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7/25/2014

Like Clockwork, Part 3

Katie

Oh, I get it. He knows the two of us, but not you.

Zero X. Diamond
Thank you for telling the audience.  I'm sure they wouldn't get it otherwise.


Rocky

Something like that. Now quick, behind the trees!

(They duck behind the nearest trees.

Zero X. Diamond
As opposed to running several miles away and ducking behind those.


Clockwork runs in, stops quickly, and heads over to the clearing. He pulls the axe out of the stump and makes like he's about to chop the nearest tree. Rocky steps out and walks over to him, stage right.)

Rocky

Good day, sir!

Unhelpful Text Parser
The lumberjack just ignores Alexander.


(Clockwork stops, and slowly lowers the axe.  He leans on the handle, if possible.)

The Penguin
Thanks to my new invention, the Unleanable Handle, he never will!  Mreeeh hreeh hreeeh!


Clockwork

A good day to you as well. Would it be of any discommode if I were to ask you who you might be?

Zero X. Diamond
 Diss commode?  He's insulting a toilet??


Rocky

Why, none at all. My name is Rocky. Rocky Formello. Pleased to meet you, mister... ?

Clockwork

I am known as Clockwork. What brings you out to this neck of the woods, outlander?

Zero X. Diamond
Naw, I was more a fan of Quarantine.

Mayor Mike Haggar
Hunting for scrib cabbage and horn lily bulbs.

Rocky

Just looking for a villainous sot. Killed my best friend.

Clockwork

[shocked] That is terrible! What manner of fiend was this sot?

Spoony Spoonicus
I'll tell you as long as you both promise to never use the word "sot" again.

Rocky

Oh, terrible, evil man. Very strong, and assumedly very smart.

Zero X. Diamond
 And he's a crooked, jerky jockey and he rides a crooked hoss.


Clockwork

Perhaps you would like some assistance on your quest?

Rocky

[confused] What do you mean, assistance?

Clockwork

I stand for justice. All those who infringe upon it, I seek out and immolate. It is the will of God.

Spoony Spoonicus
Without getting into a whole Biblical debate, I'm pretty sure there's a thing called the fifth commandment which states "thou shalt not murder".

Rocky

You're lying through your teeth.

Clockwork

[outraged] On what grounds do you base these far-fetched claims?

Rocky

On the grounds that you killed an innocent man!

Clockwork

What innocent man? The only man I have killed in my life was that demonic fellow, Zero Diamond.

Rocky

Demonic? What are you talking about?

Clockwork

My master told me all about what he has done. All the hundreds of innocent people he has sent to futurity. Why, he may have just as well been the Tempter himself!

Mayor Mike Haggar
That sounds less like Satan and more like "bad video game villain #532,214".
Zero X. Diamond
I can't hold this back anymore: NOBODY TALKS LIKE THIS!  NOBODY EVER TALKED LIKE THIS!!


Rocky

Zero never killed anyone without cause.

Zero X. Diamond
Zero Diamond stars in: "Not A Killer Without A Cause"


Clockwork

What do you mean? Are you insinuating that master is telling me lies?

Rocky

Maybe I am, because this master of yours sure isn't a very good source of information. To think Zero would kill for pleasure...

Clockwork

This does not make sense. Why would master lie to me?

Rocky

Who is this master you keep speaking of?

Clockwork

The man who has been taking care of me for the past two years.

Zero X. Diamond
 Wait, so it's only been two years?  Clockwork's master shows up at this church that he's been at since he was a baby, suddenly all the priests start dying, and he doesn't immediately suspect it's the weird new guy in the hooded robe with the sunglasses and the scar?

Rocky

Yes, but does he have a name?

Clockwork

He has never told me his name.

Clobberpuppy
"Do you know how hard it is to pull off a badass execution when you can't even say something like 'Bob sends his regards'?  It's awful!"

Rocky

Don't you think that seems just a little out of the ordinary?

Clockwork

Perhaps you are right. But why would master wish me to kill an innocent man?

Spoony Spoonicus
Because he's the most unsubtle villain this side of Verminous Skumm?
Zero X. Diamond
"Hey, don't drink from the same fountain as him," said Rachettinello.  "You'll get AIDS!"

Rocky

Maybe he isn't the man he claims to be. Maybe, instead, he's the killer he speaks of.

Clockwork

Would you happen to know any of his foes by name?

Zero X. Diamond
Oh sure, there's Krumulotta, The Amazing Siegfried, Jerry Jones the Jovial Juggler, Seinfeld's Evil Twin, Mambo Time Johnny, Doctor Pennyfarthing, Mazmo the Magician, Kerbonkulort, Master Kramberto...

Rocky

I know of two of them,

Zero X. Diamond
You apparently have the memory of a seabed sponge, considering you met way the hell more of them than just two.

but one is in another dimension, and the other was reduced to ash in a battle to the death.

Clockwork

That is interesting.

Mayor Mike Haggar
"You actually bought that, huh?  Okay.  I also have an e-mail request from a Nigerian prince who wants you to launder some money out of the hands of African warlords..."

 Master told me recently of a fight in which he feigned his death. I must take my leave now, so that I may get the facts straight. Thank you, Mr. Formello. It has been a most enlightening experience talking with you.

(Clockwork exits, stage right. Katie and Boss Bandit come out and cross over to Rocky.)

Boss Bandit

What was that all about?

Katie

Did he say daddy was a bad guy?

Clobberpuppy
I mean, we knew he was kinda dumb and had the world's worst case of battered spouse syndrome, but this is a total shock!


Rocky

Yes, and that's the part that has me confused. Who's still around that would have wanted to kill Zero? He reformed and dusted off every single one of them I can remember within the last few years.

Katie

Daddy had a lot of enemies. He used to tell me stories about how he beat some of 'em.

Boss Bandit

Sounds like a real tough guy. Glad I never crossed him.

Rocky

Look, maybe we should follow Clockwork's path and see if we can't find out who it is that's really behind the evil here?

Zero X. Diamond
No, let's just turn around and forget the whole thing.  Maybe Rocky can be Katie's new dad and drive her around in his awesome sports car and actually talk about keeping her safe instead of training her to be a child soldier to fight against one of his many archenemies.

Boss Bandit

Only makes sense.

Katie

Let's go!

Zero X. Diamond
*trap door opens, lemmings start pouring out*

Clobberpuppy
Got a box at the top, they begin to move down
move to the side, spin round and round
Some of them walk and some of them run
Get caught on the hot bed, yes, you're done
Now keep your head, this ain't no sideshow
Concentrate, don't let it blow
They'll fall off the edge, out of control
Let's have a party, Lemmings, let's go!
Spoony Spoonicus
Let them fulfill their final story
For this is their kingdom
The power of the GLORYYYYYYYY!

(They exit, stage right. Curtains close. End of Scene.)

Scene 6

(The scene is once again the perverse, unkempt church of Rachettinello. He sits behind the altar, as before. Clockwork bursts in through the door and comes to sit stage left of Rachettinello.)

Clockwork

[angrily] Master!

Spoony Spoonicus
"Jeez, I'm sitting right next to you.  You don't have to yell."

Rachettinello

Ah, Clockwork! You've returned. But where's the firewood?

Clockwork

I did not have time to collect your firewood. I was too busy having a conversation with a gentleman about your nemesis, Zero.

Rachettinello

Really now? And what'd he say?

Clockwork

Sir, he told me that Zero was an innocent man. I am sorry, but I am going to have to ask you for some answers.

Rachettinello

So, you've been told Zero was a do-gooder, eh?

Clockwork

I did not want to believe it, sir.

Rachettinello

You want to know the truth?

Clockwork

It would certainly help me to understand.

Zero X. Diamond
YOU CAN'T HANDLE THE TRUTH!!

Rachettinello

My name is Rachettinello, and I am evil. I've always been evil, ever since I could think.

Zero X. Diamond
And you know what?  I'm okay with that.  *other members of the support group applaud*


When I grew to be of adulthood, I decided I'd do what every evil person does. Try to take over the entire universe. But Zero's father had different plans. He took me down, and left for another dimension.

Spoony Spoonicus
Which is Dragonball talk for "he died."

Zero X. Diamond
I like to picture this exchange as Zero's dad literally just showing up, beating the shit out of Rachettinello, and then teleporting away.


I was furious. I spent years tracking him down. And then, when I do, his kid, a little kid, beats me up! Ever since that day, I'd despised Zero.

Mayor Mike Haggar
BLAST!  I never expected him to question me!  Welp, time to spill the beans on my whole evil plan and bet on the longshot chance he doesn't try to murder ME with his incredible powers!

Clockwork

But that means you-

Rachettinello

Shut up, you idiot! I'm not done talking yet!

Zero X. Diamond
Listen to your old man when he's talking to you!


Anyways, I found out that Zero had fallen into my interdimensional portal. I followed him for years, menacing him wherever he would appear. One day, he finally evaded me. I eventually found that he'd returned home. That was nine years from the beginning. So, I showed up again, and began killing people. Killing people without remorse.

Clockwork

You are an odious man.

Zero X. Diamond
I'm more of a garfieldous man myself.


Rachettinello

Hush, naive child. It only gets better. He finally caught up with me, just in time to watch his mother and father die painfully.

Zero X. Diamond
 And then he turned into a wandering swordsman who travels the land looking for the short whiny dork with the sunglasses who killed his parents.


We fought for hours on end. I had the upper hand, until he inexplicably became stronger and killed me.

Spoony Spoonicus
"I hate living in the Dragonball universe!  It's such BULLSHIT!"


Incinerated me under a beam of intense energy. I can still remember the smell of my melting flesh.

Clockwork

But if you died, then how are you here now?

Zero X. Diamond
I climbed back to the earth through a gaping plothole!!


Rachettinello

When I died, at first I thought I was okay. I was in a dark room, and I seemed to be alive.

Zero X. Diamond
But then the former humans, imps, and demons descended on me and the episode ended!


That was before the tunnel. Every time I recall it, I get sick. All the rotting flesh, the specters, the undead limbs, and the guts pouring all over my dead self. It took two long, agonizing days to hit the bottom. When I did, I was immediately sent to work for the rest of eternity in the putrid bowels of Hell.

Zero X. Diamond
Where's your fat reward and your ticket home?  What the hell is this?  It's not supposed to end this way!


Days went by, and my sanity slowly slipped away. And then I snapped. Escape time.

Clockwork

You escaped from Gehenna?

Zero X. Diamond
They were my favorite all-girl hair metal band of the 80s.


Rachettinello

Not before learning heaps of Satanic magic.

Zero X. Diamond
Because Satan just has copies of "Learn Satanic Magic the E-Z Way" laying around the joint.


Oh, that magic came in very handy. Why, it was the very way I managed to escape. It also built me a new body, much like my old one. And then, I showed up at this very church and started killing the priests in the dark of night, when nobody could see me.

Zero X. Diamond
All the priests suffered extreme night blindness.


 And then, I met you. You had such dedicated faith to God, such innocent naivety. It made me sick. But I took you in, because I knew you had exactly what it would take to kill Zero Diamond.

Spoony Spoonicus
"You possessed the same gift of unexplained bullshit superpowers!  It was perfect!"


You did your part, and now, you're of no use to me. That's why I took the liberty of informing the police of your whereabouts.

Clockwork

Wait, I understand now. This is a jocularity, correct?

Mega Man
Because that's totally a word people in the 20th century say.


 Just an overly elaborate joke, yes? Ha ha ha, yes, ha ha, quite funny, sir.

Rachettinello

Oh, I'm afraid that it's not. The police should be here momentarily to pick you up and throw you in prison. It's a good thing you grew up in this dull, boring place. You'll find that prison is much like this, only you can never leave.

Clockwork

So, your internecine tendencies are now revealed. It is your time to necrotize!

Mega Man
Just put the thesaurus away, please.  You're embarrassing yourself.

Zero X. Diamond
This makes me want to vomit.  I can't believe I thought this dialogue sounded good.


Good shall be triumphant!

(He leaps into a fighting position. It is at that very moment, the doors burst open and the Police rush in.)

First Policeman

Stop! Police!

Clockwork

What?

Second Policeman

Clockwork, you are under arrest on the charge of murder in the first degree.

Zero X. Diamond
 So then Clockwork is officially his legal name.


Clockwork

You do not understand!

Clobberpuppy
"I had no idea murder was illegal!"


(The Police grab Clockwork and slap the cuffs on him.)

Second Policeman

You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can and will be used against you in the court of law. You have the right to an attorney. If you cannot afford an attorney, one will be provided for you. If you decide to answer any questions now, you will still have the right to stop answering them whenever you want. Do you understand your rights?

Clockwork

[sad, broken] Yes...

First Policeman

You're gonna be going away for a long time, buddy.

(The Police and Clockwork exit. Rachettinello removes his hood.)

Rachettinello

And now the lobbygow is out of the way.

Zero X. Diamond
What the fuck is with all these words that date back to the 17th century?


 My plans can truly take shape. I must flee, and shape myself a new stronghold. Once there, the beginning of the end will take hold. The dawning of a new age is upon this world.

Zero X. Diamond
This is the dawning of the age of Aquarius!  Age of Aquariuuuuuuus!


 The age of Rachettinello!

(He breaks off into uncontrollable, insane laughter. Curtains close. End of Scene.)


Scene 7


(The scene is a hallway in a police station. There are two cells against the back wall. Stage left, there is an open doorway. Stage right, there is a plain, wooden door. From stage left enter the Police, with Clockwork in tow.)

First Policeman

You disgust me, you know that?

Clockwork

I have again and again tried to tell you, I am not the transgressor you seek!

Spoony Spoonicus
"It wasn't me, it was the one-armed man!"


Second Policeman

What are you saying? Are you telling us we're not doing our jobs right?

Clockwork

No, no, no, I am sure both of you are pristine examples of law enforcement officials! I am merely stating that I am not the scullion whom you are in search of.

First Policeman

Get a load of this guy!

Second Policeman

I tell you, this is why I joined the force. To get dangerous people like this guy off of the streets.

Zero X. Diamond
Well, he is dressed like a community theater escapee and talks like a thesaurus got jammed into his brain cavity, so I can understand how they'd think he's a dangerous crazy person.

Clockwork

But-

Second Policeman

Tell it to the judge!

Clobberpuppy
And other cliched things police officers on TV say!


(They put him into the cell to stage left and close the door. The Policemen exit, stage left.)

Clockwork

So here I lie, immured. The frabjous feeling of freedom is already fading from my mind. To think that someone I trust as much as master could turn out to be such a scaramouch, a blackguard, and dare I go as far as to say a scalawag!

Spoony Spoonicus
Guys, you forgot to search him.  He still has his thesaurus.


And yet, here I am, ensnared in the proverbial web of the spider. How could I be so easily gudgeoned by that Judas? That serpentine, perfidious, loutish, clandestine, sacrilegious-

Zero X. Diamond
SHUT.  UP.  STOP SAYING ALL THESE TERRIBLE GODDAMNED WORDS.

Mitchell

Say, stranger, would you mind holding it down over there?

Mayor Mike Haggar
Keep it down yourself, Joe Don Baker.

Clockwork

Hello? Is somebody there?

Mitchell

Yep.

Clockwork

What, may I adjure, is your name?

Mitchell

I'm Mitchell.

Clobberpuppy
Who's the puffy guy who's a big blurry sex machine?
Spoony Spoonicus
That Mitchell is one fat s-

Clobberpuppy
Shut yo' mouth!

Spoony Spoonicus
I'm just talkin' 'bout Mitchell!


You?

Clockwork

I am called Clockwork.

Mitchell

Pleased to meet you, Clockwork.

Zero X. Diamond
Stupid name, but pleased to meet you nonetheless.


Clockwork

If it is of no bother, may I adjure what your profession is?

Mitchell

I'm a knight of the road.

Mayor Mike Haggar
"My brain is squirming like a toad."

Clockwork

You have no home?

Mitchell

Nope. That's why they brought me in.

Spoony Spoonicus
"Well, that and selling handjobs for cigarettes at the bus station."


Clockwork

Though it may not be as pestiferous as being homeless, I was a wayfarer myself for almost a year. That all ended yesterday.

Mitchell

What'd you say your name was?

Clockwork

Clockwork.

Sergeant Hartman
The only thing running like clockwork in here is YOUR MOUTH!  Now shut it before I stomp a mudhole in your twinkie ass and kick the filling out of you!