Random quote:

Check out my other site, RPGreats, for honest RPG reviews!


Rise of the Technoids, Part 9

Quickly, stealthily, they made their way to the Technoid PT Boat that they had commandeered.

Zero X. Diamond
The one Zero basically completely trashed?  Is it even still seaworthy?

Jeff unbolted the turret from the back, replacing it with the secret weapon.  Jack took command of the weapon quickly.  Zero nonchalantly placed the white captain's hat from the original captain on his head, and took the wheel with an almost joking smile.

Zero X. Diamond
Starring Gavin MacLeod as Captain Zero Diamond.

Ryoto and Nyeka stood on either side of him, though at a far enough distance that he wasn't disturbed.

Zero X. Diamond
Wow, they're showing him the tiniest amount of respect?  That's pretty incredible.

The others were down below, gearing up for an all out assault.

Zero took a calm moment to think.  He breathed deeply, and he began to pray.  And somewhere in the night, a lost man wandered.  He roamed hopelessly through the empty night.  Without hope, without dreams, the man would curl up beneath a box and dream his last, sad dream.  And then he would be free.

Zero X. Diamond
Zero prayed for the death of a hobo.

And then Zero opened his eyes, and gave a signal.  The engines turned again and again, quietly sparking.  A grease covered Poo

Zero X. Diamond

smiled at his handiwork, able to get the engine running himself.

Spoony Spoonicus
He'd taken a course on home engine repair while he was captured by the Technoids and before he'd escaped through the plot hole.

Ness paced nervously about, sweat covering his brow.  Paula had engaged in some "girl talk" with Minoushi.

Zero X. Diamond
"Minoushi, do you ever feel... not so fresh?"

 It was a shame this was all happening on such a beautiful night.

Spoony Spoonicus
Now if it was happening during a night when it was snowy, cold and horrible out, they'd all be perfectly on-board!

The boat stealthily began moving.  It was going at quite a speed, skimming off the water as it went.  Disturbing the calm balance below them.

Zero X. Diamond
And now.  I forgot how to use commas.

But it was no matter, they had to do it.  They had to stop the technoids before they effectively leveled Summers.

Mayor Mike Haggar
You only get 47 contrived reset button coupons per fanfic, and you've already used 40 of them!

And as they went, two completely different women who absolutely hated each other had agreed with each other for the first time.

Zero X. Diamond
They both preferred Tide over the other leading brand of detergent.

 They both were leaning over the side of the boat, gazing into the sparkling waters below.  And they both dreamed about the same thing.  The one thing seemed to tie the whole situation together.  Zero Diamond.

But their dreams soon faded, as they noticed a small jungle island ahead.  Each one snapped from their own worlds and made a point of it.  "Hey, isn't that the place up ahead?" Ryoto questioned.  Nyeka looked as well.  "Oh my, quite a dismal looking place."

And that it was.  There was dense, lush foliage.  But out of it stuck the top of a maximum security fortress.  Like a dark giant overlooking the island, there it stood.  The guards marched back and forth, mindless sentinals guarding their home.

Zero X. Diamond
They're going to attack the X-Men!

All of them secretly preparing for an all out attack on humanity.

The blade on Zero's back quivered, his fingers running up and down the handle.

Zero X. Diamond
Dude, stop that!

Spoony Spoonicus
"I'm not a psychopath."
"I'd find that easier to believe if you weren't giving that sword a handjob."

Rocky felt sparks leaping from his fingertips, hardly able to hold back.  The girls were anxious too, for once actually keeping their eyes off Zero.  The gang had beads of sweat collecting on their faces.  And then, the signal.

Zero grabbed Rocky and Ness and swung around to one side, nestling into some bushes behind the technoids.  Jeff, Poo and Jack took the other side.  The girls walked up, cleverly disguised as girl scouts.

Zero X. Diamond
Ah yes, the classic "Cartoon Network" ploy.  As clever as it is stupid.

Ugh! thought Ryoto. I am NEVER gonna do something like this again!  "Excuse me mister!" Wyshu piped, tugging on a technoid's fatigues.  "Would you like to buy a box of Thin Mints?"

Zero X. Diamond
The technoids turned and opened fire on the girls instantly without so much as blinking.

"Shove your Thin Mints, I like SAMOAS!"

The others took this chance to smack the technoids a good one right in the back of their heads.

They moved in, quickly and quietly.  Zero and Rocky decided that it was the time to unleash operation Chaos to its fullest.

Spoony Spoonicus
Who named this operation, George W. Bush?

 Zero signaled for everyone to stop.  He grabbed Rocky's arms and they began spinning.  Faster and faster, stirring up dust all about them.  Sparks of energy began shooting from the veritable twister.  Then it was done.  A new figure stood before them,

Zero X. Diamond
No, the same old stupid plot contrivance stood before them.

Zerocky once again had emerged.

And thus the plan truly got underway...

All at once, the group rushed into the complex.  An alarm began blaring inside the buildings, and technoids began pouring out.

Spoony Spoonicus
Stealth mission... failed.

The fight began as beams of light began flying through the air, blowing technoids to pieces and damaging the structure.  Hundreds upon thousands kept pouring out.

Zero X. Diamond
Are there hundreds of assembly lines operating inside this base, or what?  Where the fuck are they all coming from?

 Slowly but surely, the battle was being smothered.  Zerocky had no choice.

"Get out while you still can, I'm going to initiate the emergency plan!"

They had no idea what to expect, so they ran.  They ran faster and farther than ever before.  Noone looked back.  Not even the girls had the heart for that.

Mega Man
Did they spot an escape route from this fanfic?  I'd run like hell for it too.

To the boat they sped, and once there, below the deck they dove.

Through a porthole, they saw the most tremendous sight ever.

Zero X. Diamond
Zero not dying but also not winning a fight?

 The entire island was illuminated in a yellow light.  Zerocky had gone Hyper Star in order to initiate the most powerful attack ever seen in Eagleland.

Zero X. Diamond
Since the last most powerful attack ever seen in Eagleland that he'd done within the last fifteen minutes.

 Sparks began fountaining from the base.  It was a terrifying sight.

Spoony Spoonicus
His strategy is to turn himself into a Roman candle.

Zerocky smiled charmingly at the technoids, now shaking and slowly moving back.  He shook his index finger at them.  "Now now kiddies, didn't Uncle Zerocky tell you not to make him angry?"  The smile suddenly disappeared into a grimace.  "Now then... time for... GAMMA CRUSH!"  He curled up into a ball, then spread outward in a spasm-like movement.

Epileptic seizure attack!

It started out small, but it soon grew to envelop the entire island.  An explosion ripped over everything, and it was over.

Everything on the island was gone.  The ground was now solid glass from the intense heat produced.  Trees had been flung through windows of homes in Summers.

Zero X. Diamond
Good, more property damage caused by their overkill fighting methods.

 Bits of technoid were all over the deck of the PT Boat.  Zerocky seperated back into the two people within.  But it wasn't over.

Spoony Spoonicus
He was then arrested for crimes against humanity for his role in detonating a nuclear payload without presidential authority.

The complete destruction of the island had not destroyed two things.  Firstly, the Technoid Destroyer was still anchored out back.  Secondly, Zero and Rocky were unknowingly standing atop an underground bunker filled with a special breed of technoid and a ZXD-Hunter.  That bunker was about to burst open below them and all hell was soon to break loose.
Zero X. Diamond
Because of the rain of glass shards it's going to cause.

Mayor Mike Haggar
Psst.  Hey, narrator.  You're not supposed to spoil the story before it happens!

Meanwhile, on the PT Boat...

Everyone had gotten bored and started playing Twister.

"Oh man... did you... see that?" inquired Jack.  The others were too busy being stupified to hear him.  Noone in Eagleland had ever seen an attack quite like that.  Nothing that immensely powerful could ever be generated until now.  And quite possibly never again.

Mayor Mike Haggar
Until ten minutes later when he spends another plot coupon.

The girls couldn't understand what had happened.  They thought perhaps he had sacrificed himself for them.  Tears were shed in buckets on that boat.  Except for Little Wyshu.

Spoony Spoonicus
Now even the narrator's calling her by her pet name.

 She was the only one who truly did understand what had happened.

What a tremendous display of power!  I always could see that Zero has potential beyond belief.

Zero X. Diamond
In the 24 hours you've known him.

He just cannot properly harness that much power yet.  Oh well.  Someday...

Zero X. Diamond
Wait, what?  Jesus Christ, he's going to get even stronger??

A buzzing noise came from the intercom above.  Everyone rushed up to see what it was, Paula picking up the reciever.  "Hello?  Zero, is that you?"

Spoony Spoonicus
"Hello, this is Jennifer calling on behalf of Sprint. Would you like to switch your long distance carrier?"

A static noise came for a bit, then a reply came.  "Yes!  Yes it is."  Ryoto and Nyeka snatched it away and fought over it, as they fought, each of them proclaimed their joy and love for him before the other pulled it away.

"I'll take that!" Little Wyshu smiled.  "Hello there, Zero!"  You could almost see a red light emenating from the island.  "Uhh... hi Little Wyshu!"  "Listen to me, Zero.  You've got a tremendous power locked away inside you.  You've got to find a way to harness that power."  Zero blinked.  "Um.  Ok.

Zero X. Diamond
Zero and I have the exact same reaction to something for once.

Anyways, I was calling to say that everything is ok.  We've defe- what the!?"

After that, a gigantic rumbling was heard.  The ground below Zero and Rocky opened up, and the technoids emerged.  They weren't normal technoids.  They were built from hulky ride armor pieces.

Oo do their vehicles turn into some kind of ridiculous wearable armor like in M.A.S.K.?  Because that's rad.

Above Zero they stood by about 3 feet.

Zero X. Diamond
This line contributed by Yoda.

And then the ZXD-Hunter emerged from the barracks below.  He immediately knocked Zero on his face and pinned him to the ground.  The technoids grabbed Rocky and broke his limbs.

Zero X. Diamond
That's what he gets for welching on his bets at the technoid races.

Zero heard his closest friend suffering, and the worst part was that he couldn't do anything.

"Well well, Mr. Diamond.  We finally meet hand to skull.  I see your friend is enjoying himself."  the heartless hunter said without a single bit of remorse in his mind.  Zero could feel sheer hatred on top of his back.  He struggled to move, but a hard blow knocked the back of his head.  "Now now now, don't you make such a fuss!  You'll meet your maker soon enough."

Spoony Spoonicus
He's looking for the berserk button.  Almost got it!

That was too much.  Zero felt utter fury running through his veins.  His vision began blurring.  Everything began spinning.  And then he broke free.

Zero X. Diamond
With temper tantrums like these, it's amazing Zero's parents lived long enough for him to lose his memory saving them.

"What's that?  Zero's escaping!!?!  NO!!  I WILL NOT ALLOW THIS!!!"

Zero X. Diamond
I can't resist reading this as Lowtax.

 the ZXD-Hunter's voice boomed.  The technoids stared at him in awe, dropping a severely beaten Rocky to the ground.  All this was booming over the PT Boat's speaker.  Tasami was bawling.  "Poor Rocky!  They broke his arms and legs!"  Nyeka rested an arm on her shoulder.

Spoony Spoonicus
"Yeah yeah, real shame.  By the way, who's Rocky?"

Ness shouted out, "What are we going to doooo??  These guys sound pretty tough, and Rocky surely can't move himself with two broken legs and two broken arms!"

Mayor Mike Haggar
How do they even know that?

"Unfortunately," said Jeff grimly, "We cannot do anything until Zero defeats this guy... and judging from how it sounds..."  Ryoto reeled back and broke Jeff's glasses.

Zero X. Diamond
You bitch.


But as it stood, he wasn't fine.  His eyes began to lose their pupils.  The ZXD-Hunter wasted no time charging for him.  He figured now was the time to strike.  He was wrong.  Zero grabbed him by the neck and pounded him through the glass below their feet.  He roared as he stomped glass into his enemy's face.

Zero X. Diamond
 Finally, I've found something worse than curbstomping.

The technoids about him were frozen with fear.

Zero roared with fury as he spun into a blur and flung himself head first at the hunter.  Downward they went, Zero's forceful spinning move driving them further and further into the earth.  A great shaking occured as they drove further and further down.  They hit molten rock. Zero shot up at full force.  Zero slammed the ZXD-Hunter on the head, sending him right back to the ground.

Spoony Spoonicus
So you stomped him into the earth's core?  I'm sure that won't have lasting repercussions!

"Dear lord, he's overpowered me!  Abandon the island!  Man the Destroyer!  Escape is our only chance!"  Then he looked to ZXD.  "THIS ISN'T OVER, FOOL!"

Zero X. Diamond
Yeah, no, it pretty much is.  You're fooling yourself if you think you're going to make it after this.

Zero finally came to his senses and realized what he'd done.  The island was now a ground level volcano, and they had little time before it erupted.  Quickly grabbing Rocky, Zero fled for the PT Boat.  They dove aboard as the island began erupting.  And at that very moment, the Technoid Destroyer started to move.

Zero X. Diamond

"FIRE UP THE ENGINES!!  FULL SPEED AHEAD!  WE CANNOT LET HIM ESCAPE!"  The engines fired and the boat began to move, following the Destroyer's lead.  Soon they were in a high speed chase.

Mayor Mike Haggar
For those who like their fanfic in the genre "world's blankiest blank."

Chainguns on the boats blazed at each other, bullets whizzed through the night, and the peaceful calm of the water was shattered by the hastily moving ships.  The hunter grinned a terrible, evil grin.

"Prepare the secret weapon.  We're going to remove Zero and his friends from the picture."  A nervous technoid looked at him, replying, "Are you sure we need to be this brutal?  Some of the passengers are considerably young and-"

Zero X. Diamond
This guy's new, I guess.  Doesn't really get the whole "wipe out humanity" thing yet.

But he was cut off upon glancing at the hunter's eyes.  "Right sir." he said.  "MAN THE SECRET WEAPON!"

A sheet fell to the water and a glare passed through the dark.  The weapon was flawless in design.  Its smooth surface was absolutely breathtaking.  It was lined with many fancy lights and instruments, most of which were ordered to be glued on by the hunter to make it look pretty.

Zero X. Diamond
 ZXD-Hunter General Specific.

The machine of war was truly one of beauty.

Zero saw it and he filled with dread.  Having viewed the schematics, he knew what they were about to go against.  This weapon had enough power to put a hole through the sun, and enough accuracy to hit it dead center.  If they couldn't do it just right, they were all surely going to die.

He gave the command.  "Jack, full power to the secret weapon."  "Aye sir, full power."  He fiddled with a couple small levers, taking aim at the Destroyer.  Pushing another lever forward, he hoped that it would work.  Both machines at this point were fully powered.  And then, they fired.  Both at once they went off, blazing towards each other like greased lightning.

Spoony Spoonicus
The resulting payloads blew each other up, along with the rest of the earth.  The end.

In the middle, the beams connected.  A great, blinding light enveloped what seemed to be the entire world.

Mayor Mike Haggar
Eyesight is overrated anyway.

 The power built up between the giants, illuminating everything.  A shout came through the clashing energy.


A lever clicked beyond it's limit on the PT Boat, unseen to the Destroyer.  The beam grew wider, stronger and brighter.  It pushed through the Destroyer's beam.  The hunter screamed the scream of a dead man.

Zero X. Diamond
 So... he didn't scream at all?

"NO!!!  I CANNOT... BE... DEFEA-"

The ray pierced past the power of the opposition.  It completely incinerated the boat and all its passengers.  A sudden, powerful explosion ripped through the void where the Destroyer had once been.  They had defeated the Technoid Destroyer.  It was over.

Zero X. Diamond
Except their beam, being even more powerful than the technoids' secret weapon, accidentally blew up the moon.

Spoony Spoonicus
They all had permanent eye damage so it was several hours before they could find Rocky and tend to his shattered bones.

Suddenly, a noise of whirling helicopter blades could be heard.  SpinSpun came in for a landing.  A voice started blaring through a speaker in his body.  "Zero?  Zero, can you hear me boy?!?"

"Yes Doctor Genesis, I hear you loud and clear!  What you got for me now?"

Zero X. Diamond

"I'm glad you asked.  First off, I've brung you that popsicle you've been wanting!"

Zero X. Diamond
I want to instantly hit the floor, anime style.

Spoony Spoonicus
To be fair, this is the only line in this that sounds like it potentially could have come from an Earthbound game.

Zero snatched the popsicle from the air and began gnawing on it happily.

 "The other thing I brought you is this news.  Thanks to Sabbre's switching sides, I've discovered where Sigma is hiding!"

"WHERE!?!?"  Zero shouted.  Everyone was tense.  This was it.  They were going to finally meet up with this elusive "Sigma."  Many felt they had a score to settle with him.

Zero X. Diamond
Oh come on, what'd the guy ever do to you?  Apart from break all of Rocky's limbs, nearly kill Zero multiple times, imprison Wyshu...

"I am pleased to announce... that... Sigma... the all powerful evil... is on... MARS."

A deathly silence fell over the group.

"M-M-M-Mars?!?  How in the world are we going to get there????"

By waging a months-long campaign against his invading forces, reverse engineering his technology and then confronting him in a final, climactic battle that will determine the fate of humanity!
Spoony Spoonicus
Nah, that'd be too clever.  Speaking of which...

(Sneaks off to play XCOM: UFO Defense instead of reading this)

"Once again, I am glad you asked.  I've designed this chip for Drakkan which will enable him to merge with your armor to create a living starship which should have enough power to take you anywhere you need in the universe.

Zero X. Diamond

Of course, it's not perfect, so there's just one place you can't visit.  You cannot go to Borones, for if you do, the Boronian atmosphere will eat the program from the chip and you will become stranded."

Zero X. Diamond
Good thing we have no need to go there!!
Mayor Mike Haggar
It doesn't count as a drawback if it never in any way factors into the plot!

And once more Zero snatched something from the air, this time the chip.  He quickly inserted it under the crystal on his helmet.  He had a cold, vengeful look in his eyes now.  He was finally going to settle this, once and for all.

"C'mon everybody.  It's time to settle the score."  With that, he summoned Drakkan with a whistle and the transformation began.  "Of course," the doctor's voice chimed up, "the transformation takes 24 hours.  You should get back to shore and rest for a while."  Everyone groaned and went back below as Zero, now without armor, took the wheel.

Zero X. Diamond
Suddenly, a shot rang out through the night air.  From a bell tower, a lone sniper technoid had fired at the now completely vulnerable Zero, sending a bullet crashing through his skull.

Later, the gang was ashore.  The boys were asleep, as were Paula and Tasami.  But the girls stayed awake, dreaming of their possible futures with Zero.  Each of them loved him, each of them had the looks, each of them were ideal brides.  But for some reason, Zero avoided them.  It was all a mystery to them,

Zero X. Diamond
Here's a hint: maybe don't rape a guy if you want him to like you?

but unknowingly, one of them would be his.

Zero X. Diamond
Not that anyone cares, but I'll be sure to reveal who at the end.

They woke up early the next morning to find Zero drinking a chocolate coffee blend.  He offered coffee to the others, who declined his offer.  He was revved up and ready to go, and Drakkan only had a few hours left to go.  They decided to sit and wait it out.  And they waited.  And kept waiting.  A piece of paper wafted by.

Spoony Spoonicus
"Help wanted:  Superhero to save us from the Technoid hordes that won't level entire city and cause thousands of civilian casualties in the process.  Apply at Summers town hall."

Then they started waiting again.

Soon, the townspeople approached them, wondering what the odd looking bunch were doing.  They explained what had happened for a long time, sometimes reenacting the events.  A couple people wandered off, not believing them.  (Of course, those were a few refugees from the planet Zingtorp in the galaxy of Skeptica that was destroyed during the beam conflict the night before in a freak energy well from the explosion. They never believed anything they found outlandish.)

Zero X. Diamond
I must have started reading Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy at this point.  That's the only explanation I can give for these weird "jokes" like this.

  But the others were in awe from the account of the tale.  They had seen the attacking robots the day before and couldn't believe that they had been erased in a matter of seconds.

By the time the news had been told to everyone, Drakkan had reached the starship phase.  Zero ushered everyone in and took hold of the controls.  Little Wyshu and Jeff questioned his piloting ability.

Spoony Spoonicus
"Don't worry, I've played a ton of Wing Commander.  It'll be fine!"

"Uh, Zero?  You really think you should fire this thing up without consulting the owner's manual?"  Jeff questioned.

Little Wyshu added, "Yeah, I don't think you should do this so quickly.  You might break something."

But vengence was in his grasp now, so he got everyone situated and blasted off.   Straight for Mars he headed, taking no time to check out anything.  He put the throttle to the dashboard and hurtled into lightspeed.  And then he came out and to a stop before slamming into Mars.

Zero X. Diamond
Except according to science, it would take at least 12.5 minutes to reach Mars at the speed of light.  And, you know, the laws of motion say that Zero's sudden stop from the speed of light would probably have just turned everybody into a fine red mist.

They landed stealthily, hearing a plane-like dinging noise.

"Please remain seated as the starship is landing."

Be sure you time it so you land on grass or your shuttle will explode!

Everyone did as the mechanical voice said.  All the while Zero was scanning the horizon.  He wanted to find that building and he wanted to find it fast.  And then he saw it.  A towering mass of steel, menacing and evil, stood before him.  He grinned and picked up the intercom.

"Ladies and gentlemen, please fasten your seatbelts, we're going to give our buddy Sigma a ring while I'm in town..."  Zero pushed the throttle forward and they began to move towards the structure.  Faster and faster they went, noone knowing what to expect from the vengance geared man.  Without warning, he stopped at a gate out front.

Zero X. Diamond
Absolutely shocked he didn't just blow through it with his eyes reddening and while laughing like a maniac.