Random quote:



Check out my other site, RPGreats, for honest RPG reviews!

2/06/2014

Rise of the Technoids, Part 7

Indeed that was what he was doing. She had a nick on her cheek. He applied a band-aid to it and continued looking.

Zero X. Diamond
Nyeka was so eager to nurse Zero back to health that she completely neglected to look at the poor woman that fell out of the plot hole.

The girl appeared to be wearing some sort of uniform. He put his hand on her head. It was cool at first, and then it began to warm up. Finally, she opened her eyes.

Zero X. Diamond
He has the touch of life!  Our savior has come!!


She looked around in confusement.

Mega Man
I look at this word in fuckment.


"Wow... where am I?" she said in a dazed tone. ZXD stared blankly. "Uhm... this is Summers. On planet Earth?" The girl looked around the room. "Oh... so this is what Earth looks like! Are you an Earthman?" Zero's eye twitched, just for a split second.

Zero X. Diamond
lol anime

 "Uh. Yeah, I am. And who might you be?"

Many of the strange bodily happenings in history do terrible things.

Zero X. Diamond
I've said it before and I'll say it again: what?
Clobberpuppy
A butterfly can twitch its wings in China and cause a hurricane in the Gulf of Mexico!  And inspire a really shitty Ashton Kutcher movie!


At the very moment Zero's eye twitched, a volcano erupted on the planet of the Fig People in such a violent manner, the entire race was wiped out.

Zero X. Diamond
Zero's shitty anime reaction destroyed an entire civilization?!

Spoony Spoonicus
Our hero, ladies and gentlemen.


All except for one baby who was jettisoned in an escape pod, moments before the whole surface was engulfed. It set a crash course for the Earth. But before it could do anything, it was swallowed by a man named Jack ("Ugh," he said, out and about in Summers. "I think I just swallowed a bug!") and the Fig People were gone.

Zero X. Diamond
This is apparently some primitive attempt at humor... I think?

Spoony Spoonicus
Ogg the caveman later invented the phrase "bird poop hawooga honk honk" and the face of comedy as we knew it was changed forever.


She got a serious look now. "I am Private First Class Minoushi of the Galaxy Police! I was on standard patrol when all of a sudden, this small planet sucked me in." Ryoto laughed slightly in the back of the room. Man, what a ditz! she thought. "On patrol near here? Whatever for?" Zero questioned.

Zero X. Diamond
Note that he doesn't ask what the hell the Galaxy Police are.  Because, you know, they're well-known by all on Earth.  Especially the Earth that was in EarthBound.


 "Well," she began. "It all started, when I got a call from the chief..."

Clobberpuppy
"I'm done with all those exploding letters.  This time I'm just going to call!"


*fade to flashback*

"Minoushi? ... Minoushi?!? ... MINOUSHI!!!"

Transceiver
Snake, what's wrong?  Snake?  SNAAAAAAAAAAAAAAKE!

a voice blasted through a video screen. It was the chief. Minoushi sat in the other room, watching some TV. When it got to yelling, she jolted up. "My goodness, it's the chief!" said Minoushi. She stumbled around, trying to make herself presentable.

Mayor Mike Haggar
I've had mornings like that.  Super drunk, can't find my shoes or my keys or my wallet and they want me to cut the ribbon on some hospital or something at noon...


Many minutes later she burst from the back and quickly stood at attention.

"Private First Class Minoushi reporting, sir!" she piped up. The chief was red with anger. "Minoushi! Where have you been?" She looked at him blankly. "Well, I've been lots of places..." He gave her the stupid look. "Skip it. Listen, it is reported that the interdimensional mastermind, Sigma, has resurfaced in your area!"

Zero X. Diamond
Right, okay, so now these Galaxy Police chucklefucks know all about Sigma too?  I think we need a chart accompanying this fanfic.


Minoushi perked up at the name of Sigma. "What? You mean Sigma, the infamous destroyer of worlds?" "Yes, I do indeed. But at the present moment, he is in a viral state, lurking on a computer disk. Now is the time to strike! If he manages to take on a body, there's going to be no stopping him!

Zero X. Diamond
You know, like those eight or nine other times he took on bodies and was readily defeated!

Now, program these coordinates into your ship's computer." He rambled off a bunch of jumbled numbers and signed off.

"Gosh... I don't think I can remember all that..." she whined. "Something amiss, Minoushi?" the ship's computer chimed up. "I've been informed by the chief that the evil Sigma has been sighted in our area." The computer didn't respond for a moment. "... Sigma? Oh dear me. What are the coordinates?" Minoushi puzzled a bit. "Uhm, I think it was 35.674286, 23.395923... or was it 23.395923, 35.674286? Or was it..." Minoushi continued crazily spouting off possible coordinates, until she eventually broke down and cried.

Clobberpuppy
Oh whoa whoa whoa sweet child of mine!

Zero X. Diamond
A strong female character, ladies and gentlemen.


Unfortunately, all the while, the ship was approaching the Earth at an alarming speed. It was dropping faster than a stone. The ship was dragged into subspace. By the time she realized what was happening, all she could do was apply the brakes and hope for the best.

Zero X. Diamond
Brakes on a starship.  Yeah, okay.

Mayor Mike Haggar
Located right next to the screen door.


She was ejected from the interior, and that's where she came in.

Spoony Spoonicus
The Spaceman Spiff entrance.

Zero stared blankly at her. "So, what you're saying is you're here after Sigma?" Minoushi turned to face him.

Zero X. Diamond
 Yeah, I'm pretty sure that's been established.


"Well, yes, that is who I was looking for." His expression darkened. "Look no further. Sigma is here and is terrorizing this world."

Minoushi finally got a good look around. She saw Zero in detail now, and she looked a bit. Then, her eyes turned at Ryoto. Ryoto cracked an evil grin, and then laughed. "Do I look familiar to you?" Minoushi looked closely. "Oh yes! You're..." Ryoto laughed even harder. "You're that nice lady who works at the jeweler's, aren't you?" Her face immediately greeted the floor.

Zero X. Diamond
"Hello floor," said Ryoto's face.  "I am a lady's face."


 Nyeka snickered, then remarked, "My my my, the space pirate isn't as sure-footed as we thought!"

Minoushi gasped. "You mean she's a...?" Ryoto was instantly back on her feet. "Yes," she laughed. "I am Ryoto, dreaded space pirate, sent by TNO."

Zero X. Diamond
TNO, who exists solely as a plot device to shoehorn Zero's harem of space girlfriends into the fanfic and bears no relation to any of the events that are going on.

Spoony Spoonicus
Weren't they a wrestling stable at one point?

Zero turned and looked out the window as Ryoto and Minoushi got into it. He sighed heavily, then noticed something coming from over the ocean. "What in the world..."

Clobberpuppy
An infectious tune came a-blaring.  "Yar har fiddledy dee, being a pirate is alright with me!  Do what you want 'cause a pirate is free!  You are a pirate!"

Zero X. Diamond
"It's only me from over the sea," cried Barnacle Bill the Sailor.  "I just got back from Portugee aboard a British whaler!"


It was a PT boat, but not like any from the war.

Matt
Hey look, a PT Cruiser!

Pat
Oh shut the fuck up, you don't even know what a PT Cruiser is!


 It was equipped with modern weapons, like rocket launchers and vulcan cannons.

Zero X. Diamond
So they can build super advanced robots and weapons, but are just repurposing outdated military surplus vehicles for their use?


The boat came full speed towards Summers. A rocket burst from the side and went spiraling into the side of the building. Zero was launched out the window, where he landed on a ledge below.

Zero X. Diamond
Welp, here comes another round of Zero appearing to die to show that he totally has weaknesses and isn't just some all-powerful man-deity.


Then he saw the boat closely. It was loaded to the brim with technoids, covered in camoflauge, all of which toting weapons of war. Automatics, semi-automatics, sidearms, explosives, and any other kind of weapon, they had it.

Spoony Spoonicus
Even including Diddy Kong's peanut popgun.

Without warning, the building was blasted again. The topside began to tilt downwards. It was going to fall, with all four of them in it! This, was going to hurt. A lot.

Zero X. Diamond
That's, not how you, use commas, you, idiot.


Zero leapt back inside, and he grabbed the girls. He blew a hole in the roof and leapt out. ZXD threw the girls onto the beach. Moments later, the building came crashing down on top of him.

Zero X. Diamond
Yeah, there we go.  We're back on track.  Zero's dead again.  Next part of the cycle is everyone crying, followed by deus ex machina reviving him, followed by big stupid boss fight.  Of course, there's the new plot device of "new space girlfriend appears," so we'll have to see where that gets shoehorned in next.

Across town, the rest of our heroes, who had previously been shopping for neat sunglasses, now were rushing to the site of the building.

Zero X. Diamond
The 90s, ladies and gentlemen.  An era when you spent your downtime buying cool shades.

 Rocky was beaded with sweat, followed closely by Ness. They were the most concerned. The others were still wondering what all the commotion was about. "What in the lords name are we running to see?" Jeff inquired. Ness gave a grave shout, "THAT'S THE BUILDING ZERO AND THE GIRLS WERE IN!"

Ryoto brushed the sand out of her eyes, and looked over to the building. "Zero...?" she screamed. "ZERO?!??!" She faded from where she was and appeared by the building.

Spoony Spoonicus
Wait, she could teleport all along?  That might have been a good thing to do earlier!

Ryoto began frantically pulling rubble aside.

Zero X. Diamond
Poor thing doesn't know about Zero's medical condition where he has to appear to die every five minutes.


Nyeka and Minoushi watched in grim realization of what had just taken place.  There was a clanging noise. It was the sound of his helmet, stained with blood, rolling out from under the rubble.

Zero X. Diamond
Oh shit, that building was heavier than a train full of elephants!


 Ryoto picked it up and held it against her. "Zero... my love...

Zero X. Diamond
Look, you barely knew the guy, and last time I checked he'd gone back to fearing your crazy ass.


No... NO... NOOOOOOOOO!!!!"

Mayor Mike Haggar
Wyatt Earp you are not.


Her eyes turned red with fury. She burst into a berserking fit. Ryoto began collecting energy. Then she let loose her fury against the technoid PT boat. A tremendous bolt of raw energy tore across the street, sending pavement everywhere, turning the beach's sand into glass for several yards around,

Zero X. Diamond
Oh yeah, that's gonna be good for tourism.  "Come to Summers and cut your feet to ribbons on the newly renamed Shattered Glass Beach!"


and effectively destroying the entire boat. She leapt at the few survivors and began ripping them to shreds, sending tiny particles of steel everywhere.

Spoony Spoonicus
Are these robots made of foil?  Because if not that's really scary.


But it still wasn't enough, and she proceded to fall to her knees and cry.

Rocky and Ness finally got there. "Woah, Ryoto! What's the deal?" Ness questioned.  Ryoto managed to speak between sobs. "My love... is... gone!!! Zero is dead!!!" Everyone suddenly froze.

Zero X. Diamond
They didn't know how to tell her the dude had died multiple times already.


It was eerie, almost as if time itself had decided to take a vacation.

Zero X. Diamond
 I really hate these "clever" turns of phrase I was coming up with.

Clobberpuppy
Well at least he picked a good place to do it.  Aside from all the broken glass and carnage that followed him, of course.


 The first one to finally manage a response was Rocky. He started to cry, uncontrollably. "He was my best friend... I... can't believe he's gone!"

Zero X. Diamond
Because he's not, dumbass.  He never is.  You have to know this by now.


The rest of the gang followed his lead.

Spoony Spoonicus
Even Doctor Doom shed a tear.


Before this situation gets out of hand, let's take you to a ship orbiting Earth's moon. It's a Juraian ship,

Zero X. Diamond
I didn't point this out before, but I just wanted to say I think it's pretty goddamn funny that they changed all the characters' names but left the name of the planet Jurai as-is.


 definitely the highest of the royal class. There are three people aboard. One of them is the ship's brain, in a human form, Sunami.

Spoony Spoonicus
You have entered... the Twilight Zone.


The next is the sister of Nyeka, Tasami. The third is a person whose brains are thought to be splattered all over the sidewalk in Summers, you know him, you love him,

Zero X. Diamond
That's debatable.


 the story really just wouldn't be the same without him... ZERO DIAMOND!

He rubbed his head. "Ungh... wh... what happened? I feel like my head was in a vice..."

Clobberpuppy
Then the camera pans out and reveals that it really is.  Wa-wa-wa-waaaa!

A voice spoke from the darkness, "Actually, in a sense, it was. You were rescued a split second before you were crushed beneath a building."

Zero X. Diamond
Uh, I think you were a bit late, lady.  His helmet was bloody.  Dude's probably got a cerebral hemorrhage the size of New Jersey.


The voice's source was soon identified, as Sunami walked out from the shadows.

Spoony Spoonicus
Sunami, sister of Hurricanes Rita and Sandy.


She looked at Zero, turning red with embarassment. "What? What... is... IT??!" With that he had the grim realization that he was no longer wearing clothes. He bolted up and grabbed the nearest thing, a sheet from the floor next to him, and wrapped himself up in it.

Zero X. Diamond
A little something for the ladies.  You know, the ones who would never, ever read this far into this story because a.) it's horrible and b.) at this point it was no longer online.

Mayor Mike Haggar
Is that an alien thing?  They teleport you to safety but leave everything you're wearing behind so they can stare at your wang?


"You can open your eyes, miss. I've made myself decent."

Zero X. Diamond
Wait, a girl who DOESN'T want to see him naked?  Are we still reading the same story??


 Sunami uncovered an eye, then both of them. She cleared her throat and began, "I am the mind of this ship. It belongs to Princess Tasami, sister to Princess Nyeka. Tasami came looking for Nyeka when she embarked on a long journey to meet with a powerful force on Earth and hadn't returned for much time.

Zero X. Diamond
She came looking for her sister after she was gone for like a single day?  How needy is this kid?


I guess this is lucky for you. Without our quick actions, you would have been chatting with God right now."

Zero X. Diamond
The people of Jurai are very Christian.

Spoony Spoonicus
At least they're not Scientologists.

Zero blinked. "How in the world did you even know I needed help?" Sunami smiled gently. "There is an astral link between the royalties. I felt that someone very dear to Princess Nyeka was in trouble.

Zero X. Diamond
Jesus, that terrible movie with Jim Carrey and Jeff Goldblum had it backwards.  SPACE girls are easy.


 That turned out to be you. Oh, gracious me, I nearly forgot to ask! Would you like to meet your gracious host now?" He nodded.

"Very well." said Sunami. With that, he was whipped through the second dimension at lightspeed to another point on the ship.

Zero X. Diamond
Incredibly impractical AND ridiculously stupid!
Spoony Spoonicus
Star Ocean 3 did the same thing by having a hotel with teleporters to get you to the second floor.  Apparently the future's too good for stairs or elevators.  Or sensible world design.  Or logic in general.

However short it was, he came out in excrutiating pain. "Remind me," he wheezed, coming out of it, "NEVER to go through the second dimension ever again!"

Clobberpuppy
"I nearly took Mario's head off in there!"


The voice of a small child giggling came from near him. He opened his eyes to reveal a young girl with blue hair standing before him.

"Hello!" she piped up cheerfully. "My name is Tasami!" He looked at her. "Oh, hello! I'm Zero Diamond, from the Earth. See it down there?" Zero pointed out a window at the Earth.


Zero X. Diamond
"I piloted the ship here," said Tasami.  "Don't patronize me, asshole."


"Yes, it looks so pretty!" My, she sure was cheerful.

Zero X. Diamond
Really cheerful for a girl talking to a strange, half-naked alien dude that her ship automatically brought aboard on a whim.


"So, um, Tasami? I hear you're looking for your sister, Nyeka?" Her eyes lit up as she swiftly turned around to face him. "Yes I am! Do you know where I can find her?" He pointed out the window again. "She's down there, where I was." She gave a look of wonderment. "Then that's where we'll go! C'mon Zero!" With that, they were whisked to the surface of the Earth.

Spoony Spoonicus
But then thanks to a loading glitch they got stuck and were whisked back to the ship instantly.  So they tried again.  And again.  And again.  And again.


A bright flash came about in front of those mourning Zero's passing. They shielded their tear-filled eyes, in fear they might lose sight. This light was indeed blinding. And then the light lifted, revealing Tasami and a shaking, wheezing Zero. "Ack! I promised myself I'd never do that again!"

Zero X. Diamond
Hahahahaha!  It's even funnier the second time!

 Everyone heard the voice, and once again, time stood still.

Spoony Spoonicus
Why are they at all surprised?  This guy dies and comes back more often than Kenny on South Park.


This time the first to react was Ryoto. "Oh Zero! I was so broken! I thought you had left me forever! But now, we're reunited... we're happy again..." She threw herself into Zero's arms, knocking him to the ground. "Guuooh! Let me go, Ryoto!" he cried, hitting his head on a rock.

Zero X. Diamond
How'd he hit his head against his own head?


At the same time Tasami looked around for Nyeka. She saw her on the other side of the rubble. "Nyeka! Nyeka, it's me! Tasami!" Nyeka looked up, and cried even harder. "Oh Tasami! I thought I would never see you again!"

Zero X. Diamond
YOU'VE BEEN ON EARTH FOR LIKE A SINGLE DAY!!  WHAT THE FUCK IS WITH YOU PEOPLE??


 Tasami launched herself at her sister.

Clobberpuppy
Doesn't anybody just walk two feet anymore?


They hugged briefly, then Nyeka asked, "How on Earth did you find me?" She pointed at Zero. "He knew you were here!"

She just about died on the spot. "My goodness! He's alive! Oh Zero, I'm so glad you're alive!" She climbed up the rubble and threw her arms around him. "Guuuoh!!!" He fell into the rubble again. "Maybe I should get used to the taste of rubble..."

Zero X. Diamond
I'd rather be eating a big fucking bowl of rubble than be reading this piece of shit.
Spoony Spoonicus
Not to dampen this happy moment here, but dozens of other people are probably dead or severely injured from that building collapsing and Ryoto's little freakout that superheated a huge tract of land and caused a massive explosion...


 Nyeka looked at him. "Oh, I'm sorry! I didn't mean to knock you down." She helped him up and dusted him off.

"Oh, geez, I just realized!" he laughed. "I'm still wearing a sheet. Anyone want to help dig my clothes and armor out of there?"

Zero X. Diamond
No, do it yourself you asshole.  You've caused us enough grief for one lifetime.


They worked for three hours. Everyone except Ryoto. She complained of a stomach-ache and went to check into a hotel down the street.

Spoony Spoonicus
Plus, you know, the army and police were looking for a superpowered psychopath who caused millions in collateral damage and probably several deaths...


But when the rubble was cleared, his clothes were nowhere to be seen.

Mayor Mike Haggar
They'd have to be out there for days to clear the rubble from one building...


"What?!? They should be here!!! How in the world did they..."

Then it dawned on him. "Argh! I bet I know where they went..." He marched down the street, grumbling. "Excuse me sir," he said to the man at the desk of the hotel. "Did a woman with blue hair come in here?" He scratched his head. "Gee, I don't know, my memory isn't so well anymore..." Zero placed a hundred on the desk.

Zero X. Diamond
Did he have money jammed up his ass?  Where the hell did it come from?!


 "Oh, yeah, now I remember. She's in room 32. But... I can't remember if I have a spare key or not..." He got sick of this and picked up the man by his shirt. "Look mister, this is kind of an emergency, or else I wouldn't be standing here in a sheet, would I? NOW HAND OVER THE KEY." The man promptly gave Zero an extra key to room 32.

Spoony Spoonicus
That clerk's awfully jerkish for no reason.  Not to mention kind of stupid.  I mean, if a guy came into my hotel wearing nothing but a sheet, sporting a surly attitude and looking for a woman, I'd call the fucking cops!

He went and found the room, promptly entering.

Zero X. Diamond
Don't go in there; it's a trap!!


The sight before him almost made him drop the sheet, but by sheer luck he managed to notice himself letting it slip and pulled it up.

Mayor Mike Haggar
Missus Ryoto, you're trying to seduce me!


 There was Ryoto, wearing his armor.

Zero X. Diamond
This isn't weird.  Not at all.  No sir.


"Ryoto?!? What in the blazes????" She turned around abruptly and threw herself at Zero. Ryoto made a note to kick the door shut.

"Well hello there, Zero! Small world after all!" She laughed. "Argh, trapped in the web of the spider!" Ryoto cackled. "Exxxxxxxxxactly...

Mayor Mike Haggar
And by "seduce", I mean "rape and murder".

Zero X. Diamond
This is literally making my eyes water.


now then, just close your eyes, Zero. I'm not going to bite..." Zero struggled to break free, but to no avail.

A while later, he emerged from the room, eye twitching, face covered in lipstick, clothes in his arms.

Zero X. Diamond
 Oh my God.  She straight up raped him.  I... I never thought I'd feel pity for Zero.


 He gave out a strangled laugh, and proceded to collapse on the floor. Ryoto cackled again, "Finally, I've got you all to myself..."

Zero X. Diamond
Christ, woman!  How active is your libido?  Didn't you have enough in round one??


 Suddenly, a pebble plinked off her head. Nyeka was there! "You leave your hands off of Zero! Can't you see he's been through enough today?" She started yelling. "Zero is mine! You can't have him, you harlet!"

While they were in a yelling match, Zero put on his clothes and tried to sneak away,

Mayor Mike Haggar
Fuck sneaking, RUN!
Zero X. Diamond
So all this time, Zero's just been standing in the hallway of this sleazy hotel totally nude.  Dude must have been really fuckin' shellshocked by what happened to him in there.


 but halfway through, both of them grabbed an arm. "Guuooh!

Zero X. Diamond
I dunno where this came from, but you gotta knock that shit off, son.


Not this again!!!" They began pulling him back and forth and arguing over posession. Tasami walked in and looked at Zero. "What's going on?" she asked. "They're fighting over me... they always do this..." He grumbled as they stretched him out like an old piece of gum.

Spoony Spoonicus
Is someone going to call the fucking cops here, or what?  If not for the strange half-naked man and the blatant rape, than certainly at least for a noise complaint...


The fighting went on for a quite some time. But after a while, everyone, even the girls, got tired.

Zero X. Diamond
They fought over him for six and a half hours in the middle of a war-torn city without so much as yawning, but as soon as they do it in a comfortable hotel room, it's time to hit the hay.


They decided they might as well make good use of the room Ryoto rented, and they went to sleep. Ryoto made a note to slip in with Zero when he fell asleep.

Zero X. Diamond
Oh no!  Wake up, Zero!  Wake up!!


 He woke up with a start, finding Ryoto hanging around him. But this was different. She was asleep.

Zero X. Diamond
I dunno, I don't trust it.  I give it ten minutes before she's trying to unwrap his package again.

 Aww, she looks so cute when she's asleep. Zero thought, before going back to sleep.

Spoony Spoonicus
Stockholm syndrome is a real bitch.

The next morning everyone awoke with a start. Nyeka was yelling at Ryoto already. "How dare you sleep with Zero!!?#$ Can't you see he doesn't love you!!?#$ Now, as for me..."

Zero X. Diamond
"... he's barely even interacted with me so far and I know next to nothing about him!  Clearly he's MY boyfriend!"

Ryoto rubbed her eyes. "What? I'm sorry, I wasn't listening to your useless blabbering..." "Hey, lay off you two! Ryoto wasn't at fault. She wasn't doing anything wrong."

Mayor Mike Haggar
I think any prosecuting attorney worth his salt would disagree.


 Zero yawned. Rocky rubbed his stomach. "Ugh, I haven't had anything to eat since 2 days ago..."

Zero X. Diamond
 If only you hadn't wasted all your money buying those sick fuckin' Raybans you're rocking.


 Zero nodded. "I don't think anyone has. So, um. Where should we go for breakfast?"

Clobberpuppy
Roadkill Cafe.  You kill it, we grill it!


Tasami chimed in, "I can cook breakfast!" Zero turned slightly red. "Oh, well, that's breakfast for 11 people... I think that I'll go out and eat. Anyone else want to come?" Ryoto and Rocky responded at exactly the same time.

Zero X. Diamond
Oh great, now Rocky's trying to enter the harem.


Ness guessed he had nothing to lose, and Paula decided to go with Ness. "Well then, Tasami! That evens up who you have to cook for! I mean, I wouldn't want you to have to go to all the trouble..." It was Tasami's turn for blushing. "You're so nice! Thank you, Zero!" He smiled and waved as he walked out the door.

As they walked down the street, Rocky was puzzled. "Zero, how is it you can talk so well to Tasami, but not the other girls?"

Zero X. Diamond
"I'm a pedophile."


Ryoto was wondering the same question, but reworded quite nastily. She was pouting to herself. "Well," he said. "She's like a little sister! It's easy to talk to someone when they just feel like they're family, I guess." Ryoto floated up behind him and wrapped her arms around his neck. "But don't I remind you of a wife, Zero?"

Spoony Spoonicus
"One of the horrible parents from Dance Moms, maybe."

Zero X. Diamond
 Lady, BACK OFF.  You're even making me, the reader, uncomfortable now.


Zero swallowed, then let out a deep sigh. If I say yes, will she let go of me, or squeeze me tighter?... he wondered to himself.

They arrived at the restaurant in short time, Ryoto now sitting on Zero's shoulders.

Mayor Mike Haggar
Just waiting for a perfect speeding bus to throw her under.


Ness and Paula laughed quietly in the back.

Spoony Spoonicus
At least they're not paired up yet like in every crummy Earthbound fic I've read.


 They stood by the door, waiting for someone to seat them. One of the waiters whispered to the other, "Geez, what a nutty pack of characters..." Finally, someone came to them.

"I'm sorry, but we do not allow riffraff in this fine establishment."

Spoony Spoonicus
Are they at Denny's?


 Ryoto yelled at the semi-balding man. "Listen here, you! If it wasn't for me and my sweetie here, your whole city would be under siege by robots right now! You saw those missiles slamming into the city yesterday, right? I completely destroyed the robots who fired them, and everything else they had with them.

Mayor Mike Haggar
"You also incinerated my brother and my uncle had to have his leg amputated after being pelted by shrapnel, you insane harpy.", the maitre' d interrupted.


Now, if you don't let us in I'm afraid your fine establishment may suffer the same fate." She grinned evilly.

Zero X. Diamond
And remember, always counter bad customer service with insane death threats.

Mega Man
Our heroes, ladies and gentlemen.


The man swallowed. "Uh, perhaps I misspoke. I think there is a table available in the back. Follow me, please." With that, the man escorted them to their table. Ryoto sat as close to Zero as she could. She draped her arm across his shoulders. "Oh Zero, tell me again how much you love me!" He slumped over.

Mega Man
Silently begging for the sweet release of death.  I can sympathize.
Spoony Spoonicus
Is this story actually some great tragedy in disguise?  He's forced to fight endless hordes of invincible monsters by a quack scientist while dealing with a harem of insane hyperstrong women who want to rape him constantly and he's never granted freedom, through death or otherwise?

Back at the hotel, Tasami was still fixing breakfast. Nyeka got to talking with Jeff. Minoushi was trying to listen in but she kept getting confused and crying.

Zero X. Diamond
Maybe she needs somebody to change her diaper.


He snickered to himself.

Zero X. Diamond
Minoushi's a dude now??


Poo was in the other room meditating with Jack.

Spoony Spoonicus
Trouble's around the corner looking for Poop.


"Nyeka, what's it like on your planet?" Nyeka became very silent, her eyes like pools of water.

 "Erm... perhaps I asked a bad ques-"

"No, no, I was just thinking about my brother, that's all... Now, Jurai? It was a beautiful place, much like Earth. Until a force of great evil came and pestilence rained from the sky... the great cities were destroyed, their people diseased, their hopes and dreams broken...

Clobberpuppy
North Korea?


my brother stepped forth to vanquish this evil and never returned. I came here in search of The Nameless One in hopes that he could help me find my brother...

Zero X. Diamond
But when you first showed up you said the Nameless One had sent you to relieve Ryoto since she wasn't doing her job?


but then I met Zero... and... well..." She blushed bright red. Minoushi was confused. "And what? I don't get it..." Everyone fell down.

Zero X. Diamond
I love all these nonsensical anime reactions being written into the story like this.  It really shows a tonal shift away from having stupid boring boss fights every five minutes to having goofy ass anime shit happening every five minutes.
Spoony Spoonicus
It's like going from serious hospital drama to having Bugs Bunny drop a piano on someone's head.  It just doesn't work!


Ryoto was still clinging to Zero. They had ordered and were waiting for their food. Rocky looked at them, then at Ness. "Do you understand these guys?" Ness and Paula laughed. "No, not really." Paula said. The waiter finally got them their food.

Mayor Mike Haggar
It was chock-full of chef dandruff and bus boy urine thanks to their earlier exploits.

They began eating, and Rocky took notice of something. "Boy, they sure do eat alike..." And he was right. Zero and Ryoto both stuffed their faces quickly and ravenously. It seemed like they hadn't eaten for months.

Zero X. Diamond
More anime.  Can't get enough of that anime.


Once again at the hotel, their food was served. They ate heartily with little event. Although Nyeka was still pondering her brother. Zero... she thought, Zero reminds me of my brother. He's the spitting image...

Zero X. Diamond
Oh fuck you.  There's no way.  He's from another goddamn universe!!


Nyeka sighed. We were going to be married... but then he left to fend off the evil plaguing us...  Nyeka began to cry quietly.

Spoony Spoonicus
Incest!  A quintessential part of any horrendous piece of shit.


Ryoto had already finished off 33 plates of food, with Zero coming up from behind with a solid 27. Rocky, Ness, Paula and everyone else around stared at the two foodstuff fiends. "How... can... they eat like that?" Paula questioned. Rocky gave the only answer he could, "They're like animals..." After 257 total plates, they finally got full.

Mayor Mike Haggar
More dumb anime tropes.  Yay!

Zero X. Diamond
What the fuck? Did Zero swallow his stupid fucking mini warp storage thing or something?



PREVIOUS - NEXT