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8/04/2014

Like Clockwork, Part 6

Rachettinello

So, I see you've got a few tricks of your own. It's no matter. I have yet to unleash my true fury upon you fools!

Rocky
I'm calling your bluff.

Zero X. Diamond
I'll get rough, I'll get tough, I'll just call his bluff!


Rachettinello

Bluff, eh? You think I'm bluffing? You think I'm playing some sort of a game with you here?

Rocky

I think you're making things up to frighten us.

Zero X. Diamond
The guy who literally twisted a fortress out of a solid piece of stone with his Satanic magic is just making things up to scare you.

(Rachettinello gets uncomfortably close to Rocky.)

Zero X. Diamond
Oh boy, he's a close talker.


Rachettinello

I've been beaten, stabbed, stomped and immolated. I fought my way out of the belly of Hell itself.

(He looks him eye to eye, and lowers his sunglasses briefly so that their eyes actually meet.)

Zero X. Diamond
Deal with it.


Rachettinello

I have powers your mind cannot even fathom.

(Rocky leans closer to Rachettinello in an attempt to back him away.)

Zero X. Diamond
He gently caresses Rachettinello's cheek and leans in for a passionate kiss.


Rocky
I still think you're bluffing.

Boss Bandit

So do I.

Katie

Me too!

Zero X. Diamond
We all refuse to believe you have evil powers despite all the evidence that indicates you do!

Rachettinello

You want to see power then, huh? I'll give you power!

(He swoops his arms upward in a graceful manner, then grins evilly. With speed greater than before, he smacks all four of them in a row,

Zero X. Diamond
Wow, his evil power is to line them all up and run past them and slap them.  That's very impressive.


and stops at the other side of the stage.

Rocky runs over and punches him hard, but suddenly cries out in pain and is sent backwards and onto his knees. Rachettinello, unphased, laughs with insane delight.)

Rocky

My God, what was that horrible, burning sensation?

Rachettinello

A Martyr's shield. One of the many effects of my Avatar spell.

Zero X. Diamond
This Satanic magic brought to you by Exile 3: Ruined World.


Every little ounce of damage you do to me is done back to you. And since I'm also now invulnerable, I don't feel a thing.

Zero X. Diamond
I'm an emotionally stunted man.


Unlike you!

(And he kicks Rocky in the chin, sending him backwards. A fight breaks out again, with everyone trying to mostly avoid hitting Rachettinello and not get hit themselves. At first, they fare well, but after a bit more fighting they are less and less able to duck, dodge and parry. However, the spell, which is slowly wearing off, becomes evidently less strong. The battle begins to even out again, but Rachettinello still holds the upper hand.)

Zero X. Diamond
This would be really exciting if it were completely different and good.


Rachettinello

What's the matter? Am I tiring you out? But the fight's only just begun!

Clockwork

As long as there is life in my body, I will not give up!

Rachettinello

[ignoring Clockwork]

Zero X. Diamond
This should have been both the title and the main premise of this script.


Rocky, let's you and I play a little game.

Rocky

I won't be toyed with!

Rachettinello

You don't seem to understand. I'm not giving you a choice. It's time, my friend, for a MindDuel.

Yami Yugi
It's time to D-D-D-D-DDDDDDDDDDDDDDUEL!

Rocky

MindDuel?

Boss Bandit

Sounds dangerous!

Zero X. Diamond
I am contributing things to this scene!  Honest!


Rachettinello

Allow me to explain. I use my evil magic to penetrate your conscious mind,

Zero X. Diamond
Mind rape is no laughing matter.


 and both of us battle inside until one of us is incapacitated or killed.

Spoony Spoonicus
I have literally no reason to give you a fighting chance considering I have you completely at my mercy right now, but fuck it! MIND BATTLE!!!

Rocky

I'm not going to do it!

Rachettinello

I told you, Rocky, I'm giving you no choice.

(He holds his hands to his head, and Rocky screams out in horror. Rocky claws at his head madly, but slowly calms into an almost trancelike state. The others look on as they circle back and forth, both showing expressions of pain on their faces as they go.

Zero X. Diamond
Imagine watching this live on stage.  Try and picture the excitement of watching two actors silently walk in circles while occasionally flinching while all the other characters silently and motionlessly watch them.

It takes a while, but Rachettinello overpowers Rocky, who is thrown limp onto the ground, gasping for air. The others rush over to see him.)

Katie

Mr. Formello! Are you hurt?

Rocky

I... I can't feel my body...

Boss Bandit

Ewww! Just thinking of that sensation gives me chills.

Zero X. Diamond
 How sensitive of you.


Clockwork

Are you absolutely certain that you cannot move?

Rocky

I'm trying to get up, but I can't do it!

Zero X. Diamond
I've fallen and I can't get up!!


Boss Bandit

You horrid little man! I'll tear you a new mouth in the middle of your chest!

Spoony Spoonicus
I call it "the Colostomizer".
Zero X. Diamond
Then I'll shove a Betamax tape into it and your hand will turn into a gross fleshy gun and I'll compel you to murder a TV mogul.


Rachettinello

You're threatening me? I laugh at the thought! I still have thousands of powers you have yet to see!

(He leaps up onto his throne and sweeps his arms upward.)

Zero X. Diamond
 With all this jumping around and sweeping of the arms, you'd think this guy was a Disney villain or something.


Rachettinello

The rivers run red with the blood of the fallen!

(There is an unworldly screech and a loud rumble. It is at this point that many of the characters that aren't present at this point come on stage dressed as horrible, deformed dead things.

Clobberpuppy
Noooo!  Not Hobo John!
Mayor Mike Haggar
His name was Mitchell.


For the record, unlike most movie zombies, these are fast, deadly and efficient.)

Zero X. Diamond
Say what you will about Rachettinello, but at least he made the zombies run on time.

Spoony Spoonicus
They can brew coffee in half the time as average zombies!


Clockwork

What impious act is this?!?

Rachettinello

Why, it's my army of the dead! With a simple swoop of my arms, I control the forces of life and death. You can't win, fools! You just can't win!

Boss Bandit

Says you! I won't go out without a fight!

Rachettinello

What courage! What a valiant heart! It's pathetic.

(And they fight.

Zero X. Diamond
At this point, even young me was clearly getting bored.


Rachettinello simply stands on his throne, laughing insanely as the battle goes on, following it back and forth across the stage. Just when it seems to be in the favor of the heroes, a group of the zombies swarm around Boss Bandit and beat him into a bloody mess.

Zero X. Diamond
Why didn't they do this before he started laying on the cheese back in the forest?


Clockwork slays the rest of them, then the ones by Boss, and kneels at his side.)

Clockwork

Boss!

Boss Bandit

It's funny, Clockwork.

Clockwork

What is funny?

Zero X. Diamond
He's not asking Boss to clarify, he's literally asking what funny is.

Clobberpuppy
Baby don't hurt me!  Don't hurt me... no more!


Boss Bandit

How the world works.

Clockwork

I am not sure that I understand.

Spoony Spoonicus
"This is how people talk, right?" inquired the alien who wrote this.
"No, sir.  Not at all." replied his copy editor, growing ever more wary to his companion's extraterrestrial nature.

Boss Bandit

That I, the scum of the Earth, a lowly highwayman, should die defending the fate of the free world. Fighting for good.

Clockwork

No! You are not going to die!

(Boss Bandit smiles weakly.)

Boss Bandit

You're the most faithful person I've ever met, Clockwork. There ain't no changing that. But I'm not gonna be able to hang on.

Clockwork

But you still have so much to live for!

Zero X. Diamond
Like your painfully stupid and ineffectual henchmen!  Your filth-ridden camp in the woods!  Your complete rejection of the modern era!


Boss Bandit

[praying] Forgive me, father. Forgive me...

(And he dies. Rachettinello laughs insanely.)

Mayor Mike Haggar
This is the weirdest episode of Veggie Tales ever.

Rachettinello

One suffers from paralysis, the other lies slain upon the floor. Two remain standing. Standing to witness my next wave of attack!

(He jerks his arms violently downward.)

Rachettinello

The heavens tremble!!

(The whole room gets darker, and thunder starts rolling. If possible, a red light shines down on Rachettinello.

Mayor Mike Haggar
The way this is written, I wonder if he was actually planning to make a real play out of this.
Zero X. Diamond
Yes, absolutely.  I remember thinking how badass and awesome this all was, and how much I'd love to see it performed.


 There is a rumbling, as though the ground is shaking.)

Rachettinello

I am imbued with infernal energies! Behold my fury!

(And once again, they begin fighting. Rachettinello moves at as mind-numbing a speed as he can,

Mayor Mike Haggar
 Because if he was, it's going to be a challenge to do super speed and earthquakes as practical effects.

Zero X. Diamond
 Hence all the "if possibles" everywhere.  I may have been writing something incredibly stupid, but at least I knew how impractical half this shit was to do live on stage.


and attacks many times with an unseen force from a distance. Our heroes slowly lose, more and more, until finally...)

Rachettinello

From Hell's heart, I stab at thee!

Spoony Spoonicus
I can never not hear this line in Patrick Stewart's voice because I watched that made-for-TV movie of Moby Dick with him in it.


(He blasts Clockwork with his infernal energies with both arms, full blast. Clockwork is sent flying backwards. Rachettinello runs over and stomps on his chest. He coughs, and if possible, blood comes out.)

Clockwork

You have...

Rachettinello

Dealt you a mortal blow?

Clockwork

You accursed wretch... I confided in you, believed you for something that you were not... Something that you could simply never be...

Rachettinello

It was easier than it looked. You're the sorriest excuse for a human being I've ever seen.

Zero X. Diamond
This is pretty spot on, yeah.


You trust in everybody, you think that you're bound for greatness. Well, you're not! Here you are, slain by the powers of the very thing that you loathe, and felt you needed to protect the world from. All because you felt the need to trust an absolute stranger.

Clockwork

Even as I am in extremis, you taunt me.

Clobberpuppy
Don't wave your fancy French around at me!

Zero X. Diamond
I'd taunt In Extremis too.  Pretty lacklustre as far as early FPS games go.


Rachettinello

Because you're not worthy of your God.

Zero X. Diamond
Wow.  Damn.


Clockwork

I ask now for forgiveness of my God.

Mayor Mike Haggar
Boy, Donkey Ollie really went downhill in its second season.


(He pauses, and utters a quiet prayer with his eyes shut.)

Clockwork

Thus, I necrotize.

Zero X. Diamond
I want this on my tombstone.  As a quote attributed to "A Huge Fucking Dork".


(He dies. The only two left [discluding Rocky] are Rachettinello and Katie.)

Katie

No... NO!! You killed him!

Rachettinello

That's right, little girl. And with them finally out of the way, all that stands in my way now is you.

Zero X. Diamond
Way to go, zombie dad.  You picked such a good team that half are dead, one is paralyzed, and your only child is about to be murdered by an insane Satanic wizard.


And you're of absolutely no threat to me.

Katie

We'll see about that, you jerk!

(And they fight! The battle, sadly, is quite one-sided indeed. Rachettinello holds the upper hand throughout.

Mayor Mike Haggar
He's fighting a kindergartener, what do you expect?  That's like pitting Mike Tyson against Steve Urkel.

Spoony Spoonicus
A grown man with the powers of the devil is easily overpowering a schoolgirl?  But... that's not how anime works!


They fight around the room, until finally, they come to rest in front of the throne. Katie falls to her knees, tired out.)

Rachettinello

I don't see why your father had any confidence in you at all. Why, you're about as hard to fight as the common cold!

Katie

You can't scare me with your mean talk.

Rachettinello

[faking confusion] Oh?

Katie

I learned a lot of stuff from these guys, and one of them was to never give up when facing evil.

Zero X. Diamond
Others include "trust every stranger you meet," "instantly forgive your dad's murderer," and "not all zombies are as lovable as dad."


Rachettinello

How touching. It seems that I could break your bones, but I could never break your spirit.

William Wallace
They may kick our ass, but they'll never kick... OUR FREEDOM!


(He wipes a fake tear from his eye.)

Rachettinello

And that's why I'm simply going to ignore you, and reshape this planet to my liking.

Katie

No! You can't!

Rachettinello

Oh, but I disagree!

(It is at that moment that Zero Diamond steps out onto stage and comes around the throne.)

Zero X. Diamond
No!  NO!  I CALL BULLSHIT ON THIS!  CALLING BULLSHIT RIGHT FUCKING NOW!


Zero

You idiot.

(Rachettinello freezes with fear.)

Rachettinello

That voice... it can't be!

Mayor Mike Haggar
Not another convenient deus ex machina!


Zero

I could say the same about yours.

Mayor Mike Haggar
The adult vocabulary way of saying "no u"


(Rachettinello turns around and finds himself face-to-face with Zero.)

Zero X. Diamond
 BOIIIIIIING!!  Wah wah wah wah waaaaaaaaaaaah!


Rachettinello

But you died! You died, you can't be here!

Zero X. Diamond
No fair!  When I killed you, I called no comesies backsies!


Zero

I really don't see why you're so surprised. You yourself died and returned from the dead.

Rachettinello

Well, you're too late! I'm going to reshape the Earth, and you can't stop me!

Zero

That's what you think!

(The final battle ensues. Zero and Rachettinello fight hand-to-hand, and seem quite evenly matched. Eventually, Zero starts to pull through. Just as it seems Rachettinello will be killed, he blasts Zero back and runs off stage, laughing insanely.)

Zero X. Diamond
Note that the point of the assignment was to write a classical tragedy.  In such a story, EVERYBODY dies.  Instead, I defeated the point by letting the villain get away and having the first guy to die come back to life.  Somehow I did not consider this a violation of form.

Katie

Daddy!!

(She runs up to Zero and embraces him tightly.)

Zero

Hello, Katie-chan.

Zero X. Diamond
Knock off the shit, fuckwit!

Rocky

Zero...

Zero

Rocky?

(He rushes over to Rocky and tries to get him onto his feet. Once he fails, he carries him over to the throne and sits him down.)

Zero

Rocky, what happened?

Rocky

Oh my Lord, it was horrible! He forced me into this MindDuel thing, and I had to fight him inside of my own head. When I lost, I also lost my ability to walk...

Spoony Spoonicus
"I also can't do math anymore and everything tastes like purple..."


Zero

It'll be fine, Rocky. I'll make sure you're attended to by the finest doctors that money can buy.

Zero X. Diamond
Since the hell when is Zero rich?  Rocky's the sports car wizard here.  Meanwhile, this idiot lives in a shitty hut on an island.


Rocky

But Zero, how did you get back?

Zero

When I died, I was suddenly enveloped in a bright light. All at once, I'm swept away to a beautiful place where the streets were paved with gold. It was Heaven. That's when I met God.

Spoony Spoonicus
Boy, he's really hammering home the whole theology thing, isn't he?

Zero X. Diamond
*giant flashing neon sign that says "I'M A CHRISTIAN"*


Rocky

You met God?

Zero

Yes, and before you ask, I'm not allowed to tell you what he's like. Anyways, so I'm talking to God. I bring up the fact that I was killed by Clockwork, and he looks at me a bit funny. He tells me that Clockwork is one of the most religious men he has ever seen. Naturally, I'm confused. He allowed me to come back and get you two to go and avenge me.

Mayor Mike Haggar
Because that's what religion is all about - blood feuds and personal vengeance!


When I came back, I found out exactly who was truly behind my death.

Katie

But how'd you get back?

Zero

Well, when I found out Rachettinello was behind my death, naturally I was outraged. I asked God if there were any way I could be given my body and my life back. He thought about it, and then decided that I could be revived if two righteous ones compensated my own death.

Spoony Spoonicus
He was going to go the Baldr route of having everyone on the planet ask for his return, but he decided that wouldn't be Old Testament enough.

Zero X. Diamond
There was no way he'd get to come back if they'd went that route.


But what I want to know is... who was so righteous, so devoted... that they would sacrifice themselves for me?

Rocky

It was... them, Zero.

(Rocky points at the floor, and Zero looks. He sees both Boss Bandit and Clockwork lying there, dead. He crosses to Clockwork, kneels down and props him up over one of his knees. Katie crosses over to join him. He drops his head and closes his eyes. End of Scene.)

Spoony Spoonicus
The Passion of the Zero.
Mayor Mike Haggar
Well, that's the end.  What did everyone think?

The Angry Video Game Nerd
It's ASS!  It's
ASS!
Spoony Spoonicus
It's really stupid and bad, but it did get a chuckle out of me here and there just based on sheer ineptitude.  Which is more than I can say for some of the stories we've read.

Stay tuned for another dopey Zero story soon!

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