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7/24/2015

It Was Better When (Final Fantasy X / Grandia II)

Final Fantasy X was better when it was called "Grandia II".

The story follows an egotistical hipster douchebag with spiky hair...


Who becomes bodyguard to a priestess...


Who possesses a monstrous power within...


and they begin a journey to find an ultimate weapon...


in order to combat a nearly omnipotent evil force plaguing their world.


Over the course of their adventure they befriend a cute blonde ostracized from society at large for their clan's beliefs...


and a quiet yet kind beast-man...


and fight several of the big bad's minions.


Along the way there is much talk of the hero's rotten family member.


He is eventually revealed to be corrupted by the big bad, and the hero eventually confronts and defeats him to settle a long-standing grudge.


Eventually one of the church's agents is revealed to be an insane zealot...


which soon unfolds into the entire church being corrupt at its core...


and enacting a nihilistic plan to bring about the end of all life...


...which the priestess was an unwitting pawn in, as their "dark powers" are key to sustaining the big bad's existence.


The plot twists again when another character is revealed to be privy to the ultimate truth behind the nature of the game's events...


and reveals that the "big bad" and the "ultimate good" are one and the same, and the product of ancient man's hubris to boot.


The hero then finds the power to confront the big bad on equal terms through a particularly corny anime trope...


the group enters his body...


Inside, they confront the corrupted clergymen with delusions of godhood...


...and bring salvation and eternal happiness to the world overnight.  An extremely realistic depiction of what would occur if an entire world's belief system and governmental body were completely and inexorably shattered, I'm sure.  Every militant atheist I've ever spoken to says that's exactly how it'll go down, and they must be right because the braindead lapdogs they've bullied trained into mindlessly parroting their life philosophy back to them on command all say so too!  And if they're in the "majority" in a vicious hate-fueled dogpile on anyone who ever questions them argument, that means they're always right!  So you'd best lie down, roll over and start kissing their asshole from here until doomsday, because it's only a matter of time before all of their self-righteous masturbation on Facebook pays off and they finally get recognized as the Ubermensch and put on a pedestal for the whole world to worship and obey without question.  And when that day comes, the first ones on the gallows will be anyone who ever told them they were wrong about anything!
Boy, who would have guessed that the one true path to enlightenment was dropping out of college after two semesters of majoring in partying, working the same thankless minimum wage retail job for fifteen years and never getting that promotion you "deserve" because your NPD and the Dunning-Kruger effect prevent you from realizing you're a mediocre, self-absorbed, miserable fucking asshole who treats his friends and family like shit?
Oh, and the priestess character arbitrarily decides to become a musician at the end.


...though to Elena's credit, she at least spares us the agony of an unbelievably shitty sequel with herself in the starring role where she is strongly implied to be in an incestuous relationship with her cousin.

So there you have it.