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Land of the Titans (An Aberration Arboretum Presentation)

Spoony Spoonicus
Here we go with another hilarious pile of feces from the younger days of our friend, our muse, and the constant rape and murder victim in all of these dumb stories, Zero Diamond.
Zero X. Diamond
You may or may not have noticed that I hadn't chimed in on this for quite a long time.  There is a reason for this: it is the worst thing I have ever written.  Previous outings can be excused as the self-insert fantasies of a sad, lonely boy.  Future writings can be shrugged off as the death knell of my stupid younger years as I slowly came to realize fan fiction wasn't worth it.  But this one?  This one was bad.  Real bad. 

For an idea, by the time Like Clockwork had been rewritten as a script, I had completely disowned the story and denied its very existence.  Chat logs exist where I decry it as the worst thing I'd ever written in the same context that I praised that turd as one of the best.  The story is even more self-centered garbage than its predecessors, completely shedding the facade of being an EarthBound IF by taking place in a completely  universe and only getting by's old "no non-EB IFs" rule by including the Chosen Four, reprising their roles as Zero's worthless stooges.  It serves as nothing but a vehicle with which to give Zero even more pointless items and powers and is a story that clearly has no goals or directions other than that.  Revisiting it is going to be painful, but at least I can laugh at it now.  I think.

It was a warm June night, 3 days after the marriage of the happy Zero Diamond and Ryoto, the beautiful cat-girl.

Zero X. Diamond
Gonna be blunt: they had lots of hard, sweaty, anime fancharacter sex.  You're welcome.
Spoony Spoonicus
And fourteen months after she successfully ended a chemical castration program and served a lengthy jail sentence for rape, public endangerment and failure to pay about $20 million in assault and property damage charges.

All was peaceful and calm. But it was not this way one month ago...

Zero X. Diamond
Getting married after knowing each other for less than a month: always a good idea.
Mayor Mike Haggar
Little known fact: Ryoto was voted "most likely to appear on Maury Povitch" in her class yearbook.

 No, not a month ago, when the evil Technoid Horde came. With it's Robots, Mutants, Aliens and all other imaginable evils, the Technoid Horde was a great force.

Zero X. Diamond
A great force of stupidity, maybe.

Led by a virus called Sigma, the Technoid Horde was feared by all who knew of it. Sigma was behind Giygas's invasion, and when he heard that mere children had destroyed Giygas, he became very angry. But the thing that sent the megalomaniacal floppy disk dwelling madman over the edge was a teenager.

Spoony Spoonicus
Due to memory limitations, "blind fury" was his only setting other than "throw endless hordes of easily destroyed robots at my persistent nemesis".
Zero X. Diamond
A malevolent AI that can be stored on a floppy disk would be less Sigma and more MegaHAL with a bunch of swear words in its training file.

This teenager, Zero Diamond, was cutting down technoid forces like a hot knife through butter. Sigma did not take this lightly.

Sigma ordered thousands of new technoids to be made. But no, not ordinary technoids. Far greater in strength, speed, intellegence and defense, these technoids were being built faster than dispatched.

Zero X. Diamond
 If the idiots they faced in Rise of the Technoids were vastly superior to their predecessors, I can only imagine the first line of technoids being blenders strapped to remote controlled cars.

Some were specially designed to destroy Zero Diamond, others to destroy Ness and his friends. And others were just cold blooded killers...

Zero Diamond was a great warrior, in skill and strategy alike.

Mayor Mike Haggar
In the same way that using a Game Genie to give yourself infinite lives and an unlimited supply of powerups makes you a "great gamer".

But nothing could prepare him for the accident in subspace. The accident happened when the great Technoid Horde cruiser, the "USS Devil Ray"

Mayor Mike Haggar

 was attacked in interdimensional flight, not by another ship, but by Zero Diamond himself. They were taken totally by surprise. Two heavy duty worker technoids were sent out to destroy him. He was knocked off the side of the ship and down a seperate wormhole.

Zero X. Diamond
He accidentally landed in Daventry and got eaten by the monsters in the moat of King Graham's castle.

Spoony Spoonicus
He awoke in a strange floating castle and was given the Zapper and the Power Pad as he fought against a bunch of loosely connected video game villains for control of Videoland!
And then he accidentally swung over the bar and became INSIDE-OUT BOY!

Zero fell, screaming all the way, into another dimension. This dimension was composed of many odd people.

Zero X. Diamond
They were so odd that there was simply no need to describe them nor their lands.

But odd as they were, they could speak English.

Zero X. Diamond
Ah, the Convenientplotdevicealites.

Zero trained among them for a long time. Finally, Zero learned a technique to travel through to different dimensions from them. And so, he used it to go to EagleLand and help fight against the Technoid Horde.

Ness and the gang had went out for a picnic when it happened.

Spoony Spoonicus
Because that's the only thing they ever do in these stories other than get one-upped by the author characters.

The sky grew dark and technoids came through a hole in the sky, going everywhere imaginable.

Spoony Spoonicus
They all really wanted to see Guardians of the Galaxy.

Then, they were attacked. But Zero came and saved them in the nick of time. Ness and friends had proven themselves incapable of destroying the technoids alone. But with the help of good friends like Zero Diamond and Ryoto,

Zero X. Diamond
 Everybody else gets the Professor and Mary Ann treatment here.

the technoids actually had something to fear.

Mayor Mike Haggar
Well, you're not supposed to outright admit that your self-insert Mary Sue character is just there to make the heroes of the franchise look like total shit by comparison.

Ryoto met Zero during this adventure. Sent by a certain character whom I cannot name,

Zero X. Diamond
For legal reasons.

she was to help him on his quest. When Zero was attacked by a ZXD-Hunter, she stepped in and demolished him. She freed Zero from an electrical net cast over him by the hunter. She fell in love on the spot. At first, the relationship was one sided, with Ryoto chasing Zero around, but when her life was threatened,

Spoony Spoonicus
and future battered spouse syndrome settled in

true love came through and Zero saved her from certain death.

Zero X. Diamond
This is literally how I thought love worked at one point.  You could fall in love with somebody just from looking at them, and as long as you continue to sexually harrass them, eventually they are required to reciprocate your feelings.  Fuck you, young me.

But, now, to the point. Sigma did not die. When all his other bodies were beaten, he took on ZXDoppelganger's, or Zero Doppelganger's, body.  He almost destroyed Zerocky Diamello, the combination of Zero Diamond and Rocky Formello, by reducing their dimensions from 3... to 2... then 1... and then 0.  But Zerocky miraculously came back when all hope seemed to be gone

Spoony Spoonicus
I want to say this was also what happened in the final episodes of Digimon, but I spend every day trying to forget that show exists so I refuse to go look it up.

and beat Sigma until he was near death. But Sigma set the Technoid HQ to Self-Destruct and escaped.

Letting Sigma live was a terrible mistake...

Tell me about it!  The series went so far downhill that it basically ruined Mega Man's name for a decade!
Mega Man
At least that period is over.  Too bad Capcom's too busy committing financial and PR suicide to notice the viability of the digital market and an overwhelming demand for more new Mega Man titles...

But now, to present matters. Zero and Ryoto were in bed, sleeping.

Zero X. Diamond
 Mere hours before, they were doing the horizontal mambo with enough force to break the bed frame.  You're welcome.

 Zero tossed and turned. His dreams were coming. But, this was not any ordinary dream.

Spoony Spoonicus
Microsoft finally found a way to monetize dreams and Chuck Norris was trying to sell him a Total Gym.

Zero X. Diamond
His life was a ridiculous mess filled with nonsensical happenings.  Everyone he knew behaved in strange and irrational ways, and every relationship he held with another person was completely wrong in every way.  Despite having the power to split the planet in half with his dick, he never felt strong enough.  He was a character in a shitty fan fiction being written by multiple self-centered teenage authors.  Funny as Hell, it was it was the most horrible thing he could think of.

 It was a carrier of an important message.

"Zero..." the voice called out. "Zero Diamond... please hear me out! You must travel through dimensions to the Land of the Titans and discover your true identity. Get ready and contact those who can help you!

If you've got a problem, if no one else can help, and if you can find them, maybe you can hire... The A-Team.

Now go..." Zero Diamond bolted upright in bed.

Zero X. Diamond
"That dream," he growled in frustration.  "What could it mean???"

The sudden movement awakened Ryoto. She sat up, stretched out, and yawned. "What's the matter, dear?" she asked. Zero responded, uneasily, "Well... it's the same dream I've been having for the past 3 days.

"I opted out, Microsoft!  I OPTED OUT!!"

 A voice keeps telling me I have to go to the Land of the Titans to seek my true identity." Ryoto looked blankly. Finally, she said, jokingly, "I think you should see a doctor about that..."

Zero X. Diamond
Zero should see a doctor about a lot of things.

Zero didn't laugh. He didn't feel it was a laughing matter.

Clown Man
Weakling!  This isn't a joking matter!

Ryoto said, "Zero, what're you going to do?"

Zero X. Diamond
"I'm gonna do the best I can," he said as he began to dance with moves rotoscoped from Cab Calloway.

He looked grimly ahead at the wall. "I guess I'm going to have to call Ness. The voice in the dream said I should contact those who can help me."

Zero picked up the phone. Ryoto hesitated, but then said, "Zero, why not just let it go? It might just be a coincidence. After all, it's just a dream..." It was apparent she didn't want Zero to have to go, but he began dialing.

Spoony Spoonicus
At 3 AM on a Tuesday.  What a good neighbor!

At Ness's house, way off in Onett, the phone rang. Ness bolted upright in bed, and went to go answer it.

Zero X. Diamond
What kind of fucked up house is this where the son is the one who answers the phone when it rings at three in the morning?

"Ugh, who would be calling at this time of night?"

Spoony Spoonicus
In my day, if you were calling someone at 3 o'clock in the morning it'd better be to let them know the Messiah was coming or they'd track you down and beat you to death with your own feet!

 He walked down the hall, down the stairs, and picked up the phone. "Hello? Zero, is that you? What's up man?" "Ness, get the others ready for battle, and come right over to the new Honeymoon Hotel in Summers."

Zero X. Diamond
Oh, there's no fire in the fireplace
There's no carpet on the floor
Don't try to order dinner
There's no kitchen anymore
But if the road's been kinda bumpy
And you need to rest a spell
Well, welcome home to the Honeymoon Hotel!

The next morning, there came a knock at Zero's door. He alerted the guests that he'd only be a minute, and got up to get dressed and grab a quick cup of coffee. When he was done, he went to answer the door. It was Ness and friends.

And their good friend Land Shark.

"What's this all about, Zero?" asked Ness.

Zero X. Diamond
"I had a bad dream and a voice told me to travel to another universe to remember who I actually am and that I needed to bring you with me."

"We've got to travel to the Land of the Titans and find my true identity.

Spoony Spoonicus
"Oh, is that all?"

Come to the Living Room and we'll get moving."

Zero X. Diamond
It's a proper noun.  Apparently this means their hotel room has a horrid room made of living flesh.

When they entered, Ryoto was waiting for Zero on the couch. "Hi honey! Are we all ready to go?" Zero looked uneasily, as Ness and friends sort of laughed in the background.

Spoony Spoonicus
"Hahaha... we're all sexist assholes."

"Ryoto, sweetheart, you... can't go." "WHAAAAAAAAT?!??!?" "It's too dangerous. I'm sorry..."

Zero X. Diamond
"Even though I've died more times than you've had breakfast and you've saved my life numerous times, I think it's best that oh-so-killable me and the helpless babies here rush headlong into danger without you."

Ryoto slumped back down on the couch and sulked. Her attention then turned back to Zero. He began the ceremony.

Zero X. Diamond
 After slaughtering the goat, he placed its still warm heart upon the obsidian altar and, after lighting the candles and finishing the pentagram, invoked the name of Galgamort.

Concentrating hard, an aura of light began taking shape around him. Then, a holy beam of light pierced the ceiling and surrounded him. He pulled out a Runed Stone and tossed it out in front of himself, and a portal exploded from it. Uneasily, the group ventured into it. The portal disappeared back into the stone.

Zero X. Diamond
Note that he just kind of knew to do all this bullshit, since the dream voice never specified how to get to this magical otherworld.

Ryoto began to cry. But then, she noticed the stone. She picked it up. "Hmm... I wonder if I could follow them somehow..." Her eyes moved, as if by magic, to a picture of Zero and Dr. Genesis on the wall.

Zero X. Diamond
She'd never realized that Zero was naked in that photo before, and found herself asking some uncomfortable questions about their relationship now.

She grinned an ear-to-ear grin and dashed out the door.

Mayor Mike Haggar
The wacky hijinks never stop here in Zero Diamond world!

At Dr. Genesis's labratory, the doorbell rang. The old man made his way to the door, and answered it. Ryoto cleared her throat and began, "Umm... hi. I'm Ryoto, Zero's wife. He uh... he just traveled into another dimension and I was wondering... if there was any way you could open the portal back out of this rock?" He smiled and nodded a happy yes, and showed her the "Atom Loosening Fission Machine."

Right next to the universal isometic frammistat and the hypercubic decolumnizing repercussion absorption emulator.

Zero X. Diamond
"I studied Non-Euclidean Geology at the Eagleland University of Mad Science!"

"This device," he explained, "will loosen the tight atoms of this stone. It could possibly re-open Zero's portal."

Zero X. Diamond
"Or it could just cause an explosion of unparallelled power, killing us both along with every living thing for miles around."

Ryoto jumped with glee. "Well, can you use it? Now would be a good time!" So, the doctor activated the machine. In about 5 minutes, the portal opened. Ryoto vanished through it in 5 seconds. The doctor left the portal running for anyone who would decide to help, and muttered, "Sometimes I wonder what Zero sees in that girl..."

Spoony Spoonicus
We're all a little curious, actually.

Zero X. Diamond
Breasts, a vagina, almost as obsessed with him as he himself is...

Zero and the others zipped through the purple swirling tunnel, which had physics similar to a waterslide. Jeff was amazed. He took notes on everything, though most of it was useless for the time being.

Mayor Mike Haggar
"Big tunnel full of psychedelic colors and patterns and a rad musical track by Yasunori Mitsuda."
Zero X. Diamond
But you just wait!  Someday, his dissertation on psychadelic rock-based interdimensional waterslide tunnels will win him a Nobel Prize!

Not far behind, Ryoto was sliding down. She was laughing and having a good time, like a child using a slide on a playground.

Sure she's infantile and kind of dumb, but at least she's not rape-crazy anymore!

There was a tremendous flash of light, and the group found themselves falling towards green grass. But they didn't even get a scratch. Their speed of Mach 6 was so immense, that when they entered the strange new dimension, it was reversed to a negative Mach 6, and they floated like feathers.

Spoony Spoonicus
They got the world's worst case of whiplash before they rocketed out of the stratosphere and into space, where they promptly froze to death.  The end.

Zero X. Diamond
Physics?  What the fuck is that?

Jeff was almost in shock from this oddity. He promptly noted it. They finally touched down.

Suddenly, a laugh was heard. They looked all around, until finally, they looked up. It was Ryoto, floating down, still laughing from her trip. Zero looked angrily at her and said, "Ryoto, I told you not to come!" She made a sad cat-girl face at Zero that just about broke his heart, and said, "I'm sorry Zero... I just wanted to help..." By this time, Zero was feeling like a first class heel.

Zero X. Diamond
 Because that's a term that's used outside of Looney Tunes cartoons.

The Iron Sheik
You not man up to your woman right away I put my first class heel up your ass you jabroni motherfucker!

"No... no... it's alright Ryoto. I'll probably need you."

So there they stood, looking out at the Land of the Titans from atop a hill.

Spoony Spoonicus
Hope you've got some gas-powered jetpacks and grappling hooks, you'll need em!

In the distance, there was a great stone palace atop a mountain with a HUGE gate. There was no doubt in anyone's mind that this was the Land of the Titans.

Zero X. Diamond
 I mean, hey, it looked like the brochure.

And then, they heard a voice. Not physically heard, but more mentally. Hey, guys, over here. All visitors to the Land of the Titans must sign the registry!

Zero X. Diamond
Sign our guestbook, then visit the other different dimensions in our webring!

Spoony Spoonicus
Ah, webrings.  A shitty 90s fad that I'm glad to see is dead.

They turned about and saw a desk. Behind it sat a frog. What, haven't you ever seen a telepathic frog before?

Mayor Mike Haggar
I probably have, but I'll be damned if I can remember where.

Zero X. Diamond
Oh, I get it.  This is going to be "zany" and "random," isn't it?

Everyone nodded their heads side to side. Well, you have now. Would you all please sign? They all signed, but when Zero finally signed, the frog hopped up and down ecstatically.

Zero X. Diamond
Congratulations, you're the one millionth visitor!!

Yippee! He has finally come to save us from tyranny and discover his true identity!

Zero looked perplexedly at the frog. "Who, me? I'm just your average hero, just like the others!"

Spoony Spoonicus
At least the character is modest, even if the author isn't.

Yes, yes, we all know! But you are a prophecy here! You are here to learn your identity, literally take in your history and save us from all the evils that are plaguing us! Everyone stared at the frog, except Paula, who didn't enjoy amphibians.

Zero X. Diamond
Girls hate frogs more than they hate me, right?

Oh, I'm sorry, I didn't introduce myself. I'm the Frog on the Hill. For your quest guidance, go speak to the elder. He's over there, you know, he's the Fool on the Hill.

Mayor Mike Haggar
I don't think I'd go on quest given to me by the Fool on the Hill.  Or anyone with "fool" in their name for that matter.

Zero X. Diamond
He'll introduce you to Mean Mr. Mustard and send you on a quest for the benefit of Mr. Kite in order to recover Maxwell's Silver Hammer from the Yellow Submarine.  Beatles reference.  Beatles reference.

Happy hunting, Mr. Diamond!

They looked up to the top of the hill, and saw a man levitating. So, they began climbing to him. When they finally reached him, he stopped levitating. But he did not open his eyes. "Ah, welcome my children. I see you have finally come, Zero. You must first seek to the town at the foot of this hill, Corolla Village,

Spoony Spoonicus
Grab a beer and drop your pants while you're there.

 and cleanse it of the evil Zuichtla Lampourolla,

Zero X. Diamond
A name decided by a man with a bad cold sneezing repeatedly while attempting to speak Italian.

the tyrant and injust self-made ruler and his minions. After you have done so, grab the scroll hidden behind his throne and read it. Now go!" And with that, the man pointed to the village, and they began their journey...

Irai listened to the cosmic forces using his pantented Cosmic Static player.

"Radio is for PANSIES!  Real men listen to static!"

Mayor Mike Haggar
Realer men listen to the 24-hour microphone feedback channel.

 Suddenly, a large crackle of static burst out of the machine. Irai jumped to his feet and looked at the indicator, then ran downstairs.
"Guys! A portal just opened at Zero's place! Looks like he's off on another adventure."
Ton looked up from feeding Kid Lavos.

Zero X. Diamond
 I can't help but imagine this as a tiny Lavos sitting in a high chair being fed shovelfuls of tripe and oeffal.

 "Huh, again? Who should we send this time?"
"Kraaakk!" KL spoke in his odd cracking speech.

Spoony Spoonicus
I'm not sure how I'd describe this sound but "cracking" definitely isn't it.

"Good point, not Nyeka. She's still a bit peeved that Zero married Ryoto and not her. How about Kato?"
Irai waved his hand dismissively. "Nah. He's up in space, `sides, he's with Sarala too."
"Dang... Marina?"
" Blast."
"No idea."
"1000 A.D."
"Odaiba, Japan."
"He doesn't live here, remember?"

The in-joke radar is off the charts, Captain!

"Right... well, we gotta send SOMEONE!"
Irai suddenly had an idea. "I'll go with Lucca!"
Ton stared at him in disbelief. "Uh... Lucca doesn't exist on this planet."
"Crud. What about you? I hear Paula's pretty cute..."
"Oh, forgot." Irai sat down again.

Spoony Spoonicus
"What was his name again?  Orange Kid?"

...And don't try to tell me it's Ness, either.  Go back and watch Earthbound's ending again.  Their final dialog is not worded that way at all.

KL then had an idea. "Kraakrakakaka!"
Ton jumped up. "What?! We can't send her! It's too dangerous."
"Kraaaaakakak!" Kid Lavos glared at Ton.

"My daddy will blow up your planet if you don't do what I say!"

"He's right, you know. We have no choice."
"Ugh.. Alright, fine. I'll go call her." Ton walked through the rooms in the tower until he found a pond with a large red gate standing in the middle of it. "Sigh... she better not go crazy, though..."

Spoony Spoonicus
Given our track record with women in these stories, I wouldn't bet on it.

Just before the portal closed, a small being fell through it. After landing much more gracefully than the others had, the figure looked around.
"Hmm, ha, where are they? Ah, that hill, there!" The small figure vanished.

Zero X. Diamond
 If this turns out to be some super irritating mascot-type character, I'm going to stage a walk out.

Zero started down the hill. The rest began to follow, but were interuppted by the aforementioned small figure appearing on Jeff's head.
"Ack!! Getitoff!" Jeff ran around, blindly hitting at what was on his head. It fell to the ground. Poo looked at it.
"An Oni! Prepare yourself for the hereafter, foul demon!"

Zero X. Diamond
Visitors in a strange new land they know nothing about, who just spoke with a telepathic frog, violently threatening a random character who they've just met.  We're off to a brilliant start.

He drew his sword and pointed it at the creature's nose. The Oni merely kicked the sword away.
"Get that thing away from me!" It stood up. "Geez, ya use your abilities these days, and someone wants ta cut your head off for it!"

Mayor Mike Haggar
That's not an oni, that's a leprechaun.

Paula looked sideways at the creature. "Um, excuse me... who, or what, are you?" By now, everyone had gathered around the small creature.
"I'm Kachiwa Oniwa, wa as in a wanderful girl!" Kachiwa smirked.

Living in a material world!

Spoony Spoonicus
Damn it, now I'm going to have that song stuck in my head for a month.

 "I'm an Oni, and was sent here by Tonberry to help you in your quest. Although, now that I've been pointed at with a sword, I'm not so sure I'll do it." She glared at Poo.
Ness introduced himself. "I'm Ness, and these are Paula, Jeff, Poo, Zero, and Ryoto. We're here because, uh, Zero, why are we here again?"

Zero X. Diamond
Why are we here, man?  Why are we here??  There won't be a hero's welcome waiting when we get home!  There are no parades!!

"We're here," Zero said, "because I must find my true identity, 'literally absorb my history',

Mayor Mike Haggar
Except that's not what he said.  Mistakes like that can get you killed, you know!

and fend off extreme evils." "Oh, right." Ness replied, embarassed. They continued walking down the hill. Suddenly, a large crunching noise was heard, like that of a machine moving. Then, they saw it.

It was a large, shining steel monster, with 8 crab-like legs. Atop was mounted a glass dome. Inside, sat a pig with clothes.

Spoony Spoonicus
HQ, Come in! Wilbur has gone rogue!  I repeat, WILBUR HAS GONE ROGUE!

"Oh my God... I... I don't believe it!" Ness stuttered, in disbelief. But it was. IT WAS POKEY!

"Hey there Spanky! *chortle snort snort* So, you finally found me, Spanky Boy! Hey, who're your friends? I guess they're just more pathetic circus side-show freaks like yourself." Both Zero and Ryoto, enraged, yelled out, "WHAT DID YOU CALL US?!?!?" Pokey snickered. "Temper temper!"

Zero and Ryoto snapped.

Zero X. Diamond
What a surprise!

He pulled out his saber sword and slashed the legs off the Spider Mech in a single sweep. Ryoto turned into a feral cat-creature and began ripping the body apart. Pokey shrieked in terror. The body fell apart and he jetted off in an egg-shaped booster. "I'll get you yet, losers!"

Mayor Mike Haggar
"Yep, I totally whipped your greatest enemy without even breaking a sweat.  Glad to have you here, Ness!"

Everyone stared blankly at Zero and Ryoto. The two blushed slightly because of their rash actions.

Zero X. Diamond
 It reminded them of when they snapped during their lovemaking the night before and it turned into a ultraviolent hypersexual wrestling match.  You're welcome.

But, the embarassment was soon replaced with happiness, as they reached the village. The village was very odd.

Zero X. Diamond
I take it "odd" is this story's method of trying not to have to describe anything too terribly much.

The houses were all pink. And the inhabitants were Flying Men!

Zero X. Diamond
See?  See??  It's TOTALLY about EarthBound!

"Woah..." said Ness. "This is surreal..."  Zero stepped forward and asked a Flying Man where the tyrant was. "Well, it's over that way. But, noone who enters ever comes out."

Zero X. Diamond
Nobody who enters the tyrant never comes out.  He executes his many homosexual lovers at the moment of their climax.

 "We'll fix that guy's wagon!" said Paula.

But first they had to spend two months by the side of the road waiting for someone who was willing to trade some of their 1300 bullets for a wagon yoke.

They walked towards the castle, when suddenly, a Flying Man burst out of it's gates. It ran up and grabbed Ness by the shirt. "HELP ME! I need refuge! The tyrant is going to burn me to death with his searing electrical mind powers!" The Flying Man cowered as two figures walked out of the castle.

"Come, Birdon, your fate beckons thee." they said. "No! We won't let you harm Birdon!" Ness called to them.   "Quite a pity." said one of the figures. The second nodded and replied, "Yes, they look like quite the good fighters." The two figures flipped several times and landed in front of them. They appeared to be Ninjii.

Mayor Mike Haggar
This isn't Land of the Titans, this is land of the Super Mario Brothers 2 villains.

 Jeff signaled everyone back. He walked up to the Ninjiis.

"Hello kind sirs. Have you ever heard of the Purpose of Meaning?" he said. "Uh... no?" "Well, let me explain it to you then! It's quite simple. You start with the speed of light squared. You multiply it by pi and add the speed of sound. Then, you subtract the variable n, which is discovered by dividing the current number times 3, divided by 9 plus 2. Then you..." Jeff's tatics had worked. The two guards had died from the painfully long math problem.

Zero X. Diamond
 Jeff saves the day with more horrible pseudoscientific bullshit.

Spoony Spoonicus
I think even Axe Cop would call bullshit on that one.

And so, in they walked...

Earlier, Bomberboy was at the wedding of Ryoto and Zero.

Zero X. Diamond
Oh joy, this guy.

He remembered the great adventures he had with him and wished he could thank him in some way bigger than words for freeing him when he was captured.

Anyhow, later he felt the presence of Zero his old friend and knew he was going on to save the world from Sigma again. Bomberboy knew exactly where he was.

Spoony Spoonicus
He got an advance copy of the script.

 So he opened a portal to Zero. Bomberboy stepped in and knew
he had quite an adventure ahead. Zero " OK everybody here let's go ahead" Bomberboy"

Mayor Mike Haggar
Ah, run-on sentence scripts.  I never get tired of them.  (Promptly overdoses on valium)

 HELLOOOOOOOOOOOO ZERO!!!!!" Zero" WTF Bomberboy what a long it has been."

Zero X. Diamond
What a long it has been.  Three days is a long time to has been, perhaps?

Bomberboy" HEHE Yes it has been. And don't think I've forgotten what you have for me." Zero"... What did I do."  Bomberboy" You saved my life when I was held captive by Mortar Doppler. I will back you up no matter what and that is a promise my friend."

Zero X. Diamond

Zero" Yes of course. Well, we bestr get started on our journey."

Spoony Spoonicus
The dialog here is on par with a 3DO game, so I can only imagine it with acting that bad to match.

Identity was something Agent Double 0 Nothing had long sought. Drifting from face to face, name to name, he wished to have one of his own, regretting his clumsy use of his now forgotten one.

At least he gets money for nothing and chicks for free.

 In this dimension, the land of the Titans, he was making some money as a temp, being a janitor at the local adventurer's guild. He looked at the signs every now and then, but one particular post this day caught his attention. It read:

Zero X. Diamond
Shitty "wacky" character needed for terrible IF.  Must have shaky to no backstory; stupid name preferable.  Be prepared to play second fiddle to a power-hungry teenager who doesn't know anything about how actual people interact.

***Identity Quest***
***1(one) Adventurer Wanted***
Native to LotT needed for guidance
And local wisdom!
Perks: A share of the gold
and glory, and a chance to discover your
true identity!

Spoony Spoonicus
That's the most on-the-nose quest posting I've ever seen.

This was a dream come true! Quickly, Agent Double 0 Nothing

Zero X. Diamond
 Since he appears to not actually be an agent working for any organization, does that mean this is literally what's on his birth certificate?

 changed into a new costume, one he'd been saving for a special occasion, and signed his name on the dotted line, as "Dr. Fielder Burns, available immed."

Then, as the bushy mustached, khaki-uniformed Dr. Fielder Burns,

Mayor Mike Haggar
Or Nigel Thornberry, whichever.

Agent waited for the adventurers to check in on their post.

The next morning, as everyone was getting ready to leave the village, Zero Diamond said, "Wait guys, I made a post at the local guild for a guide. I want to see if anything's turned up."

Entering the guild, Zero Diamond was delighted to find his post filled with... nothing. Oh, wait, there was one name.

Remind me to make an appointment at Lenscrafters.

...I wish I was getting paid for plugs like that.

 Zero Diamond rang the bell and called out, "Dr. FeeltheBurns?"

Zero X. Diamond
Jokes!  Jokes-a-plenty!

Someone behind him said, "Juss call me Fielder, mate."

Zero Diamond spun around, and saw a man smiling at him, from the front desk. "You're our new guide?"

Agent replied, "Oy, I sure 'ope so, mate. Oy 'aven't been on a good adventure in a while.

Zero X. Diamond
Oy, Bob's yer uncle, an' crumpets an' cricket an' wot wot!

Don't much care for gold'n'glory though. I've got enough goth on me o carry a party of 10 people though about 4 Lottic months." He pulled out a small treasure chest containing his pay and opened it, showing the glittering Goth.

Spoony Spoonicus
Well, someone's a fan of Ogre Battle.

Zero Diamond approached, but Agent Double 0 Nothing held out his hand to stop him. "'Old it, mate. Personal space and all."


"Oh roight, I betta explain. Y'see, Lottics need more personal space than the average dimension hopper, you see, about five paces is the rule of thumb."

Zero X. Diamond
I imagine that makes reproduction a might difficult for them.

"OK, then. I think we should get going. Welcome to the team, Doc- er, Fielder."

"Glad I could join, mate."

Mayor Mike Haggar
Oim not at all impersonatin' someone I saw on the TV.  Now let's go 'unt us a crocodile.  Crikey!

As soon as the party was rejoined and everyone acquainted with each other outside the building, there was a crash as someone landed in front of them. All the nearby adults rushed into their houses and bolted the doors. It was the king of the village, the injust self-proclaimed ruler Zuichtla Lampourolla.

Spoony Spoonicus
Whose name is an anagram of "A Cultural Phalli Zoom"

He looked like a Giant Crow with royal robes and a crown.

Zero X. Diamond
Konichiwa, honorable karasutengu!~

He made and evil grin, and pointed it at Zero Diamond.

"I foresaw your arrival, you middle-aged meddler.

Zero X. Diamond
Middle aged?  Dude's like 16!

There is no way that you will get your hands on this scroll!" Pulling a large scroll out of his robes, Zuichtla waved it tauntingly.

Zero Diamond reached for his sword, but Agent Double 0 Nothing decided 'here's where I'll make myself useful.' and stepped in front of the party, as if to make a demonstration.

Spoony Spoonicus
He's going to bore him to death with his sheer blandness.

Zero X. Diamond
You'd think a guy whose entire life is based around pretending to be people he isn't would maybe be able to come up with more interesting characters to play.

Mayor Mike Haggar
Chicken Boo was a more interesting character than this clown could ever hope to be.

"Now boys and girls, we're in for a real treat today. This is the wuld renowned, eivil king of this prosp'rous town, Zuichtla Lamp'roulla. His voile majesty has decided that on this rare occasion he will visit the town and mingle with it's citizens."

The king looked confused at this sudden invasion of his personal space, and at the boldness of this guide who seemed to be, mostly harmless.  Agent quickly pulled on the king's robe as he motioned for everyone to follow along. "C'mon mates, watch as the king makes nice with the local kiddies," and motioned to the king, who went over and tried his hand at hopscotch while the kids laughed and pointed at him. Some parents opened their doors and cautiously walked out to see. "And now, watch as the reclusive king now does his shopping in the bazaar, just like everyone else!" The king, amused, started to look around at the various wares.

"Wait, years of oppression and tyranny and all we had to do was narrate him into doing stuff this whole time?!"

During this time, Agent quietly walked over to Bomberboy. "'Scuse me a mo', but would'ja mind if I borrowed one o' these?" He said, holding up one of BB Bombs. Bomberboy, taken aback by the sudden procurement, said,

Zero X. Diamond
"Knock off the shit and talk like a normal person and I might respect you enough to agree to that."

 "Uh, ok." "Thanks pally."
Then, moving back to the side of the king for a second, he then said, "But we mustn't waste time here, we've got so much more to see! Don't we?" Facing the party, while standing behind Zuichtla, Agent Double 0 Nothing punctuated the question with the wave of a scroll. Everyone smiled. "Well, let's go, then, now over this way..."

Agent Double 0 Nothing led everyone out of the city in this way, and when they were a safe distance, he took out some soap, and spat into his hands and rubbed them into the soap. Then he made and a-ok sign with both hands so that a lens formed between the thumbs and forefingers, and looked through his new handmade telescope.

Zero X. Diamond
That's some pretty fucking amazing soap he has there.

Bomberboy approached him and asked, "What did you need the bomb for, Dr. B?"

"Hee hee, 'ave a look, mate." And held his hands out so BB could look. He saw Zuichtla with a confused look on his face, bringing out a scroll, smiling, opening the scroll to read it, and then ... BOOM!

Mayor Mike Haggar
You're dethpicable.

Zero Diamond smiled. "You could end up being useful after all, Fielder. So what does that scroll say?"

"It's written in ancient Lottic, and it says that the chosen ones will brave the dangers of the Fire Swamp, and rid it of the malicious R.O.U.S.s. And the Fire Swamp is where I've been guiding you all."

"R.O.U.S.s, huh? Are they dangerous?" Ness asked.

"Rodents of Unusual Size? I don't believe they exist." Agent replied.

Spoony Spoonicus
Stuff I've Seen: The fanfic!

So. To the Fire Swamp they went. What dangers lie beyond the borders? And what could they gain by wandering it's interior? Could the R.O.U.S.s pose a threat to the party? Will the party's Goth hold out? Keep reading to find out!

Spoony Spoonicus
I can only assume there's supposed to be a chapter break here, because otherwise that's just silly.

Zero X. Diamond
Of course it's not a chapter break.  Have you not seen how hard this guy was trying to be silly?

But the king was not as stupid as he had seemed.

Zero X. Diamond
Ah yes, somebody did something that young me didn't like.  Time to negate everything they just wrote about!

This would soon be found out, as the Fool on the Hill was heard shouting from the other end of town. "Stop Zero! The ruler is not dead! He hasn't even met you yet! The scroll was behind the throne, remember, my son? Zuichtla sent out a decoy to go replenish his strength and grab his Focus Sceptor. Birdon, the Flying Man Chief, is already inside, but needs your help. GO! Hurry!"

Mayor Mike Haggar
So the whole last page and a half was just a waste of time?  Good to know.

Everyone was puzzled, for at least a brief moment. They soon regained their senses, and marched on to the castle. There was no resistance getting in to the castle. Birdon was waiting by the throne room doors. "I need-" He was interrupted by Fielder, who said, "We know, we know, our help." Zero kicked the door down with one brutal swing of his foot.

"ZUICHTLA!!!" Birdon yelled. Zuichtla merely laughed a sinister laugh. "Foolish Flying Man, you cannot defeat me." Jeff motioned everyone back once again. "Have you ever heard of the Purpose of Meaning?" he asked, believing he had the situation under his control. "Yes I have, for I know all." Zero stepped forwards from behind everyone in the crowd. Zuichtla's jaw dropped almost clean off of his face.

"I-I-I... I had no idea... that the fabled avenger... would look... so much like the titan from the Great Stone Palace! Perhaps I underestimated you, Mr. Avenger.

Zero X. Diamond
 Excuse me, but the name's John Steed.

Spoony Spoonicus
So much for making this a long quest of discovery.  He might as well just be a big sign with an arrow saying "GO HERE", Sam and Max style.

 But no matter. I shall beat you, shock you, and burn you to death." Zuichtla said, with the tip of his sceptor beginning to spark. But Zero got an idea from Jeff.

"Here here my good man! Let us not be hasty! Why not have a battle of the wits, instead of beating each other to death like cavemen?" Zuichtla smiled a sinister smile and replied, "I accept your challenge. It was not wise to duel wits with me. Nice knowing you, Mr. Avenger." Zero smirked, and replied, "Then it's agreed, the winner takes the throne, the loser has to contribute the rest of his life to helping those in need, down in the village."

Mayor Mike Haggar
Well, he may be a tyrannical, murderous brigand, but at least he plays by the rules!

Suddenly, a table, two chairs, a blackboard and some chalk all popped up from the floor. Zuichtla and Zero took their seats. Jeff walked over to the table, posing as a referee. "Ok boys, here's the rules. Keep it clean, don't make things up and no interfering with your oppoenent's train of thought! Now then... LET'S GET READY TO RRRRRRRUMMMMMMMMMMBLLLLLLLLLLE!!!"

Zero X. Diamond
Fuck me.  Fuck me.  Fuck me.  I want to die.

 A bell sounded, and the two began. (No names are used during this, because it's a cycle, starting with Zero, then Zuichtla, then Zero, then him, you get the point)

Spoony Spoonicus
(Cues the Danganronpa class trial music)

"Who was the other man in Aaron Burr's duel?" "Alexander Hamilton. When and who was the inventor of the first air thermometer?" "Gallileio Gallilei, 1592. Who voiced the closing noise to many Looney Toons cartoons?" "Bob Clampett.

The Riddler
What do you call a sleeping bull?  Answer!

A bulldozer!

The Riddler

What is the exact value of pi?" "It cannot be calculated, for it is an endless number. How does non-dairy creamer work?"

Zero X. Diamond
This fucking joke again?  Was it required somewhere in my contract that I snuck this slimy turd of a joke into everything I wrote before the year 2006?

Zero's last question completely stumped Zuichtla. He began to sweat, and dart his eyes back and forth. But he couldn't take it, and passed out. Jeff did the count and declared Zero the winner. Everyone rushed over to Zero. "How DID you do it, Zero?" asked Paula. "Simple! Noone knows how non-dairy creamer works, not even me!" They all had a good laugh.

Zero X. Diamond
Then Zero shouted "Scooby dooby doooooooooooooo!!"  Fade to credits.

Zuichtla and his minions were promptly thrown out of the castle, and the kingdom was returned to Birdon. Suddenly, Ness remembered, "Zero, the scroll! Behind the throne, remember?" Zero nodded and rushed to secure it. There was, indeed, a scroll behind the throne.

If he'd just decided to move it somewhere else after tidying up one day, this whole quest would have hit the can!

He picked it up and read it.

[i]Greetings, Zero Diamond, I'm glad you finally are reading this.

Zero X. Diamond
They call him by name?  This is one fuckin' specific prophecy here.

Your quest is to seek the Titanic Key, the one and only object that can open the gate to the Great Stone Palace. Not even the powerful Titan within can open it's doors.

Spoony Spoonicus
To get it, you must grab Bowser by the tail and throw him into a naval mine.

You, of course, know that you are here to seek your true identity. These scrolls will guide you through your journey. When you cleanse the 15th and final place of evil,

Zero X. Diamond
Hahahaha, seriously?  I was gonna milk this shit over fifteen more important locations?

a great light will engulf you, and a great golden scroll will float from the heavens into your hand.

The final scroll will tell you the location of the key. This scroll will give you your next mission. Next, you will move to Limestone Cliffs, and defeat the terrible golem, Limenelli.

Zero X. Diamond
You must team up with Lyman and put the lime in the coconut while drinking limeade and eating key lime pie.

Finally, I must say, by "literally absorbing your history", it meant you will form a permanent merge with your ancestors, after every quest.

Mayor Mike Haggar
Boy, they've really got this planned out down to the last detail, don't they?

Your first ancestor, Theodore Falwell,

Spoony Spoonicus
No relation to Jerry, hopefully.

 is in a large tree in the village square. He was a hero in the Revolutionary War in America, who dressed himself as a redcoat, killed many from inside the ranks, and then vanished without a trace.

Our hero!

Mayor Mike Haggar
Wasn't this the plot to Assassin's Creed 3?

Zero X. Diamond
 It's great because I think even I had no fucking idea where Zero was actually supposed to be from.

You will battle him, and when he finally gives up, he will go translucent and go into your body, giving you his best skill, and if he has any, his items and his best weapon.

Zero X. Diamond
Because if there's anything Zero Diamond needs, it's more fucking powers, items, and weapons!

Spoony Spoonicus
Well, look on the bright side: At least you didn't document every single one of them in a 100+ page wiki article.

Go and find him! Good luck!"

Everyone looked, awe-struck, at Zero. But then, Zero signaled them to follow, and they headed for the tree in the village square. Jeff examined the tree closely. "Zero," he said, "there appears to be a mark on it, shaped like the handle of your Saber Sword." As if he knew he had to, he put the handle in the imprint. The whole tree split in two, revealing a hole.

Zero X. Diamond
This is my hole!  It was meant for me!!

Zero jumped in, grabbing his sword on his way.

He fell what seemed like miles into the gaping hole. Finally, he hit the ground.

Mayor Mike Haggar
Turning into a red paste as he did so.

 In awe, he stared at the wall. There was a diamondic case on it. Inside, there was a 16 year old boy, dressed in a redcoat uniform, with parted blonde hair.

Zero X. Diamond
A sixteen year old who was able to pass for an adult soldier without any suspicion and then kill tons of dudes in secret.  Yeah, okay.

Curiously, he walked towards it. When he finally came to it, he touched it to feel it's surface.

The whole room began shaking, and the diamondic case began to crack. Zero backed away, just before a large chunk knocked him flat on his head. The case burst open, and a flash of rainbow colored light came from it.

Spoony Spoonicus
Zero was fully revived by a random Pray effect.  How ironic.

The figure, frozen in a near cryogenetic state for so long, stood up. "Ugh... what a long rest... he must be here, like that old man promised me..."

Theodore stretched out his long unused muscles. He turned and noticed Zero. "Hey, are you my distant relative that I was told to expect when I awakent?"

Zero X. Diamond
So what I'm getting here is that Zero's ancestors were all kidnapped by some old man who explained that they would wake up, fight a distant relative, and cease to exist if they lost.  And they're okay with it.  And apparently they all had sex at a really early age if Zero somehow exists despite this guy being frozen since age 16.

he asked Zero, eying him over. "Well, yeah, if your name is Theodore Falwell." The rebel smiled a warm smile, held out his hand, and said, "Please, call me Ted."

"By the way, who did win the war?" he asked. "The Americans kicked some serious redcoat butt!" "Yeah! That's great! I knew the patriots would win! Too bad that my grand Scimitar and power didn't help too much..."

Zero X. Diamond
A giant, impractical sword wasn't very helpful in a war fought with guns?  I can't believe it.

 Zero asked, puzzledly, "What power is that?" "The ability to make any weapon I use leap into flames." Zero was in awe.

"I applied to join the League of Extraordinary Gentlemen, but they didn't get back to me in time."

Ted remembered what the Fool on the Hill had said. "Oh, Zero?" "Yeah?" "Nothing against you man, but... we gotta fight!" "Fine... but make it quick!"

* Ted attacked!
* Zero Diamond pulled out his Saber Sword and brutally swiped at Ted! 346 HP of damage done to Ted! Ted gave up! Ted became part of Zero Diamond!

Spoony Spoonicus
Well, that was anticlimactic.

* Zero Diamond's guts went up by 10!
* Zero Diamond learned "Flame Weapons"!
* Zero Diamond's Saber Sword absorbed the Steel Rapier!

Mayor Mike Haggar
A beam sword absorbed the properties of a steel rapier?  Wouldn't that make it weaker?

Zero X. Diamond
 His grand Scimitar is a steel rapier.  Of course, it all makes sense.

"Well," said Zero, "he's a nice guy. I'm happy to have him as part of me." Zero jumped to the hole, and climbed up it. "Hey guys! It went pretty well down there. I'm now the proud owner of a body-sharing patriot!"

Zero X. Diamond
Great, now he's gonna start a Tumblr for all his stupid headmates.

Everyone gave a cheer of happiness, and they continued on their way to the Limestone Cliffs. But, just half a mile out of town, they encountered...

......... Robo-Golem!!! Robo-Golem"I have come to stop you Zero , however I believe Bomberboy already knows me." Bomberboy" What do you want you go go rock?" Robo-Golem" to settle our score you think you beat me last time well guess again." Bomberboy remembered last time. it was the most grueling match he ever encountered and it almost cost him his life. The battle took place a week before the wedding of Ryoto and Zero. Bomberboy was trying to discover himself when he was struck by the final technoid.

Zero X. Diamond
 He was living in an isolated cabin by a lake, painting sunsets and writing poetry lamenting his lack of grammar skills.

Bomberboy" I was off balance when you attacked me. I'm ready for you now." Robo-Golem" Fine me vs. you one last time no interference mr. Diamond it will be your time to die soon enough ." Zero" Huh?" Bomberboy" He's mine! Yeeeaaagh!"

The Micro Machine Man

Bomberboy encounters Robo-Golem
Bomberboy uses electric bomb 150 damage
Robo Golem attacks BAAAAAAAAAAAAAAASSSSHHH 300 damage
Bomberboy uses Portal Seal Psi omega
Portal engulfs Robo Golem 500 damage


Seal fails
Robo Golem uses super smasher beta 200 bomberboy is barely able to function and is in critical condition
Bom,berboy uses Big electric bomb 300 damage
Robo Golem is defeated.
Bomberboy goes up levels and gains 10 vital
and learnS how to make "Robotic bombs"

Spoony Spoonicus
He doesn't need to level up for that.  Just find the remote control powerup in a random block.

Bomberboy " and just in case you can come back Portal seal omega" A giant portal of black engulfs Robo-Golem and the Seal WORKS.
Zero " Good job and someday You'll have to explain what that was all about but not now."

Zero X. Diamond
You're a great fighter.  By the way, what the fuck just happened?  Don't tell me.

 Zero then proceded to....

Mayor Mike Haggar
Forego finishing the story for the rest of time.

Zero X. Diamond
Never post in the thread again, letting it die a slow and painful death in obscurity.  In time, he would come to regret ever having written it, realizing that maybe Zero was already a retardedly overpowered character whose only downside was a penchant for dying and that he didn't need more fucking redundant powers and weapons.  Over a decade later, he'd return to the story in order to make fun of it for an internet audience, also regretting that decision but being glad that it was at least mercifully short.