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2/10/2014

Rise of the Technoids, Part 8

"And just how," said a now furious waiter, "DO YOU PLAN TO PAY FOR ALL THIS???"

Zero X. Diamond
Judging their exchange earlier, Ryoto is just going to let them live in exchange for the food.


Zero reached in his pocket and pulled out a wallet-like object.

Zero X. Diamond
Could it be... a wallet?


"What's the bill?"  "$2994.53, sir."

Zero X. Diamond
"What??  That's outrageous!!"
"This is EarthBound, sir."
"Oh, right.  That's actually incredibly cheap for that much food!"

Zero reached into the wallet.  In fact, he put his entire arm inside.

Zero X. Diamond
This probably made Ryoto moist.

And then he pulled out a wad of cash.

Spoony Spoonicus
It was bound with a rubber band and peppered liberally with cocaine.


"$3000 on the nose.  Keep the change."

Zero X. Diamond
A six dollar tip on nearly $3000 of food.  What an asshole.


With the bill paid in full, our heroes return to the hotel.

"Oh, Zero.  It's you..." said Nyeka.  "I have something to talk to you about."

Spoony Spoonicus
"Is it a way to rid my life of all these psychotic alien women?  Because if it's not, I ain't interested."

Ryoto suddenly appeared on his shoulders again.  "Zero is mine!  Stay away from him!"

Zero X. Diamond
It's like a pet that's jealous of your new friend you just brought home.

 Zero pulled Ryoto off.  "Hey, cut it out!  She just has to talk to me about something.  You've got to calm down."

Zero X. Diamond
Is this the first thing Zero's ever said where he was objectively right?


Ryoto was still huffing and puffing, but she went away.

Messenger of Justice
I hope she didn't blow any houses down in the process.


"Thank you.  Would you mind stepping out with me for a minute?"  Zero scratched his head.  "Uh, sure.  Why not?  I'll go with you."  Nyeka and Zero left the room.

Mayor Mike Haggar
Armed with taser and pepper spray in case this went in the same direction as the last time he was alone with one of these maniacs.


"Zero, I've been talking to Jeff, and it brought back memories of my brother.  It may seem strange to you on this planet, but I was going to marry him.

Zero X. Diamond
 I'm almost positive this is verbatim taken from Tenchi Muyo.  Like, this exact line.


 He left to fight a terrible evil that was destroying our planet, and I never saw him again.  But... you're the spitting image of him...  Oh Zero..."  She threw herself into him and cried on his shoulder.  He instinctively hugged her.

Zero X. Diamond
Wait, and now he's actually showing empathy for another living being on a reasonable scale?  Did he switch places with a better person on his way back from the restaurant?


 "That's a sad story... is there any way I can make you feel better?"

Spoony Spoonicus
I love how neither he nor anyone else present even bats an eye at the mention of incest...

Nyeka grinned widely.  "Uhhh, Nyeka?"

Zero X. Diamond
Oh... oh no!!


With that, she gave him the biggest kiss he had ever gotten.

Zero X. Diamond
Oh, phew.  At least she didn't straight up rape him.

"There... I feel better now.  You know, there's something about you Zero.  Something so familiar about you..."

Spoony Spoonicus
Let me guess: He's actually your brother.


 He had no idea what she was talking about.  Oh well, maybe he'd find out later.  Maybe not.

Laharl
When did Sardia get involved in this?  I thought we got rid of her.
Zero X. Diamond
Doesn't really matter since despite Zero appearing in further stories after this, Nyeka is never seen nor heard from again.


Zero broke his way free from her grasp.  "Nyeka, I think we should discuss this later.  We've got work to do..."  She let go, feeling much better now.  They entered the room again.  "Hi Zero!" Tasami said cheerfully.  "Wha?  Oh, hey Tasami!"

Zero X. Diamond
What, did he forget she existed or something?


Something out the window drew his attention.  He ran over to it to try and make it out.

Zero X. Diamond
Nah, you had enough of that with Nyeka in the hallway.


It was another PT boat.  He saw it and something snapped.

Zero X. Diamond
Oh boy, this again!


 He burst through the window, flipping through the air.  ZXD landed on a palm tree and began leaping tree to tree.

Zero X. Diamond
He's a lumberjack and he's okay.  He sleeps all night and he works all day.


 He burst into the air again and landed on the deck of the vessel.

Spoony Spoonicus
Our hero is finally making a preemptive strike on the villains instead of letting them wipe out thousands of innocent lives and then undoing it with a lousy deus ex machina?  What are the odds?!


"You freaks!  You're going to pay for what you did!  I was almost crushed.  NOW IT'S YOUR TURN!"  Zero was red with fury.  His entire body burst into flames.

Zero X. Diamond
Another new and useless power we'll likely never see again!
Clobberpuppy
Oh have you ever met that funny reefer man?  If he said he swam to China, and he'd sell you South Carolina, then you know you're talking to that reefer man!


The technoid guerillas were in a panic.  He grabbed the nearest technoid and slammed it through the ship's controls.  ZXD's burning state began to melt away the ship.  "Oops, I didn't mean to get that fired up."

Zero X. Diamond
I want to PUNch you.


  His body was instantly doused

Zero X. Diamond
How?

Clobberpuppy
Go Go Gadget Fire Extinguisher!


as the last of the technoids on the deck were melted.

Zero stormed his way down below, ripping security doors off the walls.  Everything that wasn't nailed down was thrown at something that was.  He came to the central room on the ship, and this time without even moving, the door was thrown out of the way, along with half the wall.  "Well well, what have we here?  Maps, plans and design schematics.  I'll just take these."

Zero X. Diamond
And put them in your miniature warp storage, thus warping them out of the story forever?


* Zero Diamond recieved the Summers Maps, Summers Attack Plans, and the Technoid Destroyer Schematics.

Spoony Spoonicus
But Zero cannot carry anymore stuff.  Drop something to make room for the Technoid Destroyer Schematics?
Mayor Mike Haggar
Why would they carry all this crap around with them on an attack mission?  That's just begging for trouble for the rest of their group!

Suddenly, out of nowhere, a large technoid wearing a white uniform appeared.  It garbled out inaudible bleeps, bloops and blops.  The jacket suddenly ripped open to reveal a large clock.  It read "NUCLEAR SELF-DESTRUCTION IN 3:00."

Zero X. Diamond
What an informative clock!


 Zero stepped back.  "Gee, wouldn't you know the whole thing was going to explode and take Summers with it?"

Zero X. Diamond
 He's so nonplussed by this.  I fully expect the technoid to shrug and say "It's a living!"



But before he could do anything else, a beam of light burst through the technoid.  As the body fell, it was revealed to be none other than Ryoto.  "Well hello there, Zero!  Just thought I'd drop by to see how the cutest little guy in the world was doing..."  She ran her fingers through his hair.

Zero X. Diamond
Is there such a thing as like, anti-Spanish Fly?  She needs a constant IV supply of it.



"Heyyyyyyy!  That guy is going to explode!!" Zero shouted.  "Oh," Ryoto said.  "Should I go get help?"  Zero looked at her with dark eyes.  She got the drift.

Moments later, she was back, holding Jeff by the scruff of his neck.

Spoony Spoonicus
I'm pretty sure that doesn't work the same way for humans as it does for cats.


"Hey, let me go, you demonic apparation!"

Mayor Mike Haggar
At least he's on the same page as everyone reading this.


Zero slapped him one across the face.

Zero X. Diamond
Obliterating his jaw structure and turning his teeth into powder.


"JEFF!  THIS GUY IS GOING TO EXPLODE!  DEFUSE HIM, QUICK, MAN!"  Jeff tugged to free himself.  "Let me go, Ryoto!  I need to investigate the situation at hand!"  Ryoto looked up innocently as she dropped him flat on his face.

Mayor Mike Haggar
"That's it, you can rot for all I care."  Jeff said as he pressed a button on his wristwatch and teleported to minimum safe distance to watch them burn.


He stood up and dusted himself off.  Jeff glared angrily at Ryoto.  She just smiled and laughed softly.

Zero X. Diamond
Okay, so she's a rude bitch who pushes nerds around for fun.  I guess she really IS perfect for Zero.


 Grumbling inaudibly, he set off to evaluate the situation at hand.  "Well," he moaned.  "The blast from Ryoto nearly snapped the red wire, which would have nuked the entire city."  He glared again, only to find she was no longer standing there.  She was once again running her fingers through Zero's hair, as he struggled to free himself.

Spoony Spoonicus
"We're about to become nuclear vapor, but do you have one more "us doing it" left in you?"

"AHEM?" Jeff shouted. "I'd like some attention here.

Zero X. Diamond
Sorry dude, she's not that into you.


Like I said, Ryoto nearly killed everyone.  That was very irresponsible of you, Ryoto!"

Zero X. Diamond
What, are you dad suddenly?


She looked over at him, her arm around Zero's neck.  "What?  How was I supposed to know he was a bomb with legs...?"  Jeff looked furious.  "You could have asked someone, Ryoto!"  She blinked.  "Oh yeah, that works well sometimes..."

Jeff looked annoyed.  "Look, I can defuse it, as long as you two go play in another room or something.

Zero X. Diamond
Wow, okay, yeah.  He's dad now.


You got that?"  Ryoto nodded and faded away, taking Zero with her.  They reappeared in another room.  Zero was surprised.  "Well," he laughed. "At least I didn't pass through the second dimension again!"  Ryoto joined in the laughing, beginning to run her fingers through his hair again.  Zero's laughter instantly bit the dust.  Once again Ryoto was chasing Zero around the room.

Zero X. Diamond
It's like Tom and Jerry.  You know, if Tom wanted to fuck Jerry.

Spoony Spoonicus
Even Pepe le Pew isn't this much of a horndog.


Jeff was in the other room,

Zero X. Diamond
 Good, we needed clarification.  I had totally forgotten where Jeff was.


 sweating over the bomb.  With one minute left, he had to act fast.  Zero came out of the room with Ryoto still believing she was chasing him.

Zero X. Diamond
Is she running around with her eyes shut or something?


Suddenly, a voice echoed through his head.

Zero X. Diamond
Oh boy, looks like another space girlfriend awaits us!

Spoony Spoonicus
"This is Paula.  Just wondering if you're ever going to give me something to do again or if I'm just going to sit in reserves forever like half the cast of any given Square RPG..."

"Nope.  You're just here to punch monsters whenever the A-listers aren't available."

Hey you!  I'll tell you what wire you need to cut if you get me out of here!  I'm in the prison cell behind the central room, encased in a crystalline substance.  Zero puzzled for a few seconds, then nodded.  Good boy!

Mayor Mike Haggar
Have a treat.


It's the blue wire.  Cut the blue wire!  Zero indirectly piped up, "IT'S THE BLUE WIRE!!"

Zero X. Diamond
How does one indirectly pipe up?


Jeff did as he was told.  The bomb was defused without incident.

Zero X. Diamond
Man, you are SO Zero-whipped.


Told you so.  Zero laughed slightly.  Ryoto finally realized Zero wasn't in there anymore and stopped running.  "Zero, what's the matter?  Why did you leave me in there chasing after nothing?"  Zero sighed.  "Because, Ryoto.  Just because."

Zero X. Diamond
Even egomaniac supreme is getting fed up with this shit.


"Silly Zero..." she smiled.

"Zero," asked Jeff.  "Just how DID you know which wire to cut?"

Zero X. Diamond
I'll give you a hint: three words; a common Latin phrase.


He remembered the voice.

Mayor Mike Haggar
He had the memory of a goldfish so this was harder than it sounds.


 "A voice... there was a voice!"  Jeff stared at him.  "Ryoto been chasing you too much, boy?"

Zero X. Diamond
Is Jeff a southern colonel or does he have some special kind of autism that prevents him from determining a person's age?


 Zero glared at him.  "Fine, don't believe me.  It was a girl's voice, telling me to save her.  I'm going to free her and if you don't want to come... then fine!"

Mega Man
You sure?  She's probably another nymphomaniac alien who's not above rape.


With that he stormed off to a door behind the exposed central room.  "Wait for me, Zero!" Ryoto shouted.  Jeff also came, wishing to meet this person.  He came to a thick door.  "Oh no..." said Zero, gravely.  "It's a password door..."

Zero X. Diamond
Holy shit, I was wrong!  I actually DID remember to include the stupid impenetrable password door!


"Why don't we just blast a hole through it?"  Ryoto whined.  "It's impenetrable.  We need the password to get in." Jeff answered.

They all began guessing.  "Let me in!" "Tomato." "Sprocket."

Zero X. Diamond
These guys couldn't guess a doughy midwestern seed salesman's luggage code.
Francis York Morgan
Zach, did you see it?!  F-K.  In the coffee.  Clear as a spring morning!  (Creepy grin)


 The voice suddenly boomed in Zero's head.  Try searching the captain.  The password may be hidden somewhere in his coat.

Mega Man
What kind of chicken shit outfit is this?  Even Dr. Wily was never dumb enough to keep his prisoners on an attacking ship or keep a password conveniently written down somewhere in the vicinity of a locked door...

Zero nodded and went over to the technoid.  He found a small piece of paper protruding from his pocket.  But when he looked, half of it had been burned away by Ryoto's blast.  What was left of it read, "To open door, speak message, "Open-"

Zero returned this bit to the others.  Jeff glared at Ryoto in disappointment.

Spoony Spoonicus
Well, it's still less stupid than Phoenix Wright 2 not letting you examine a very obvious envelope sticking out of the dead victim's coat pocket despite the fact that it would blow the entire fucking case wide open...

 "How was I supposed to know?" Ryoto asked innocently as she could. "Well," Zero moaned. "Let's give this a whirl."  "Open seasame, it's kid stuff."  Jeff turned red when it didn't work.  "Open up?"

Mayor Mike Haggar
Hey, remember when Ryoto reduced one of these ships to so much slag by throwing fire at it?  Just because the door is indestructible doesn't mean the rest of the ship is. Think outside the box, people!

Zero felt strange, as though he was speaking without knowing what he was saying.

Zero X. Diamond
So like most of the time he's talking?


"Open your eyes, open your heart, open your mind.  Together... they will... form the key?"  The door let off a bright, white light and vanished.

Zero X. Diamond
Yes, these heartless murdering robots whose entire mission is to wipe out humanity made the password to this impenetrable door some new agey hippie bullshit.


Everyone stared blankly at Zero.  "I honestly don't know where that one came from.  It just seemed to flow from my spirit and out through my lips."

Zero X. Diamond
 It seemed to flow from your colon and out through your ass.


With that, Zero stepped into the room.  Before him stood a large crystal.  Contained in it's center was a young lady with pink hair.  He unknowingly drooled while staring at the crystal.

Zero X. Diamond
He's got a real hard-on for pink hair.


It was either something subliminal or the sheer mass of it.

Mayor Mike Haggar
Or this was just his very weird, extremely specific fetish.


So you're Zero Diamond... heard those goons talking about you.  Zero's eyes dialated.  "H-H-H... how...?"  Ryoto is my daughter.  I created her, I know everything she knows.  Please, let me out so I can see you for myself.  As if he were commanded by God, he began charging his D-Buster.  It let loose and shattered the casing.  He ran up and caught the girl as she fell.  Ryoto was turning green with envy.

Zero X. Diamond
How dare he not let her fall to the ground and get cut to ribbons by falling chunks of razor sharp crystal?  That bastard!

Spoony Spoonicus
In the sake of fairness, her mom is a much more likable character than she is so far.  No attempted rape or sexual harassment... yet.

Zero pulled a small cup from his pocket and filled it with the special water from his flask.

Zero X. Diamond
"Special water."  You know, the kind daddy keeps in his locked cupboard.

 He pressed it against her lips and it slid into her mouth and down her throat.  She began to quietly moan, then her eyes slowly opened.

Zero X. Diamond
Take these two sentences out of context and it sounds like Zero's taking a page from Ryoto's book.


She looked up at Zero and smiled.  "My, you're a cute one... I like you."  Zero turned bright red and let her down.

"Forgive me for being so rude!  I am..."  Two small dolls of herself appeared on her shoulders and began cheering her on.  "WYSHU!  THE GREATEST GENIUS SCIENTIST IN THE UNIVERSE!!"  "Yay Wyshu!"  "You're #1!"  Zero blinked.  Ryoto was blazing with fury.  Jeff was getting jealous.  How come I don't have two little puppets on my shoulders?  Jeff whined to himself.

Zero X. Diamond
Because you have self-esteem?

"Listen up Wyshu!  Zero is-"  Wyshu interrupted Ryoto.  "Yeah yeah, I know, he's 'in love with you, keep your hands off him.'  Mothers know everything, Ryoto, sweetie."  Ryoto blinked, then quickly got back to being mad.

Zero X. Diamond
Oh darlin', I don't think you EVER stopped being mad.

 "You're not my mother! I don't have a mother!"  Wyshu grinned childishly.  "Oh no, dearie.  I'm your mommy.  Would you mind calling me 'mom'?"  Ryoto stared angrily at Wyshu.  "Fine... mom..."  "Oh thank you for calling me mom!

Spoony Spoonicus
Yay, pointless arguments.


Now, if you'll excuse me, Zero and I have to speak in private."

Spoony Spoonicus
I think JFK used that same pickup line.

Zero X. Diamond
Uh oh.  I hope we're not about to copy that scene where Washu tries to jerk off Tenchi while dressed as a fetish nurse.


Wyshu grabbed Zero and vanished in much the same manner as Ryoto.

They reappeared in a place Zero didn't recognize at all.  It was like nothing on Earth.  "Welcome to my little home in subspace, Zero!"  She smiled gently.  "I've got myself a question..."  He was uncertain, and his surroundings were slightly unnerving.  ZXD didn't like subspace.  Not at all.

Mayor Mike Haggar
It was a depressing place, full of suicidal ROB robots and an annoying blue hedgehog who still hasn't gotten the memo that he ceased to be relevant in 1996.

 "Uh, yes?  What is it Wyshu?"  "Well, first off... would you mind calling me 'Little Wyshu'?"  "No, not really."  "Good.  Second off, being the number one genius scientist in the universe, I do quite a bit of experimenting.

Zero X. Diamond
Wyshu Wonan: Experimental Surgeon.


I could use a guinea pig..."  Zero blinked.  "Uh... that one may be a little har-" "Oh, that's so wonderful!  I love you, Zero!"

Zero X. Diamond
Well, this is sudden.  Not unexpected, I guess, but certainly sudden.


She held herself close to Zero, then quickly appeared back in Summers, along with Ryoto and Jeff.  "Well MOM... where have you been?"  Ryoto growled.  "We've been talking about certain matters in subspace.  Nothing you would mind, I assure you."  Wyshu suddenly appeared on Zero's shoulder.  "Well what are we just standing around for?  We've got a world to save!"  He groaned.  "Yes, Little Wyshu..."

Zero X. Diamond
Holy shit, somebody's pushing Zero around??


He then headed for the apartment, Ryoto turning red with anger.

Bad Box Art Mega Man
See if you can get her to change all the colors of the rainbow.  It'll be like a game!


Why does she suddenly get control of Zero?  It's so unfair... I knew him longest...  She only just met him and already she's in the driver's seat?  ... no, no.  Pull yourself together, Ryoto.  Wyshu isn't controlling him, I'm just being too protective...  Ryoto laughed to herself.  I've got to find some way to win him over...  There's got to be a way!  I can do it!

Spoony Spoonicus
Stockholm syndrome is your only chance at this point.


They arrived back at the apartment.  "Hey, you're back!" piped Tasami.  "How'd the fight go?... and who's that girl on your shoulder?"  As Tasami said "girl", everyone looked at Little Wyshu.  "Oh," he laughed.  "This is Little Wyshu!  The number one genius scientist in the universe!"  The two dolls appeared again.  "Yes, she is!"  "You go, Wyshu!"

Zero X. Diamond
They're a metaphor for every other character in this story relating to Zero.


Just as they appeared, they vanished away.

Spoony Spoonicus
How awful is your self esteem if you need to build two puppets to cheer you on constantly?


Zero took out the attack plans and laid them down on one table.  He laid out the design schematics on another.  He laid out the maps on a counter.  "Alright, Ryoto, Rocky, Ness and I will read over the attack plans to form a counter attack.  Nyeka, Minoushi, Jack and Poo will go over the maps and form the perfect routes for these counter-strikes.  Wyshu and Jeff, you will build a weapon to destroy the Technoid Destroyer.  Does everyone understand what we're doing?"  They all nodded in agreement.

Jeff stared at Wyshu.  Sparks of envy and anger shot from his head.

Spoony Spoonicus
"I was the only person in this Earthbound fanfic who wasn't made obsolete by Zero or one of his bimbos!  Now that's ruined!"

Zero X. Diamond
Pretty funny considering he's the only one here without some sort of magic powers.


Why do I have to work with little miss "I'm the biggest genius and you're not neener neener" over here...?  The only answer he could muster was a groan.  She turned and looked at him.  Wyshu smiled widly and childishly.  "What's wrong, Jeff?  You getting jealous?"

Jeff grumbled.  He pulled out his Godly Wrench, and immediately got the blue orah.

Star Platinum
ORA ORA ORA ORA ORA ORA ORA ORA ORA ORA ORA!


 "Well, Little Wyshu, what do you say we get to work?"  She looked at the wrench.  "My, that relic is powerful.  Let me see that!"  Jeff laughed, knowing she could never hold it.  His laughter suddenly stopped, as she picked it up and the same orah enveloped her.

Zero X. Diamond
Well, what do you know?  Talah Rama was full of shit.

"Cute, very cute.  Knowledge enhancing wrench.  Only thing it could possibly do for me is tighten nuts."  Jeff stared at her, quite shocked.

N-n-n... no way!  I did NOT just see that!  She took the wrench from me, and it didn't even effect her!  Jeff groaned.  Well, I guess that proves she really is the number one genius scientist in the universe...

Spoony Spoonicus
Nah, she was just deemed worthy by Hephaestus.


With that, he snatched his wrench and idly twirled it about.  He and Wyshu began work on the device.  Zero, Rocky and Ness were working hard on the plans.  Ryoto was busy trying to flirt with Zero.  Across from her, Nyeka was clenching her fists.

Wretched flea-bag!  Zero's too good for her...  she thought.  Some day, I will have him.  And Ryoto?  I'll have her imprisoned!  Nyeka accidentally cackled aloud at the thought.  She quickly covered her mouth and returned to work on the map.  Ryoto knew she was up to something and clung to Zero with all her might, just to tease her.  Zero heaved a tremendous sigh.

Why is it me? he wondered.  Why do they always have to be clinging to me?  Me of all people!  The one who spent, what, 11 years on the street?  The one who just happened to be, for the longest time, the least popular guy around?

Mega Man
Hooray for shoehorned tragic backstories.

I wish someone would tell me...

Zero X. Diamond
Because you are the author's self-insert and the author was an unmedicated depressive who was a desperately lonely social outcast?


They spent countless hours sweating and thinking over the tables.

Spoony Spoonicus
At some point they'd begun a game of Monopoly and nobody had managed to get a monopoly on any color before all the properties were purchased.   Everyone had stubbornly refused to sell or trade, the bank had run out of money over a week ago and their friendships were crumbling at an alarming rate...

Beads of sweat collected all over their bodies.  Zero was scribbling quick enough to start a fire.  The girls were just sitting there swooning.

Zero X. Diamond
So much for your plan, Zero.


Jeff socked Wyshu in the back of the head with the Godly Wrench.  She immediately snapped out of it.

Mayor Mike Haggar
What?  No!  If you want to be a hero again, go after one of the two serial rapists with that thing, not the one who's smarter than you!

"OW!  Say, didn't your mommy ever teach you not to hit ladies?"  Jeff's eyes became big like saucers.  They became foggy and dialated.

Zero X. Diamond
Instant cataracts.

Spoony Spoonicus
Then his face melted off and Ness' head caught fire and exploded.

Wyshu stared at him, then began a thorough examination.  "He's in shock...  I wonder... could it be something about his... mom?"

Spoony Spoonicus
Is it time for more shoehorned backstory concerning a character who was never seen or mentioned in Earthbound?  I think it is!

Zero X. Diamond
Number one genius scientist in the universe and it took a thorough examination to figure that one out?


Jeff twitched.  He fell to the ground and started screaming.  His body flung itself about madly.

Zero X. Diamond
Jesus, thinking about his mom gives him seizures?  What the hell kind of abuse did Jeff experience as a kid?


Zero turned red, and the pencil snapped in two.  "WHAT IN BLAZES IS GOING ON!?$)("  He saw Jeff flailing about and jumped.  Wyshu put her arm on his shoulder.  "He appears to be having a nervous fit."

Zero was unknowingly turning red.  He couldn't speak, and he didn't know why.

Zero X. Diamond
I... don't know why either.


After a few minutes, he came back to life.  "Oh!  Isn't there anything you can do, Little Wyshu?"  She smiled and ran her hand down Zero's armor.

Zero X. Diamond
Oh god.


 "Yeah, I'll see what I can do.  Just a second."

She walked across the room to a briefcase.  Wyshu popped it open and pulled a door out of it, which she placed on the wall.  "Zero, bring Jeff over here.  He'll be fine, don't worry."  Zero shook his head a little.  He just snapped out of it from her running her hand down the length of his chest.  "Oh, right!"

Spoony Spoonicus
It'd be easier for him to concentrate if you weren't trying to give him a handjob.


With that, Zero and Jeff vanished through the door, followed quickly by Wyshu.  The rest tried to follow, only to find it locked.  Ryoto was blowing her stack.  "GRRRRRRRR!!!  STUPID... GAH!!!  SHE GOT HIM AGAIN!!@$*&"  Everyone else stared blankly at her.

In her subspace lair, Wyshu had set up a psychiatrist-like setting.

Zero X. Diamond
This scene is going to be painful.

Spoony Spoonicus
Lucy sat behind a cardboard booth with a sign scribbled in marker reading "The Doctor is Real In".


 She set Jeff down on the couch, pushed Zero down in a chair next to it, and sat on his lap.  Wyshu made herself comfortable, making sure to wrap her free arm around Zero.  Zero turned red and froze.  "There, I'm comfy.  Aren't you, sweetie?"

Zero couldn't respond.  He was frozen solid.  There was just something about him that locked him up tighter than a bank vault when girls got that extremely close to him.

Zero X. Diamond
Yes, this has been established.


Little Wyshu stared at him.  "That's wonderful!"

"Now Jeff," she said.  "Lay it all down on Little Wyshu."  Jeff had by now stopped thrashing, and he began his sob story.  "Well, it all began back when I was four.  My mother died then.  She was killed in a terrible lab accident envolving a microwave and non-dairy creamer.

Zero X. Diamond
Wow.  Just... wow.

We're attempting some serious drama here, and instead of going for that we make a Pinky and the Brain reference and use that as the reason that Jeff's mother died.
Mega Man
Playing tragedy for laughs.  Because this fanfic, like most, is geared toward sociopaths.


Ironic how life stabs you in the back with whatever it has on hand, isn't it...?"  Wyshu was perplexed.

"Non-dairy creamer, eh?" she finally managed.  "Never did understand how that stuff worked.

Zero X. Diamond
HAHAHA!  BECAUSE PINKY AND THE BRAIN MADE THAT JOKE!  IT'S FUNNY AGAIN NO MATTER WHAT THE CONTEXT!
Spoony Spoonicus
I'm having a flashback to Unepic.  A game I stopped playing less than 15 minutes in because it continually confuses "referencing other things" for "being funny".

"Haha, he called him Zeratul!  It's funny because I've played Starcraft!  And now he referenced Lord of the Rings, Star Wars, Metal Gear and System Shock all in one sentence!  HAHAHA! Oh my god, I can't take it!"
(Closes game, smashes "UNINSTALL" as hard as he can)

But, my guess is that the radiation from the interior of the microwave caused a horrific mutation in the cells of the creamer, causing indescripable amounts of damage to the fabric of the current state of the space/time continuum.  This caused many horrible things to happen, including the destruction of 3 planets, and the extinction of 1,403 alien lifeforms.  But, there is a possibility of your mother having lived through this experience, as the destructive force would have gradually gotten worse as it travelled into the infinite reaches of space, thus, your mom may have been swallowed by the mutated non-dairy creamer and been projected into an alternate dimension.  So cheer up kiddo, your mom is probably fine."

Zero X. Diamond
So to sum up: groanworthy "comical" analysis utilizing made-up techno-bullshit that attempts to negate any and all tragedy in the event.  Wonderful.


Jeff began to feel much better.  "You... really think so?" he sniffled.  Wyshu laughed childishly.  "Have you known me to be wrong yet?"

Spoony Spoonicus
"Considering I've known you for all of five hours, I can't say that I have."


 "Well," he said.  "I guess not.  Let's get back to work."  They stood up, Zero still petrified in the chair.  "Uh, Zero?" inquired Jeff.  "Are you coming or what?"  He snapped out of his trancelike state.  "Oh, yeah, yeah, I'm coming."

They emerged from the room, and everything was ready.  "Ladies and gentlemen, I proudly present..."  Zero smirked in a strange way.  "THE PLANS."  With that, their carefully drawn plans and secret weapon came together for the ultimate guerilla operation...

Zero X. Diamond
Wherein we hastily replace Che Guevara and Fidel Castro with some generic dudes and remove all references to Cuba for the US release.


They all arrived at the beach in the dark shroud of the night.  The moon shone brightly in the sky, the reflection off the water giving off a beautiful light.  If they weren't there on a life or death mission, they may have even stopped to admire it.  All of them, with the exception of Zero, clad in black,

Zero X. Diamond
Everybody's in covert mode except for Zero, which is a great plan because they can blend into the background even better while he does all the heavy lifting.


they read through the plans a final time.  They knew they might not make it back alive,

Zero X. Diamond
You know, like if the author forgot to include another two or three more convenient deus ex machinas to save their asses.


but it was worth it for the security of the world and its future.