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7/05/2014

The seven brands of Youtube Morons

#1: The Know-It-All

Loves to insist that you're objectively wrong about everything because they have a Facebook page with six followers who hang onto their every word and they have expert knowledge to back up their claims, all the while seemingly unaware that literally anyone can locate a word-for-word copy of their expert knowledge in five seconds by typing the topic in question into Google and hitting "I'm Feeling Lucky."  So convinced are they of their own superiority and intellect that they go around digging up comments from weeks, months or even years ago just to lecture people on how incorrect they are.  Not withstanding that if they were even reasonably intelligent, they'd be too busy attending class or making a living wage at a full time job to do this crap in the first place.  But don't bother telling them that, because if their gods Reddit, Tumblr and 4chan all say that they're in the right and their yes-men all say the same, then nothing will ever convince them otherwise.  Hell, they've probably already forgotten about you and moved on to the next comments page full of stray sheep they feel the need to enlighten with second-hand knowledge on topics nobody ever asked about...

#2: The Contrarian

No two of them can agree on what exactly makes their position right, but they all agree that yours is wrong.  So much so that they don't need to have any kind of counterargument or even more than a cursory knowledge of the subject at hand* when they confront you; they simply expect you to change your mind because you now know that somebody's dummy account with a generic anime avatar, zero videos, zero favorites and three comments posted disagrees with you.  Bonus points if they start making empty threats against you for refusing to back down, notwithstanding that they don't even have the balls to threaten you with an account they won't close in five minutes just to avoid being traced...

*In such a case, the conversation inevitably goes something like this:
X: Sonic CD is the best Sonic game ever made
Dumbass: NO FUCK YOU SONIC 2 IS BETTER
X: Have you even played Sonic CD, or are you just running your mouth again?
Dumbass: NOPE BUT SONIC 2 IS STILL BETTER

#3: The Self-Righteous Crusader

Like the Contrarian and the Know-it-All, they are completely convinced of their own moral superiority and intelligence to the point where they absolutely must prove it to every person that dares to have an opinion on anything remotely related to that topic.  To that end, they spend every minute combing through the comments of every single video on the site calling out anyone who dares to disagree with them on any front, because how dare they have an opinion different from some asshole on the internet they've never spoken to before and will never meet in real life!  Woe to anyone who tries to rebut them, too, because whether you actually agree with them or not, they'll simply cherry-pick through your comment, set up straw men and twist your words to make you their enemy so they have someone to fight against.  They're not even interested in "being right about anything" as much as they are "winning an argument"; they keep to their guns for hours/days/weeks repeating the same argument verbatim and dragging out red herrings, circular logic and playing the victim card* endlessly until their opponents realize that indulging this moron is the equivalent of arguing with a wall with the words "I'M RIGHT DAMMIT" spray-painted on and end the conversation.  This qualifies as a "victory" in their eyes despite the fact that they've failed to change a single person's mind about anything (which, silly me, I thought was the whole point of an argument).  The only way to win with these people is to not engage them at all and let them think they've won by default, because you're sure as fuck never going to convince them that they're in any way misguided or mistaken - their gods at Tumblr, Reddit and 4chan and the six yes-men who they've harassed and threatened into clinging to their every word would never let them live that down!

Even better are those who crusade on someone else's behalf, usually calling people a "ripoff" because they deign to express the same opinion as or have a remotely similar screen name or format to their favorite established creator. They do all this crap presumably in the hopes that their hero will eventually acknowledge their obnoxious, trollish behavior and cut them a fat check in recognition of their righteous crusade.  Instead of just, you know, telling them to fuck off and quit pretending they represent them...

* My favorite variation on this bit of stupid being when they make an inaccurate statement, get proven wrong, then they cry over and over again that "it's just my opinion, quit criticizing me, first amendment, etc etc.", effectively equating any critique toward their ideas to an ad hominem attack.  Oh, how very clever of them.  Not.

#4: The Troll Fisherman

Closely related to the Crusader, but more passive, preferring instead to seek out largely unwatched videos and post an inflammatory comment, then wait by their computer for weeks or months for someone to engage them so they can claim moral superiority over their "attacker".  In the very likely chance nobody bothers to reply, they'll simply repost their argument verbatim on the same video - despite the fact that their old comment from six months ago is still on the top page - and continue waiting.  Fortunately, this seems to be a dying breed, as most people have learned that shit-posting idiots with Advice Dog, Milhouse, Pedobear or any Dragonball Z/Sonic character as their channel avatars aren't even worth giving the time of day...

#5: The Three Year Old Bigot

Convinced of their own superiority and righteousness to the point where they don't need things like "arguments" or "logic" or even anything in particular to bitch about; they just click through a huge web of related videos and slam their fists repeatedly against the keyboard, letting their redneck daddy's auto-complete fill in the only words he knows how to spell.  These usually include such endearing terms as "spic", "kike", "nigger", "tranny", "faggot" and "retard".  They can also be sighted by their perpetually broken Shift, Caps Lock and period keys, as every single thing they type is just one lengthy and unreadable run-on sentence in this format:

HEY FAT FUCK, I LIVE RIGHT ON THE UPPER WEST IN YOU REALLY ARE IN NYC, A TRUE NYC MAN WOULDNT TALK SHIT, YOU WOULD HAVE STREET SMARTS, YOUR A FAT FUCK AND I WANT TO TEACH YOU A LESSON YOU FAT FUCKIN UGLY FAT FUCK, I CANT EVEN SAY IT RIGHT, GIVE ME AN ADDRESS COWARD, YOUR A COWARD

They also love to insist that you're a "coward" if you refuse to indulge their bullshit or an "enemy of freedom" if you ban them for their prejudiced views, insistent use of "fail" as a noun and terrible attitude toward everything around them.  That said, it's generally safe to ignore them because they can't even comprehend words with more than three syllables or remember the name of the channel that banned them two hours ago, let alone stay employed and out of jail long enough to afford a gun license or a car...

#6: The Entitled Elitist

Contributes absolutely nothing worthwhile to Youtube or its communities, but that certainly won't stop them from expecting everyone, up to and including content creators, to treat them like a king and pander to their every whim while offering dick-all in exchange.  So convinced are they of their status as an "important shareholder" and "someone to be feared" that threatening to unsubscribe from a channel or use Adblock to withhold 0.01 cents of someone's ad revenue a week is somehow a credible danger in their book.  Fortunately, they can also largely be ignored, as they're too busy masturbating over their own sense of self-worth to realize that nobody gives a single fuck what they think.

It's also quite fun to see them spout out the tired old line of: "I want my precious time back for watching this".  Well guess what, chief: even if I could give you your "precious time" back, I wouldn't.  It's not like you'd put it to any better use anyway considering that you have nothing better to do with your "precious time" than scream at people you hate and make impossible demands of complete strangers like a fucking four-year-old...

Also, they always, ALWAYS seem to have a Final Fantasy XIII or Kingdom Hearts avatar.  Make of that what you will.

#7: The Youtube Prima Donna

Hits, Likes and positive comments are everything to them.  Everything.  Deathly important.  Moreso than their own lives.  To that end they spend every waking moment making dummy accounts, going to popular videos, combing through the user page of every single commenter and begging them to watch their shitty knockoff of Francis or AVGN or Best Friends or Game Grumps or Yugioh the Abridged Series because it's "just as good, honest!".  Never mind that they have absolutely no charisma, talent or writing chops, no drive to develop any of said things, insist on never doing a second take, don't know how Windows Movie Maker works and the best they can do for "video capture" is point a Playstation Eye at the TV (which always looks like complete shit and has nearly inaudible sound).  Hell, my stupid videos are bottom-of-the-barrel for production values, and even I know well enough to use a f'ing capture card and Bandicam or Fraps....

Bonus douchebag points if they waste every minute they're not spending on creating unwatchable garbage subbing to every channel and liking every single video they come across (only to leave a whiny message on that person's account months later when they don't reciprocate, as if clicking a button on a web page is in any way a "favor" people are obligated to repay) or leaving scathing comments on Littlekuriboh's videos whining about how he doesn't update enough so they can steal more of his jokes, or having complete meltdowns on their own comments pages because someone dared to criticize their work for just not being very good.  Even better if they fire out some variation on the phrase "I'll make your sorry when I get famous and popular", because never has an emptier threat been spoken in the entire history of threat-making.  Even a grade schooler will tell you that if the only reason you create content is to amass a personal army, you're probably not a person worthy of praise or respect!