Random quote:



Check out my other site, RPGreats, for honest RPG reviews!

8/01/2014

Like Clockwork, Part 5

Rocky

Perhaps, using a grid-like system, we could use some landmarks as guides and-

Zero X. Diamond
I am 97% certain that this line is plagiarized from something else.

Clockwork

[in realization] That is it!

Katie

What's it, Mr. Clockwork?

Clockwork

God is the key that will unlock the door to the stronghold of depravity! Much like a lantern, he is a light that will drive away the hold of darkness. All I will have to do is pray.

Spoony Spoonicus
It's time for a literal deus ex machina!

Rocky

It's so simple! Why didn't I think of that?

Katie

You were too busy thinking about yourself, Mr. Formello?

Zero X. Diamond
I... what?  What does this even mean??


Boss Bandit

That sounds just about right.

(Clockwork kneels, bows his head and puts his hands together. The others remain standing, but do the same otherwise.)

Clockwork

Father God in Heaven,

Zero X. Diamond
Rub a dub dub, thanks for the grub.


I come to you now in a time of great need. An evil to rival even the likes of Mephistopheles himself has arisen upon our Earth, and seeks to unmake everything that you have created. And just as a snake retreats to its hole, he has ensconced himself within a wall of black magic. Without your intervention, Lord, it would seem that all will be lost. Please, Lord. Thank you, Lord. Amen.

All
Amen.

Zero X. Diamond
And now, Psalty the Singing Songbook shows up with a gaggle of horrid children.


(The curtains open very slightly. Clockwork looks upstage, with a hand clearly over his eyes.)

Clockwork

I think that I can see something to the north.

Zero X. Diamond
That would be the stage, genius.  Generally what's behind closed curtains.


Rocky

[looking] I think you're right!

(The curtains open more.)

Boss Bandit

[also looking] By God, you're right! There is something!

Zero X. Diamond
There's something at a location and I'm sharing this information with things!


Katie

[looking as well] I see it!

(The curtains burst open the rest of the way. There is revealed a large, seamless castle made entirely of one stone.

Zero X. Diamond
This is supposed to sound impressive I'm sure, but I can't help but picture a little rock with an opening painted on it.


Littered about it are chunks of dirt and sod.)

Katie

It's so horrible!

Rocky

Amazing.

Clockwork

It is not of this world.

Zero X. Diamond
A few years after this, the History Channel would air a special that would proclaim exactly that: the evil stone fortress was the work of aliens.  Probably ancient aliens.  Because, you know, it's the History Channel., and aliens are all fucking over our history books.

Rocky

We have no time to lose. Let's go in there and stop that madman!

Clockwork

I am ready.

Katie

I'm ready!

Boss Bandit

I... I'm ready.

(They step inside of the monstrous stone building. Curtains close. End of Scene.)


Scene 10


(The scene is a large, stone room. To stage right is a stone throne, upon which is seated Rachettinello.

Spoony Spoonicus
Good to see he's hard at work on that plan of his to conquer the universe.

Zero X. Diamond
Hey man, Rome wasn't built in a day.  Dude's gotta do some major league relaxing after shaping the very earth to his will.

To stage left is a doorway. Scattered about the room are various gruesome things. Skeletal remains and the like.

Zero X. Diamond
Is he building an evil fortress or a haunted house?


The four heroes enter, stage left.)

Clockwork

Rachettinello!

Rachettinello

Well, if it isn't my good friend Clockwork! How are you this fine day?

Clockwork

Do not try me with your lies!

Rachettinello

You believed them for so long. Why the sudden change of heart?

Zero X. Diamond
I met a homeless man in prison, and he taught me the ways of the world!


Clockwork

I follow the path of righteousness. I was fooled by my desire to make a difference. I will not make that mistake again!

Rachettinello

Righteousness, eh? What about Zero Diamond? You killed him in cold blood. Why, you didn't even know him. For all you know, he was your birth father.

Zero X. Diamond
Uh, if he had a time machine, I guess that could be true...


 Hah! For all you know, I'm your birth father!

Clockwork

That is an odious fabrication! You are not my father!

Mayor Mike Haggar
I can't help but imagine this dialog being dubbed over the climactic scene from Empire Strikes Back by two people with poncy English accents, and that's pretty damn funny.


Rocky

Clockwork, he's only trying to get you confused with rage! Don't listen!

Rachettinello

And you, Formello. I remember you quite well. You sure knew how to cry those years ago. When I hacked your parents apart, you should recollect.

Zero X. Diamond
This is like, the one good image I've gotten from this entire stupid thing.  It's kind of like the Corpse Buddy of this story, only way less impressive.


You just cried up a storm, now didn't you?

Rocky

You... You!!

Rachettinello

Yes, you were without a doubt among the most helpless of children I've ever seen. Didn't even lift so much as a finger to help mom and pop.

Zero X. Diamond
Okay, let's be fair: what in the fuck is a little kid supposed to do while a grinning madman slowly chops his parents into pieces in front of him?


Just sat there and cried.

Rocky

No, no, no! You're not going to get to me!

Boss Bandit

Leave him alone, you weevil!

Spoony Spoonicus
SICK BURN!


Rachettinello

Let's not forget the glamorous Boss Bandit.

Mayor Mike Haggar
No, let's.

Boss Bandit

How did you-

Rachettinello

He and his incompetent lackeys, the only bandits on Earth who don't take in any money. They couldn't steal a nickel out of a blind man's cup.

Boss Bandit

Why you... I'll have you know I was a great bandit in my time!

Zero X. Diamond
Was your time 441 AD?  Because I might actually believe you if you say yes.


Rachettinello

That may be so, but your time is over. Now all you are is a worthless old loon who can't steal, and has no leadership skills. Not to mention what a craven little coward you are...

Spoony Spoonicus
Well, he did just volunteer to fight and die for two people he's known less than seventy minutes. That's brave in a really stupid sort of way...

Boss Bandit

[furious] You take that back!

Katie

Leave him alone!

Rachettinello

And you, Katie Moyomota. So small, so weak, so innocent. If you ask me, you're pathetic. Always asking questions, lacking in any real importance. Why would your father ask anything of you?

Clobberpuppy
He rode the short bus to school!  Give him a break.

Zero X. Diamond
 Because the author didn't feel comfortable writing Ryoto's character and the timeless anime trope of a stupid baby child saving the day was still fresh and exciting to me at the time?

Katie

Because he believes in me!

Rachettinello

Please, go easy on the humor! You couldn't put a dent in a plastic milk jug, let alone come anywhere near matching me in battle.

Katie

You're just a big jerk, aren't you?

Rachettinello

[aloud, seemingly to himself] Could he have picked a bunch any more rag-tag than this? I'd have a harder time fighting a group of angry senior citizens.

Spoony Spoonicus
He does have a point, you know.

Mayor Mike Haggar
Hey, don't underestimate senior citizens.  You can hide a lot of weapons in a wheelchair or a cane.


Boss Bandit

Why you-

Rocky

Stop it, you guys! All he's trying to do is yank our chains! He's trying to get us so angry we won't be able to concentrate on fighting.

(Rachettinello claps lightly.)

Rachettinello

Very good, Rocky. I'd be impressed, if I didn't already know of your intelligence.

Zero X. Diamond
And how low of a level it is.


Boss Bandit

How do you know all this? About me, and the boy, and the young lass?

Rachettinello

Why, I'm surprised with you, Boss! I would have thought it was more obvious.

Boss Bandit

Quit your stalling!

Rachettinello

Why, I can see it in all of you! Satanic magic has more uses than just building fortresses out of stone, you know.

Zero X. Diamond
It makes doing your taxes a breeze, and my laundry always comes out fresh as the day I bought it!


Yes, I can see just about everything in all of you. Clockwork, your sickening devotion to Christ. And Rocky, your devotion to your friends makes me want to vomit. Little Katie Moyomota, I gag every time I think about your strong sense of family. Let's not forget Boss Bandit's newly found sense of justice. When I see the lot of you, I have to swallow my own puke, in fear that I might lose it.

Zero X. Diamond
My precious, precious puke.  I don't know what I'd do if I lost you...


Rocky

So then, you're scared of us?

(He laughs uncontrollably.)

Rachettinello

Scared? Hahahaha! Of you? Hahahahahaha! You've got to be kidding! I can smear all four of you across the cold floor of my castle without any effort at all!

Clobberpuppy
Then why haven't you done it already?

Zero X. Diamond
He's utilizing the old internet standard: the puppetmaster ploy!  Dance my puppets, dance!


Rocky

I think you're bluffing.

(Rachettinello yawns loudly, and barely lifts one of his arms. Without warning, Rocky is jerked violently to stage left with great force.)

Katie

Mr. Formello!

(She runs over to him, and helps him to his feet.)

Rachettinello

I'm sorry, what was that? I wasn't listening.

Clockwork

Vilest of fiends!

Rachettinello

[innocently] Yes, sir?

Clockwork

Are we going to do battle, or are you too lowly a coward to do so?

Rachettinello

A coward, am I?

Clockwork

If you simply sit here and throw mocking comments at us, you are.

Rachettinello

You want a fight? Fine.

(He holds out a hand to stage right. A sword slides out, and he picks it up.)

Rachettinello

I will rain death down upon you all!

(And a battle breaks loose.

Zero X. Diamond
Again, I actively refuse to describe any of it to you.


Rachettinello, though outnumbered, keeps the upper hand. After a few minutes of fighting, he blasts them back with an unseen force and leaps atop his throne.)

Rachettinello

You all fight very well! Frankly, I'm shocked!

Clobberpuppy
Your mastery of kicking, biting and slap-fighting is particularly deadly, little girl!


 But let's see how well you fare when I mix in some of my power.

(Rachettinello laughs, then throws his arms up. The room falls pitch black.)

Klaus Nomi
TOOOOOOtal Eclipse!  It's a TOOOOOOtal Eclipse of the sun!


Clockwork

What trickery is this?

Katie

He... made the room... dark?

Zero X. Diamond
Pretty underwhelming, huh?


Boss Bandit

This isn't really that ba-

(He is cut short by a painful blow from Rachettinello.)

Rocky

Boss? Are you okay?

(There is no reply.)

Rocky

Boss?!?

Boss Bandit

Rocky...

Rocky

Boss, where are you? What happened?

Boss Bandit

He socked me a good one...

Zero X. Diamond
 A sword-wielding bandit who talks like a Popeye character and lives in the 21st century.  Yeah, okay.


Rocky

Do you think you'll be alright?

Boss Bandit

Yeah, I think I'll live.

(Rachettinello laughs insanely, and strikes out at Katie and Rocky. They let out sharp cries of pain, and drop to their knees.)

Rachettinello

They're lost in the dark, as vulnerable as newborn children!

(He continues laughing madly, over top of moans, groans and assorted noises associated with pain.)

Clockwork

I will not allow you to hurt my friends any more!

Rachettinello

Who are you to judge whether they live or die?

Clockwork

Who are you to torture them in their blindness?

Rachettinello

I am the harbinger of death! I am the uncreation of all living things! I am the conqueror of the universe! I... am... Rachettinello! You are but a grain of sand in the vastness of my new regality! Your utter destruction won't effect anyone or anything!

Clockwork

You are a sinner who speaks with a forked tongue. I will raze you from this Earth!

Rachettinello

You can't kill what you can't see!

Zero X. Diamond
Sonic the Hedgehog,
You can't kill what you can't see
Sonic the Hedgehog,
He's gonna make Mobius free!

Clockwork

[strong, determined] In the beginning God created the heavens and the earth. The earth was without form, and void; and darkness was on the face of the deep. And the Spirit of God was hovering over the face of the waters. Then God said, "Let there be light"...

(The darkness is immediately driven from the room.

Spoony Spoonicus
So does this make Clockwork God, then?  Because I'm pretty sure that violates another commandment.


 Rachettinello looks about, angry and slightly unnerved.)

Clockwork

And there was light. And God saw the light, that it was good; and God divided the light from the darkness.

Zero X. Diamond
You just wait until he says "Jesus wept" and makes Rachettinello cry uncontrollably.

Previous - Next