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Femme Fatale Part 1 (An Aberration Arboretum Presentation)

Zero X. Diamond
 So here's one I literally forgot I even wrote; I literally thought for nearly a decade that this was a story concept I'd come up with but never even started writing.  Sadly, I've been proven wrong by the discovery of this 2003-era work-in-progress version.

The story, if you can call it that, takes place in an alternate version of the "Frozenverse" wherein Sandra and Bob never had their nonsensical and terrible romance bloom, leaving Bob as the world's most creepy and horrible stalker and sending him on a random adventure where he meets his only vaguely defined archenemy and ends up teleported to a grimdark otherworld where he meets a character from a video game I still haven't played who was suggested to me as a potential love interest by somebody else entirely.  I still hadn't figured out what direction to take Bob in as a character and it leaves him as a wholly unsympathetic piece of shit that I don't even think the shitty Hot Topic crowd of the time would have liked.

 The end result is... below.  It's below here.  That's really all I can say to sum it up at the moment.  That and "I'm sorry."

I'll write this when Frozen is over.  :P

Spoony Spoonicus
Better late than... actually, never is probably better in this case.
Zero X. Diamond
Mercifully, neither of these things ever happened.

Chapter 1: The Broken Hearted

Zero X. Diamond
 Finally we'll get to see what becomes of the broken hearted!

        Bob sat upon a bench out front of the Polestar Preschool.  In his left hand was a bouquet, wilting in the summer heat.  In his right sat his knife, quivering in his palm.

Zero X. Diamond
 A bouquet and a knife?  He knows just what the ladies like.

Thoughts of the most dishonorable death possible crossed his mind. He shrugged it off, instead staring through the second story window, hoping to get a glimpse of her.  Her silhouette passed briefly by the window.

Zero X. Diamond
I think we've reached peak cringiness in a record amount of time, guys!

        "How I long for the days long passed.  The days where she and I were together nearly every day.  Back when we were fighting for the sake of the planet...  Those are the days that I miss most...  Those are the days that I long for..."

Zero X. Diamond
I long for the days... when the days were longer... those days which I long for were long ago... how I long for the long days of long ago to long-a-dong-dong...

Mayor Mike Haggar
The words of a bro who only pretends to like "that poetry shit" as a cheap way to pick up chicks.

        Ness suddenly stopped, seeing him sitting there, sulking.  He had been on his way to visit with Paula.  But seeing Bob sitting there brought to mind some terrible thoughts.  He knew the way Bob's mind worked.

Zero X. Diamond
So this means he's expecting to find everyone dead in a pile of mangled corpses in the center of the preschool, right?

        "You okay over there, Bob?" he inquired.  "You look pretty depressed."

        "Oh shut up, Ness.  You know how it is.  I buy something nice, I come over in my best dress,

Zero X. Diamond
 You know, my silk organza strapless gown!

I ask to talk to Sandra...  and then they turn me away.

[Generic vomit concerning "unfair discrimination" against creepy serial murderers that has been deleted in the name of good taste]

Why?  Why must I experience this rejection?  WHY THE HELL DO I HAVE TO GO THROUGH THIS!?"

Zero X. Diamond
Because you're an unrepentant mass murderer and the world's creepiest fucking stalker to boot?

        "Calm down, Bob.  I'm sure that Sandra is probably just not ready for love.  She has been gone for years."

        "That's no reason to keep me away!  Do you REALIZE how much I've wasted on flowers within the past WEEK!?"

Zero X. Diamond
 Oh my God, this is like... this is how it starts, isn't it?  This is how those neckbeardy fedora guys on Reddit get started?

        "Look, Bob... there's got to be other fish in the sea..."

        Bob's eyes turned red.  His knife began shaking uncontrollably.  He began to shout at the top of his lungs.

         "You just don't get it!  She is perfect!  There is NOONE who can replace her!  HEAR ME NOW, WORLD!  I AM HAPPY BOB THE HOMICIDAL MANIAC!!!  I WILL NOT REST UNTIL I SETTLE THIS FEELING!!!!"

        With that, Bob got up and stormed off.  He wanted so dearly to kill someone.  He wanted to dig his knife deep into another person's flesh.

Our hero, ladies and gentlemen!

 The pain was too much to bear.  Reality almost seemed to be out to get him.  Like the world was turning its back on him again.

        His love life never had been the same since that fateful day.  The day the government was after him.  They got a tip about his girlfriend.  Took a B-Line for her apartment and blew her brains out.

Zero X. Diamond
 You see, this is why Ron Paul wants a smaller government: less government sanctioned executions of innocent bystanders.

Got a clean shot at Bob, leaving a scar and a bullet in his shoulder.  He never truly forgot that day, though it did elude him for the longest time.

        He now found himself running down the Twoson street, tears welling in his eyes.  He had no place to go, no one to turn to.    There wasn't a soul on the planet at this point that he could rely on.  Not a one.

Zero X. Diamond
What about that Nebiroth guy?  He seemed to like you pretty okay!

        The forest...  I'll go there.  Maybe escape from everything for a while.  Yeah... get away from reality.  No one there to bother me.

Zero X. Diamond
If he runs into Katie, Rocky and Boss Bandit going the other direction, I'm staging a walkout.

Chapter 2: The Unknown Danger

        The forest stood looming before him, dark and foreboding.  His kind of place.  Inside he would most certainly be alone.  He'd never seen anyone go in that forest.  Never in his lifetime of traveling had anyone stepped in.  A rather odd occurrence.  There had to be an explanation.

Zero X. Diamond
You live in a video game world where forests are the same as brick walls.  That is the explanation.

Spoony Spoonicus
This story takes place in the Surface level from Goldeneye.

        Perhaps at one point in his youth he had known something of the reason why.  But it had probably been before the Giygas War, and heaven knows how young he was back then.  It was twanging in the back of his head.  The feeling was so dull, yet so sharp.

Spoony Spoonicus
The dialog was so bromidic, yet so sagacious.

It wasn't important though.

        He reeled back, then forward into the woods.  Bob ran about in the forest, narrowly missing trees left and right.  It was fun to be running freely again.  He put his cares behind him, flinging himself further still into the forest.  He was having the time of his life!

Zero X. Diamond
All it takes to snap him out of suicidal depression/homicidal rage is running through the forest like a moron.  Happy Bob is a dog.

        Hours passed as he ran about.

Zero X. Diamond
 Jesus, is he fucking Forrest Gump?

He continued running until he was hopelessly lost.  But he didn't really care.  Not at all.  As long as he was away from his troubles, he was fine.  And he'd have stayed that way, had he not came across the clearing.

        He had stumbled across something big.  It was a man, definitely.  He had a similar build to Bob, wore similar clothes, but was entirely different.

Zero X. Diamond
They were very much alike except for the fact that they weren't at all.

 It seemed he was trying to conjure something up with magic of some sort.  Why was a mystery to Bob.

        "Hey you!  What in the name of all things holy do you think you are doing?" he questioned.

        The man turned to face him, hate in his eyes.  He had interrupted the entire ceremony.  This was a travesty.

        "Who are you and what are you doing here?" the man growled furiously.

        "I asked you fiiiiiirst!" Bob teased.

        "You impudent fool!  I am Cedric Astelimar, and you sir are going to pay for your interruptions!"

Spoony Spoonicus
This is basically how I play Oblivion.  Run around the countryside at top speed and punch random Necromancers in the balls.

        He took a lunge at Bob, knocking him in the jaw with his bare fist.

Zero X. Diamond
A dark wizard who resorts to fist fighting like a cheap thug.

A bright flash went off as a blade forged of cold steel flickered from Bob's pocket and cut deeply into Cedric.  He clutched his chest.

        "Ugh!  You annoying little bug!  You... you cut me!"

        "Ooh, how observant!  You've won one dollar!  Would you care to try for two?"

Zero X. Diamond
Thanks, Bugs Bunny.

Mega Man
Who Wants to Be a Millionaire got really fucking weird in the latest season.

        A punch connected fiercely with Bob's jaw.  Another one connected with his stomach.  A kick launched him into a tree.

        "Ahahahahaha!  Not so high and mighty now, are you?"

        "Well, you nailed the mighty part..."

Zero X. Diamond
"But I just shot heroin right into my eyeballs so I am definitely high!"

        A sawed-off shotgun blazed from the tree, a few of the bullets clipping Cedric.  Blood began dripping from the numerous bullet cuts.  Cedric roared with fury.

        "That is quite enough!  You will not interfere with my travel!  I will reach the next world undaunted!"

Spoony Spoonicus
So far, our protagonist stalks a woman, charges through the woods and viciously antagonizes a guy just trying to hop back home.  What a cool dude.

        Light blazed from the man's arms, connecting with Bob near instantly.  He fell from the tree, covered in blood.  Cedric grinned and directed the energy back to his previous ceremony.  A swirl of blue light began emerging from the center of the clearing. A grin slowly appeared on Bob's face.

        The portal finally became fully functional.  A cold wind emerged from its depths.  Cedric took a deep breath and stepped in.  It began to vanish.  Bob suddenly leapt to his feet and through the portal.  It sealed behind him, leaving no trace.

        Cedric laughed, falling through the abyss.  He thought nothing could stop him now.  That was, until he heard the voice.  The familiar voice.  One he met in the clearing.

        "Hey Cedric, aren't you forgetting someone?" Bob shouted.

        "That's... impossible!  You were dead!  Covered with blood!"

        "Ah ah ah ah ah!

Zero X. Diamond
One!  One stupid trick!

Crushed berries.  I'm much more resourceful than you could ever imagine."

        "Who in the world are you?  Who could be so cunning as to dodge an attack and use berries to look dead?"

Mayor Mike Haggar
Literally any six-year-old?

        "I am Bob Reginald.  Happy Bob the Homicidal Maniac.  How do you do?  Have we met before?"

        "Don't try to play mind games Bob.  You could never-"

Zero X. Diamond
So wait, why are they fighting again?

        Bob's fist connected with Cedric, sending him flailing about through the swirling fabric of the interworldly portal.  He blasted back up at Bob, connecting a flurry of blows to him.  Bob's foot hit Cedric in the jaw.  He was sent hurtling far into the reaches of the void.  And then, Bob saw it approaching.  The end of the line.

Chapter 3: Strange New World

        He saw it and gazed with awe.  The world didn't look as desirable as Cedric had made it seem.  Why would Cedric want to come here of all places?  It looked dark and unforgiving.  Almost evil.

Zero X. Diamond
New Jersey?

Spoony Spoonicus
You should both be right at home, then.

        It was a mystery.  Perhaps this place held something more?  Perhaps, perhaps.  Or maybe it is his home?  His evil personality sure fit in with the surroundings.

        By now, he had landed on a hilltop.  A streak of light passed through the sky, crashing in the far distance.  Maybe it was Cedric.  Hopefully it wasn't.  With any luck, Cedric had touched down in a volcano or something.

Zero X. Diamond
I wish the same had happened to you, asshole.

        Bob directed his attention to his surroundings now.  There was deep forestation all around him.  Beyond the forest at the foot of the hill lied a dingy looking city.  Urban decay had truly taken its toll on that town.

        "Wow, what a dump.  I think I'll go check it out."

        He slowly made his way down the hill and into the forest.  It was dark beyond belief.  Mosquitoes darted past him, growls emanated from the darkness around him.  It wasn't an all-together fun stroll.

        "Man, this is a drag.  I think I hear wolves..."

        After a while of walking through these woods, he was about ready to kill himself.

Zero X. Diamond
 After reading several paragraphs of this story, I was about ready to kill myself.
Mayor Mike Haggar
And much like the people who threaten to leave the internet forever every fifteen minutes, he never follows through.  Much to the dismay of all who know him.

It was pretty bad.

Zero X. Diamond
Okay, whose riff is this and how did it get out of its box??

 It was dark, smelly and he often times felt heat spurt out at his hand.  Eventually, he figured out those heat spurts were actually the breath of wild animals.

Zero X. Diamond
Large packs of wild animals are just standing stationary in the brush just out of sight alongside where he's walking.  Because that's how nature works!!

  Not a pleasant feeling.

Spoony Spoonicus
Much like playing Breath of the Wild.

(Immediately pelted with garbage with death threats written on it)

        Thankfully, he finally saw lights in the distance.  The dimly flickering lights of a decaying city.  A smile wiped across his face.  Finally, some civilization.  Maybe he could get some good kills in.

Zero X. Diamond
This is seriously a character we are supposed to find likable in some way.

        It seemed even worse in person.  The walls were peppered with graffiti.  Bricks were slipping out of place.  Sirens could be heard wailing in the distance, echoing through the dying metropolis.  Bob raised an eyebrow.

Zero X. Diamond
Ohhhh, he's in Detroit.

        "Geez, this place is worse than Detroit!"

Zero X. Diamond
Oh fuck you.

Mayor Mike Haggar
If Robocop shows up and shoots his dick off the next time he starts stalking a woman, this whole journey will have been worth it.

        A man with a single boot and an overcoat pushed a shopping cart past Bob.

Eccentric Man
 A common mistake is to load the boll weevil within the output parameter!  DOOOOOOOOOOO!  Now that's gotta hurt!  What?  Huh?  Wait a minute!  This might sound ridiculous, but communication is expandable unless your baffle refractor Dracula is encoded!

He blinked.  They seemed human enough.  But were they what they seemed?  He decided to go out for a little drink.  You know, like in old movies.  Poke around at the locals to find out what goes on.

Zero X. Diamond
Knowing Bob, this means he's going to stab them all to death.

        He slowly walked down the street, looking at all the buildings and people along the way.  It wasn't what you'd call a happy society.  Several families were out in the cold, barely clothed, no jobs, no homes.  Bob even witnessed a few crimes while looking for a place to catch a drink.  Pitiful way to live.

Zero X. Diamond
Why, if he had any empathy at all, he'd probably feel bad!
Mega Man
This narration isn't much for self-awareness considering these observations are coming from a firmly established serial killer.

        A sign suddenly began flickering down the street.  He could barely make out the word "beer."  That was where he'd find out a little more about these people.  He sprinted towards it, nearly missing a few bums on his way.

Chapter 4: The Fabled Bar Scene

Zero X. Diamond
Already this new chapter promises to be hard to read!

        Bob stepped in through the brightly lit entrance.  In the corner, a man was playing a Honky-Tonk Piano, and rather hard.

Zero X. Diamond
Wild west Detroit?

A bunch of tough looking characters sat around the bar.  Beer was flowing from the tap like a river.  A smile wiped across Bob's face.

        "Well, this place should be a barrel of laughs." he laughed to himself.

        A man walked over to the pianist.

Spoony Spoonicus
And is about to demonstrate that he has an extremely small "pianist".

        "I thought I told you to quit with that racket!" he snarled.

        "I have to play.  I have a family to feed!"

        "Quit playing or you won't be part of a family anymore."


        A gunshot was heard.  The music climaxed sharply, fading shortly after.

        "Aye, that'll teach the bastard to listen to his superiors!"

        A bunch of hairy men at a nearby table laughed heartily.  It'd been at least an hour since the last good fight they saw.  That whetted their appetite.  Bob's smile slowly faded into a straight face.

        "Ok, that was just sick..."

Mega Man

Zero X. Diamond
It's fun and hilarious when you kill without remorse, but when some hairy fatass from Murderworld does it, that's going too far!!

        Bob spotted an empty stool at the bar.  He decided it was time to move in.  Time to find out what these people were made of.

        "Bartender!  Gimme a beer!"

        The bartender looked at Bob.  He spat into a nearby tin spittoon.

Mayor Mike Haggar
Welcome to 1853, apparently.

       "You'll 'ave to wait.  Adults first, minors later."

        "Nothing doing, I want my beer NOW!"

        "Ah fine, suit yerself.  But if the law comes down on me 'cause they see me servin' a minor, I'll 'ave yer 'ead!"

Mayor Mike Haggar
You don't give a shit when they put a bullet in your piano player, but serving a minor is a problem?

Zero X. Diamond
Welcome to the Republican party.

        The man spoke with a clearly defined lower-class British accent.  He clearly had little respect for the law.  Bob didn’t either, but that was besides the point.  A frothy mug of beer suddenly landed on the table before him before he could think any more.

        "So uh... what's life like around here?"

        "Aye, life be hard for everyone 'round here!"

        "I noticed.  You people have any... heroes?"

Zero X. Diamond
Wow, this dialogue is so natural.  It's exactly like real people talk!

        "Well, don't recollect any 'eroes for years.  Though I 'ave 'eard rumors.  Some little girl, does 'eroic kind of things.

Zero X. Diamond
I swear to fucking God, if this is a gritty reboot of the Powerpuff Girls...

 Course, 'eard she only works for money."

Spoony Spoonicus
This dark reimagining of Cardcaptor Sakura isn't very good.

        Bob took a heavy swig of his beer.  He was surprised at its taste.  Now he knew why his father was always drunk.

Zero X. Diamond
Yes, in this iteration of the character, Bob took a long, hard look at his alcoholic father who constantly beat and belittled him and his mother and said "Yep, that's who I aspire to become."

 Before he could continue asking the barkeep questions, the man next to him tapped his shoulder.

        "My friend doesn't like you."

        "Oh, I'm very sorry." Bob answered, turning around and taking another swallow of beer.  The man grabbed his shoulder.

        "I don't like you either!"

Zero X. Diamond
Wild west Mos Detroitsley??

        "Well sir, that's a damned shame."

This scene reminds me of that famous sci-fi movie about a war among the stars.  I think it was called... Doomsday Machine!

        The man grabbed Bob by the collar of his shirt.  He lifted him into the air.

        "I'm wanted all over the world!  What can you boast, kid?"

        "I have Crypha." he smiled gently.

        By now everyone in the bar was tensing up, ready to get into it.

        "Crypha?  What in blue blazes is Crypha?"

Spoony Spoonicus
"It's slang for "syphilis"!" Bob proudly boasted.

Zero X. Diamond
Ah yes, Crypha, a character we sadly (read: quite happily) missed out on when we abruptly quit riffing Frozen.  A schizophrenic failed experiment by the scientists in the world's dumbest spaceship, Crypha pointlessly killed one of the DBZ Brothers and then became hopelessly infatuated with Happy Bob because it wouldn't be a story I was involved in back then without depressing anime harem fantasies!

        "Here, I'll show you."

        By now, his grin was ear to ear.  He could barely contain his excitement.  Bob pulled out his Coca-Cola bottle and began twisting the hole-riddled cap off.  And then, in a rage of cold air and thunder, Crypha roared into the quickly starting brawl.

        "Hello Bob!" shouted Crypha over the massacre.  "How's it going?"

        "As you can see," he yelled back, breaking a bottle over a hairy man's head.  "Not too perfect."

        "Well, you're still... hold on a second!" she said, quickly proceeding to shock several patrons into unconsciousness.

Mega Man
Hm, what's that called when you just shove in a lame, out-of-nowhere copout so you don't have to put any effort into writing a scene?

Oh yeah.  A Deus ex Machina.

        "Still what??"

Zero X. Diamond
A demented, unlikable psychopath who kills without provocation for no clear reason!

        "Cute as ever!"

        "Gee," he replied, flipping a table over, protecting him from an incoming bottle.  "Thanks.  You know, you never out rightly called me 'cute' before!"

        "Yeah, well, a good bar brawl always loosens my tongue a bit!"

        "Really now!"

        "Yeah, kind of a psycholo... thing!"

        "I think we can quit yelling now!"

        Crypha blinked.


        "Because everyone's out like a light."

        That they were.  Unconscious barflies were flung about everywhere.  Blood spattered various objects involved in the fight.  Crypha was smiling insanely, giggling in her schoolgirl way.  Bob smiled.

Spoony Spoonicus
Wait, why's he chasing after Sandra when he's had another giggling murder-happy psychopath in his pocket the whole time?

Zero X. Diamond
You know what they say: don't put your dick in crazy.  Particularly if the crazy is made of frigid electrified mist.

        "Good to be fighting again, isn't it Crypha?"

        She inhaled the air deeply.

Zero X. Diamond
Wait, she's made of frigid electrified mist... and she breathes?  What?  Why?

        "Yep, gets the blood pumping.  And there's always the smell of victory!"

        Bob sniffed the air.

        "Smells like alcohol and blood to me."

        "Invigorating, isn't it?"

Spoony Spoonicus
If this turns into a porn scene, I'm out of here.

        Bob looked at her, a little bit of confusion in his eyes.

        "So, uh, you want something to eat, or...?"

Zero X. Diamond
 Is he asking her out on a date?

        "Nope, nope.  I'm fine."

        "You... wanna go back in the bottle?"

        "Sounds good to me... but first... hee hee hee..."

        Bob looked at her, then her outstretched arms.  He slapped his forehead.  By now, he knew what that meant.  She wanted to give him a hug.  An electrically shocking hug.

        "Oh geez... fine." he sighed.

        You'd think I'd be used to it by now...

        Her misty arms wrapped around him.  Waves of electricity blasted through him.  You could hear the shocks for several yards surrounding the bar.  When it stopped, Bob was lying on the ground and Crypha was back in her bottle.

Mega Man
And when Batman pulled him out of the wreckage, there was nothing left but a charred skeleton with bulging cartoon eyes.  THE END!
Zero X. Diamond
This story makes me want to make my way to the bottom of a bottle.  No, not alcohol.  Rat poison.