiar with the character or the games she's from, putting her name into any search engine shows several images of her grinning like a lunatic and carrying knives, an Uzi and several high explosives.  It's not very hard to figure out how she operates!

Chapter 9: Another Vicious Attack

        Heh heh, I’m leading him along on a rope.  He doesn’t suspect a thing!  Then again, how could he?

Zero X. Diamond
 He's dumb as a fucking post and gets distracted by errant air molecules!

He’s too busy checking me out…  At least, I hope so.

Zero X. Diamond
Stop.  STOP!

Chris Hansen
Why don't you take a seat, Mr. Reginald.

        Bonnie blushed slightly.

        Because, uh… that would keep his mind off of the apple bomb!  Yeah, that’s it.  I can’t let feelings get in the way of my work.  Even if he is cute, he’s just more meat on the table for the customer…

Spoony Spoonicus
Cannibalism and vice:  The surest signs of an author desperately trying to be edgy.

Zero X. Diamond
More like you want HIS meat on YOUR table!  WAIT NO WHY DID I SAY THAT AAAAAAGH

        “Hey Bonnie, why’d you just turn red?”

        “Oh, no reason,” she said, trying to think of some way to eliminate him.

Zero X. Diamond
And certainly not imagining him giving her a warm oil massage wearing nothing but a tiny speedoh god damn it

        And then it hit her like a ton of bricks.

        Why not use landmines?  They’re both destructive and hard to notice.

Zero X. Diamond
Uh, maybe hard to notice when they're buried in the jungle, but I think you'd be hard pressed to miss a patch of large metal discs strewn across the pavement.

Didn't stop me from getting my legs blown off constantly in New Vegas.

 He’d never see it coming!  But how would I be able to plant them ahead of him and-

        A smile slowly crept across her face.  She turned suddenly to Bob and tapped him on the shoulder.

        “You’re it!”

Zero X. Diamond
 Are you six years old??

        She ran off, giggling gaily.  Bob stood there for a second, trying to get the gist of what had just happened.  He snapped his fingers and smiled.

        “I get it, we’re playing tag now!  Only I don’t think this is the kind where the guy who is it hangs people from trees…”

Zero X. Diamond
*studio audience boos loudly and throws rotten fruit*

        Bob stopped pondering and just started running after Bonnie, who the whole time she had been running had also been dropping mines behind her.  It seemed it would be just a matter of time before Bob would be cannon fodder.

        “Keep running, Bob!  You’re catching up!”

        “I’ll get you, you little rascal!”

Zero X. Diamond

        He continued running down the street without incident.  Inch after inch, foot after foot, he continued running.  Feet became yards, and then miles.

Zero X. Diamond
One foot, three feet, 5280 feet.  A simple logical progression.

And nary a Yackety Sax in sight.

  And yet Bob didn’t trigger a single explosion.  BBH was shocked.

        How is he not dead yet?!?  He’s run through 3 blocks of land mines!!!

Zero X. Diamond
How far did you run before dropping any mines?  Because uh, hate to break this to you, but it takes like 16 or 17 city blocks to equal a single mile.

        She suddenly stopped and looked back.  There was Bob, running wildly about in abnormal zigzags, effectively making him miss every mine.  Enraged, Bonnie threw a rock at the nearest mine to Bob, setting it off.  Unfortunately for her, the nearest mine to him was already out of range to him and the ripping explosions merely added to the urban decay.

Zero X. Diamond
It's almost as if you can't do any damage to him because the author is attached to him and wants everyone to give their love to him.

        “Wow!  I wonder why the whole street just blew up?”

        “Uh… bad sewer system.”

        “That’s one heck of a bad sewer.  Someone should check that out.”

Zero X. Diamond
*"laugh" sign visibly flashing, but the studio audience left paragraphs ago*

No, no, you don't understand!  I hate sewers!  They smell like... poo gas.

        “Ugh.  Yes Bob, someone should check it out.  Let’s go.”

        She couldn’t stand it anymore.  She was going to snap, and the results weren’t going to be pretty.

Spoony Spoonicus
Or witty.  Or gay.

Chapter 10: The Real Assault Begins

Zero X. Diamond
Bob awoke with a start.  He looked over at the nightstand, now aware of the grating alarm of his digital clock, beeping and flashing 8:00 AM.  With a groan, he lurched over and turned it off.  He rubbed his tired eyes and looked around the room.  It was as it always was: plain, understated, walls lined with cheap 70s-era wood paneling.

As it always was... his mind was still cloudy, but... was this really how it should have been?  Everything he had just experienced, from his crushing rejection to his pointless fight in the forest to his other pointless fight in a bar in extradimensional Detroit to running from the police with a girl dressed as Little Red Riding Hood... it all FELT real.  Had it really all been a dream, or was this reality he was experiencing--familiar as it was--the actual dream?

While pondering the strange situation he was in, all at once he became aware of a noise coming from the door across the bedroom: running water.  It was the unmistakable sound of the shower.  But he was asleep, wasn't he?  Did he turn it on before he fell asleep, or was this indeed just another odd dream of his?  Curiosity getting the better of him, he rolled lazily out the side of the bed and, after stretching momentarily, slowly walked over to the bathroom door.

He crept through the bathroom door, hinges gently creaking as it pushed out of his way.  The air was thick with steam; he couldn't have turned it on and fallen asleep then, since the water would be ice cold by now.  And what's more, there was a silhouette visible through the curtain!  Who was in his room?  What kind of person would be comfortable enough to just waltz in, strip down, and jump in his shower?  All at once, he threw the curtain aside.

"Good morning," a young woman's voice spoke.

It... was Sandra.  Oh God, of course it was.  Like a slap across the face, it all became clear.  It WAS just a dream.  She'd never rejected his creepy advances.  The two of them had grown closer and closer as his backstory had changed bit by bit.  Eventually they helped those weird, borderline retarded kids beat up those assholes from outer space.  Life returned to normal, so much as it could in such a bizarre world as theirs, and the two of them settled in together.

"A dream," Bob said with a weary laugh, rubbing his face.  "Of course it was all a dream."

"What was," Sandra asked, rinsing the suds from her hair.

"I'll tell you later."

Then he climbed in the shower with her and they had hot, wet shower sex and Sandra nearly pounded his pelvis into pulp with her nearly godlike hips.
Zero X. Diamond
Now that we've got a proper conclusion to the story, I'll give my usual post-mortem on the subject.  This story was obviously dropped like a stone the minute that Sandra's author and I finally agreed to pair the two of them together, which is why this one just abruptly ends (as opposed to others ending abruptly because they were interactive fiction and nobody else gave a damn about the shit anymore).

However, the idea was not entirely scrapped: all indications are that the story was simply repurposed for the timeline and was intended to be totally rewritten for a universe in which the two HAD gotten together.  This version--which was never even started (thank fucking God)--would have featured Bob and Sandra on a boat for some reason that I've long since forgotten, but would have still featured Cedric "No Distinguishing Characteristics" Astelimar and his even more out-of-place here hired gun Baby Bonnie Hood trying to whack the two of them.  Yes, a little girl with a picnic basket full of guns and bombs was to be hired by an ineffectual wizard to try and kill some scrawny ex-murderer and his girlfriend who could literally deflect bullets with her abs.  Nobody said the concept got any stronger with the rewrite.

Of note, there was also to be a story later on where they were on a boat again where the two of them had hot, awkward sex for Bob's 18th birthday.  Whether this was a later variant of this story or just a second story featuring the two of them on a boat, I can't remember.  I don't want to remember.  The part of my brain that this information was stored in scarred over a long time ago and no amount of electrical impulses are going to bring it back to me.  Once again, thank fucking God.

Still, I appreciate the role Happy Bob played in my creative "career," so to speak.  While he somehow managed to be more cringy than Zero "LOVE ME, GOD DAMN IT" Diamond, he was a demonstration that I wanted to move forward from writing stories about nearly omnipotent self-inserts that everyone was required to fellate at every turn.  He may have been fueled by teen angst, self-loathing and clinical depression, and this may have resulted in one hell of an unlikable character, but... I mean, uh... progress?  I guess?

I rewrote the character significantly in college and totally removed him from any existing universe, so who knows?  Maybe someday I'll do something actually GOOD with him.  Until then, keep your fingers crossed that I don't find any more old, forgotten shit starring him.  Because it MIGHT exist and you MIGHT end up having to read it.