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7/20/2014

Like Clockwork, Part 2

Rachettinello

What a naive child! To think that I, Rachettinello, would be a brainless do-gooder?

Zero X. Diamond
He's literally a cartoon villain from the 80s.


The thought itself makes me laugh!

(He laughs an evil, but irritating, laugh until it begins to irritate even him.)

Professor Monocle McTopHat
I do say, goodman's boy, you are not the only one irritated by your irritating laugh!


Rachettinello

I've had him under my power ever since I convinced him that I was a righteous man. To think he didn't suspect me of killing all those priests! It's almost too obvious, if you ask me.

Zero X. Diamond
It's ENTIRELY too obvious.


But I can recognize strength when I see it, and believe me, he has what it takes. My plan has taken shape. Now that Zero is out of the picture, the only thing standing between me and control over the universe is Clockwork, and that is a problem easily remedied.

Spoony Spoonicus
"I can hear you, you know."


All it takes is a bit of careful planning, and lot of execution.

(He chuckles nastily.)

Rachettinello

Execution, which is what lies in Clockwork's future!

Zero X. Diamond
Oh, I get it.  You're making a funny.


(He rises to full blown insane laughter.)

Spoony Spoonicus
Even Nickelodeon would tell this guy to scale it back.


Rachettinello

The world will once again fear this name.

Zero X. Diamond
It feared it before?


The heavens will tremble! The people will grovel!

(Rachettinello throws up his arms and tosses his head back.)

Rachettinello

[shouting] I shall feast upon the flesh of fallen angels!

Max Payne
He was one sick animal, babbling all that spooky monkey talk. I had the cure to his madness in my Beretta clip, and I would hand-deliver it one bullet at a time.

Professor Monocle McTopHat
Oh celestial cannibalism, you're always so trendily occult!


(He returns to his insane laughter. Curtains close. End of Scene.)

Scene 4

(The scene is a wooded area. From stage left come Katie and Rocky, walking.)

Katie

Mr. Formello?

(They stop walking.)

Rocky

Yes, Katie?

Katie

Why aren't there any people out here?

Rocky

These woods, so I hear, are watched over by a group of bandits.

Clobberpuppy
And wolverines.  Lots and lots of wolverines.

Zero X. Diamond
We're in the modern era, yet there are bandits in the woods.  Yeah, okay.  I buy that.


Katie

Bandits are thieves, right?

Rocky

Yes, that's right.

Professor Monocle McTopHat
Oh ho ho, how adorable! The author learned that from talking with the long-thought extinct man-eating dinsoaur, the thesaurus!


Katie

Okay.

Boss Bandit

[offstage] Did somebody say... bandits?

Zero X. Diamond
Oh boy, this guy.  Get ready for enough ham to feed a family.


Katie

[worried] Mr. Formello?

Rocky

I heard it too, Katie. [to Boss Bandit] Who are you? Show yourself!

Boss Bandit

Gladly!

(Boss Bandit leaps out from behind some trees, and some Bandits come out from other various hiding places. They all draw out swords, daggers and the like.)

Spoony Spoonicus
Apparently we've walked out of modern times and into England in the 1300s.

Professor Monocle McTopHat
I smell an opera~! [/falsetto tenor note] Or a Disney villain musical number.


Boss Bandit

Looks like we have some intruders in our woods. Guess what that means, boys?

Zero X. Diamond
You're going to act like if Errol Flynn had taken acting lessons from a gay William Shatner?


First Bandit

Free stuff?

Boss Bandit

That's right!

Bandits

Huzzah!

Mayor Mike Haggar
This line was changed to "Oh yeah!" in the official release, leading to thousands of fans whining about the writing being "butchered" and crafting conspiracy theories about the company stealing it from its original author with absolutely no substantial evidence to back up their claims.

Boss Bandit

What do you have to say about that, boy?

Rocky

Just one thing.

Boss Bandit

Well? Spit it out!

Clobberpuppy
Don't make me angry.  You wouldn't like me when I'm angry.


Rocky

Who, pray tell, are you?

(Boss Bandit puts his hands on his hips and throws his head back in laughter.   He laughs briefly, and then stops.)

Mayor Mike Haggar
Did everyone in this story go to the Jim Carrey school of acting?


Boss Bandit

Who am I? Ha ha, who am I? Tell 'em, boys!

(He makes a swooping point to the Bandits with one arm, as if expecting them to sing a jolly song about who he is and how great they think he is. Instead, there are a few mumbles and shrugs.)

Zero X. Diamond
 He's Boss Bandit, and he's really lame
His profession is written in his name
He couldn't fight a kitten if it were tame
Boss Bandit should hang his head in shame
Professor Monocle McTopHat
Called it! Sadly, I think that was a fool's bet. For shame.


Second Bandit

Uh... he's Boss Bandit, leader of the bandits.

(Boss Bandit smacks a hand over his face, shakes his head in disbelief, quickly removes his hand and stomps over to the Bandits. He throws his arms in the air in fury.)

Boss Bandit

Ugh, you forgot the song already! Be prepared for a serious reprimand when we get back home!

Spoony Spoonicus
These guys make Rocksteady and Bebop look like professional assassins.


(Rocky raises his hand.)

Boss Bandit

What do you want, boy?!?

Rocky

I'd just like to ask you how you expect to take our belongings?

Zero X. Diamond
At this rate, my guess would be utilizing a splashy West Side Story-like dance fight, complete with snapping fingers and poses.

Boss Bandit

Well, you're either gonna surrender them, or we're gonna cut you a new breathing hole in the middle of your chest! And as for the little lass, we'll sell her to the gypsies. Because gypsies love to buy children! Ha ha ha!

Spoony Spoonicus
Hooray for negative stereotypes.

Zero X. Diamond
That was the implication of your prior sentence, yes.  Adding that sends it from "something you'd tell your misbehaving child as a lighthearted joke" to "something you'd say after shaving your head and joining a hate group."

Katie

You're not a very nice man, are you?

Boss Bandit

Well, no, not since my childhood when my father refused to take me to see... I'm sorry, was I going into that story about why I'm so mean again?

Zero X. Diamond
 *canned laughter (because nobody in their right mind would actually laugh at this)*

Spoony Spoonicus
No, you were digressing into a terrible stand-up routine that's slowly sapping our collective will to live.


First Bandit

Yeah.

Second Bandit

You were.

Third Bandit

But we understand where you were coming from.

Katie

You're gonna try to hurt us, aren't you?

Boss Bandit

Oh, most undoubtedly.

Katie

I'm not gonna let you!

(There is a moment of uneasy silence, followed by uproarious laughter from Boss Bandit and the Bandits.)

Boss Bandit

[laughing] Oh, oh, what you gonna do? You gonna cry for your mommy? You gonna need a tissue?

Zero X. Diamond
Taunting a little girl.  Man, you guys are so cool.


(They continue laughing. Katie suddenly jolts her arm out horizontally. Some unseen force hurls Boss Bandit and the Bandits backwards.)

Clobberpuppy
MMMMIND BULLETS!


Rocky

Now, what was that about giving me a new breathing hole?

Boss Bandit

Oh, uh, that? Heh heh, that was just a joke, right, boys?

Bandits

Oh! Yeah, a joke, yep, definitely.

(Boss Bandit looks up at Rocky.)

Boss Bandit

Oh please! Please, don't kill us! I'll do anything!

Zero X. Diamond
I swear to Christ, this guy is a walking theater stereotype.  When are we going to see a scene where he and Rocky get into an argument and he encourages the audience to join in?


Katie

Anything?

Boss Bandit

Anything, you just name it!

Clobberpuppy
Ride a tiny bicycle through a flaming hoop!

Professor Monocle McTopHat
Serve the lady and gent tea, crumpets, and your rump on a silver platter!


Rocky

How do we know you're not lying?

Boss Bandit

Though we may be thieves, us bandits still have honor!

Professor Monocle McTopHat
I do believe you mean in spite of being brain punched by the lady and proceeding to beg for your life in spite of no notable actual injuries.


Rocky

Well, I think we'll just let you go then, and-

Katie

Come with us!

Rocky

What? Katie, this man's a thief, and-

Katie

And daddy said that we should pick up anyone we'd have the chance to!

Spoony Spoonicus
Your dad also married a woman who stalked and raped him and sent an untrained five year old girl on a quest to kill an invincible assassin and avenge his death.  Maybe he wasn't the best role model, mm?

Rocky

Well, I suppose he did...

Katie

So, are you coming, Mr. Bandit, sir?

Boss Bandit

I dunno if I should just leave my crew behind in the woods. [to Bandits] Do you think you can handle the business without me for a while?

First Bandit

Sure!

Second Bandit

You can count on us.

Third Bandit

Don't worry, Boss! We'll be fine.

Boss Bandit

By the way, where will we be going?

Katie

We're looking for the man who killed my daddy!

Clobberpuppy
Then we're going to kill him, then I'm going to spend the rest of my life in jail!

Zero X. Diamond
And boy am I ever excited about it!


Rocky

A man by the name of Clockwork. You wouldn't by any chance know-

Boss Bandit

Clockwork?!?

Rocky

Do you know him?

Boss Bandit

The freak in the blue who ticks all the time?

Spoony Spoonicus
"It's called Tourettes Syndrome and I'm very sensitive about it, thank you very much."


Katie

That's him! Oh, Mr. Formello, it's that terrible man who killed daddy!

Boss Bandit

Yeah, I seen him pass through here many times in the last two years or so. First time we saw him, we tried to jump him. Boy, did he ever whale on us. We hardly stood a chance! Ever since then, we all been deathly scared of anyone who can do anything that ain't normal.

Zero X. Diamond
 You should have seen them the time they tried to jump the guy who could suck milk up his nose and squirt it out of his eye.


Third Bandit

I really had no idea you could do that with a stick.

Boss Bandit

Yeah, that part was one of the worst.

Mayor Mike Haggar
Do not explain it.  I don't want to know.


Rocky

Have you seen him lately?

Mayor Mike Haggar
Thank God.


Boss Bandit

Passed through here yesterday.

Katie

Where was he going, Mr. Bandit?

Boss Bandit

He was headed north. Moving pretty fast. In fact, I think he was flying.

Katie

Flying?

Boss Bandit

Could've just been my eyes playing tricks on me.

Clobberpuppy
Or all the peyote.  It was probably the peyote.


Rocky

Well, Boss, we've got to be on our way. Do you have everything you'll need?

Zero X. Diamond
Did you pack your jammies and your night light?


Boss Bandit

All I needs is my sword and my bandana.

Rocky

Then we're all set?

Boss Bandit

Of course.

Rocky

Then it's onward, ho!

Spoony Spoonicus
Add that to the list of "things people in the 21st century never say unless they want to forever be branded a fucking dork."

(Everyone exits stage right. Curtains close. End of Scene.)

Scene 5

(The scene is another part of the forest. There is a small clearing. Embedded in a stump is Katie, Rocky, and Boss Bandit enter from stage left.)

Spoony Spoonicus
...What?  I did not change this line from the original text, I swear.

Zero X. Diamond
Clipping is a dangerous passtime.


Rocky

Hmm.

Katie

What's wrong, Mr. Formello?

Rocky

That clearing over there. It looks unnatural.

Zero X. Diamond
It's one of those HOMOSEXUAL clearings.


Boss Bandit

What are you trying to say?

Zero X. Diamond
It's entirely made of mylar and covered in spaghetti.


Rocky

Somebody has been chopping down trees.

(Rocky sees the axe embedded in the stump.)

Rocky

Yes, there's the axe they were using.

Boss Bandit

What do you make of it?

Mayor Mike Haggar
What could it possibly mean, Sherlock?!


Rocky

We're nearing civilization, or at least some subsidiary thereof.

Zero X. Diamond
CiviliCorp: a subsidiary of Civilization.
Mayor Mike Haggar
Brilliant!  Holmes, you've done it again!


Boss Bandit
Meaning?

Rocky

Clockwork may be nearby. We've got to be prepared to fight.

Katie

I'm ready.

Boss Bandit

I'm not. Can I go?

Zero X. Diamond
Bernard, don't be a tuna head!


Rocky

No.

Boss Bandit

Somehow, I saw that coming.

Clobberpuppy
Bup ba da da da ba bup (flaccid trumpet)


Rocky

Boss, be serious. We have no idea what he can do. We're going to need every bit of help we can get.

Boss Bandit

Alright, alright!

(Rocky squints as he looks off into the distance.)

Katie

Is it him?

Rocky

I'm not sure. He wears all blue, right?

Katie

Yep.

Rocky

Black mask?

Boss Bandit

Yeah.

Clobberpuppy
"Cadillac?"
"Yeah."
"THE BOY'S A TIME BOMB!"

Rocky

It's probably him.

Boss Bandit

I say we hide!

Rocky

That's actually not that bad of an idea.

Katie

Huh? I don't get it.

Zero X. Diamond
The guy who killed your invincible super dad in a single punch is coming towards us in the middle of the woods where there will be no witnesses to our murders.  Do I really have to spell this out for you, kid?


Rocky

All three of us can hide behind the trees. If our luck holds out, he'll be chopping wood. I'll approach him first, since he doesn't know me. The element of surprise, Katie. The element of surprise.

Spoony Spoonicus
BRILLIANT!  Napoleon himself couldn't come up with a better plan.