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3/22/2014

Frozen Part 8

They decided to talk vocally again,

Neon Green
I thought you were going to say Vocaloid!
Zero X. Diamond
While they're talking vocally, Bob is chewing orally and the Digitards are retarding mentally.

"I guess you were right, Bob. It seems Nebiroth has turned over.

Zero X. Diamond
With a budget of just $15,000, we've taken this fixer-upper monster and turned him into a real gem of a fiend!


Sardius lied to him about humans, and that's way he and his friends fought me. They had attacked the world of Santranus I had lived on during my 10 year disappearance.

Zero X. Diamond
Your tenured disappearance?

Spoony Spoonicus
You know what I really love in a story?  When the narrator spends 20 minutes explaining something to us, then one character spares no detail explaining it again to another character, then that character spends yet another 20 minutes explaining that in unabridged form to everyone else!  Exposition theater!

The Phantom Zone used to be a mobile world under the command of Sardius, that would dock itself outside of unsuspecting worlds, and connect one of it's gates at the Crucible of Flames

Zero X. Diamond
And now, Holiday Inn, Pink-Haired Slayer of Sardius will be performing the hit that brought down the Ramada: CRUCIBLE OF FLAMES!

Generic BBEG #669
When I said turn left at the Pretentiously Named Unknown, I meant the OTHER left.


 in their own world, to a cave or gate on the victim world, usually somewhere in the middle of the ocean,

Zero X. Diamond
Ugh, fuck.  I hate it when this happens in Minecraft.


where defenders of the victim world were helpless to reach. I ventured there because a few lower demons had attacked the village of magic where I got my elementary magic spells,

Neon Green
She passed elementary school.

Zero X. Diamond
She was taught them by the great wizard Sherlock Holmes.


and murdered some of the magicians.

Zero X. Diamond
HOUDINI, NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!


It angered me, and I soon learned of the Phantom Zone, so my friend Carnes

Zero X. Diamond
Carnes Asada?

Neon Green
Did you say Carnie?


 and I traveled to the ocean-side gate, but he wasn't strong enough to continue in with me, so I was by myself the whole trip through the Phantom Zone.

Neon Green
GASP!  Like Danny Phantom!  It's the Danny Phantom Zone!!

Obnoxiously Animu
Poor babu, you forgot your teddy-weddy? ;___; *huggles*


I met Hydra, Freon and Austarouto

Zero X. Diamond
And Jaime, Raknus, Bumthal, Thermalhopper, Changman, Bartholomew, Rimbus, Quinto, Playstation, and Garth Brooks (Not The Musician).

 and destroyed them all because they had still been evil then, and then I fought Nebiroth outside the inner sanctum of Sardius himself, and appearantly he had staged his death." "No. Was not real Nebiroth." Nebiroth grunted softly, a bit embarrased.

Neon Green
Awww, he's embarrassed!  He grunts when he's embarrassed!


 "Was fake Nebiroth. Nebiroth was mad from death of Austorouto, and made fake self to lure off guard."

Zero X. Diamond
Sandra somehow didn't notice that it was just a big sack of rice he painted green and wrote "TOTALLY NOT A FAKE MONSTER" on.


"Then why didn't you attack me after I destroyed your fake and went for Sardius?"

Neon Green
Because I wanted to do... other things.

Zero X. Diamond
What other things?

Neon Green
Does it need to be specific??


"Nebiroth still ask that question to this day." he answered sadly, "Maybe good side quickly took over for the time."

Spoony Spoonicus
His two headed silver dollar landed with the un-defaced side up.
Zero X. Diamond
Maybe it's bad writing.  Maybe this whole thing is pointless and holds no bearing on the story at present.

Neon Green
Maybe it's Maybelline.


 "You can make fakes of yourself as well?" asked Zac.

Spoony Spoonicus
At the behest of his buddy Wiki.
Zero X. Diamond
Sure, given Photoshop, a close enough body type, and enough time, I can make fakes of other people, too.


 "Actually, Wizard made fake. Nebiroth requested wizard to make fake." "Ah."

Zero X. Diamond
This is one tiny sliver of consideration away from being "Who cares?"


At this time, the chosen were now beginning to wake up.

Neon Green
Wait, who were the chosen?

Zero X. Diamond
You know, Caleb, Gabriella, Ishmael and Ophelia.  The ones who united to stop the forces of Gideon and Cabalco?  Gosh, it's like you never even played Blood II!


Jeff was oddly enough the first to awaken. He found himself staring into a room full of people, including a large monster that could barely fit the room.

Neon Green
Wait... what??  What's going on?!  I forgot what's happening!!

Zero X. Diamond
That happens a lot with these, honey.


 "Um.... hello everyone?" he said in a nervous voice. He then saw Sandra. She looked oddly familar, but he shrugged it off.

Generic BBEG #669
'Oddly familiar'? Could you, I don't know, know her?

Obnoxiously Animu
Ooh! Maybe they're childhood friends who are destined to be lovers! Oh how kawaii desu~!

Zero X. Diamond
Okay, calling bullshit on this right now: Jeff never met ANY of the other guys before EarthBound happened, so there's no way in HELL that he knows who Sandra is.


 "What's been happening?" "You were frozen in time, that's what been happening!" Bob stated to him. "Yeah. A lot has gone on lately Jeff."

Zero X. Diamond
Or in the case of Sandra and Nebiroth, gone on and on and on and on and on and on with no sign of ever stopping.


Penelope stated to Jeff.

Generic BBEG #669
No shit, we have the bird's eye view and we still don't get it.


Paula herself was second to wake up, she found herself in her bed. She could've sworn she was in the park staring at some large red thing.

Obnoxiously Animu
Oh I got one of those off baddragon.com!

Zero X. Diamond
There was a dog lifting its leg to pee on a tree near her and she just couldn't take her eyes off of the glory and the majesty.


 She saw her parents and a few of the others outside her room, but she had not just yet seen her lost sibling. "Hello, what's going on here?" she spoke, getting the attention of most of them, including Sandra.

Zero X. Diamond
NO, NO!  DON'T ASK THIS!  WE'LL BE HERE ALL DAY GOING OVER THIS SHIT AGAIN!!!

Spoony Spoonicus
Should have just waited five minutes for everyone to wake up, but it's too late now!


 Sandra decided the time had come to reunite with her lost sister. Walking into the door, almost casually she said, "Hey there, ocean-eyes."

Neon Green
She's seducing her sister??

Mayor Mike Haggar
Well, we have established that she'll fuck pretty much anything.


 she called Paula by an old childhood nickname of hers.

Zero X. Diamond
She was given this nickname by old Mr. Herbert.  Mr. Herbert has been in jail since Paula turned seven for the creepy shrine he left on her doorstep proclaiming her to be his goddess.

 Sandra had her own nickname, Sandy, which Paula had given to her.

Neon Green
How original.  Way to think outside the box.

Zero X. Diamond
At that age, my idea of a good nickname was like Johnny Death or Weapon X Ace. Sandy's not even near the top 100 of that list.
Spoony Spoonicus
I used to think "Rogue Warrior" was the coolest name ever, even though I never learned how to spell "Rogue" properly until I was about 13.

Then by coincidence they later used the name for an amazingly bad Xbox 360 game, further cementing the fact that the name was never, ever cool.

 Paula looked blankly at her sister, for what she thought was an eternity.

Obnoxiously Animu
Eroge makeout scene time!!!1

Neon Green
So they were frozen once, and now she's frozen again?

Zero X. Diamond
Welcome to Hell.

It was all coming back to her like a rush: the Serpents, their disbanding at Paula's hands after Sandra's disappearence,

Zero X. Diamond
Right, yeah, okay.  A six year old defeated a gang of magic wielding psychos that even the entire town's police force was unable to stop.  Uh huh.  Okay.  Yeah.
Neon Green
For some reason, I was thinking she was attacked by snakes.

Zero X. Diamond
No, stupid!  That's the gang that killed Jeff's brother Pepe!  GOD GET IT RIGHT
Spoony Spoonicus
Having them be attacked by snakes as toddlers would be a less stupid story, actually.


 the incident with Wren the two had as 3 year olds where Sandra had stood up for her and all the other kids, the playpen event when they were two, and then their own birth, when they learned of their telepathic bond.

Neon Green
They remember their own birth!?  What??  Are they... what?

Zero X. Diamond
Don't think about it too hard; you'll tear a hole in your brain.
Spoony Spoonicus
Well, maybe now they can answer the question that plagues every creationist: At what point DOES sentient life truly begin?

Mayor Mike Haggar
I don't think even Professor X has THAT good of a memory.  And this is a character who killed his evil twin in the womb!


\\Sa... Sandra?!\\

Neon Green
\\This is how you know I'm talking telepathically.\\


She attempted a telepathic message to her though that very bond, forming tears.

Zero X. Diamond
See??  She thought about it so hard she's forming tears!!


\Yes, ocean-eyes, it's little Sandy.\

Natural 20 Charisma Bard
Her eyes sparkled like the sea themselves, and flowed and ebbed like the tides...

Max Payne
Ocean Eyes, as in, you cry a lot?


Winston Thrasher
Her eyes were full of salt, salt from knowing she would never be as good as Sandra at anything.
Generic BBEG #669
If only I had suddenly convenient telepathy I could tell you both how much I loathe everything right now.

Neon Green
This is so weeeeird!  She's like flirting with her sister and it's weird!

Zero X. Diamond
Would you rather this just devolve into them grinding their nasties together?  Would that make you happier?

Neon Green
NO!

Zero X. Diamond
That's literally our only other option.  Haven't you ever read fanfics with girls in them before??

Neon Green
But they're sisters!

Zero X. Diamond
Exactly.


Sandra gave her a ^_^ look in the physical plane.

Obnoxiously Animu
OMGAWSH THAT'S MY FACE TOO!!!1 ^_____^

Zero X. Diamond
Oh boy, time to get out the AD&D Manual of Planes.  I wanna find out what face she's making in the pseudoelemental plane of dust!


 Paula gaped in shock, and then ran up and grabbed Sandra in a bear hug, or least as much of one Paula could do, crying her eyes out. Sandra also formed tears and cried the same, hugging back. James and Penelope looked back at their reunited daughters happily, and Jeff, who didn't yet know about them being family, just looked on with an befuddled expression on his face...

Neon Green
Wait, does Penelope know that's her daughter then?

Zero X. Diamond
 How could she not know??

Neon Green
Oh, wait, I got confused.  I thought Jeff was the dad.

Zero X. Diamond
Well hey, his dad invented a time machine.  We can't really say he isn't...


 "Um, did I miss something?" he said.

Neon Green
The whole backstory.

Zero X. Diamond
Don't give him any ideas, damn it!


 "Just two sisters reuniting." Bob put it calmly. Jeff's eyes went wide as saucers now, realizing the facial complexions and frames of Paula and Sandra were identical, even if their hair and eyes weren't.

Zero X. Diamond
And Jeff suddenly rushes ahead of Glenn's extreme foot fetish with his instant ability to compare women's bodies to one another.

Spoony Spoonicus
Prosopagnosia: Ask your doctor about it.

...Yes, spell check, that is a real word.  Stop highlighting it.

Poo was now slowly lifting off the floor.

Neon Green
He's floating.

Zero X. Diamond
No, they just decided it was time to get that nasty donk off the floor and flush it.


 He hadn't even known of anything that had happened, dozing off before the time freeze occured, so he was totally confused to say the least.

Zero X. Diamond
I wish you knew how to say the least.


Ness was also awakening at the same time, and remembered talked to Paula and Jeff about a red star-like object in the sky. He then took notice of the bawling Paula and Sandra still bear-hugging each other like mad, in a moment that felt to both like an eternal tourture to wait for...

Zero X. Diamond
Boo fucking hoo.  Can we move on now??

Natural 20 Charisma Bard
Well obviously this requires a baby oil pit for the torture to be eased, my loves. *eyebrow waggle*


[whew, done for now.

Zero X. Diamond
For now??  There are words left you haven't said yet?!


Zero, just so you know, the Phantom Zone is different from Santranus, but thanks for the 'love' part of your last post,

Spoony Spoonicus
(Plucks a few notes of the Brokeback Mountain theme)
Zero X. Diamond
Those... those two ideas are entirely unrelated!!


although I wasn't expecting it from you either. I hope I can handle this well, since Sandra may not fall in love with anyone in this IF. Sorry -_-]

Neon Green
Oh no, you're breaking Happy Bob's heart!


[ugh, says I. Ugh.

Zero X. Diamond
Hey, finally I agree with 2002-era me on something!


Didn't have the slightest clue about the difference thing, sorry. As for the rest, quite all right, understood.]

Bob started pondering his "feelings" some more. "Feelings" were something he had never felt before this day.

Neon Green
He's never felt hungry?  Or the need to STAB?  Aren't those feelings?

Zero X. Diamond
Yes, but they're not "feelings."

Generic BBEG #669
Yeah, pesky feelings. Throwing 'em away is sooo easy. Come to the dark side and whatnot.


Especially that of "love." Seeing as how his parents were abusive drunks, you can't really blame him.

Neon Green
Oh, that's his backstory?

Zero X. Diamond
No, it changes later on.

I do love how we're all supposed to be invited to this pity party for him though, despite his thus far demonstrating himself to be an irritating "monkey cheese random lol" teenager at best and unrepentant psychopathic murderer at worst.

At the same time, he was rolling several other ideas around in his head.

Zero X. Diamond
Should I shoot them now, or wait until I get home?

Who are these other four people? Are they the ones I hear saved the world from some fireball... thing? And why do I find myself so attracted to her?

Natural 20 Charisma Bard
It's called puberty. The thing with the hormones. You'll get it when you grow older.

Neon Green
Pink hair, skimpy outfit, legs that go ALL THE WAY...

Zero X. Diamond
I was thinking more "the author--your God--is still as desperately lonely (and horny) as he was when he was doing Rise of the Technoids."


At the same time, Ness was rolling a few thoughts around in his head.

Zero X. Diamond
Why must I suffer these indignities time and time again?  Am I truly out of control of my own destiny?  Do I have to continue acting like an imbecile for the enjoyment of moody teenagers til the very day of my death?

How did I get here? What was that red star in the sky? Who is that girl Paula seems to know so well? Why is that creepy guy over there staring at me?

Bob's stare didn't land on Ness much longer. Once again his gaze was drawn by Sandra. He couldn't keep his eyes off her.

Zero X. Diamond
"Stop throwing all these bloody eyeballs at me," cried Sandra.  "You freak!"
Neon Green
Stop undressing me with your eyes!


She was like a dream to him.

Zero X. Diamond
In that he thought he was in his underwear in the middle of a crowded sidewalk being yelled at by a giant goat with the face of his mother?


Something infinitely beautiful that he just couldn't reach out and touch.

Obnoxiously Animu
Awww, he's turning red! ==^o^== *squee*


By now, Poo had managed to sneak up behind him.

Neon Green
Ooh, that's not a good idea.

Mayor Mike Haggar
Surprise buttsecks!


"Excuse me, kind sir?"

Bob leapt up from where he sat, startled by the foreign voice.

Neon Green
What, he's speaking in tongues?

Zero X. Diamond
Poo is a renowned snake handler.

A knife simply shot into Bob's hand

Zero X. Diamond
Ow, shit.


and he turned to attack. Poo shielded himself with his arms.

Neon Green
It's like that scene in Nausicaa.

Zero X. Diamond
Except Patrick Stewart was infinitely more likable and Miyazaki is an infinitely better writer.


"No! Don't do it! I just was wondering if you could tell me what's going on!"

Bob's eyebrow lifted and his knife disappeared back into his pocket.

Zero X. Diamond
Is your pants pocket REALLY the best place to keep like... a twelve inch combat knife?


"Oh, yeah, that. You see, some alien... thing... kinda froze all the world in time. Some people managed to escape from the freeze. Like me. So we're trying to fix everything, I guess."

Neon Green
Way to sum it up, Bob.  Short and sweet.

Zero X. Diamond
If we absolutely have to keep explaining this, can we please just have Bob do it?  He doesn't have to open the dictionary while talking to keep finding words he hasn't used yet.

Poo ran it through his mind, then his expression turned grim.

"Then the prophecy is finally being fulfilled..."

Zero X. Diamond
Ohhh, middle-eastern type character talking about ancient prophecies.  Wow, what a surprise.

"Prophecy?" questioned Ness, who was now nearby as well. "What prophecy?"

"Well, it is ancient legend of my people that one day, a great red star would come and stop the world.

Zero X. Diamond
And melt with you.


The legend says, fortunately, there would be a few brave heroes

Neon Green
This is more than a few.

Zero X. Diamond
He forgot the word "dozen".


who would escape the red star's evil and save the planet."

"Intriguing!" added Jeff, who also had snuck over near the rest.

"Now only one question remains..." said Poo. "Who the heck are you?"

Bob laughed.

"Who am I? WHO AM I!?

Neon Green
Name's Axel.  Got it MEMORIZED??


 Why I'm Hap-

Zero X. Diamond
Hap... pennin' guy.  Yeah.  I'm a real happenin' guy.  (Whew, good save.)


erm... Bob Reginald the Second. But I call me Happy Bob the Homicidal Maniac. Pleased to meet you."

Zero X. Diamond
Oh, well, good thing you didn't just tell them that first.  Giving your real name before that really softens the blow.


Bob shook the three boys' hands.

Neon Green
Why would you shake his hand after he says he's a homicidal maniac?  Just wondering.

Zero X. Diamond
Are you going to NOT shake the hand of the guy who might STAB YOU REPEATEDLY for not doing it?

Neon Green
The guy who can just pull weapons out of his butt.

Zero X. Diamond
I'm surprised he didn't jam the knife back up there too.

Clobberpuppy
He put the bop in the bop-shoo-bop-shoo-bop!  I had to!


"Now, if you can excuse me, I've got a lot of thinking to do..." he said, getting back to staring at Sandra's infinite beauty.

Neon Green
That's some kind of thinking there.  That's like... intellectual thinking.

Zero X. Diamond
I'm sure he's considering all sorts of philosophical puzzles, like what purpose he has in a world where an infinitely powerful being such as her is allowed to exist.

Or, you know, he's just got a boner.

"What... about the other girl?" asked Ness, rather confused.

Bob got a little hot around the collar.

Zero X. Diamond
That phrase doesn't mean what you think it means, younger me.

He couldn't STAND a common reference to something he loved.

Neon Green
Ahh, young, instant love.


He picked Ness up by the collar. (That's twice, ladies and gents! Let's keep track of how many times he uses THIS cliche... v.v)

Zero X. Diamond
Let's not.

"Listen here, punk. She ain't just a girl, she's a beautiful girl." Pulling out his knife and locating it beneath Ness's throat, he added, "You got that?"

Neon Green
He's doing this in front of everyone else and nobody's going to intervene?

Zero X. Diamond
Well, you know, boys will be boys.  Which means that any amount of bullying is excusable.

Spoony Spoonicus
It's all fun and games until someone's carotid artery gets punctured.


Ness swallowed hard, drawing in nothing but dry air.

"Uh... yeah! Yes sir, yeah man! Just don't hurt me!"

Zero X. Diamond
This is coming from the kid who looked into the burning maw of evil itself and killed it with a baseball bat.  He can incinerate psychic space robots with his mind, but he's gonna let some scrawny homeless kid push him around because he's got a knife?
Spoony Spoonicus
Jeez man.  Unload a Psi Flash Omega on his ass then kick his corpse into the gutter.


"That's what I thought..." grumbled Bob, returning once more to his deep thoughts.

"Hello, everybody!" shouted WereGrowlithmon.

Clobberpuppy
Hi, Dr. Nick!

Ness looked at the 7-foot-tall beast. He pulled out his Gutsy Bat without thinking.

Spoony Spoonicus
"I spent 67 hours grinding Bionic Kraken fights for this thing and I will USE it, damn it!"


"Whoa! Whoa!" said WereGrowlithmon. "You don't recognize me?"

"No," said Ness.

"Then maybe this will jog your memory!" said WereGrowlithmon, as he started glow. When the light faded, Canemon and David were standing where WereGrowlithmon were.

"Davey-boy!" shouted Ness in joy.

Neon Green
Are they old men?  Like, who says that?

Zero X. Diamond
In this story, the part of Ness is played by Bing Crosby.

"Nessy!" shouted Dave.

Neon Green
He just spotted the Loch Ness Monster!!

Mayor Mike Haggar
He needed about tree fiddy.


 The two buddied embraced, while Happy Bob gave the 15-year old Dave an odd glance, as did most everyone else. "What?" responded Dave. "Can't a guy give his best friend a hug?"

Spoony Spoonicus
"Don't question our bromance, you square!"


Everyone continued to look at him strangely.

Spoony Spoonicus
What?  It's not like they're making out in front of everyone.


~~~~~~~~The Nomad (as someone has dubbed it)~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Neon Green
Dubbed what?

Zero X. Diamond
Ugh, I hate dubs.  I prefer my alien starships subbed.  The original name of the ship was "The Majestic Outer Spacial Pedophile Cruiser, Class 19."  Why would those philistines at Funimation dare to change that???

Angry Fanboy
RACISTS!!!

"Sir!" shouted the lead scientist. "ChaosDukemon is complete!"

Winston Thrasher
Chaos Dunkmon


"What do ya' mean, complete?" shouted a gruff voice that followed the scientist.

Zero X. Diamond
So our evil dark knight talks like a middle-aged mechanic from Queens?  That makes all the sense.


"I was perfection from the beginning! Now, where are these beasts that you constantly refer to?"

"Patience, my dark knight," said the captain.

Zero X. Diamond
Batman??

Mayor Mike Haggar
"WHERE'S DENT?!" he growled in a voice so strained and gravelly as to be comical.

Spoony Spoonicus
Oh good.  I'm not the only one who thought the interrogation scene was hilarious.


"Patience. I'll brief you on your mission. We are on a quest to… er… secure this planet of its treasures.

Zero X. Diamond
Since the fuck when?  At the beginning, all you were doing was testing this fancy new ray gun on what happened to be the nearest thing at the time!

Spoony Spoonicus
We're pulling a Square Enix here and retconning motive into the characters.  Because that's great writing!


 To prevent resistance, we have put the creatures of this planet in stasis lock."

"In English," said ChaosDukemon.

Mayor Mike Haggar
For someone claiming to be "perfect", he sure has a limited imagination.


"We froze them stiff," said the chief scientist.

"Anyhow," saod the captain, "for many reasons, some of the creatures were unaffected by the stasis field."

"And I assume you want me to," said ChaosDukemon, "take them out?"

Neon Green
Take 'em out to dinner!

Zero X. Diamond
Give them the nicest wine and dine of their lives.  Show them a good time.


"That's the main part of your mission," said the captain.

"But we have detected that there are other Digimon on the surface of the planet," said the scientist, handing ChaosDukemon a strange-looking raygun. "We want you to use this device to scan their data, so we can copy and alter them into allies."

Mayor Mike Haggar
Aren't Digimon just comprised of digital data that you could easily copy, paste and modify at your leisure?  Or am I not up on my lore?


"Sounds simple enough," said ChaosDukemon. "I'll make sure those rebels get the receiving end of my Dark Lancer and Shield of Destuction attacks!"

Zero X. Diamond
Good thing all those people have been gaping down there.  They'll need to be ready for his Dark Lancer.

Spoony Spoonicus
This is turning into a Batman porn parody.   "The Dark Lancer corners his sexy arch-nemeses at last and erotic hijinks ensue!"


And with that, ChaosDukemon left the station.
~~~~~Polestar Preschool~~~~~
"Well, buddy," said Dave, "it's good to have you back."

"Yeah," said Ness. "It was weird. One minute, I'm looking at a red star, the next I'm here!"

*BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!*

Transceiver


"What was that?" said Jeff.

"It sounded like it came from Fourside!" said Happy Bob.

Zero X. Diamond
It was that far away--two cities, a bigass desert, and a huge river/lake/ocean between them--and Bob not only hears it, but determines exactly where it came from?


(Guess who it is?

Neon Green
No.

Zero X. Diamond
I'll bite.  Hamtaro?  Sam & Max?  Grover Cleveland?


 Yep. ChaosDukemon has landed!)

The Arconas Shuddered under the return fire from the Nomad As they strafed them, but the shields held.

"Damage Report!" Called Adure.

"Shields held. We have small holes around sector 45 and sector 32, and a hull breach in sector 50.

Zero X. Diamond
Just open Doom Builder and draw some new linedefs on the sectors.  Good as new!


Repair crews have been dispatched." Called Shin.

Zero X. Diamond
Then Shin did a butt dance.


"How about them?" Called Adure.

"Their shields were already down, and they've got numerous small hull breaches."

"All right, people!" he shouted. "Lets do it again! Helmsman, take us on an ark under their vessel. Bearing 130398, arc radius 23, 3/4 throttle."

Neon Green
Do you know how to fly?

Skylar
Where did YOU learn to fly?

Zero X. Diamond
Astrobung at 1-30-444-9er, forward humbuckers to full, jargoblatz 14368436, hungo 3950284, anno domine technobabble blah blah numbers.


"Aye Aye, sir!" The helmsman set his course fearlessly. The headed straight on course until Hir'Chin spoke up.

"Sir, that course will send us running right into the enemy vessel!"

"I know. Watch and learn."

Neon Green
This is how you commit suicide at its finest.


The Nomad Fired off a set of missiles at them. Adure simply gave one command:

"Fire."

A hail of laser bolts converged on the missiles. they detonated, and the shockwave rocked both ships and blinded sensors for a moment. As the light faded on sensors, Adure was greeted with the sight of a large cannon at the front of the ship swiveling to attack them.

"Evasive!" He shuted, but the cannon was already firing. A large red beam shot from the cannon towards his ship.

Spoony Spoonicus
Half a dozen rooms were set ablaze, damaging the shield generator.  "SHIT!  I hate the Fire Beam!" the captain shouted.  "Rockmen, get that blaze out and repair our generator!"

 The helmsman jerked the ship out of the way at the last second. A red glow surrounded a part of the ship that was clipped. A communication came through.

"This is Gregory in engineering. That blast froze everyone else!Everyone's standing around, not doing anything! I dont know why I'm still moving, but-"

Adure gritted his teeth as he cut the transmission. The stakes had just been raised considerably...

Bad internet! It wouldn't work! I'm back!

Zero X. Diamond
No!  Please, no!  We don't need any more stupid Digimon shit!


(P.S. Dukemon is the japanese name for Gallantmon. I'll call him ChaosGallantmon.)

Zero X. Diamond
Just don't call him late for dinner!  Yuk yuk!  *spinning bowtie*


WarriorNacemon was flying after WereGrowlithmon and saw them in Polestar Preschool. He dove down and de-biomerged.

"There you are! Somethings wrong!" Johnny shouted.

"What are you talking about? The Four are unfrozen-we can take on anyone!" Dave told him.

Mayor Mike Haggar
You have a literal deus ex machina Mary Sue in your midst.  Why is this story not over already?

"No...he's right! I sense an evil digimon!" Canemon called.

"So that's what we heard! Great!" Dave yelled.

"Well, we know what to do!" Nappamon said.

Zero X. Diamond
Commit honorable seppuku?  Please?


code:
 BIOMERGE DIGIVOLUTION_
Biomerge Activate!
Canemon, biomerge to! Nappamon, biomerge to!
WereGrowlithmon! WarriorNacemon!

So, they took off to find the digimon.

LATER IN FOURSIDE

"So...you've arrived." ChaosGallantmon said with a smirk.

"Who are you?" WarriorNacemon asked.

"It...it looks like Gallantmon...but...but evil!" WereGrowlithmon gasped.

Zero X. Diamond
Hey man, that's racial profiling!


"Very observant!" ChaosGallantmon said as he leaped on top of the Montoli Building. "I am ChaosGallantmon! Master of darkness! Here to eliminate you! Dark Lance!"

Zero X. Diamond
Oh God, keep your pants on everybody!


he leaped forward at the two digimon.

LATER

Basically, to make a long story short, the two Digimon on our side have been getting whupped. Whupped bad.

Zero X. Diamond
Okay, I know I've been complaining about all the words ever padding the story out for no reason, but this is just asinine.

Spoony Spoonicus
But then one of them discovered the power within and evolved to a new form, recovering all the damage he'd taken instantly and being so immensely powerful that he managed to beat the bad guy in one shot.  Because that's how literally every episode of Digimon ends.

They lay on the ground as ChaosGallantmon readies his Shield of Destruction.

Zero X. Diamond
Doesn't destroying things kind of go against the defensive nature of a shield?

Clobberpuppy
A shield that can pierce any spear and a spear that can withstand any attack!  Or is that the other way round?

"G...got any ideas? WereGrowlithmon choked.

"I...if we exist...then the Digidestined must have..." WarriorNacemon wheezed.

"What's your point?"

"A little trick from season 2..."

Neon Green
Whaaaaaat?

Zero X. Diamond
It's literally a stupid kid's cartoon.  They literally somehow escaped from a stupid kid's cartoon and made their way to this world.

Spoony Spoonicus
Well, at least they're aware that the rules of their universe are bullshit and made up as they go in order to sell more toys and merchandise.

"DNA Digivolution?!"

"You got it! Let's give it a shot!"

WarriorNacemon and WereGrowlithmon stood up with all their might. "DNA Digivolution Activate!"

code:
 DNA DIGIVOLUTION_
WereGrowlithmon!
WarriorNacemon!
DNA Digivolve to!
Omedramon!

Omedramon: think dog with silver armor, horns, fangs, wings, on two legs, and a lethal Omezooka attack, and you've got Omedramon!

Neon Green
*heavy sigh*

Zero X. Diamond
The most pretentious furry character ever.


"It's time we won this battle!" Omedramon yelled in a confusing combo of Dave's, Johnny's, Nappamon's, and Canemon's voices.

Neon Green
"Oh God, I'm getting out of here.  I can't stand all these people's voices."


"Omezooka!"

in a blast similar to Supreme Cannon, ChaosGallantmon was tossed back in a storm of smoke. He emerged damaged, but alive.

"Not bad...you do have some fight! So it begins!"

(Nice one, PlasmaPenguin! I like!

Zero X. Diamond
Furry spotted.


You kmow, when PikaChan still did IFs,

Zero X. Diamond
We used to roleplay her cottage cheesy boobs.

Mayor Mike Haggar
UGH!  Why did you bring that up?!


we thought up our own DNA digivolved Digimon. But enough nostalgia.

Zero X. Diamond
Have at you!!


Anywho, how was that supposed to be pronounced? Om-ni-dra-mon?

Zero X. Diamond
Stu-pid bull-shit.


Ehh. PM me about it.)

"Dark Lancer!" shouted ChaosGallantmon, as he fired a bort

Zero X. Diamond
"BOOOOOOOOOORT" yelled Hommer.


of dark energy from his lance at Omedramon. Omedramon just bent over

Neon Green
No, not while he's pulling out the Dark Lancer!

Zero X. Diamond
He's willing to take it like a man. Or, well, two men and two weird talking animals.
Spoony Spoonicus
Every Sonic the Hedgehog fan fiction ever, ladies and gentlemen.


backwards to dodge it.

"Bi-elemental BLAST!" shouted Omedramon. He cupped his hands and a wave of electricity and fire flew at the dark knight. ChaosGallantmon barely jumped over it. He did a flying drop kick right at the groin!

Neon Green
Oh, that's a low blow!

Zero X. Diamond
Right in the Dark Lancer!


After that was done, WereGrowlithmon fell out of Omedramon and de-merged. All that was left standing was WarriorNacemon.

"Dave!" shouted WarriorNacemon. "Canemon! Get up!"

"Just a sec!" shouted the duo. "That hurt."

ChaosGallentmon morphed his lance into a hand,

Neon Green
Woah, ew!

Zero X. Diamond
Kinky.

Spoony Spoonicus
He doesn't even have to pull out to start fisting you.


and drew an odd-looking ray gun from a holdster on his back. He aimed, and fired. WarriorNacemon tried to jump out of the way, but was hit in the leg. However, there wasn't any pain. Just an odd, tingly sensation. ChaosGallantmon pressed another button on the ray gun, and a beam was fired towards the Nomad.

Spoony Spoonicus
Yes, destroy the Sega Nomad!  That thing sucked.

Zero X. Diamond
Can it please be the beam that signals self-destruct so we can get this over with?


~~~~~The Nomad~~~~~
"We're recieving data!"

Neon Green
Lieutenant Data?

Zero X. Diamond
Officer exchange program.  From the future, apparently.


shouted someone from the control deck. "It's on some Digimon named WarriorNacemon."

"Send it to the Weapons R&D lab and tell him to start working on DarkWarriorNacemon!"

Spoony Spoonicus
Infrared was a brilliant way to transfer data.  If you wanted your data transfers to be incredibly slow and completely fucking unreliable.

Mayor Mike Haggar
Has making evil clones ever been a good idea?  Once?  In the entire history of fiction?


~~~~~Fourside~~~~~
"Now there," said ChaosGallantmon, "that didn't hurt at all, did it?"

"No," said WarriorNacemon.

ChaosGallantmon transformed his arm into his lance.

Zero X. Diamond
Gives a whole new meaning to the term "fisting."


 "Well, it's about to!"

The dark knight charged at WarriorNacemon. He then felt a kick to his chest. He looked down. A moderately tall boy was standing there.

"Scram, human!" said ChaosGallantmon. "You're not worth the fight!"

"You can say that," replied the boy, whom WarriorNacemon could identify as Dave, "but can you prove it?"

"PYRO-ARTILLERY!" shouted Canemon's distant voice. ChaosGallantmon could feel his back searing with slight pain, and then a few missiles hit him on his backside.

Zero X. Diamond
GASP!  You mean his... SITUPON??


 He turned around, looked up, and was beaned on the head with a flaring rock.

Mayor Mike Haggar
A what now?


ChaosGallantmon growled, and then charged. "Insolent pest!" he shouted.

Dave took a card out of his box and swiped it.

Spoony Spoonicus
Ah yes, that time when Digimon decided to adapt into its universe the technology of Barcode Battler, another shitty technology fad from the 90s.


"DIGIMODIFY!" he shouted. "ALIAS, ACTIVATE!"

The real Growlithmon jumped off of the Monotoli building, leaving behind a fake.

Zero X. Diamond
He knows the same wizard as Nebiroth, apparently.


ChaosGallantmon didn't see this, and continued his charge. Growlithmon de-digivolved back to Canemon.

code:
 BIOMERGE DIGIVOLUTION
"BIOMERGE ACTIVATE!"
"Canemon, biomerge to…"
"WereGrowlithmon!"

ChaosGallantmon slashed at the false Growlithmon, and it disappeared. He looked at the boy only to find the tiger-striped warrior he had so easily beaten before. He aimed the scanner, and fired. He then pressed the button to send the data to the Nomad. He left the scanner on top of the building,

Zero X. Diamond
Good fuckin' move, idiot.  They won't at all find that later and use it to figure out your whole incredibly retarded fucking plan!


and leaped after the digital warriors.

"Let's do it!" shouted WarriorNacemon.

Zero X. Diamond
Oh, so now you WANT his Dark Lancer?


"No," said WereGrowltihmon. "Not yet. As much of a thrill it was,

Spoony Spoonicus
Once you go Dark Lancer, you never go back.

 we shouldn't use it unless we're overwhelmed. He knows how to single us out. He have to fight hard, and work together." He unseathed his Staff of Fire and his sword.

Mayor Mike Haggar
He named each of his fused form's two wangs.


"Okay," said WarriorNacemon. "We'll do it that way. You ready?"

"You bet I'm ready for this fight!" shouted WereGrowlithmon.

Spoony Spoonicus
"Well, that was a hell of an act.  What do you call it?"

"The Aristocrats!" Weregrowlithmon said with a flourish.


~~~~~The Nomad's Weapons R&D Lab~~~~~
"Okay," said the lead scientist. "Darken the scaly skin, change this and… ohh, now? I was almost finished with DarkWarriorNacemon! Let's see what work they want me to do on now. DoomWereGrowlithmon? It looks easy enough for me.

Neon Green
So all he's doing is making them all dark and emo-like.

Zero X. Diamond
That's how you know it's evil.  Duh.


Let's see. Meld staff of fire with staff of darkness. Meld dual staff with scythe. Dump sword. Dump pistols. Add gatling arm attachment. Add darkness element…"

Zero X. Diamond
Is this how the meetings for every shitty anime go?  They make the villains by just listing all the TOTALLY AWESOME dark and evil things they can think of?


At the complex, Greatest Mog On Earth seemed lost in thought. Ever since he had healed Happy Bob, he had seemed very withdrawn and subdued.

Neon Green
It's because he knows what he did.

Zero X. Diamond
He keeps asking himself why he didn't just let the murderer die.

He had sensed someone...this persons emissions were not human, but they were very similar, but he couldn't put his finger on what they reminded him of.

Then it hit him. How could he have been so stupid. This person's emissions reminded him of his own.

Zero X. Diamond
Stop tasting other people's emissions!  And your own, while we're at it!  You gross little teddy man!!

Spoony Spoonicus
I already wrapped up the joke.  Don't start telling it again so soon!

"Um, Guys?" He said, turning to Brett, Kyle, Ffish, and Matt. "I..um...I...I'm going somewhere. I'll be back." He said, and flew out the door.

"No way, that couldn't be. I simply won't believe it. There's gotta be another explanation for this. Another moogle? Here? No way."

Neon Green
Wait, Bob's a moogle?  What?  Huh... nevermind.


 he thought as he flew.

He sensed the person somewhere in Twoson, and that's were he was headed. However he was about to get a nasty shock. As he flew in front of the Polestar Preschool, he saw the thing that shocked him.

It was a pom-pom [That little antennae thing.]

Zero X. Diamond
Once again, I would never have guessed without you explicitly stating so.


whipping around the corner of the building. GMOE crashed, and just sat there, dumbstruck.

He had been sitting there drooling for about five minutes when he realized he had lost his quarry.

Spoony Spoonicus
Is this some weird mating ritual or something?  What the hell.


He sensed where it was again.

"Headin' to the complex are ya? Well, you're not too fast, so I'll just loop around and head ya off at the pass." And that's what he did.

When he got to the complex, he didn't explain anything, but opened a window, and hovered in front of it. Soon, a white blur was in front of the window. GMOE stuck his hand out and grabbed the intruder by the pom-pom. He dropped the mystery moogle to the floor, with a smirk on his face.

Mayor Mike Haggar
Here comes the rape.