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2/14/2014

Rise of the Technoids, Part 10 (Finale)

"You there.  State your name." said an approaching technoid in a monotonous voice.

Zero X. Diamond
Uh, Walter.  Walter Sobchak.  Construction worker.  Yep, that's my name.

 Zero wasn't sure what to say.

Zero X. Diamond
You mean for once he doesn't have a John Agar-like sense of certainty??


Suddenly, a voice came over the intercom.  "This is ZXD-Hunter Sabbre, reporting back to HQ for debriefing."  The technoid puzzled a moment, finally saying,

Zero X. Diamond
"Nice try, but we got the report on how you went rogue on us after falling for the dumbest trick ever devised."


 "You may pass.  Please wait for oxygenation as always,

Zero X. Diamond
All those robots must use up a lot of air.


then turn left into the parking facility."

Zero X. Diamond
Say what you will about Sigma, at least he provides his employees with adequate parking.
Spoony Spoonicus
And he always gives you a refund when the snack machine eats your money.

They entered the building and saw there was a small room with four doors, probably to keep air from escaping the main areas while someone was entering.  "Oxygenation process activated." a buzzing voice sounded, followed immediately with a hiss.

Zero X. Diamond
The audience.


When the room was oxygenated, the rest of the fortress opened up to them.  Everyone went into the cockpit and gazed in awe.  There it was, the technoid factory floor, where the whole army was being built.  On a catwalk in the back, they saw a familiar figure, whom they assumed must've been a technoid they'd fought previously.

Spoony Spoonicus
Ooo, more plagiarism from Super Mario RPG!

Well, at least he's stealing from a good Square game this time.
Zero X. Diamond
Oh, what richly nuanced face from our past awaits us here on the factory floor?  Spike McSpikerton?  General Hoopy Ploopy?  That other guy??


Finally, Zero decided to do as the technoid had advised and went to park the starship to the left.  "Attention passengers,

Zero X. Diamond
That captain's hat he put on a while ago has really gone to his head.


 feel free to get up and stretch out for now, we've got some hard fighting ahead.  I want you all to be ready to face the toughest villain you've ever fought."

Spoony Spoonicus
Be sure to save under a different slot in case you're severely under-leveled and he ends up curbstomping you.

When everyone finished, they unloaded into the dark, unforgiving factory.  They all took a good look.

Zero X. Diamond
It was hard because of how dark and unforgiving it was.


It was truly a work of art, even though it was manufactured for the purpose of extracting evil upon the universe.  The beams were flawlessly welded together, not a seam in sight.  The robotic tools were gracefully moving about in an aerial ballet.

Mayor Mike Haggar
Just as long as they don't start singing showtunes...


It was a shame it was going to have to all go up in smoke.

And in he walked...

Zero X. Diamond
And now we have a line taken directly from the trailer to Desperado.


At that very moment, everything halted.  Machines in progress of building technoids came to a halt.  All the technoids drew their attention to the group.  A cold, yet familiar voice could be heard laughing over the group.  Now their attention was focused on the figure on the catwalk.

Zero X. Diamond
He'd better be careful or he'll fall off and ruin the opera.


"Very good, we've been expecting you.  Ness, Paula, Jeff, Poo, good too see you again.  And Zero, I'm surely glad you're here.  Remember me?"  Poo stared at him, squinting, focusing his PSI to his vision, so he could see clearer.

Zero X. Diamond
Instead, he ended up bursting his eyeballs with PSI Starstorm.

When he saw the face, he was sent reeling.  "It... can't be!  You're human, not a technoid!"

The figure stepped into clearer view.  Everyone was shocked.  "WHAT THE!??"  "AMAZING!!!"  "JEFF!  CAN'T YOU SEE WHAT'S WRONG HERE?"  "Sorry."

Spoony Spoonicus
Because she broke his glasses!  It's funny!


It was like Sean, but it had changed.

Zero X. Diamond
Leaving the story and reentering it can do that to you.


Instead of a wholly human face, half of it was covered in machinery, as was half of his body.  He was wearing dark clothes and a bright red cape.

Zero X. Diamond
So they turned him into CATS from Zero Wing?
Spoony Spoonicus
Well, they have been set up the bomb already.


Something had been wrong, terribly horribly wrong, and it was quite clear that this was it.

"That's right, I've changed.  CyberSean's the name, and I've been reborn.  I've got super enhanced sight, hearing and strength.

Clobberpuppy
Enhanced hearing?  Quick, blast Linkin Park at him!  He'll be begging for mercy!


I now have the power to destroy the chosen ones and the robot.  I feel like warming up, so I think I'll have a go at it."  With that said, CyberSean threw his cape aside and flung himself off the catwalk, landing directly in front of Ness.

"Hey, what's that on your face?"  "Huh?  Where?  I don't see anything."

Zero X. Diamond
Everyone in this particular universe is incredibly susceptible to little kid tricks.


A punch from his huge, metal fist connected at that moment with Ness's face, sending him straight into a wall.  "Oh, that's my fist.  Sorry!"  He laughed evilly as he watched blood run from his enemy's nose.

Spoony Spoonicus
The battle to determine the fate of the world and it all comes down to first grade playground politics.

Jeff came at him from behind with the Godly Wrench, only succeeding in producing a satisfying clank.

Zero X. Diamond
 So much for that ultimate weapon that would be super useful against the technoids.


The cybernetic arm of this grand evil grabbed Jeff by the head and flung him at the wall.  By now, Poo had gathered enough energy to use a newly learned technique, PSI Starbeam Omega.

Zero X. Diamond
Newly learned since when?


It blazed through his arms and out his palms, melting various objects in it's path.  But upon hitting CyberSean, it simply faded into his back.  A stomp with his foot sent a shockwave at Poo, running him into a wall as well.

"Ahahaha... WAAAAAAHAHAHA!!  Face it kid, YOU'RE A LOSER!  A LOSER WAS A LOSER, IS A LOSER AND ALWAYS WILL BE A LOSER, FROM HERE TO KINGDOM COME!"

Zero X. Diamond
Thanks, dad...


With that, he sent a nearing Paula flying into a wall as well.  All the chosen ones were beaten badly.

Panama Jack stepped up.  "Sean, you've changed.  But it wasn't of your choice, was it?  Say you didn't want this!  Say they forced you!  Tell me buddy... tell me."

CyberSean's evil smile turned to a grimace.  A metal leg connected with Jack's jaw, sending him into the rafters.  His limp body returned to the ground with a terrible thud.  "That's for trying to ooze your sympathies all over me.  You were right, I have changed.  All for the better."

Zero X. Diamond
To be fair, he IS a more interesting character now.

Nyeka called for the aid of her previously unseen guardians,

Zero X. Diamond
Throw more pointless side characters on the pile!!


who proceeded to rush CyberSean.  With a yawn and a twist of his wrist, the guardians were sent flying, pinning Nyeka to the wall.  "Wow, these walls are getting crowded FAST!" he laughed.  Tasami began bawling.  "Wh... wh... whyyyyyyy did yoooooou huuurt my sisterrrrrrr??"  "SHUT UP YOU LITTLE BRAT!"  And with that, another was added to the wall of pain.

Spoony Spoonicus
Well, that's one creative way to use a blank wall.  Most people would put up a bookshelf or something.

Minoushi pulled out her blaster and aimed it right at his head.  "Stop... right there!  Don't make me have to use this!"  The cyborg jokingly raised his hands above his head.  "Ooh, I'm so scared of the Galaxy Police!  I'd better surrender!"  "... Really?  Well then, I'll have to read you your ri-"  A beam of energy from Sean's eye blasted her to her knees and skidded her towards the wall, however, not into it.

Mayor Mike Haggar
WHY DO YOU KEEP FALLING FOR THIS?!


Little Wyshu stepped forwards.  "Hey metalhead!  Why don't you pick on someone your own size?"  CyberSean scanned the girl and then let out a ghastly laugh.  "FOOLISH CHILD!  YOU'LL JOIN YOUR FRIENDS ON THE WALL!"

Zero X. Diamond
OKAY, WE FUCKING GET IT.  YOU HAVE SOME SORT OF WALL FETISH.


With a solid crack to the face, Little Wyshu was sent screaming into the wall.

Rocky pulled out the multi-weapon and focused it into a metal arm, which he fitted over his.  "Alright, you gonna play it rough?  Well now I'm ready!  Bring it on!"

Clobberpuppy
Laffy Taffy Stretchin Rockemsockemrobot!


"Look, that arm's not going to do you any good.  If I were you I'd just stand over by that wall before I have to assist you."  Before he could continue, Sean was knocked to the side by a metal hand.  A grand scale battle ensued.

While the two armored giants were fighting, Zero slipped out to try and get to the spaceship parking area.  He didn't get too far though before a couple hundred worker drones were on him.  Without his armor, he was vulnerable, but incredibly faster.

Zero X. Diamond
So the downside is he can get crushed without so much as a trainload of elephants, but the upside is he can move even fucking faster than he could in his armor.  I'm assuming he'll get out of danger by jumping into fucking hyperspace.

Zero was tearing them apart left and right.  The last one was finished with a devestating blow from the Star Crusher.

When he got to the parking area, he climbed aboard the ship.  He began madly searching for a "Break Merger" button.  Desperately he searched, knowing that he needed his armor for the fight against Sigma.

Zero X. Diamond
 You'd think he would have maybe done this while they were still safe and undetected.  Except, you know, Zero's an idiot.


 Finally he located it, hiding beneath the seat.  Zero immediately pressed it, and watched the ship shrink around him.  A voice came in very statically over his pocket communicator.

"Zero! *cracklestatic* Zero can you *zzzzzzt* me?"  "Yes, I can hear you doctor!  What is it?"

"I forgot to *buzzzzzz* you!  You can revert *crackle* to the ship one *zzzzrrrrrrt*!!  All you have to do is-"  The static overwhelmed the connection.  Apparently the connection wasn't all that good on Mars inside a steel building.  (Who would've guessed?)

Transceiver
Infiltrate the enemy fortress Outer Heaven and destroy the final weapon Metal Gear. First attempt to contact missing our Grey Fox.


Meanwhile, the fight between Rocky and CyberSean was at a standstill.  Both the mechanical arms were grinding and sparking, struggling to break one another.  "YOU FOOL!!  YOU CAN'T DEFEAT ME!!  I'M STRONGER THAN YOU ALL!!"  Rocky was not impressed.  "Big words cannot make lies so.

Spoony Spoonicus
No matter what Fox News tells you.
Zero X. Diamond
He read this in a fortune cookie.


  Accept your defeat and I promise not to laugh!"

But the struggle continued the same.  The bending and grinding of metal could be heard.  Ryoto was the only one there and concious to view the struggle.

Zero X. Diamond
 I can't believe it.  She actually managed to keep her mouth shut and not jump headlong into a conflict?


Zero was on his way, and even he could hear the conflict.  And then it happened.  CyberSean suddenly gained total control over the conflict, and launched Rocky through the catwalk above.

And then he set his sights on Zero.  With a cold laugh he turned to face a now D-Buster charging Zero.  "What's the matter Zero?  Afraid to fight me hand-to-hand?  Afraid I'll crush you?  No matter, all your fears will be put to rest... right... NOW!!"

He lunged at Zero, grabbing his skull and throwing him at a beam.  He stuck his legs out under him and sprang back, knocking CyberSean to the ground and pinning him.

Beavis
Boyoyoyoyoyoying!  Nyeheheheheh...


In reaction, Sean thrusted his legs out and knocked Zero into the ceiling.  Once more Zero recoiled, this time doing a close-range kinetic bomb attack.  CyberSean was sent reeling, unable to see for a moment.

That's when he stopped kidding around.  CyberSean pressed some buttons on the side of his head and let loose a tremendous eyeblast at Zero.

The Angry Video Game Nerd
The Konami Laserscope?  You motherfucker!


 He was sent straight into the wall, head first.  As he sat rubbing his head, CyberSean's eye glowed bright red.  "Say goodbye, ya loser!"

Just then, a crimson beam flew through the air and blasted him in the head.  It knocked the mechanism clear off his face.  "AAAAAAUGH!!"  Another bolt of energy appeared in Ryoto's hand, this time forming a sword.  With a scream, she began slashing the armor off of Sean's now obviously still human body.  "NOONE IS GOING TO HURT MY ZERO!!!  EVER!!!"  He was quickly reduced to a mere human again, lying unconcious in a pile of metal.

Zero X. Diamond
Why didn't she do this sooner?!


At that moment, it became increasingly more apparent that she was absolutely devoted to him.  He felt his heart softening for Ryoto.  He could feel the crimson tides of love sweeping him.

Zero X. Diamond
The wonders of Stockholm syndrome.


 At last he had found the one for him.  After this was over, he thought he may muster the courage to ask her out.

Zero X. Diamond
Awww, he wants to go on a date with his rapist.

Spoony Spoonicus
Touching.  If you're Hannibal Lecter.


 But all this romanticism soon turned to grave seriousness as a few more familiar faces appeared.

Zero X. Diamond
Megaton Bomber?  Master Kramberto?  Slambulous Maximus?  WHICH LOVABLE FACES FROM OUR PAST ARE SET TO APPEAR NEXT??

Clobberpuppy
Stomp Chunkman!

Spoony Spoonicus
Buff Hardback!
Mayor Mike Haggar
Blast Thickneck!

Clobberpuppy
Punch Rockgroin!

Bad Box Art Mega Man
Hack Blowfist!


Bloodbane Jack and Nightghast leapt down from the catwalk.  Zachariah clapped his hands loudly.

Zero X. Diamond
Who?


 "Well done, little girl.  I'm impressed.  Defending 'your' Zero so valiantly."  Ryoto growled.  "What did you call me, punk?"  Bloodbane laughed.  It was his turn to do an evil monologue.

Zero X. Diamond
Oh noooooooo!!

Spoony Spoonicus
And twirl his mustache menacingly.


"He called you a girl, but I hardly think that's suitable.  Wild animal is more like it.  Nothing but a stray animal on the loose."

Ryoto smirked evilly.  "You don't know the half of it.  Do you want to see what I mean?"  "Go ahead, it's not as if it will help your friends.  It's already too late to sa- WHAT?!?"  By this time, Zero had released everyone from the walls and helped them to recover.  "You were saying?"  Little Wyshu piped up.

"ARGH!  Bloodbane, get the Megaton Cannon.  If they're still alive when you haul that thing back, disintigrate them.  I'm going to show them what a few weeks can do for a technoid."

Zero X. Diamond
Does time pass that much differently on Mars?  Last time I checked, the story started MAYBE a week ago.


 Nightghast said quite smugly.  Immediately Bloodbane Jack did as told, and Nightghast took off his large black coat.  His chest bulged far further than it had on their last encounter.

Zero X. Diamond
Breast implants?


"C'mon, show me what you got!  You kids couldn't defeat me if you used every ounce of strength in those bodies!"  Ness and Poo started building up energy for a team PSI attack, while Jeff started knocking him about with the Godly Wrench.  Paula was still a bit weak and was sitting this round out.

Zero X. Diamond
She's the only one who realizes how useless her and her friends are.

"You pathetic little boy!  Do you honestly think that wrench is going to hurt me?"  Jeff smirked and pointed at the other two.  "No, but that might."  He leapt off just in time to see Nightghast blasted through a wall by a tremendous burst of PSI.  He crawled out and rubbed his chest.

Spoony Spoonicus
"Ease up!  I just paid for those..."


"Hmm, you kids are a bit stronger yourselves!  Impressive, but you just aren't fighting at my level.  Here, let me show you how it's DONE!"

Zero X. Diamond
Alright, and now we're taking lines from Dragonball Z.


Nightghast's eyes turned completely white and energy began building up behind his cold arms.  Jeff looked in wonderment from the side, not sure what to expect.  "WATCH THE BIRDY!"

Shoop da Whoop
I'M A FIRIN' MAH LAZER!

*BWAAAAAAAGH!*
Zero X. Diamond
And attacks, too.


 A beam of energy shot out, tearing the titanium tiles out of the floor, sending them in random directions.  "Oh man, it's coming right for us!" shouted Ness.  He dove to the side, but Poo wasn't so lucky.  He was blasted and sent face first into the ground, then the wall.

Zero X. Diamond
Oh good, back to the wall fetish!

Spoony Spoonicus
How does that even work?


On the other side of the room, Wyshu looked at a computer.  She looked over the console curiously.  An evil grin passed over her face quite suddenly.  "Yes, I think I'll press... this one."  She pressed a red button with a satisfying beep.  Everyone suddenly felt lighter.  Clever Little Wyshu had turned off the gravity!

Zero X. Diamond
Clever girl...


"What's this?  A feeble attempt by your friends to help you?  I don't think it's going to work."  Nightghast stuck his legs out, then ricocheted off the ceiling, trying to slam Ness into the floor.  Now fully recovered, Paula thought quickly and blasted him with PSI Freeze Omega.  He was frozen into a block of ice.

"You think ice can stop me?"  The ice was hastily removed from Nightghast by his brute force.  "THINK AGAIN!"  He began spinning through the zero gravity environment.  "Jeff, throw the wrench at Mr. Ghast as hard as you can, please."  The wrench flew through the air and hit the floating ball of metal and gears.  Surprisingly enough, he flew into a computer with a large crash.



"How in the world did you do that, boy?"  Jeff smiled.  "Magic, I suppose."

Zero X. Diamond
Jeff, the rational, science-minded one, blaming magic.


"Gonna be a smart alec, eh?  Let me teach you a lesson in respect!"  Nightghast flung himself at Jeff, who simply floated out of the way.  Nightghast busted his skull open on a support beam.

Bad Box Art Mega Man
Damn, son!


 And that was about it for him.  "Ok... you're... good... I ad.... mit..."  Sparks flew about everywhere.  "But... I'll... be... back... someday..."

Zero X. Diamond
This is the weirdest remake of Frosty the Snowman ever.


With that, his eyes became more devoid of life than space itself.

For some reason, his final words had a terrible ring to them.

Zero X. Diamond
They weren't very catchy and they didn't even rhyme.


It seemed far too convincing to be a prophecy unfulfilled.

Zero X. Diamond
Yeah, he'll be back.  Back in a big way.  We all laughed, saying he was a big nothing.  That he wasn't going to have any impact on anything.  But look, here he is again.  And we'll see him again.  And again.  His face will be second nature to us.  You just wait.  You just wait and see.

Except for the fact that the story's almost over.

 Zero could only hope he returns on the right side of the fight next time.  Only time will tell.  Only time... will tell.

Bad Box Art Mega Man
All we are is dust in the wind.

Spoony Spoonicus
Every rose has its thorns.  Just like every night has its dawn.

Clobberpuppy
The candle burned out long before the legend ever did.

Tourettes Guy
Pissing out the window and shitting out the window are TWO DIFFERENT THINGS!



At that moment, Bloodbane Jack returned with the Megaton Cannon.  "What's going on here?  Why am I suddenly floating around?  Wait a minute... Nightghast?  NIGHTGHAST?!  AAAAAAAAAAAGH!!!  YOU KILLED HIM!!!!  YOU'RE GOING TO PAYYYY!!!"  Bloodbane Jack fired the weapon, rather unfortunately for him.  See, in zero gravity, a kickback is magnified, due to the lack of friction.  The kickback from the weapon was so great, after 0.5 seconds of firing, Jack had already effectively destroyed himself.

Spoony Spoonicus
Yeah, that's not how that works.


 With that, Little Wyshu reactivated gravity and everyone settled back to the ground safely.

Zero only had one foe to overcome now.

Zero X. Diamond
Himself.

Wait, did I make that joke already?

 And he was going to face him now.

"Sigma?  SIGMA?  SIGMA COME OUT YOU COWARD!!!!"  Zero shouted in the dark room.

Zero X. Diamond
He pulled down the mic from up above.  "SIGMA, IF YOU WANT THIS BELT, YOU'LL HAVE TO TAKE IT FROM ME!!!!"

The Ultimate Warrior
Load the spaceship with the rocket fuel!  Load it with the worm!  Load it with the colors of Hokeamania, because you're going on a trip, Hoke Hogan!  To the land of the black sky and the blood red moon, where the Warrior will run wild on YOU!  GLARARARARARARARG!

He stumbled around, searching for his enemy in total darkness.  Suddenly, a ray of light began to expose itself to some hissing noises and smoke.  Out from the chamber came... Sigma.  His voice echoed through the room sinisterly.

Spoony Spoonicus
"It's me, Zero!  I was Jennifer from Sprint all along!"


"Ah, Zero.  Very nice to meet you again.  I'd shake your hand, but I'm afraid I might infect you!  Hahaha.

Bad Box Art Mega Man
How many times do I have to tell you, 1970s?  You can't get AIDS from physical contact!


Enough chit chat, I believe we have a score to settle, yes?"  His voice was cold and deep, like that of a vampire, every word piercing the air like little unseen daggers.  And with each breath Sigma took, it was as if they'd been thrusted right into the belly of Hell.  Tensions were mounting.  This was going to be the most spectacular battle ever witnessed.

Zero X. Diamond
I highly doubt it.


Panama Jack made the first move.  "NO LONGER WILL YOUR EVIL PLAGUE OUR LAND!!  ... AND YOUR DUMB ROBOTS CHIPPED MY SWOOOOOOOOORD!!"

Zero X. Diamond
Okay, you got me.  This is the first joke in the whole thing that actually made me laugh.


 He charged for Sigma, sword ready to cut.

Spoony Spoonicus
As opposed to... ?


He began to feel a tingling sensation in his back.  And then it happened.  Sigma used an unseen energy source to deliver a crushing blow to Jack's back.  Panama was sent screaming to the ground.  There his body lie, twitching in agony.  He was effectively out of the fight.

"Stop it Sigma!  Don't hurt them, it's me you want."  Zero stepped forward, his Saber Sword drawn and ready.  Sigma laughed a sinister laugh.  "How little you know for one your age...  I don't only want to kill you, I want to kill your friends, the four of them in the back...  they killed Giygas, one of the best.  And when I'm done thrashing you five, I'll move on to kill your other friends, your family, your people, your world.  And when I'm through annihilating your world, I'll move on to another."

Spoony Spoonicus
Yep, find that berserk button.  That always ends well for the villain!


Zero's expression became dark and unforgiving.

Zero X. Diamond
Is he going to go berserk again?  It's basically like his true nature at this point.


There was only anger throughout the room.  Anger and hatred.  Both of which fueled Sigma's lust for destruction.  He let out another sinister laugh and continued, "Face it, you five couldn't defeat me alone.  If your friends were perhaps..."  Seven plexiglass containers burst from the ground and surrounded the others.  "... kept from helping you..."

Mayor Mike Haggar
Plexiglass: Stronger than titanium in this twisted universe.


Now Zero was twitching with rage.  "That's IT Sigma!  You have crossed the line.  Let's go, right NOW!"  A bright streak of blue light passed through the air, sending sparks from Sigma's first body.  "Hmm... impressive." said Sigma, sliding into two pieces.  "But that was only the beginning..."  The lights once again went out, and a bunch of computerized beeps were heard.  Then, the lights returned to the room.

"Another body, built to suit.  The last one was merely to throw you off.  This one's two hundred times more armored.  There's no way you can slice me in half this time."

Zero X. Diamond
... when was the last time?


The lights turned on, and there stood Sigma, now in a much bulkier body.  "I think I'll take on the four children first.  I need a good laugh."

"Fine Sigma, but when they're through fighting, you're gonna take me."

Spoony Spoonicus
Even he's admitting that they're just window dressing for the Zero Diamond Show!


Ness gritted his teeth, readying himself for the toughest fight of his life.  "Ok Sigma, you ready for this?"  The virus merely laughed.  A grin spread across Ness's face.  "Alright then, here I come!  HAAAAAAAAA!!"  Ness slapped on the equipment given to him by Talah Rama, giving Sigma a slight shock.

"Whaaa?  You've got new equipment, I see!  Good lad!  Now you may prove to be a greater physical challenge!"  Sigma's humongous body lurched forwards.  Confound it, this body is dreadfully slow.

Zero X. Diamond
Oh, dash it all!  These whippersnappers are certain to bamboozle me at this speed!

Matt
Was it built on the hardware of a Dreamcast?  Because it it's not, fuck off the edge of my dick!


  I think I'll just stand still for a while and shoot at them.

Zero X. Diamond
The one great strategy of the true masters.


The green flame of the Excalibat slammed into the side of Sigma's head.  "ARGH!  That burns!  But not as much as this will!"  A cannon flipped out from his right shoulder and fired a spread beam at Ness, blasting him to the ground.  "Ow!  I'm out, your turn Paula!"

Spoony Spoonicus
Stolen from the first Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles movie.


Paula put on the gloves she had recieved from Talah and stood in front of Sigma.  "Hey, you big jerk!  I dare you to try to flatten me with that big arm of yours!"  "What?  You dare challenge Sigma?  I accept, little girl, prepare to SPLATTER!"

Zero X. Diamond
More people falling for stupid tricks.


The tremendous steel arm came thundering down from it's resting place.  Gotta time this just right... thought Paula.

It was coming down like death was after it.  There was no stopping it.  Paula took a step back, and the arm crushed the floor in front of her.  She easily ran up Sigma's arm and began slapping him in the head.

Mayor Mike Haggar
Truly the most dignified of epic battles.

For a final move, she backflipped off his shoulder and blasted him with a beam of lightning in the head.  "ARGH!!!!"  Remember the pain is only a simulation, remember you can block it out if you want to...

Mayor Mike Haggar
Wait, that actually WORKED?!

Zero X. Diamond
Why did he even have them build him a body capable of feeling pain?


He did so, very well.  He could no longer feel the pain.

Max Payne
The pills will ease the pain.


Too bad he no longer could tell that Jeff and Poo were about to do a group attack on him from his own two shoulders.  Poo plunged his Atlus Scimitar into Sigma's head and began wiggling it in an attempt to cut wires, while Jeff spent time loosening the bolts holding Sigma together.

Spoony Spoonicus
At this rate, you'll have him beat in about 7 hours!


And that's when Zero attacked.  He threw a fully sized kinetic bomb at Sigma, just as the two heroes jumped off of him.  His body simply fell apart, but sparks from the back of his head caused the wreckage to explode violently.

Zero X. Diamond
A nonsensical death, if ever there was one.

Spoony Spoonicus
And the fanfic mercifully dies here...

Zero X. Diamond
That's it.  That's all she wrote.  You'd think that in the zeal of stupid youth that I'd have seen this monstrosity through to the end, but whatever the reason, it didn't come to fruition.  You can thank me for that later.

However, that doesn't mean I'm not gonna give you a rundown of how this shit was supposed to pan out!

You see, there was going to be a big, stupid battle.  At some point, Zero and Rocky were going to merge again, but Sigma was going to capture them and reduce them to two dimensions, then one dimension, then none.  Somehow, no doubt through some stupid deus ex machina that I've long since forgotten, they'd return as all seemed lost and defeat Sigma, despite his having gone on to take over the body of ZXDoppelganger.  With their base destroyed, it's assumed that Sigma is dead and all the technoids are gone forever, and Zero goes on his date with Ryoto.

Later developments included the return of his archnemesis who was briefly mentioned in this story, who tricks a mysterious young man who apparently swallowed a clock into murdering him in front of his now-wife Ryoto and his daughter Katie, who is then sent on a quest with Rocky to avenge his death by his ghost as he is actually factually dead this time.  In the end, several people they met along the way are dead, the clock-man dies and becomes the new Angel of Death, Rocky is paralyzed, Rachettinello is still wandering around as some sort of horrendous demon, and Katie's still without a father.

Except later on he's not dead anymore?  I fail to recall how exactly that was supposed to work, but there was a story I never got around to working on that involved both Zero and another character we'll be hearing from soon.  The appropriately titled Rogue's Gallery was like that story where the devil voids Peter Parker's marriage, only way dumber.  All of Zero's remaining foes (Rachettinello, Sigma, Majinn, that technoid guy who said he'd be back, probably that desk clerk at the hotel he was raped in) get together and come up with a plan to get another guy with a superpowered girlfriend to go after him, so they'd hopefully kill each other.  It's a story worthy of the ages, if by ages I mean garb-ages.  Yuk yuk.

I look back at these wasted days of my youth, spent writing drivel like this when I could have been doing literally anything else, and I cringe.  Shameless self-insert romance fantasies abounded amidst a world where my representative could punch God in half.  But at the same time, I can't entirely hate myself.  Going back through this crap was a lot of laughs, got me interested in some things I hadn't even thought about in years, and even got me rewriting some ancient concepts of mine into something actually worthwhile.  I've (mostly) learned my lesson, and hey, I like to think I turned out alright in the end.

I just don't know if I'll feel quite as bubbly and effervescent after our next trip down memory lane...