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4/19/2015

Foppy's Big Gay Adventure, Part 3

Very near the end of the flight the gang was feeling like they were being followed. They looked back and wished they hadn't.

Mayor Mike Haggar
They'd have been much better off just getting shot in the back of the head and ending this fanfic without ever knowing what hit them.
Zero X. Diamond
They reflected on all the stupid, incomprehensible shit they'd seen and done so far, which made their futures appear that much more bleak.

 It was the REAL Mad Duck General!

Zero X. Diamond
Wait, seriously?  A Mad Duck worries these people?  You have a Foppy with arms and a flamethrower, a brilliant scientist, an armored cyberfrog, a couple of imaginary dudes who somehow became real, and Mr. Deus Ex Machina himself... and you're afraid of a fucking duck, just because he's crazy and has a military title?

 The phoenix landed in Summers and the Mad Duck General shouted at Zero Diamond...

Zero X. Diamond
Oh man, what awesome one-liner is this eager young chappie going to give us?

---

"Fear my anger, oh wacky one!"

Zero X. Diamond
... even by this story's standards, I feel like this was a lame, lame cop out.


The MDRF and MDC attack Foppy and friends.

Spoony Spoonicus
As the FBI, ATF and DEA moved to intercept their actions in the town of QRRBRBIRLBEL.


Foppy used PSI Fire A.
The MDRF and MDC suffered 52 HP.
YOU WON!!

Zero X. Diamond
Speaking of lame cop outs, they win the fight against their much dreaded opponent in a single hit.  Yeah, I can see now why they were so afraid.


Foppy and co. gained 200,000 exp. each.
---

Foppy gained a level!
(cue funky music)

Zero X. Diamond
Play that funky music, Foppy!
Play that funky music riiiiiiiiiight!
Play that funky music, Foppy!
Lay down your keyboard and please stop writing garbage til you die!

Offense went up by 2!
Defense went up by 1!
Boo-yah! Guts went up by 8!

Peggy Hill
HOOYEAH!


Foppy looked down at the fainted Mad Duck General, and poked him with a nearby stick.

Spoony Spoonicus
Well, that's an awfully dark image for an Earthbound story.


 "I suppose he was all bluff..." Foppy mumbled. Suddenly, Foppy heard a quacking sound. A small horde of Mad Ducks and Noose Men had arrived and snatched away the fainted Mad Duck General, carrying him off.

Zero X. Diamond
Finally, the Mad Ducks had been pushed too far by their crazed military dictator.  The angry mob of peasant ducks descended upon him in this moment of weakness, and with the aid of their Noose Man allies, hung him in the town square, right off the wing of one of his many opulent and wasteful statues.

The Noose Men tied the MDG to the Mad Ducks, and they formed a virtual helicopter.

Spoony Spoonicus
Maybe it's just me, but this is a pretty funny mental image.  A dead, charred duck tied to a bunch of other ducks whipping through the air in a spiral.  It's like something out of a Pink Floyd video.


Zero Diamond, alarmed that the Mad Duck General was getting away, whispered something in Drakaan's ear, who flew off.

"Guys, I've told Drakaan to hunt down the Mad Ducks.

Zero X. Diamond
"Beating them wasn't enough.  We have to kill them, then desecrate their corpses.  It's the only way to be sure."

 It really shouldn't be too long until he hunts them down.

Mayor Mike Haggar
Well what kind of a lame copout is that?  Not only do you effortlessly curb-stomp the villain, but you don't even finish off his minions in-narrative?


 Until then... well... I suppose we should find Ness and his friends!"

Spoony Spoonicus
What possible stake could they have in your dumb little adventure?  Honestly.

 Zero Diamond explained. So the group walked down Summer's beach shore, looking for anyone who might provide information.

Spoony Spoonicus
On what?  Where are you going?  What are you doing?

Clobberpuppy
Where did you come from?  Where did you go?  Where did you come from, Cotton Eye Joe?


Sofanaz whispered to Dr. Andonuts, "I hear the prices are horrible here. Got any spare change? We might have to pool our cash." Sofanaz was not shy in asking Dr. Andonuts this, as they were quickly becoming friends.

Mayor Mike Haggar
The particularly annoying kind of friends who borrow money from you and never pay it back, then get mad at you when you won't give them any more.

Zero X. Diamond
This must have been happening in one of the many supplemental extended universe novels.


Dr. Andonuts replied, "Yes, I have some money, but I like to keep it for my doughnuts..."

Sofanaz pulled a jelly-filled out of his pocket. Dr. Andonuts grabbed the doughnut and gratefully gave Sofanaz $3500


Zero X. Diamond
Okay, so we've established that Dr. Andonuts has a crippling addiction to donuts.

Mayor Mike Haggar
Is "donut" just Eagleland slang for "crack"?


which was certainly a lot of doughnut money. Soon, the group encountered a Spanish man selling Gelato de Resort at a shaded stand.

"Buy my Gelato?" the man asked.

Foppy stepped up to the man and said, "Yes. Okay. We'll buy your Gelato... umm... (‘what were we doing, guys?’ he whispered to his friends)

Zero X. Diamond
They were doing something?  Maybe I missed something, but it seems like they've just been wandering around aimlessly and doing things for no discernible reason.

Spoony Spoonicus
Still more of a plot than Demon's Souls has.


yeah! I remember! We'll buy your Gelato if you can tell us information about Ness, the hero from Onett!

Mayor Mike Haggar
So are you going to fill the audience in at some point, or what?


Foppy gave the man money, and the man gave Foppy some Gelato de Resort. Foppy complained, "No, we want information about NESS. Ness. Don't you get it?"

The man nodded, reached into his stand, and pulled out a brochure. He gave it to Foppy, who read it.

Zero X. Diamond
It was entitled "Watchtower," and its cover posed many questions about the nature of God.


"Buy Earthbound 64! Release date: 2010.

Zero X. Diamond
Remember back in 2010 when the three major consoles were the PS3, the XBox 360, and the N64?

Spoony Spoonicus
Fuck yeah I do.  Mario Kart 64's multiplayer made Call of Duty look like a bunch of preschoolers playing Tag!


 Join Ness and friends as they try to save the future from cosmic peril! But in the meantime, buy pokemon products! Gotta buy them all!"

Zero X. Diamond
Ah yes, back when young, angry EarthBound fans blamed Pokemon's popularity for preventing EB64 from happening because it happened to be a popular series at the time.

Spoony Spoonicus
Just like how Square fanboys love to insist that Seiken Densetsu 3 never got translated because of Secret of Evermore.

(Hint: its not true.  And SoE is a better game anyway so suck it)

Foppy crumpled up the brochure and threw it into a waste basket.

"Where is Ness, you... you... Spanish man!" Foppy grumbled.

"Buy my Gelato?" the man said, ducking behind his counter.

"Ness!"

"Gelato!"

"Ness!"

"Gelato!"

“Ness!”

Quickly, Jimtech stopped the argument. "Let me handle this. I know how to work with these kind of people," he told Foppy, then confronted the Gelato-selling-man.

Mayor Mike Haggar
Maybe it's just me being exposed to too much of the hyper-reactionary atmosphere on the Internet lately, but this strikes me as being pretty racially insensitive.

"Now you listen to me," Jimtech started, then grabbed the man's neck and lifted him into the air, "IF YOU DON'T TELL US WHERE NESS, THE HERO FROM ONETT, IS NOW, I WILL PERSONALLY MAKE YOU VERY, VERY UNHAPPY!!!"

Zero X. Diamond
This guy comes from Zero's imagination, and what's he doing?  Roughing up strangers in Summers.  No wonder he fell for Ryoto!


 The man, quite afraid, pointed to the Summers Hotel. The group left.

Spoony Spoonicus
Remember kids: if someone doesn't give you what you want, resort to assault and battery!  That always gets results!

Also, foreigners are the devil and are only worthy of scorn and mistreatment.

When they arrived at Summers Hotel, they found the place empty, except for the manager.

Zero X. Diamond
And several policemen hiding in ambush for them after the Gelato man called them in a panic.


Foppy asked the manager, "Have you seen Ness around here?"

The manager replied, "Yes, uhm, Ness, you say? Yes, he just checked out a few minutes ago. He said he was going to Winters.


Zero X. Diamond



 Something about Starmen and some Apple Kid getting kidnapped.” The group sighed and left the hotel. On the front steps of the hotel, they sat down.

Sofanaz sighed, "You know, we should have expected this to happen."

Mayor Mike Haggar
You should have expected this extremely unlikely turn of events to happen again?  Isn't that kind of like expecting your mother to win the lottery twice in the same week?

Everyone else nodded in agreement.

Foppy replied, "Yes, with the luck of a Foppy, I should have known better. But, then again, I also have the intelligence of a Foppy and wouldn't know...

Zero X. Diamond
Additional joke about video game stats.


well... we might as well make the best of it, being in Summers. I don't know about the rest of you guys, but I haven't slept since I left Saturn Valley. What do you say we check in at this lovely hotel? I believe, pooled, we have enough money to cover it."

The group agreed and pooled their monies together. They had, in total, $3950.00, which was probably enough for the group if they got cheap rooms. But just before they were about to go back into the hotel, a shadow fell over the group and a figure landed out of the sky.

It was someone Foppy had met before...
It was the Blue Cow that Foppy met in his Winters dreams!

Zero X. Diamond
 Uh, wait, what?  That was a dream?  How much of the story has been dreams?  How much of it has been reality?  What IS reality when defined within the confines of fiction?  What the fuck is any of this??  WHY DID ANYONE WRITE THIS SHIT????
Spoony Spoonicus
Is this the real life?  Is it just fantasy?  Caught in a land slide, no escape from reality.

Open your eyes, look up to the skies and see...
The stupidest goddamn thing you've ever seen in your life!

"Greetings, noble fools," the Blue Cow grunted,

Zero X. Diamond
What?


"Foppy, it came to my attention that the Great Foppy, in a dream, alerted you to my existence.

Zero X. Diamond
So the Great Foppy is real, but appeared in a dream that appeared to be real but apparently wasn't??


Well, *scoff*, I can't let a fool like you interfere with my plans! The Apple of Enlightenment sure chose a stupid chosen one, if you ask me.

Zero X. Diamond
But I thought the Apple of Enlightenment's chosen one was Ness!  Is the Apple of Enlightenment real?  Is this Blue Cow real??

Spoony Spoonicus
This seems to imply that the blue cow works for Giygas and/or Pokey.  Which just makes it even stupider.

Imagine, a mere Foppy... against me! The Blue Cow!"

And then the battle commenced...

---

Dr. Andonuts pulled out a death ray and fired.
TBC suffered 50 HP of damage.

Mayor Mike Haggar
"Blasted Indonesian knockoffs!  I knew I shouldn't have bought a death ray from that dodgy-looking flea mart!"

Foppy used PSI Fire A.
TBC suffered 100 HP of damage.
TBC used Moo r.

Zero X. Diamond
Othello was summoned!

Spoony Spoonicus
Spoony used Boo-Urns!


Foppy wasn't affected.
Dr. Andonuts wasn't affected.
ZXD couldn't concentrate.
Jinto couldn't concentrate.
Jimtech couldn't concentrate.
Sofanaz couldn't concentrate.
Bubbles couldn't concentrate.

Spoony Spoonicus
Bill Clinton couldn't concentrate.
Jeremy Irons couldn't concentrate.
Squidward couldn't concentrate.
Renee Zellweger couldn't concentrate.
Roseanne Barr couldn't concentrate.
Slab Bulkhead couldn't concentrate.

ZXD used fists of fury.
TBC suffered 105 HP of damage.
Jinto bit TBC.
SMAAAAAASH!
TBC suffered 20 HP of damage.
Jimtech slashed TBC with his hair.
TBC dodged the attack.
Sofanaz jumped on TBC.
TBC suffered 103 HP of damage.
Bubbles blew a bubble.
TBC wasn't affected.
TBC kicked ZXD.
SMAAAAAASH!
ZXD suffered 200 HP of damage.
Foppy...

Mayor Mike Haggar
You know a story sucks when even the characters are getting bored.


---

Just a recap on the party and its abilities. I feel this is necessary, as we are nearing two pages.

Zero X. Diamond
I doubt this will clear ANYTHING up.


 If the necessity arises, I'll update this post.

Foppy - an average Foppy from Master Belch's factory. He likes to sleep a lot and is on an evergoing quest.

Zero X. Diamond
 He sleeps so damned much I no longer have a handle on what has happened in this story, and his evergoing quest is vague and undefined and might be just another fucking dream at this point.


 Unlike most Foppies, he has hands, a mouth, a backpack, and a Brain Stone.

Zero X. Diamond
So not really an average Foppy at all, huh?


Level 15
HP - 89
PP - 31
Offense - Medium
Defense - Low
Speed - Low
Guts - Very Low
Luck - High

Attacks -
Retractable Hand - Foppy can release his hand as an attack, like a boomerang. It's not very powerful, but it sure is cool.
Retractable Foot - Foppy can release his foot as an attack, like a boomerang. It's not very powerful, but it sure is cool.

Mayor Mike Haggar
Go Go Gadget Middle Finger.


PSI -
PSI Fire a - just like from Earthbound!
PK Beam r - just like from Earthbound Zero!
PSI Earthquake b - it has an area effect and has been known to do over 200 damage.
PSI Firecracker a - it has pretty much the same attack power and range as a Bomb
PSI Lifeup a - just like from Earthbound!

Spoony Spoonicus
I'm copy-pasting dumb crap wholesale, just like our old friend Fanboy!


Sofanaz the Armored Frog - joined Foppy in Dr. Andonuts laboratory after defeating Machampion. Sofanaz desires to help Foppy, although his motives are uncertain.

Zero X. Diamond
NOBODY'S MOTIVES ARE CERTAIN!  WHY IS ANYONE DOING ANYTHING IN THIS STORY??

Spoony Spoonicus
He's on a quest for a name that doesn't sound like an over-the-counter allergy medicine.

Sofanaz's profile can be found in "Return of something I would prefer..."

Mayor Mike Haggar
That's either a really dumb name for another interactive fiction or some passive aggressive sniping at the people writing in this one instead of their's.


Dr. Andonuts - Dr. Andonuts, the scientist from Winters, joined Foppy because he was tired of lab work - his lab was totally ruined, anyway.

Level 10
HP - 80
PP - 0
Offense - High
Defense - Medium
Speed - Medium
Guts – Low, but probably very high if anyone stole his doughnuts
Luck - Medium

Attacks -
Monkey Wrench - Dr. Andonuts throws a monkey wrench into the enemy. It has a medium power.
Monkey Wrench Explosion - Dr. Andonuts throws an exploding monkey wrench into the enemy. It's pretty darn powerful.
Death Ray - Dr. Andonuts shoots a Death Ray, although the weapon is probably overrated. It is still pretty powerful.

Spoony Spoonicus
Which is why a chubby kid with a baseball bat can do more damage before his level even reaches double digits.

Zero Diamond -
Enlisted Foppy's party as helpers on his quest through his own mind.

Zero X. Diamond
"Drafted" would have been a better word choice.


Since then, Zero Diamond has been adventuring with Foppy.

Zero X. Diamond
 But he's not the leader!  Foppy is the leader!  Zero just makes many important decisions and tells everyone what to do, which is usually what the leader does, but Foppy walks in the front of the line on the world map so it's okay!

Zero Diamond's profile is available in "Return of Something I would prefer..."

Jinto -
Jimtech's partner. A Black Antoid from Zero Diamond's mind. He joined Zero Diamond and has been adventuring with him ever since.

(Zero Diamond, fill me in here)
Level - ???
HP - ???
PP - ???
Offense - ???
Defense - ???
Speed - ???
Guts - ???
Luck - ???

Spoony Spoonicus
Or don't, whatever.


Attacks -
Bite - Jinto bites with his mandibles. It does a little damage, and often SMASH!!!es.

PSI -
PSI Lifeup a – just like from Earthbound!


Jimtech -
Jinto's partner. A Psychic Psycho from Zero Diamond's mind. He joined Zero Diamond and has been adventuring with him ever since.

(Zero Diamond, fill me in here)
Level - ???
HP - ???
PP - ???
Offense - ???
Defense - ???
Speed - ???
Guts - ???
Luck - ???

Attacks -
Hair Slash - Jimtech uses his Psychic Psycho hair and slashes the enemy. It does medium damage.

Clobberpuppy
He's a Battletoad!


PSI -
PSI Fire a – just like from Earthbound!


Bubble Monkey -
Joined Dr. Andonuts in Zero Diamond's mind once he learned the doctor had bubble gum. He hasn't left yet, as it seems Dr. Andonuts still has bubble gum. Rumor is that Dr. Andonuts and Bubble Monkey sometimes share their doughnuts and gum.

Spoony Spoonicus
Good for... them?


Level - 20
HP - 115
PP - 0
Offense - Medium
Defense - Medium
Speed - High
Guts - Medium
Luck - High

Attacks -
Stickwad Bazooka - Bubble Monkey takes some chewed-up gum and fires it through the bazooka. It has medium power, but could probably slow the enemy.

Sticky Bazooka - A weaker variation of the Stickwad Bazooka. It fires some chewy essence of bubble gum, which is very sticky indeed. It has low power, but could probably slow the enemy.

Bubble Blow - Bubble Monkey blows a bubble. *POP!* It can stop the enemy from moving.

Bubble Breath - Bubble Monkey breathes a barrage of bubbles. *KAPOP!!!* It has medium power and can stop the enemy from moving.

Mayor Mike Haggar
You know your story's hero sucks when he's being upstaged by a bit character from the original game, to say nothing of the rest of these clowns.

---

...used PSI Earthquake B.
TBC suffered 200 HP of damage.
TBC ran away.
"Shoot," Foppy said, "no exp. for us."
So, the group went to Toto to get a room at the El Tacano (The Cheap).

Spoony Spoonicus
Proving that they understood Spanish all along and are just a bunch of racist creeps.


Later that night...

---

The party was sleeping, sound asleep and comfortable in their cheap hotel rooms. They got one big room and were sleeping in sleeping bags on the floor. No one heard the noise when the door creaked open. A shadowy figure wearing a Hawaiian shirt snuck into the room and crept up to Foppy's backpack.

Zero X. Diamond
Bruce Campbell's character from Burn Notice?


He reached in and took out a wad of cash. "Yes, tourist. THIS is what Summers is all about... money... money... that's what we want... but freedom... freedom... that's what we've really sought! Dang! I love that Runaway Five! Oh yeah! Heh heh heh..." The man snuck off and forgot to shut the door after him.

Spoony Spoonicus
A random pickpocket.  The drama has reached critical mass!

Zero X. Diamond
Neither his singing nor all the air conditioning blowing out into the hot, humid air outside the hotel woke them up.


That morning...

*groan...*


Foppy gradually opened his eyes, awakening to the smell of scrambled eggs. Foppy had slept in again. He looked up out of his sleeping bag to see Sofanaz cooking a hearty breakfast from his survival kit.

Zero X. Diamond
His survival kit contained eggs, butter, and a hot plate.  And that's all.


Zero Diamond was looking out the window, gazing upon society.

Zero X. Diamond
 "Someday, right out there, I'll do millions of dollars in property damage, nearly get crushed to death under a falling building, then get raped by a crazy woman who's wearing my clothes."


Jinto and Jimtech were drinking coffee, chatting about life, vegetables, and the pursuit of happiness. Bubble Monkey was chewing some caffeine-enriched gum while Dr. Andonuts was eating his morning doughnuts. Foppy got out of his sleeping bag and went over to Sofanaz.

Zero X. Diamond
It turned out that he'd fallen asleep on Drakaan's back and this entire page of story was all just another dream.