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5/16/2015

Floppy's Big Gay Bout, Part 4

"Morning, good fellow! Considering how much money Summers food costs, I decided to cook up some of my survival kit..."

Zero X. Diamond
"I also boiled Dr. Andonuts' shoes!"

 Sofanaz pointed to his mess of scrambled eggs, biscuits, and canned fruit juice.

Zero X. Diamond
He'd poured it all in a bucket, mashed it together, and thrown gobs of it all around the room in order to assure it was the perfect mess.


Jimtech looked over at the meal and shook his head. "Boys, I desire pasta this morning. It's my favorite food, you know. Good stuff, pasta is.

Zero X. Diamond
Yep, definitely feel like some pasta.  Love me a good pasta.  Ask me what my favorite food is, and I'll answer you--without hesitation--that it is indeed pasta.  Pasta I like and would like to pasta time.  Pasta pasta pasta.  Pasta.


Do you happen to have any of that, Sir Frog?"

Sofanaz looked through his survival pack and shook his head.

Zero X. Diamond
"Nope, I cooked the entire pack.  Nothing left to check."

 "I'm sorry, Jimtech. None. However, if you really want it, I believe we may have enough money to spare a dish of Pasta di Summers... you have the money, don't you, Foppy?"

"I thought I gave Jimtech the money."

Jimtech, startled, replied, "I thought I gave Jinto the money."

Jinto worriedly replied, "No, I gave the money to Bubble Monkey.

Bubble Monkey spoke up, "And I gave the money back to you."

Zero X. Diamond
Wait, hold the fucking phone: Bubble Monkey can talk??  Since the fuck when????


"Ah yes! You're right! Then I gave you the money, Foppy!"

Foppy replied, "I thought I gave you the money!"

"No, I gave you the money."

"Uhm..."

Spoony Spoonicus
"We still have two pages left to fill with absolutely nothing!  Think of something to say, quick!"


Zero Diamond interjected, "No, I remember clearly. Jinto gave Foppy the money."

Zero X. Diamond
Always has to have the final word...

Spoony Spoonicus
This is why you designate a financier for the party.  That way if your money suddenly vanishes, you only have one person to blame!


All eyes in the room turned to Foppy. "Oh yes! You're right! I do have the money!" And then Foppy reached into his backpack and searched. And searched. And searched. "Uhm... oh dear... perhaps I lost it?"

Everybody searched the room over, looking for money.

Zero X. Diamond
Evidently they expected to just kind of find money tucked into air vents or taped to the backs of pictures?

Mayor Mike Haggar
They'd be better off punching oil drums and expecting a gold bar to fall out.


Everyone started getting mad at Foppy for losing the money, but suddenly, Sofanaz spoke up. "Guys, I believe I have a solution. Some of the money Foppy had was mine. During my adventuring before I joined all of you, I went to a laboratory and had my possessions treated with a special, mildly radioactive carbon isotope.

Zero X. Diamond
Of course!  Deus Ex Machina Laboratories, where convenient plot contrivances are made!


It was an experiment regarding finding remote controls when they got lost under couches.

Zero X. Diamond
With jokes like this, I'm growing more and more convinced that Sofanaz's author was an elderly Jewish woman.


 With this Geiger counter," and then Sofanaz pulled a handheld Geiger counter out of his backpack, "we should be able to trace the location of the money. So Sofanaz turned the machine on.

Zero X. Diamond
Strangely, it just led them to a metallic, hypersexualized hive of alien creatures.  Whoops!  Looks like they were using a Giger counter by mistake!


*Blip, blip, blip*

The device showed the location of the money was outside the room. In fact, it was outside the hotel.

Spoony Spoonicus
That's a hell of a lot of range for a Geiger counter.


The gang quickly wolfed down their breakfast and left the hotel. Fortunately their rooms were prepaid. Eventually the gang left Toto and went on to Summers. The Geiger counter led them to a store with the generic name "Shop" imprinted above its door.

Zero X. Diamond
Essentially the same as "Chinese Bootleg Mart".


They entered and found...

Stuart Ashen
Popstations!  Popstations everywhere!

Zero X. Diamond
... brand name merchandise at low, low prices!


---

...Al Everdred buying tickets to see the Runaway 5!

Spoony Spoonicus
This is an Earthbound story, honest!  Have another jackhammered in Earthbound character to prove it!

---

"Okay buddy," Foppy began, "where did you get that money?"

Zero X. Diamond
"That's entirely none of your business," he replied.


"Ummmm... inheritance," Everdred said hesitantly.

"Well, we shall find out for sure right now," Sofanaz stated, right before checking the money with the Geiger counter. The machine didn't detect a thing. As the group began to leave, Dr. Andonuts shouted, "Wait, that guy in the Hawaiian shirt, the machine clicked a bit more when it pointed to him! He is the thief!"

Zero X. Diamond
This is a mildly radioactive witch hunt.


The group confronted the Guy with Bad Taste.

Foppy used PSI Fire A.

Spoony Spoonicus
The guy steals some money from you, so you light him on fire.  These guys are officially on par with mob enforcers.

Our heroes, ladies and gentlemen!

GwBT's cheap shirt caught on fire.

GwBT gave the group their money and ran off crying.

Zero X. Diamond
And yet another character is introduced, defeated with one punch, and ejected from the story.  Quality story writing!

Spoony Spoonicus
I just love when stories set up a mystery, immediately make it bunk by telling us that the culprit is none of the immediate suspects, and then they solve it through a contrived deus ex machina, rendering the whole chapter entirely pointless.  A+ writing there.

YOU WON!!!

Foppy and co. gained 100 exp each.

Dr. Andonuts gained a level.

IQ went up by 3.

Agility went up by 1.

Oh, baby!!

HP went up by 20.

The group gathered up their cash and left the store...

Spoony Spoonicus
With that pointless diversion over, it was time for them to get back to doing a whole lot of fuck-all.

---

...Foppy and his friends left the store, happy to have their money back. Sofanaz counted up the money; all of it was there. "Well, I believe we can get out of Summers now... if Ness is in Winters, we'll have to get there quickly.

Zero X. Diamond
Otherwise, we'll get there and find out that he's gone back to Summers!

Spoony Spoonicus
Are we ever going to explain why they think Ness has some stake in this dumb little adventure of theirs, or what?

 Toto should have a boat that can take us to Winters. We'd better be..." Sofanaz was cut off when he heard a very loud meow.

Sofanaz looked up and saw a cat on the shop's roof. It looked like one of Toto's cats - it was mostly black but had a white head and it was extremely fuzzy. "Mew?" it sounded, before jumping off the building. Foppy and the rest of the party panicked, maneuvering around, trying to catch the falling kitty. But the cat knew what she was doing, and landed on Sofanaz's backpack.

"Well, aren't you the bold one?" Sofanaz mused.

Zero X. Diamond
No, Leslie Nielsen and Hari Rhodes were The Bold Ones.


The cat purred and rubbed her face against Sofanaz's shoulder. She then meowed and climbed into his backpack.

"Hmm... I suppose she wants to come along. Maybe it's the animal food I have in my pack?

Zero X. Diamond
Animal Food: When you want to feed something that isn't human, but you're not quite sure what!


Oh well, if you're coming with us, cat, you'll need a name. How about Carsanquay?

Zero X. Diamond
That's not a fucking name!  It's even less of a name than goddamn Sofanaz!


Does that suit you?

The cat popped its fuzzy head out of Sofanaz's backpack and purred.

"Then Carsanquay it is!" Sofanaz laughed as Carsanquay climbed into his backpack again.

Zero X. Diamond
So we're cool with just kind of stealing somebody's pet?  Because by your own admission, you think it only jumped down to steal your generic brand animal food.

The group reorganized itself and headed for Toto...

---

Foppy suddenly felt very depressed and left out, so he left the gang and walked back to Summers.

Zero X. Diamond
He visited the doctor at the hospital and got a prescription for Zoloft.


Then he met up with Brick Road, who was vacationing at the time.

"Hello Foppy! What wrong?" asked Brickroad.

Spoony Spoonicus
"Playing seventh fiddle to a bunch of terrible Mary Sues really gets you down."

Zero X. Diamond
Judging by his grammar, Brickroad is obviously a Cave Boy Junior who's traveling with Brick Road.


"Oh, I'm so scared and depressed. Could I sleep with you for the night please?" asked Foppy.

Zero X. Diamond
Uh, how do these two know each other?  How did Foppy know he was in Summers?  Why is he delivering awkward, stilted dialogue from an incest manga?

"Well... okay. Are you going somewhere special?" asked Brickroad.

"Yes, I am going to Winters, but first I need to meet up with my friends…" said Foppy.

Zero X. Diamond
So are you abandoning them to have sex with Brick Road's caveman pal or continuing your adventure??  Make up your mind!!


"Really? Why don't you wait here, because Rockwell is coming over here to show me the map of my future maze namely Dungeon Man!" said Brick Road with a smile on his face.

Zero X. Diamond
Who the hell is Rockwell??  Stop doing all this random shit like we should understand any of it, story!!


"How would he help me?" asked Foppy.

"Well, he has a way to get into Winters, because he practically has a map for every single place... except Moonside, Magicant, and The Past..." said Brickroad.

Zero X. Diamond
HOW DO YOU KNOW ABOUT MOONSIDE, MAGICANT, AND THE CAVE OF THE PAST???


Foppy settled in for the night. The next morning. Foppy woke up and saw a teenager talking with Mr. Brickroad.

"Okay, this is how you want it?" asked the teenager.

Zero X. Diamond
"No, I can't keep loving you like this.  I've found another."


"Yes, that's fine, thank you Rockwell. Oh, I would like you to meet someone." said Brick Road.

Foppy came out of hiding.

"This Foppy here is Foppy and he would like to go to Summers.

Zero X. Diamond
 What the... you're... YOU'RE ALREADY FUCKING IN SUMMERS!!  WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU STUPID ASSHOLES???


Could you help him?" asked Brickroad.

"Hmm... Sure." said Rockwell in approval.

Spoony Spoonicus
"We're here.  Done!  That'll be $600 please."


---

So the two set out for Toto and the others. But by the time they got there, the boat had left.

Zero X. Diamond
Wow, what a surprise!  The boat that they were booking to leave on yesterday afternoon had already left by the next morning!


"Well, I guess we missed the boat," Foppy said, trying to crack a joke.

While Rockwell tried to find someone else to get Foppy to Winters, someone slipped up behind Foppy and grabbed him!

"Heh, heh, heh. I at last have my own slave,

Zero X. Diamond
Somebody else wants to fuck Foppy!?

a personal Fo-!" The Kidnapper began to say before Foppy used PSI Fire A.

Foppy confronted the Kidnapper.

Foppy used PSI Flash A.

Kidnapper began feeling strange.

Kidnapper felt strange.

Kidnapper swung a blow.

Kidnapper hit himself.

Kidnapper took 20 HP of damage.

Foppy used PSI Beam r.

Kidnapper took 100 HP of damage.

Kidnapper became tame.

YOU WON!!

Foppy gained 10 exp.

Spoony Spoonicus
You'd think enemies with less power than the mooks from Onett would know better than to go around picking fights with others who are much stronger than them.

...And given that it's Earthbound, they actually do!

After the Former Kidnapper apologized, Foppy went to find Rockwell...

Mayor Mike Haggar
Yet another arbitrary storyline on top of the twenty million or so we've already endured.


---

Suddenly, OmegaSpeedy, Machhampion's good side with half of the power of Machampion, asked to join Foppy.

Zero X. Diamond
Where the fuck did you come from??

Spoony Spoonicus
Another stupid, pointless Mary Sue character parachutes into the story to accomplish absolutely nothing of note!

"Please?" he begged. "I know the only way to keep Machampion away! Please?!"

Zero X. Diamond
Uh, as far as I'm aware, they're doing a pretty good job of keeping him away by simply not writing him back into the story.


*WHIR!!!*

Suddenly, Foppy heard a great roaring sound. He looked around him and found himself surrounded by void.

Zero X. Diamond
This fucking story makes me want to void my bowels all over it.


 A vortex opened up in the void, and Foppy was sucked in. "Ahh!" he screamed, "Someone must have screwed up the continuity!"

Spoony Spoonicus
Continuity?  I think you're giving this story too much credit.


 In the twirling vortex, Foppy saw all his friends around him,

Zero X. Diamond
Auntie Em!  Auntie Em!


 Sofanaz, Dr. Andonuts, Zero Diamond,

Zero X. Diamond
 *Zero Diamond flies by on a bicycle wearing a dress and cackling*


Bubble Monkey, Jinto & Jimtech, and Rockwell. There was also some guy named OmegaSpeedy flying in the void with them.

Zero X. Diamond
Much like his introduction, he himself was an afterthought.


They barreled through space and time...

Spoony Spoonicus
Starbase: Where No Turtle Has Gone Before.


Soon, another vortex opened up and everything went dark for Foppy. But after a minute there was, suddenly, a scene. Foppy looked around him. He was in a speedboat; an outboard rigger was behind him. Next to him was Rockwell, the cartographer. They were on a boat. Ahead of the boat was a swiftly moving ferryboat... onboard was the rest of Foppy's party!

Zero X. Diamond
So we went through all that extravagant, fourth wall breaking bullshit... just so we could do what was almost certainly EXACTLY WHAT WAS GOING TO HAPPEN ANYWAYS??


Foppy nodded to himself, and sped the boat up, understanding what was going on. The plot unveiled itself to Foppy in his mind:

"Foppy, in a fit of Foppish confusion,

Zero X. Diamond
Also known as "pure, unbridled retardation".


forgot where he was going in Summers and was left behind by the rest of the party, who went on to Toto and got boat tickets to Winters. No one noticed Foppy was behind, even though he was the main character.

Spoony Spoonicus
You have to love how Foppy is such an incidental character to these chumps that they don't even notice when they've embarked on the next leg of their journey without him.


Foppy wandered around Summers, not knowing where he was. He found Brick Road and Rockwell,

Zero X. Diamond
And their faithful pal Brickroad the Cave Boy!


one of which helped Foppy find a way to get to Winters.

Zero X. Diamond
The other of which pounded Foppy like a squeaky toy all night long.


So Rockwell rented a speedboat for Foppy to catch up to his friends. They were gaining on the ferryboat..."

“Oh yeah! Foppy, look over to your right!"

Foppy snapped out of his trance and looked to his right. He saw another speedboat with OmegaSpeedy in it. OmegaSpeedy was yelling, "Wait for me!!!" and trying to catch up with Foppy.

Zero X. Diamond
Okay, I know I said to please stop confusing the fuck out of me, but can we kind of just magically happen to have torpedo tubes on this speed boat that we can fire at this moron and drown him in the ocean?
Spoony Spoonicus
The most exciting boat chase scene this side of "Mitchell".


But no matter - the ferry was very close now. Rockwell looked pleased. "Didn't I tell you I'd get you to your friends?" his rhetoric bragged.

Zero X. Diamond
Apparently his words speak for themselves. 

Meanwhile on the ferryboat...

Sofanaz was resting on deck, reading a pet care manual for Carsanquay.

Zero X. Diamond
Sofanaz is the most boringest protagonist of all time.  His idea of an action sequence is pulling the lever on the side of a recliner.


He heard the noise of an engine behind him... almost like an outboard motor. Sofanaz squinted southwards and could just barely see a boat tailing the ferry. "Jimtech, you're wearing glasses, can you see who's in that boat?" he called.

Zero X. Diamond
Glasses?  Those aren't to help compensate for poor vison, they're like little binoculars you always have on your face!


Jimtech walked over to Sofanaz and peered outwards. "Yes... I see an ovular shape... orangish red... wearing pennyloafers...

Zero X. Diamond
Foppies are known for their sensible footwear.


yes! That's Foppy! Dear lord! Did we leave him behind?!?! Oh no!" Jimtech feared. He yelled up towards the front of the boat, "Captain! Please slow down! We left a passenger behind!

Spoony Spoonicus
"And we didn't even notice or give a shit until we were halfway to our destination!"


I can pay for him! I'll pay double!"

But the captain didn't respond. He grumbled to himself, "No... I wasn't paid exurbanite

Zero X. Diamond
exurbanite [ek-sur-buh-nahyt, eg-zur-]
noun
1. a person who lives in an exurb, especially one who has moved there from a city.
2. absolutely not the word that belongs here

amounts of money to let Foppy onboard!" Then he called into an intercom, "First mate Skippy, initiate anti-Foppy strategy #1!"

Zero X. Diamond
"Ain't no way in hell I'm gonna accept more goddamned money to let no additional passenger aboard!  It'd be bad fer business in a way I will conveniently refuse to specify!"


Immediately, a pair of jet engines popped out of the back of the ferry. They started spinning... faster and faster... suddenly, flames erupted out of the engines and the ferry tripled its speed.

Spoony Spoonicus
This would be kind of awesome if it wasn't so goddamn stupid and pointless.


Foppy looked at the ferry from the speedboat. "What do we do now?" he asked no one in particular.

Zero X. Diamond
Give up and go home?  That's my suggestion.


---

Foppy, thinking quickly, threw his arms out and knocked out the boosters.

Zero X. Diamond
How do you stop jet engines?  Why, clog them with those useless arms of yours!  It won't be horrendously painful or anything!


 As the speedboat gained on the ferry, the captain shouted, "Skippy, activate FEP#2!"

"Aye, aye, captain!" Skippy replied, then he pulled a lever. Suddenly, a Foppy Seeking Gun (FSG from now on, though this term might never be used again) popped out of the back of the ship with Skippy running the weapon.

Zero X. Diamond
Jet engines and FSGs (that's Foppy Seeking Gun in case you forgot) are standard issue for all ferry boats.

Spoony Spoonicus
This is less of an action scene and more of a particularly stupid boss battle from a video game design document written by a nine year old that nobody in their right mind would ever commit to code.


"Dr. Andonuts, can you disable that gun?" Jimtech asked.

"I think so," came the good doctor’s reply.

Meanwhile, Skippy was locking on Foppy to fire the powerful weapon...

Mayor Mike Haggar
And only Jif could stop him.


---

Dr. Andonuts looked at the monstrous weapon jutting out from the ferry pointing at Foppy's head. He searched the side of the weapon and found a panel that looked like it would open. But just before Dr. Andonuts opened the control panel, he read a note on it, "Danger! Do not open without proper authorization."

Dr. Andonuts, not sure of what to do, looked around to see if anyone could authorize him to turn off the weapon. Seeing no crew of the ship in the area, he responded to Jimtech, "I don't believe I can disable it. It says I'm not allowed to without authorization."

Zero X. Diamond
 Are we seriously going to do this?  A routine that even the lousiest, bottom-feeding Abbott and Costello knockoff comedy team would wipe their ass with?


"What? Come on man, Foppy is depending on it!"

"But I'm not supposed to..."

Jimtech slapped his forehead. "Okay, let's do a little role-playing. I'll be first mate Skippy, and you be Dr. Andonuts. Okay?"

Zero X. Diamond
This is my favorite sexy game to play in the bedroom.


"Okay. First Mate Skippy, may I please disable the FSG?"

"Yes, please do."

So Dr. Andonuts jumped for joy, ran over to the FSG, and took off the control panel. He searched around in the circuitry and snapped wires apart.

Zero X. Diamond
So the genius scientist's plan boils down to "snap wires at random and hope for the best"?

Spoony Spoonicus
Worked for Mega Man.  Sort of.


Suddenly, the FSG turned towards Dr. Andonuts and droned out, "Security Breach. Directing away from primary target... directing... directing... target changed to security threat. Loading program sequence... loading... loading...

Zero X. Diamond
Is this thing powered by a Commodore 64?  Do we at least get some sick chiptune loading music?


program loaded. Please stand by and prepare to be annihilated."

Quickly, Foppy's party (minus Foppy, of course) assembled to fight the new enemy.

Foppy-seeking Gun attacked!

FSG caused a general protection fault!

Dr. Andonuts was paralyzed!

Zero X. Diamond
 Oh yeah, that happens.  Last time I got a BSOD on my computer, I was in a wheelchair for months.

Spoony Spoonicus
I'd hate to see what happens when he gets a Divide By Zero error.


Bubble Monkey shot out some Bubble Breath!

Zero X. Diamond
Bubble Monkey is apparently Dr. Andonuts' talking pet Squirtle.


FSG took 30 HP damage!

Zero Diamond shot a beam!

FSG took 100 HP damage!

Sofanaz tried PSI Thunder Beta!

...it didn't hit anyone!

*BOOM* *CRACKLE* FSG took 80 HP damage!

Jinto & Jimtech used a combination attack!

FSG took 40 HP damage!

Mayor Mike Haggar
Really racking up the damage there.  Good job, you clowns.


*SMASH* FSG took 95 HP damage!

FSG whispered "3..."

Zero X. Diamond
...French... hens...

Bubble Monkey scratched his head.

Sofanaz shot a Bottle Rocket!

FSG took 100 HP damage!

Zero Diamond used Fists of Fury!

...but it missed!

Jinto used PSI Lifeup Alpha! It had no visible effect on Jinto!

Zero X. Diamond
Good job, idiot.


Jimtech used Hair Slash!

Zero X. Diamond
Jimtech is the frontman of a Whitesnake cover band that mostly plays the Holiday Inn circuit.