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6/26/2015

Floopy Dank Oot, Part 5

 FSG dodged quickly!

               FSG muttered "2..."

Zero X. Diamond
... turtle... doves...

               Bubble Monkey ran away. (to get some gum!)

Zero X. Diamond
Thanks for nothing, Bubble Monkey.

               Jinto and Jimtech used a combination attack!
               FSG took 50 HP damage!
               FSG took 35 HP damage!

               FSG whispered

Zero X. Diamond
"... and a partridge... in a pear tree..."


"1..."

Clobberpuppy
SINGULAR SENSATION, EVERY SINGLE STEP YOU TAKE!


               Zero Diamond is on guard.

               Sofanaz attacked... just missed!

               FSG whispered "0..."
               FSG invoked the Blue Screen of Death!

Zero X. Diamond
This is a really funny joke.  Ha ha ha.  Ha ha.  Ha.


               Dr. Andonuts took 300 HP damage!  Dr. Andonuts could not stop crying!
               Zero Diamond took 300 HP damage!  Zero Diamond could not stop crying!
               Sofanaz took 300 HP damage!  Sofanaz could not stop crying!
               Jinto took 300 HP damage!  Jinto could not stop crying!
               Jimtech took 300 HP damage!  Jimtech could not stop crying!

Spoony Spoonicus
These guys would be driven to suicide by Windows Vista, I think.


               The battle to save Foppy from the Foppy-seeking Gun continued while Bubble Monkey was somewhere else, getting bubble gum...

---

                    Dr. Andonuts threw a wrench at Skippy.
                    Skippy took 20 HP damage.
                    Skippy ran away crying.
                    FSG stopped working.

Zero X. Diamond
What a climactic ending to this fight to end all fights!

               YOU WON!!!
               Everyone gained 150 exp.
               Dr. Andonuts gained a level
               Agility went up by 2.
               I.Q. went up by 5.

Spoony Spoonicus
Ironic because the IQ of the people who read this story steadily drops!


               Offense went up by 5.
               Defense went up by 4.
               Oh, baby!
               HP rose by 22.

Zero X. Diamond
Hackles up by 14!
Dander up by 9!
DOW Jones rose by 23!


               The Captain was enraged at this latest development, as was shown by his cry, "Death to Foppies and their friends!!"
             
Zero X. Diamond
I dunno, that's kinda ambiguous.  I'm not ready to assume that he's enraged.


                 The Enraged Captain attacked!
                 The Enraged Capt. used cutlass.

Spoony Spoonicus
Did all seaship captains still carry those at the end of the 20th century?


                 Dr. Andonuts took 100 HP of damage.
                 Bubble Monkey appeared.
                 BM used Bubble Breath.
                 EC took 30 HP of damage.

Spoony Spoonicus
They really took advantage of that buildup!


                 EC pulled out a gun and fired.
                 Everyone took 300 HP of mortal damage!

Zero X. Diamond
This is how it ends for our intrepid heroes: fatally gutshot by an insane ship's captain.


                 Foppy and Rockwell jumped on board.
                 EC attacked F&R...

Spoony Spoonicus
While AT&T and MCI prepared to do battle over the poor PR of AOL and the ASPCA while the NAACP looked on in horror.


---

               ...but missed!

Zero X. Diamond
No way, Foppy!  You might still be the main character, but you're not stealing my thunder by being the hero!!


               Zero Diamond got enraged... and his body armor began changing!
               "I hate Foppy-hating Captains of strange ships that I don't even remember getting on!" he roared.

Zero X. Diamond
Is this a joke?  If not, what is it?  I'm pretty confused.


               Zero Diamond became Super Star Zero Diamond Level 2!

Spoony Spoonicus
Omega super hyper turbo edition!


               SSZXD used Gravity Suplex!
               The Enraged Captain instantly fainted from SSZXD's mighty blow!

Zero X. Diamond
Once again, after all others have failed, Zero Diamond bravely steps forward and ends a fight in a single blow.


               "The ship has no pilot!" Dr. Andonuts cried in realization.

Zero X. Diamond
Good job, idiot.


 "Egad he's right!" Jimtech shrieked. The ship began jerking wildly out of control and knocked everybody unconscious from thwacking their heads on the bulkheads.

               Later... the boat had crashed far from it's destination. The gang was deserted somewhere in... *gasp* a desert in Zero's Homeland!

Zero X. Diamond
Despite falling out of my mind quest, you're STILL going on an adventure of my choosing.  Foppy is the main character, but I make the rules.


There was no boats where he lived except small ones that were dangerous to operate and the wreckage had floated out to sea...

Zero X. Diamond
See, you're shanghaied.  No way back.  Just sit back and accept your fate; this is a Zero Diamond adventure now.

they were in deep crud... deep deep crud...

Zero X. Diamond
And you WILL put up with juvenile shit like this.

             
---

                "Where are we?" Foppy asked, "Who are we?  Oh, wait now I remember, so never mind."
               "We're in my homeland," ZXD said.

Spoony Spoonicus
Molvania?


               "Then how do we get to Winters from here?" Dr. Andonuts asked, "Jeff is probably worried sick about me and has wet his bed."
               "I'm afraid we must walk," came ZXD's reply, "So let's get cracking."

Zero X. Diamond
They have a level of technology at their fingertips capable of creating the world's smartest, strongest roboman, yet they're so far behind on vehicles that there are no seaworthy boats and they have to walk to another country?

 
               So the group began their trek to Winters...

Spoony Spoonicus
A desert located next to Winters.  Right.


---

               Nearby...
               "Hmm! My motorboat was wrecked, and so was the ship I was following! I'll never find those dudes with the Foppy! Not with these weak feet thrusters!" shouted OS.  In his rage, he became his evil self, currently with the same stats as OS, Mankey Boy!

Zero X. Diamond
Wait, what?  I thought OS was the Pokemonstrosity from earlier.  Now Mankey Boy is the evil one?  Huh?


               "I'm gonna find those dudes and kill Zero Diamond!

Zero X. Diamond
 Pfft, fat chance.  He'll be back within an hour.


I'll make sure that they don't break the rules of this story.

Zero X. Diamond
Says the Pokemon.

Spoony Spoonicus
You've been doing a fantastic job so far.


I'm logging to post on the web!"

Angry Video Game Nerd
I'm gonna post a log of shit on your head if you don't shut up!

Zero X. Diamond
I'm gonna post on the "ZXD HATE CLUB" forums about how filled with impotent rage I am!  Rachettinello and Sigma will back me up on this!

 Mankey Boy said. His right hand shook, and hit his head!

Zero X. Diamond
Uh, what?  Did an unethical surgeon replace his right hand with the hand of a serial killer or something?  Why is he hitting himself?

MB fell into the water and became OS again.  OS found the boat wreckage and some footprints. He began to slowly follow them, so he doesn't startle Foppy's gang.

 ---

               Foppy nervously looked around himself. "Well, so this is a desert? Don't we need 'survival skills' to walk through a desert?"

Spoony Spoonicus
Nah, you just take a little HP damage if you don't.  It's survivable.

Zero X. Diamond
If so, we're in trouble, since we're barely able to walk through a densely populated city without falling apart.


 he queried. Foppy, having lived in a factory all his life, had no idea how to handle new terrain.

               Sofanaz, looking up at Foppy from petting Carsanquay, noted, "Amazing. I have never met anyone as homely as yourself. Perhaps I would have been raised as yourself... oh, I dread that scenario..."

Zero X. Diamond
Fucking WOW.  Call the guy ugly, then insult his upbringing.  Nice, Sofanaz.  You're a good guy.

Spoony Spoonicus
This character just gets more endearing by the minute!


               Sofanaz paused a moment in thought, then continued, "Yes, but we must get to Winters. This is a desert, correct? Well, all deserts have an oasis, regardless of any other circumstances.

Zero X. Diamond
 I uh... I don't think that's expressly true?


And most oases have towns. Thusly..." Sofanaz then closed his eyes and pointed west. Off in the distance, the party members could see a desert outpost town.

               Zero Diamond nodded in that direction. "Yes, that was a town I new in my youth. Many of my friends grew up in that town; many a time I would go there to meet them."

Zero X. Diamond
I remember it fondly.  Here in Zero's Homeland, I often visited that town.  That town is one of the greatest in the world, let alone in Zero's Homeland.

Spoony Spoonicus
This is like a Mad Libs make-your-own-RPG, except nobody bothered to fill in any of the blanks.



               The group started walking off towards the town. Zero Diamond led the way across the dunes he knew so well and before long, the desert town in the middle of the oasis was only 100 meters away. It looked like everything was going to work after all...

               *KAI KAI KAI KAI!!!*

               A great war cry was suddenly heard and a figure jumped out from behind a sand dune.

               *KAI KAI KAI!*

               It was a Great Crested Booka, covered in war paint!

Zero X. Diamond
They have technology enough to teach animals how to use war cries and paint, but not to make a seaworthy boat.


               Great Crested Booka attacked!

Spoony Spoonicus
Most advanced robotics technology in the world, but constantly beset by deadly dinosaur raids.


               Foppy used the Foppy Flamethrower!
               Great Crested Booka took 100 HP damage!

               Dr. Andonuts used a wrench attack!
               Great Crested Booka took 50 HP damage!

               Great Crested Booka charged forward!
               Foppy took a mortal blow!
               Foppy went unconscious!

Zero X. Diamond
Uh, you do realize that a "mortal" blow means it's the kind that outright kills you, right?


               "Whoa," Zero Diamond thought as he admired the powerful attack, "Something's not right here."

Zero X. Diamond
"I'm supposed to be the only one who can beat somebody with one hit!"


               Zero Diamond used the Hand Cannon!
               Just missed!

               Great Crested Booka let loose a shrill war cry!
               *SHRIEK!!!*
               Zero Diamond's guts went down by 5!

               Great Crested Booka ran away!

               ---

               After the battle, Zero Diamond knelt over in pain.

Zero X. Diamond
You... nothing even hit you.  You took no damage.

Spoony Spoonicus
"Curse you, IBS!"


 Jinto & Jimtech knelt over to look at him. Zero Diamond noticed their distress, and stood up. "It is nothing," he said, "Just... urg... just the sonic pitch of the Booka's war cry. It disrupted my inner crystal... err... nevermind.

Zero X. Diamond
The war cry did something to my thing I've never mentioned before but now I want you to forget I said anything.


 Let's get on with this." The group quickly reassembled itself, Bubble Monkey started chewing on a fresh stick of gum,

Spoony Spoonicus
And shortly thereafter got strangled to death because he wouldn't stop popping it


and the party soon arrived at the oasis town.

               When they got there, they found a little rat scampering around, apparently looking for someone. It turned and looked at Foppy's party, noticing Dr. Andonuts. His eyes brightened and the mouse rushed forward.

               "Good afternoon, Dr. Andonuts. I am a mouse that has no name.

Zero X. Diamond
Clint Eastwood's greatest role.


 I am Apple Kid's mouse... do you know Apple Kid?  He called you on the phone, telling you that we were coming out to Winters to meet you.

Zero X. Diamond
Do you know him?  Because either way, he knows you, your phone number, and your home address.


Apple Kid and I went to Winters to look for you, but your lab was, oddly, destroyed. Suddenly, a bunch of Starmen kidnapped Apple Kid. Ness the hero came along and shut the Starmen down.

Zero X. Diamond
So exactly like I joked, Ness was back in Winters while they were fucking around in Summers.

Spoony Spoonicus
So much for this being an interquel.


Apple Kid then went off to Saturn Valley with one of the Mr. Saturns to work on some Phase Distorter invention. I got lost along the way... ahem. Anyway, I believe the two of them could use your help.

Zero X. Diamond
How many times have we changed the premise of Foppy's quest?  Is it in the double digits yet?


We could get to Saturn Valley with the aid of this Skyrunner I reassembled from the remnants of your lab,

Zero X. Diamond
Wait, wait, wait.  What?  Seriously?  A rat reassembled the Skyrunner?

What, did he stand on a Cave Boy's head and steer him by the hair Ratatouille style?

but some clan of Crested Bookas has, with their war cries, disrupted the signaling on the Skyrunner, which caused me to crash here.

Spoony Spoonicus
Gotta be careful of them War Crimes.


 I can't get the Skyrunner working again until someone does something about these Bookas.  Dr. Andonuts, I would appreciate you coming to Saturn Valley. And I can take your friends wherever they need to go, too.

Zero X. Diamond
Oh, I see what's going on here.  You're trying to write Dr. Andonuts out of the story!  Well, don't do that!  You'll be removing one of the few remaining tenuous ties to Earthbound!


I have the Skyrunner lodged in that hotel over there." the mouse dictated, then pointed to a nearby building.

               "Winters... we can finally get to Winters..." Foppy thought to himself.

               But suddenly, Apple Kid's mouse's speech was interrupted by a startling war cry. The inhabitants of the oasis town ran for cover, as did Apple Kid's mouse. Screeching, a hoard of Crested and Great Crested Bookas stampeded into town...

 ---            

                    Foppy and co. confronted GCB A-Z.
                    Foppy used PSI Earthquake B.
                    GCB A-Z suffered 30 HP of damage each.
                    GCB A screeched
                    GBC B screeched...
                    GBC Z screeched
                    It had no effect on the group.
                    Jimtech used PSI Fire B.
                    GCB A-Z took 100 HP of damage each.
                    GCB A-Y ran away.
                    Dr. Andonuts used the Death Ray.
                    GCB Z took 300 HP of damage.
                    GCB Z became tame.


               YOU WON!!!
               Foppy and co. gained 300 exp. each.
               "Well, they aren't so tough," Foppy noted.

Spoony Spoonicus
Yeah, lasering their heads off tends to make them more compliant.


               "Actually, I think they were just off guard," Dr. Andonuts announced.

Zero X. Diamond
You have no idea what you're talking about, Foppy.  Leave the strategic analysis to the scientists.

               "Doctor," AK's mouse began, "we must hurry to Saturn Valley."
               "I'm afraid not," the doctor began his reply, "These people need our help, you run along and wait in Saturn Valley. We'll arrive when the time comes. However, Mr. Foppy, ZXD, Jimtech and Jinto, Sofenez, Rockwell, Bubble Monkey, and I must stay here to fight!"
               "Don't forget me!" OmegaSpeedy chimed in.

Zero X. Diamond
No, guys, please do.  Please forget him immediately.


 He had arrived during the doctor’s last statement, "I was attacked by 25 of those things, but they were all injured so I beat them all up.

Spoony Spoonicus
"I'm a cool character, honest!"


Now, what are we to do about the rest of these guys?"
               "Well," ______ began...

---

               "Well," Sofanaz began, "An intelligent, semi-social bird race such as the Booka would definitely need a refuge of some sort in this desert. The Booka leader would probably live in this fortification. Once the leader is exterminated, the rest should be easy.

Zero X. Diamond
I know who Sofanaz reminds me of: John Agar, the man who played nothing but know-it-all scientists.


 However, I do not know much about this territory and where to find such a refuge..."

               Zero Diamond smiled and responded, "I know of a cave about five miles northeast of here... yes, about five miles.

Zero X. Diamond
Yeah... definitely five miles... a cave... five miles...


 I'm sure the Booka would enjoy living there, so it's a good guess. We can probably go there right now if we want..."

               Foppy looked at the sun, and determined it was about 4:30 PM.

Zero X. Diamond
Foppy can tell time by the sun?  I thought he had absolutely no idea how the outside world worked!


 He sighed for a moment, then griped, "If we have to go defeat a bunch of Booka, can't we... well... eat something first? Maybe get some sleep?  Ah... yes... wonderful sleep... uhm... please?"

Zero X. Diamond
Sleeping is really the only thing that Foppy excels at.


               So the party went to the cheapest inn in town, the "Stubborn Llama." Taking advantage of their rest break, the gang played many board games and told long, probably fictitious stories to each other.

Spoony Spoonicus
Hopefully a lot better than this one.


It wasn't long before the group had supper and went to bed. The entire party got the "Adventurer's Suite" room, which had enough room for all of them. It was almost comfortable.

               --- Later that night... ---

               *** KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK ***

               *** KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK ***

               Foppy abruptly awakened from his sleep, hearing the loud noise. Wanting to know what was disturbing him from peaceful rest, Foppy left his room and walked out into the hall. He heard voices coming from the check-out counter in the front, so he stood still and tried to make out what they were saying:

               "... Mr. Poochyfud!  Mr. Poochyfud!  The Bookas... they... (gasp)... are coming!"

Spoony Spoonicus
"Thanks, Paul Revere."


               "Shh! Don't call me that. I don't want anybody to know that I closed down Chaos Theater to open up this place.

Zero X. Diamond
He closed down his lucrative theater in a busy suburban area to open up a cheap inn for adventurers in a shitty desert town in Zero's Homeland.  Is this guy stupid?


But anyway, Padro, why do you think the Bookas are coming? They never show up at night."

               "Padro was riding along in the desert on Padro’s donkey, wandering around for no apparent reason.

Spoony Spoonicus
Zero diamond hails from Venezuela, apparently.


Suddenly, Padro hear great big noise, lots of shrieking. Padro look and see army of Booka, maybe hundred strong, marching towards town! So Padro run back to town on donkey and come tell Mr. Poochyfud. Then Mr. Poochyfud ask Padro how he knows the Booka are coming. So Padro say..."

Zero X. Diamond
Wow, the stupid "retelling the parts of the story that just happened" gag AND a cringeworthy Mexican stereotype?  This story's finally going places!


               "All right, that's quite enough. Now, if we pretend this conversation didn't happen, I can go back to sleep and kick you out on the street."

Zero X. Diamond
"I'd rather go to sleep than worry about saving people's lives, or even stopping my place of business from being destroyed."


               Foppy then heard the sound of a shoe kicking someone's behind out onto the street.

               Foppy rushed into the party's room and woke everyone up, much to their displeasure. He told them that the Bookas were coming to invade. Groggily, everyone armed themselves and left the inn, putting their money on the counter.

               "If that Foppy is wrong..." Dr. Andonuts grumbled, "well... oh, it's just not fair! I was having the most wonderful dream about doughnuts!"

Zero X. Diamond
You need help.  This addiction is out of hand.


               Without much ado, the gang was soon lost in the desert, without a trace of any Bookas. Everyone was about to slaughter Foppy

Spoony Spoonicus
Our heroes!


when they heard a horrible shrieking sound.

               *** KAI AI AI AI AI!!! ***

               Quickly, on the horizon, a squad of Bookas appeared, marching over the desert sand.  They must have been a thousand strong, and some of them appeared to be armed.  And the vile creatures were marching right in the direction of the party!

Zero X. Diamond
Oh no!  What are they going to do?


---

               However, they were surprised as the Bookas just passed them by!

Zero X. Diamond
Ahhh, a lame cop-out.  Thanks, story!


               "What the hay?!" Foppy wondered,

Zero X. Diamond
Hay is for horses.


" How could they miss a scientist, an Armored Frog, a cyborg, a monkey, a Psychic Psycho, a Black Antoid, a robot, and a Foppy?!" It was then that they noticed that they couldn't see each other, even though there was a full moon!
               "You are brave but foolhardy, unlikely heroes," a mysterious voice spoke from the darkness, then a black enshrouded figure stepped out of the shadows,

Zero X. Diamond
Oooooh, so dark and cool and mysterious.


 "I am Shadow Knight, or as I am better known, Chris Stanford.

Spoony Spoonicus
It's a LARPer!  Run away!

Zero X. Diamond
I am generic and obvious pseudonym, but here's my real name in case you wanted to know my secret identity.


You were lucky I was here when I was, for I used my power to make people invisible to do so to you.

Zero X. Diamond
Such janky sentence structure here...


I will now remove it," and he did.

Zero X. Diamond
"I'll do a thing," he said while doing a thing.


               "The Bookas are strong, and I should know, for I too have been fighting them. However, my friend, Lynda was injured by them, so I now am stuck in this form until they are destroyed."

Spoony Spoonicus
The form of a 36-year-old unemployed manchild who lives with his parents!


               "Why?" ZXD asked, interested in this being who could transform too.
               "I don't know why and I don't know how,

Zero X. Diamond
Of course.  Handwave another plot point away.  It's not like you could say literally anything and have that be the reason.


but I must retrieve the tail feather of the Booka leader to revive Lynda. I was wondering if you guys would aid me in my quest?"

Zero X. Diamond
Yet another stupid fork in the road.  Not that the road was really going anywhere, but still...


               "Sure," _____ began, "but...

---

               "..." Zero tried to continue but suddenly, a huge rumble interrupted him. Confused, everybody was looking around, trying to see what it was.

Zero X. Diamond
 Everyone's confused.  They have the collective memory of a sea sponge.


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