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3/16/2015

Foppy's Big Day Out, Part 2

Foppy decided to use his PSI Earthquake ß!
Machampion fell and took 500 HP damage.
"PK Pokémon Hyper Beam! ß level! Fire!"

Spoony Spoonicus
Wabbit Season!
Clobberpuppy
Duck Season!

Spoony Spoonicus
Wabbit Season!

Clobberpuppy
Duck Season!  FIRE!

Zero X. Diamond
SUPER UNRELATED FRANCHISE COMBINATION ATTACK!!


 shouted Machampion. He fired a constipated beam and Foppy took 109 HP damage.

Zero X. Diamond
And suddenly felt really bound up, as though he'd eaten fifty pounds of cheese.


---

Foppy felt his HP rolling down, its digits clicking on towards 0. Only in the video game world did people measure their health in HP.

Spoony Spoonicus
Pretty sure it was around in tabletop gaming well before video games were much of a thing.

Then again, 80% of 'RPG fans' I've talked to seem to be convinced that Final Fantasy 6 was the first RPG ever made and that nothing good has ever been done with the genre since the 16-bit era ended, so...

"Well, what a nice day! I must be at full HP!" or "Yawn... I need some energy... some lunch... I must only have 20 HP left..." were common phrases of the era.

Zero X. Diamond
As were "Try telling a joke, even if you don't have one!" and "Nobody here is a competent writer!"


But anyway, Foppy felt that the PK Hyper Beam had really taken his health...

Foppy anticipated fainting and blacking out, but he didn't. He felt... just barely conscious... why wasn't he dead? But of course! Foppy had one HP left and had survived the potentially mortal blow!

Spoony Spoonicus
Shoehorned game mechanics lesson!  See, I played Earthbound!  I'm totally not pulling stupid nonsense out of my ass!

But he certainly was in no situation to counterattack! Machampion stomped towards Foppy, desiring mass quantities of destruction.

Zero X. Diamond
Instead, all he got was mass quantities of shit.

Clobberpuppy
Don't ease your pace, 'cuz enemy's brutal
Moment of truth, there ain't no truce
You're the only one, one world, one love
But the battle goes on, Shadows of Mass Destruction!

The laboratory was aflame, and the automatic sprinkling system was barely doing its job. Foppy coughed on the smoke and all looked grim...

*BANG*
*CRACK*
*SNAPPLE*
*POP*

Spoony Spoonicus
Two stupid references for the price of one!


Machampion suddenly grimaced and fell to his knees. Behind the fallen champ, Foppy saw a shadowy figure standing in the doorway to the laboratory, a strange weapon in his hand.

Zero X. Diamond
It was a cricket bat covered in marmalade.


The figure looked pleased with its efforts, and started walked towards Foppy. Why, the figure was an Armored Frog, not unlike the ones Foppy had seen in Grapefruit Falls.

Zero X. Diamond
So a creature slightly LESS powerful than a Foppy is all it took to defeat the guy who was mopping the floor with him?  Yeah, okay, that's consistent and makes sense.


"Hello, my name is Sofanaz," the frog spoke dryly, "I'm here to help." But before any further conversation could continue, Machampion got off his knees and...

Zero X. Diamond
Oh no!  What trick does he have up his sleeve this time??


---

ran off, crying like a baby.



Zero X. Diamond
 ... oh.  I guess that works.


"Thank you," said Foppy, "you saved my life. How can I repay you?"

Zero X. Diamond
*cue porno music*


"No payment is needed. However might I join you for a bit and aid you in your journey?" came the reply.
"Sure"

Sofanaz joined you.

Spoony Spoonicus
The Dragon Quest rule of filling up the party roster.  "You helped me once, so I implicitly trust you!"

But it works out because Dragon Quest doesn't actually have characters with motivations or back stories or even personalities!

"May I come and help you as well?" Dr. Andonuts asked weakly, "I would like to see what Jeff is doing, and if he still wets the bed. Besides, the lab is looking a bit messy, so I might as well take a break from my work."

Zero X. Diamond
That's what happens when a scientist's lab gets all messed up: he gives up and moves on.

Clobberpuppy
"We'll make the bedroom the NEW laboratory!"  (Skyrunner crashes through the roof)

Dr. Andonuts joined you.

Smokey Bear
You have selected "you", referring to me.  That is incorrect. The correct answer is you.

The group left the ruins of Dr. Andonuts lab and headed for the pond cave...

---

At the pond cave entrance, there was a huge heavily set robot.

Spoony Spoonicus
GIGANTOOOOOOOR!
Zero X. Diamond
Uh oh... I recognize this part...


 "Hey! Who art you? I crush little orange bug! A heh heh heh!" the robot called, using the voice of Arnold Schwatzenegger.

Mayor Mike Haggar
Funny, he elocutes more like Tommy Wiseau.

Foppy encountered the Super Size Robot Guard. Dr. Andonuts threw a monkey wrench into the robot!! The robot temporarily stopped moving!

Suddenly, another robot, Zero Diamond came into the story!

Zero X. Diamond
What an entrance!


Zero Diamond used PSI Explosion Beam Venus! The Super Size Robot Guard turned to dust!

Zero X. Diamond
And damn, he's only been in the story for one sentence and he's already completely overshadowed everyone and everything!


 Foppy and company gained 900 exp!

Foppy's stats all went up by 5! Foppy learned PSI Firecracker A! Dr. Andonuts' stats all raised by 10! Dr. Andonuts learned Monkey Wrench Explosion! All Zero Diamonds stats went up by 30!  Zero Diamond discovered the 10th power of the 10 Power Key!

Zero X. Diamond
This would be quite an achievement if WE KNEW WHAT THE HELL IT MEANT!!


After the battle, Dr. Andonuts asked Zero Diamond how his stats went so high. "Simple actually.

Zero X. Diamond
I'm the self-insert of a self-centered ten year old who wants to be better than everyone else!


 I have a Psycho Kinetic Stats Amplifier!

Spoony Spoonicus
Made on the planet Twink by the Garystuians!


Say, that’s a Foppy with arms? Correct? Foppies can't concentrate so good so I'll give you this Brain Stone!

Mayor Mike Haggar
So character shows up in a story and is not only completely perfect in every way, but gives everyone else present some kind of magical item so THEY can be completely perfect in every way as well.


By the way, would you like to join me on my quest through the Ten Power Gates?"


Zero X. Diamond
"I mean, it's not like you losers are on any sort of quest yourselves."


Foppy replied, "As long as I'm the leader! I've got to stay main character."

Spoony Spoonicus
"Just because you're technically the leader doesn't mean you won't be playing second fiddle!"


 So they entered the gates and the world of ZXD's mind unfolded before them. Suddenly a happy man rushed over to welcome them he said...

Clobberpuppy
FEED YOUR HE-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-EAD!

---

"Welcome to Dreamscape, the world of the mind. This realm is formed out of the dreams of many entities. This particular land is created out of the dreams of one called the Warrior of the Eye. 


Zero X. Diamond
 Oh man, yeah, that guy.  I remember him from that one thing.


Oh, and I am Camera Man, master of Dreams and Fuzzy Pickles."

Zero X. Diamond
HAHAHAHAHA.  HAHAHAHA. HA HA.  HA.  HAAAAAAAAA.


The group did not hear that last part for before them lay volcanoes and fields of lava, oceans of clouds and mountains of shadows, misty towns of spirits and castles of nightmares.

Mayor Mike Haggar
If they start throwing candy at lizards to climb up trees, I'm out.


"This land is home to three power gates and the lord of nightmares," ZXD said, "we are not in my mind yet."

"Then where are we?" Foppy asked.

"I already told you, the Warrior of the Eye's mind. You see, every person has a Dreamscape. But, the most powerful beings on the planet have power gates in their minds. Dr. Andonuts, your son's friend, Ness, possesses such a place," Camera Man replied.



Zero X. Diamond
"So despite the audience's misgivings, this is still TOTALLY relevant to EarthBound."

Spoony Spoonicus
Because when one character gets a power boost in a pretty clever manner, every fan character gets to do the same thing too, regardless of how little they actually understood the subtext of Magicant or its relevance to the series as a whole!


"So, how do we get there, to Ness' mind I mean?" Foppy asked.

"You must travel through the other Dreamscapes with power gates to get there," Camera Man began, "Oh and ZXD, your mind is among the three. I would go with you, but I won't."



Zero X. Diamond
... what?


So, setting out for the lava fields, the group began their oddessy

Spoony Spoonicus
Ah yes, I remember that bootleg console.  Featuring such classics as "KC Otherkin" and "Space Unvaders".

 across Dreamscape...

---

Foppy wondered what was going on.

Zero X. Diamond
Join the fucking club.


He was only a Foppy and had little concept of what was happening. But thanks to the Brain Stone Zero Diamond had given him, Foppy could concentrate much better than usual. But due to the stress of fighting Machampion, Foppy found he couldn't remember any of his PSI except PK Beam r, PSI Earthquake B, PSI Firecracker a, and PSI Lifeup a.

Zero X. Diamond
Only one of which wasn't completely made up.  Two if you count one that was in the first game in the series but not the second.


"Hmm..." Foppy thought to himself, "I should be level 14 now... that would put me at 89 HP and 31 PP... not bad at all."

Spoony Spoonicus
Want to drop any other arbitrary game stats in there while we're at it?  Like how a character can have an intelligence of 84 (out of a maximum of 99) but still be dumb enough to play right into the villain's hands at every turn?
Mayor Mike Haggar
More games need a "common sense" stat, I think.  That way they could be very well book-learned but win a Darwin Award for not wearing a seatbelt.

Foppy was interrupted in thought by a tap on the back from Sofanaz.

Mayor Mike Haggar
Who?

...Oh right, that character who abruptly parachuted into the story and who hasn't said or done anything since doing that.

 Sofanaz reminded Foppy about where they were, and pointed to Dr. Andonuts and Zero Diamond walking up ahead on the Dreamscape trail. But before they started off, Sofanaz outfitted Foppy with a backpack for storing things.

Zero X. Diamond
Mostly because now that the author characters are beginning to enter in force, that's soon to be all that Foppy is good for.


When they caught up to Dr. Andonuts and Zero Diamond, they found a monster from Warrior of the Eye's mind attacking! It was a short, red, pudgy demon wearing two horns and brandishing a third!

Zero X. Diamond
Maybe I just have a dirty mind, but I can't help but imagine this demon as just proudly displaying his boner.

Spoony Spoonicus

 A crank was sticking out of the back of the demon.

Spoony Spoonicus

Wind-up Demon attacked!

Zero Diamond attacked first. *BOOM!* Zero Diamond shot a beam of intense power at the demon, who took 90 HP damage. The demon attacked next, but he merely let loose a burst of steam. Sofanaz hit the Wind-up Demon with a quick punch (23 HP damage), which was followed up by Dr. Andonuts swinging a wrench at the hellion. *SMASH!!!!!* Wind-up Demon takes 100 HP damage!



Zero X. Diamond
Dr. Andonuts did more damage than Zero Diamond?  God damn, I must have been mad about that one...


 The demon was nearly spent of its energy - and it was all up to the cowardly Foppy now. Summing up some courage, Foppy just barely touched the demon with a retractable-hand slap... 1 HP damage to the Wind-up Demon!

Zero X. Diamond
 Yep, there we go.  Foppy begins to accept his role as "completely useless character who only exists as an anchor to EarthBound."


Wind-up Demon was totally scrapped!
Foppy gained and his friends gained 180 exp each.

Sofanaz, relieved that the beast was defeated and curious as to what to do in this strange realm, asked Zero Diamond, "So, where's the first 'Power Gate?'"

---

"Well Sofanaz, I believe it is this way. I'm not the main character, but follow me!"

Zero X. Diamond
Really guys, even though I've hijacked the story and I'm leading everyone around, rest assured that I am not the main character!


 Their journey was uneventful after the encounter with the Wind-up Demon until Zero Diamond's mind, seeing as Warrior of the Eye's mind was totally peaceful (except for that one Wind-up Demon),

Zero X. Diamond
Hurry up and get the stupid boring crap that I didn't write out of the way so we can focus again on ME!  PAY ATTENTION TO ME!  LOVE ME!

Spoony Spoonicus
He's a warrior whose mind is entirely peaceful save for one monster.  Isn't that kind of like being a book with only one word in it?




and the second mind was that of Derek Mortacai.

Zero X. Diamond
This would be of interest except for the part where WE HAVE NO IDEA WHO THE HELL THIS IS.


The second mind wanted vengeance on Ness for saving Paula from his clutches, so they were safe. 


Spoony Spoonicus
Apparently Paula had a stalker that we were never introduced to in the game.




The center of his mind was a huge non-existent in reality picture of Paula in a wedding gown happily standing next to Derek in a Tuxedo. 


Zero X. Diamond
Oh shit, this guy!  This is the only remaining reference to this character, who at one point existed in the now lost last (but of course, not actually final) chapter of the first EB fanfic I ever wrote!  He was this spoiled rich kid who saw Paula through a window and decided to kidnap and marry her or some shit.

"Sickening place..." Foppy muttered to himself.

The third gate held the troubles for the gang. The center was the large happy place, while the larger part surrounding the center was filled with monsters only Zero Diamond could imagine. Suddenly a giant wasp attacked Foppy's gang! "Duh duh duh...

Zero X. Diamond
The only realistic dialogue in the story so far.
Spoony Spoonicus

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!!!! I'VE HAD NIGHTMARES ABOUT YOU BEFORE!!!!!! GO AWAY!!!!!! I'M AFRAID OF WASPS!!!!!!" Zero Diamond cried. 


Zero X. Diamond
Our super powerful hero breaks down like a huge fucking baby over a fear of stinging insects.

Wolverine
No, I'm covered with scorpions! GET EM OFF ME!!!




"Buzz... afraid are we? Buzz... good... because I'll have a good reason to kill you!!" The Powerful Giant Wasp from Hell Attacked! Zero Diamond cowered in a corner! Foppy attacked using his flamethrower! It had no effect on the wasp! Dr. Andonuts used the bubble gum! Suddenly, bubble monkey joined the battle!


Zero X. Diamond
Bubble Monkey is capable of transcending reality in search of gum.


Bubble Monkey joins you!

Sofanaz attacked! It had no effect on the wasp! "Zero Diamond! You must overcome
your fears! Attack him!" a familiar voice called.

Zero X. Diamond
Master Kramberto!  You've finally come to save us!


Zero Diamond attacked!
SMAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAASH!

Oh man what a hit! The wasp suffered 999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999 damage!

Zero X. Diamond
For those of us keeping score at home, that's just under a decillion.  That's like if you strapped seven Final Fantasy protagonists together!

Spoony Spoonicus
Jeez, even Disgaea doesn't have damage output that high.  And this is a game franchise where characters summon planet-eating supergods to lay waste on their enemies!

The Powerful Giant Wasp from Hell was defeated! Only Zero Diamond gained experience!?!?! Zero Diamond learned PK Distortion Earth!

Mayor Mike Haggar
Ah yes, those guys.  From Metro City's short-lived grunge scene that nobody likes to talk about.

"Hello there! Woah dogs, woah!" a voice called, not the same familiar one from earlier, but a different one. It was a friendly Psychic Psycho and his partner a friendly Black Antoid.

"Hello! My name is Jinto the Black Antoid! This is my master and friend Jimtech! 


Pleased to meet you for the first time Zero Diamond!" The Black Antoid squeaked. The Psychic Psycho continued, "We'll join your group on the way!" Jinto joined the party! Jimtech joined the party! "Mush dogs, mush!" Jinto cried, and the dogs rushed off towards the center of ZXD's mind.

Zero X. Diamond
 At no point did we mention a sled, so I have to assume these jokers are just commanding a group of wild dogs to run around for no reason.


Finally, the dogs reached the center of Zero Diamond's mind. The gang wandered around and found a store. The man who ran the shop cried at the sight of ZXD,

Mayor Mike Haggar
Way ahead of you, pal.


"Oh welcome sir! Welcome! Anything I have that you or your fiends want can be yours for no cost!"

Zero X. Diamond
He was the dumbest, most counterproductive shopkeep in the entire world.


Jinto took an Antennae Gun, Jimtech took the Psycho Kinetic Bat, Bubble Monkey got the Stickwad Bazooka, Sofanaz got the Froggy Bubble Shooter, Zero Diamond got a container of Piggy Jelly and a nice Hot Popsicle

Zero X. Diamond
*cue porno music*


along with an armor upgrade, strengthening his armor more, and Foppy got the leg throwing capsule.

Dr. Ashen
It's that bloody Popstation game again where two people pull their own limbs off and throw them at each other!

Zero X. Diamond
Zero Diamond got more stuff than anybody else, and Foppy was an afterthought.  Yyyyyep.


 They left the shop and entered a...

Spoony Spoonicus
Brothel next door where the shopkeeper showed them all a good time with his "hot popsicle."

---

The land of the mind was a complex one, one that was volatile and chaotic.

Spoony Spoonicus
And full of sexy sexy men with Hot Popsicles.

When the gang was about to leave the shop and enter a new realm of Zero Diamond's mind, a plothole suddenly opened up and sucked them out.

Zero X. Diamond
I will grant you that it was incredibly rude and selfish to take over the story, and that the whole mind thing was incredibly stupid... but this is not the way to go about getting around it.


Foppy, Sofanaz, Dr. Andonuts, Zero Diamond, and the Jinto team flew through the vortex of the plothole and landed...

*POOF*

...back in reality.

The group slid out of the loophole and landed on their butts back in Winters, outside the pond cave. Zero Diamond was the first to get up and exclaimed, "Well, that didn't work out the way I planned it *whirrr to be. I underestimated the stability of my mind..."

Zero X. Diamond
Everybody else knew from the get go that you were mentally unstable...


The rest of the group seemed mostly intact. Foppy was laying on the ground, resting. Dr. Andonuts and Sofanaz were staring at each other, blankly, not having the foggiest idea what was going on.

 But where were Jinto and Jimtech? It seemed that they, being beings of Zero Diamond's mind, had vanished like the creatures of Magicant.

Zero X. Diamond
Oh man, not only did this guy stop my story derail, but he also wrote two of my characters out of it.  Young me must have been FURIOUS.


After a moment's pause, Foppy got off the ground, brushed himself off, and said, "So, what was the original quest anyway? Going to find Ness and his friends, weren't we? Summers, you say, Dr. Andonuts?"

Dr. Andonuts nodded, then pulled a box of doughnuts out of his pocket and started eating them.

Foppy continued, "Well, then, to this 'Summers' place I imagine we should be off to.

Zero X. Diamond
Sentence learning how to form you do should probably.

But where is 'Summers', Doctor?"

Gorged, Dr. Andonuts replied, "Ah, yes. Doughnuts ARE delicious.

Spoony Spoonicus
And so are Hot Popsicles.


But yes, Summers is south of here beyond the ocean. We could use the Sky Runner V1.2 to get there... but..." Dr. Andonuts pointed at the flaming remnants of his laboratory. "We'll have to get there on foot, somehow."

The group pondered for a few moments, wondering how they could possibly traverse the continent, moving from Winters to Eagleland all the way south to Summers. But suddenly, Sofanaz spoke up. "My fellows, I know how we can leave Winters! 

Mayor Mike Haggar
Enlighten us, O character who's had all of two speaking lines so far!


For you see, I have studied my geography!" 


Spoony Spoonicus
The Magic School Bus got really fucking weird in the later seasons.


Then Sofanaz pulled out a map from his backpack. The map showed the locations of various places such as Scaraba, Fourside, Onnet, Saturn Valley, Summers, and Winters. "The mountains that separate Threed from Dusty Dunes Desert run north-south across Eagleland and Winters. If we can cross the mountains south of here (Then Sofanaz pointed south), we can reach the Dusty Dunes Desert, go to Fourside, and catch a boat to Summers! How does that sound, guys?"

Zero X. Diamond
Like complete horseshit, Sofanaz!


---

"Sounds good to me!" Zero Diamond exclaimed. Sofanaz responded, "Lets go then!" Suddenly, a voice… wait... two voices tore through the silence.

Zero X. Diamond
I wish a maniac in a speedo would tear through this story with a chainsaw and kill them all.


"Hey! Wait for us!" the first voice squeaked. The second was more human-like. It called, "Zero Diamond! Wait up for us!" It was Jinto and Jimtech! They had came through even though they were from Zero Diamond's mind.

Jinto and Jimtech rejoined the party.


Zero X. Diamond
Despite being written out of it only a post ago.


"Wow! That hole was really powerful!" Jimtech said.

JC Denton
My anus is augmented.


"I've heard of something like that before. Err... what was it called again... oh, yes!

Zero X. Diamond
Bullshit!


I believe we were sucked through a near deadly plot hole! We could've ended up in Final Fantasy V!"

Fanboy
IT DOESN'T EXIST!  FINAL FANTASY 6 IS THE ONLY GOOD GAME IN THAT SERIES AND THE ONLY GOOD RPG EVER MADE!  GET IT STRAIGHT NOOB! (eats an entire handful of Doritos)


 Dr. Andonuts added. So the group, consisting of misfits who were, Foppy the Foppy, Sofanaz the Heavily Armored Frog, Dr. Andonuts the doughnut-loving scientist, Zero Diamond the warrior robot, Bubble Monkey the gum loving monkey, Jinto the friendly Black Antoid and Jimtech the friendly Psychic Psycho, then set off on their quest.

 The journey was uneventful for a while. Soon Zero Diamond had strayed ahead of the group. "OH MAN! GUYS! GET OVER HERE!


Zero X. Diamond
"LOOK AT THIS SHIT I JUST TOOK!  IT'S MASSIVE!"


QUICK!" Zero's voice called. It was followed by a dull thwack and a scream of "IT'S A BOUNTY HUNTER BELONGING TO THE EVIL SCIENTIST DR. TERRAGLYPH!"

Zero X. Diamond
That would certainly mean something to us if we'd heard anything about him before!


 The gang rushed over really fast to see a robot the size of Zero with a crowbar in hand. But the crowbar was glowing! "Who are you?" Jinto called. "I am Hiyruu Sid, bounty hunter for Dr. Terraglyph. G'day to you.

Zero X. Diamond
Hiryuu Sid, the Australian robot bounty hunter with a radioactive crowbar.


My, my won't master be proud of my catch of the day!"


Spoony Spoonicus
Just like the Mr. T meme, most of the Earthbound community's only exposure to Australia at this point was Steve Irwin.


Foppy's gang confronted Hiryuu Sid!

Zero Diamond is unconscious.

Zero X. Diamond
So wait a minute, he screamed to warn them about the bounty hunter AFTER he'd been knocked out?


Foppy attacked with the flamethrower!
7 damage done to Hiryuu Sid!

Mayor Mike Haggar
What, was it a plastic gun from a GI Joe figure?  Why so little damage?


Dr. Andonuts threw the monkey wrench at Hiryuu Sid!
There was no effect on Hiryuu Sid!

Sofanaz shot bubbles at Hiryuu Sid!
20 damage done to Hiryuu Sid!

Bubbles fired his Sticky Bazooka!
17 damage done to Hiryuu Sid!

Spoony Spoonicus
Is Sticky Bazooka just another euphemism for Hot Popsicle?


While nobody was looking, Zero Diamond became conscious and turned into Tuxedo D!

Zero X. Diamond
No!  NO!  NOOOOOOOO!  NOT THIS SHIT!!


Tuxedo D threw a rose at Hiryuu Sid!
SMAAAAAASH! 900 damage done to Hiryuu Sid!
Hiryuu Sid retreated back to Zero's homeland!
Foppy and his friends gained 20,000 exp. each.

Dr. Andonuts muttered, “Weird villain… I guess plotholes do that to you…”

"Adieu!" Tuxedo D called as he ran off and turned back into Zero Diamond.

"Where did you go?" Sofanaz asked.

Zero X. Diamond
 He was busy turning into a guy in a tuxedo who throws roses, which is kind of like if Superman worked at the Daily Planet and turned into Clark Kent to fight crime.


"I was picking up little pieces of meat."

Spoony Spoonicus
Unless we're in the Kingdom of Loathing, that just raises a lot of very disturbing questions.

"For what?" Sofanaz asked again.

Zero X. Diamond
This is where we find out that Corpse Buddy was actually created by Zero Diamond long, long ago...


"Watch. Kuiee! Kuiee! Creeeeach! Kuiee! Creeeeeach!" he began calling. Suddenly, a huge flaming bird with a menacing grin on it's face swooped down and landed before them.  "Guys, I'd like you to meet Drakaan! 


Zero X. Diamond
He's yet another useless entry into my menagerie of pointless contributions to this story!

Clobberpuppy
That PC action game that was popular for a while in the 90s and then just kind of disappeared?

Spoony Spoonicus
That's Drakan.
Clobberpuppy
That beat-em-up game for Playstation 2 with the really messed up story?

Spoony Spoonicus
That's Drakengard.
Clobberpuppy
That weird 3D RPG from the early days of the SNES?

Spoony Spoonicus
That's Drakkhen.
Fanboy
That's a load of BULLSHIT!  RPGs were invented in 1994 by Squaresoft and the genre died the same year because of philistines like YOU!

Spoony Spoonicus
Translation: "I'm desperately clinging to some pathetic minor vestige of my childhood and refusing to ever try anything new or different for fear that I might change my mind about it, and as a narcissistic fuckbag too proud to admit his faults I can't EVER let that happen!"

He's a phoenix in case you need to know." Drakaan began gobbling down the meat like a hog. "Don't be fooled by his menacing appearance though. He's very kind and gentle. Except for bad guys. He tears them to shreds!"

This didn't reassure them much. Foppy had an idea! "Hey Zero? Can we ride him? We could go to Summers much faster without having to even pay a penny!" Zero Diamond thought for a second and replied, "Yes, but you must hold on tight. Phoenixes are fast!" 



Zero X. Diamond
They're also ON FIRE so be prepared to MELT YOUR GODDAMN SKIN OFF.


The gang of misfits mounted on the massive bird's back and he took off like a bolt of greased lightning.


Zero X. Diamond
 And the end of this part slithers out like a greased turd.