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1/30/2016

The Death of a Hedgehog

1991


"It's no Mario, but it's a decent alternative."

1992-1995


"Standard sequels.  Still no Mario, DKC or Yoshi's Island, but they're fun games to play and have some fantastic music."

 


"DO NOT WANT"

1997


The Sega crowd waits two long years for a new Sonic game and... they get a shitty racer.

1999


"It's not very good, but they'll do better next time."

2000


"Okay, another bad spinoff.  They have to do better with the next real game in the series.  ...Right?"

2001


Nope!  Now featuring that "dark and edgy" Sonic recolor you doodled in your math book in 3rd grade.  

2003

The downward slide begins in earnest.


'Nuff said.

2005


The franchise becomes a cynical parody of itself.  Sadly the fanboys are too blinded by nostalgia and brand loyalty to notice.

2006


The series reaches a new low with a rushed, sloppy and self-indulgent turd that misses the bowl.  Even the character's original creators want nothing to do with him anymore at this point...

2008


The franchise becomes a cynical parody of itself.  Again.

2010



A cynical, lazy throwback game that falls to pieces due to terrible physics, retreaded levels and somehow having buggier collision detection than Bubsy.


A promising turnaround with a somewhat unpolished, but surprisingly decent game, helped by some fresh mechanics that expand upon the gameplay's one-note "hold forward to win" stratagem.

2011


Out of ideas after Colors, Sonic Team falls back on a desperate and lazy "remember the good old days?" homage game that brings nothing new or interesting to the table.  Except collision bugs aplenty and terrible physics, of course.

2012-2013


The franchise officially reaches the level of "irredeemable dreck" as Sonic Team begs for the sweet release of death.

2014


Sonic... who?

2018


(Source)

Sega salts the earth; no matter how much of an alleged "comeback" Sonic makes with his latest game, it is now officially impossible to see or even think of him without triggering a gag reflex.

Every single nostalgia-pandering retread game that sells slightly higher than the usual Sonic dreck gets lauded as exactly this, and it's never, ever been true.  He's not a 'gaming icon' and his games were never some amazing, untouchable masterpieces of the genre; he's a fad on par with Pogs or Tomagotchi whose fifteen minutes were up two decades ago, and the fact that you keep buying every lame, halfassed attempt at a 'revival' hoping to return to some confabulated golden age of gaming is an indictment of your own stupidity, not Sega's.  That's the truth; deal with it, fanboys.