Random quote:

Check out my other site, RPGreats, for honest RPG reviews!


Frozen Part 2

WarriorNacemon flew around the air. "This is freaky," he said.

Zero X. Diamond
What, the unholy union of Digimon and Earthbound?

 "we have to find out what's up..."

Meanwhile, Pictos was descending onto earth and happened to hit WarriorNacemon in the head.

Zero X. Diamond
Yeah, okay.  The boss monster happens to hit a guy directly in the head as it approaches Earth.  Yeah.  Yeah, okay.  Yeah.

"OW! I'll get you for that!" He dove down after Pictos.

(NOTE: I just invented this battle format, it works like a EB battle. Watch.)

Zero X. Diamond
Oh boy!  I wonder what revolutionary new style he's brought to the unwashed masses?



Pictos attacked!

Zero X. Diamond
 Wow, I would never have guessed!  Why, it's almost as if... he's practically copying EarthBound's battle format!

WarriorNacemon used Thunder Sword!
It went through Pictos!
"What the?!"
Pictos fired a jagged curving laser!

Spoony Spoonicus
Because that's how lasers work!

WarriorNacemon couldn't keep up with it!
215 damage to WarriorNacemon!
WarriorNacemon threw a punch!
Pictos shrugged it off!
"What is this?"

Zero X. Diamond
From the looks of it, a fight on the same level as one in Rise of the Technoids.

Pictos sent a wave of energy!
346 damage to WarriorNacemon!
WarriorNacemon used Thunder Shield!
A shield covered WarriorNacemon!
Pictos silenced the thunder!
WarriorNacemon's shield disappeared!
"How did he DO that?!"

Spoony Spoonicus
He draws his powers from the same source as Fanboy's Mary Sue character - he can instantly nullify any advantage you may gain over him...

WarriorNacemon used Shock Storm!

Zubaz in the house!

63 damage to Pictos!
"It barely hurt him! No!"

Zero X. Diamond
Okay, look, we get it; Pictos is super mega awesome strong.

Pictos used Spiral Trap!
738 damage to WarriorNacemon!
WarriorNacemon de-biomerged...
Johnny and Nappamon lost the battle...


Spoony Spoonicus
I never would have guessed.

After dealing with Johnny, Pictos took off, believing him dead. Fortunately, they were still alive...

Zero X. Diamond
Fortunately for who?  Not us, that's for sure.

"He...didn't even...break...a sweat...how?!" Johnny moaned.

Zero X. Diamond
Are we about to see him take off his scouter and break it in his hand?

"Too...strong..." Nappamon passed out, with Johnny following suit.

Generally, people don't like reading 'battle script.' Sorry if I sound like a nit-picker, but it's really annoying.

Zero X. Diamond
Could it be?  A voice of reason among the chorus of stupid?

[Goes off to pick nits.]

Zero X. Diamond
Nope, just as stupid.

(And generally people don't like comment-only posts.)

Zero X. Diamond

Spoony Spoonicus
Author infighting in the middle of a story.  Truly the hallmark of all great fiction.

"Aliens are coming to take over the world again?" Glenn almost looked looked like he knew what he was talking about.

Zero X. Diamond
Almost only counts in horse shoes and hand grenades.

Kyle rolled his eyes. "I knew I should have influenced the government that last time I was at the Pentagon.

Zero X. Diamond
Ah yes, the dork who can't control his chi also has top level security clearance with the government.  It makes perfect sense.

Mayor Mike Haggar
Bullshit plot point that will never be explained counter: 4

That agent was just about to head back to Area 51 to re-contact the aliens and tell them to stay away in a very rude manner...

Zero X. Diamond
Top priority when dealing with a hostile alien force: yell "STAY OUT OF EARTH, NERDS"

I could have stopped him! I could have-"

"Shut up Glenn," said Kyle.

Zero X. Diamond
Thank you.  THANK YOU.

Glenn responded with a slap.  Kyle countered with an eye gouge, which Glenn blocked with the edge of his hand.  "Whoop whoop whoop!" he retorted.

"I think they're serious. Geez, do your calming techniques or whatever."

Glenn nodded and clasped his hands together, reciting a calming chant.

Zero X. Diamond

He suddenly opened his eyes and stared at Brett and Zac. "You just flew here!?"

"And boy are my arms tired!"

Zero X. Diamond
You're studying the manipulation of chi--you fucking levitated in your room before you got involved in this mess--and you're amazed that these DBZ chumps can fly??

"Glenn, people are frozen in place around the world, the sky is red and blue, and people are trying to take over the Earth. Ask them how they do it later!"

Try as they might, Brett and Zac couldn't get a word in until Glenn finally completed his calming techniques. After which, Glenn was much more rational, with a stoic look on his face almost constantly.

"He's usually this calm," said Kyle to Zac and Brett.

Zero X. Diamond
I was about to say he's shaping up to be the least likable character so far, but then I remembered literally every other character and retracted this opinion.

"Yeah, I guess I was still hyped up about using chi energy. A blast of energy flowed through me. I wonder what it was...?"

Zero X. Diamond
The sheer force of my apathy towards all this bullshit.

"Probably the energy of the weapon that froze everything," said Brett.

"Speaking of which," said Zac, "we were just checking for other people who managed to remain unaffected by it. Also... What the?"

Zac was looking up, as was Brett. Kyle and Glenn looked at each other before looking up as well.

"What is it?" asked Kyle.

"It's coming right to us!" said Brett. "Scatter!"

The four jumped back as Pictos landed were they were standing.

Zero X. Diamond
If these guys were the chosen four, EarthBound would have sucked.

 Brett and Zac were in fighting stances. Kyle had Excalabur out and Glenn was putting on a belt with a sheath holding a two-handed sword. He held the sword in his right hand (one-handed) and held a small shield in the other.

Spoony Spoonicus
Two handed swords are generally about 5-6 feet long and worn over the shoulder as a result.  Whoops!

"Who... what are you?" asked Glenn.

Pictos looked at Glenn and attacked. Glenn couldn't follow the attack very well. He gave up and rose his shield. However, that didn't stop Pictos. The shield was knocked away, broken. Glenn slashed with his sword, but it broke on contact with Pictos.

Mayor Mike Haggar
I'm so glad they spent all that time establishing all of the weapons they were carrying just so they could all be destroyed five seconds later!

The distorted being laughed as Glenn stood stunned, his hands empty. Pictos SMAAAASHed Glenn and, satisfied, turned to the others.

Zero X. Diamond
It's probably too early for me to be rooting for the villain, especially one as blah as Pictos, but anyone's better than these losers.


Glenn lay on the ground. "That was... rather severe and unpredictable." He tried the only power he knew he could do well. He drew a rune in the air and let the sigla heal his wounds.

Zero X. Diamond

Brett, Zac, and Kyle all prepared for the onslaught of the new creature. The twins both tried kicking the weird apparition, but flew through him and ended up kicking one another.

Zero X. Diamond
You fucking dimwits.

"What did you do that for?! Zac shouted at Brett.

"Why did YOU kick ME?!" Brett shot back.

"Guys! I think that's what that thing wanted!" Kyle yelled.

Brett and Zac shook off the blows they gave each other.

Spoony Spoonicus
Name something painful you'd rather see than read the rest of this story.

Mayor Mike Haggar
Tommy Lee Jones in a speedo.

"I'll go first," Zac said as he held his right arm out with his palm extended upwards. Holding it level, his hand first stayed motionless before a black orb of energy forced it to bounce down a little, leveling back off. "Shadow Bomb!"

Pictos turned from Kyle and saw the attack. Instead of putting up a defense, Pictos stood there, letting the attack strike him. As the dust cleared, the energy from the attack was swirling around Pictos.

Zero X. Diamond
So Dragonball Z it hurts.

The creature then pulled the energy into himself, increasing his strength and healing any wounds or damage he might have obtained.

Spoony Spoonicus
Undoing all damage done to him any time he wants?  He really is one of Fanboy's pets!

"What the..." Zac stepped back in awe. "Usually, that's one of my stronger moves."

"Let me try," Brett said, holding his right hand behind him. With a flick of his wrist, Brett formed a Spirit Lance.

Zero X. Diamond
But it was no use!  Pictos hit Brett and instantly stripped him down to his boxers!

While Brett was doing this, Pictos was eyeing Kyle, his eyes occasionally shifting from him to his sword and back.

Why does this guy keep looking at Excalabur? Is he thinking about taking it from me?

Spoony Spoonicus
He thinks your legendary sword might be a counterfeit.  He wants to make sure before telling you.

Zero X. Diamond
Nobody wants your stupid novelty sword.

"Hyaa!" Brett shouted, thrusting his staff forward towards Pictos. A small look of fear, for a moment, was on Pictos's face. Fortunately for him, no one saw this look. Pictos quickly dodged the staff and punched Brett's hand, forcing him to drop the staff. Pictos followed with an elbow to the stomach, sending Brett flying into a nearby building. Glenn, just recovered from his wounds, joined back up with Kyle and Zac.

Wait a minute... Brett's staff, and... Zac's attack. It all makes sense. "You! Come here!"

(Hopefully, that little scene puts the pieces together. If you missed my intended lead, reread the post and see if you can try to pick up on it. If you don't get it now, I'll try to make it clearer next time.)

Zero X. Diamond
 I get it.  Pictos... is a really strong bad guy... and these guys... are all idiots?  I think that's what I'm supposed to get from this.

Spoony Spoonicus
He has the powers of the original Green Lantern and is weak against wood?

"Captain! The enemy ship is raising weapons and shields!"

Zero X. Diamond
Good, back to the pointless space drama now!

A crewman called from the bridge. Shine and Boris raced to the end of the hall, where stood the bridge. Boris gripped the situation immediately.

Zero X. Diamond
He was trapped in a crappy EarthBound fanfiction that didn't even feature the main characters.  Funny thing is, it was the worst thing he could possibly imagine.

"Raise shields and charge weapons! Get the scientists ready to fire the test weapon!" Boris called.

Spoony Spoonicus
So many untested weapons being brought to the battlefield.  You know guys, the military-industrial complex has a zillion dollar budget for a reason.

Some people looked annoyed by the order,

Zero X. Diamond
 Hey, how the fuck can you guys see me in there??

but the majority of the crew were excited about this "test weapon." "Launch all fighters! Get Shroud to lead them!"

Zero X. Diamond
Yes, the Shroud of Turin!  Lead us to victory!!

At the mention of the name Shroud, Shine had a curious look in her eye. Could it be him?

Zero X. Diamond
Somebody with a name as stupid and pretentious as mine?

 Before she had a chance to ask about him, Boris turned onto Shine. "Well, if you could navigate through the asteroid belt of Terra, then I guess you must be very good, eh?"

"The best there is, and you can bet your life on it!" She said, determinedly.

Zero X. Diamond
 Yes, I can definitely see why she irritates everyone she meets.

"Then you can lead a squadron of 6 fighters, same model as yours.

Zero X. Diamond
Are we even in the same story anymore?

Spoony Spoonicus
Doesn't even need to check credentials, he just takes her word for it.  I can't foresee this going terribly wrong!

 They're the best we have. Lead them well." Boris patted her back, and she left. Along the hallway to her docking bay, 6 people joined her, all dressed up in the pilot suits.

Zero X. Diamond
They were all walking in slow motion to an Aerosmith song.

She smiled at them.

"You may be the best on this ship until a few minutes ago.

Zero X. Diamond
Yes, this is the way to win the loyalty of strangers: immediately tell them you're better than them.

Sergeant Hartman
You may think you are hot shit in a champagne glass, but you are cold diarrhea in a Dixie cup!  You prissy girly-boy faggots will learn by the book how to fly like real men, and I will teach you!  Do you understand that?!

From now on you're under my command, and I trust you all can understand all my commands and carry them out. Nothing to do here but die!"

Zero X. Diamond
 We can only hope.
Spoony Spoonicus
Well that's reassuring.  I'm glad we have this bubbly airhead as our squadron leader!

She jumped into her own fighter and took off. Shine and her team acknowledged the coordinates of the ship, and Shine led them to a nearby asteroid field. "Get into the rocks, and turn off all passive systems and programs. Heat signature low. When some fighters pass, ambush them!"

Mayor Mike Haggar
We've gone from Earthbound to Dragonball to Wing Commander all in the span of a page.

"How do you know that they'll pass through here, ma'am?" One person asked.

Zero X. Diamond
The Plot Device told me!

"Trust me. I didn't get this far without knowing a few strategy tricks. And plus, I built this ship myself with some little extra chips in it...

Zero X. Diamond
She's like a terrible anime Han Solo!

so don't think your model is the same as mine."

Mayor Mike Haggar
"Built it out of cardboard, model glue and Atari parts, I did!"

Her computer radar suddenly showed some incoming fighters. "Ready... ready..."

The fighters passed them, and the seven 'special' squadron dropped in behind them.

Zero X. Diamond
They were all flying short fighters and wearing bicycle helmets.

... I'm sorry.  I couldn't help it.

However, they recognized them as their own. One of the other squadron was nearly shot down. "What is your squadron doing, Shine? It's dangerous here."

Shine was surprised that the face that showed up on her onboard computer. "Shroud?... my brother?"

"Oh shoot, I'm going to die now..." Shine singled out Shroud from the score of ships and chased after it, shooting lasers and plasma bombs.

Zero X. Diamond
Way to greet your brother, Shine.
Spoony Spoonicus
Shrine and Shroud Forever.  If your parents are that pretentious, then you know murder is in your future someday...

"Shine, listen! Stop shooting me!"

All of a sudden, the two cleared the asteroid field and faced about 5 scores of enemy fighters, all with their weapons locked on to the signatures of the two. The rest of the squadrons caught up, and faces the incredible sight.

Spoony Spoonicus
The enemy fighters all fired their locked-on missiles and reduced the two to more pieces than pi has digits.

All of a sudden, the whole windshield lit up with missles and incoming lasers. They weren't fast, but were threatening nonetheless.

Mayor Mike Haggar
Plagiarized from Macross.

"Well, let's get this party started..." Shine and Shroud said over the intercom at once, and flew into action.

Zero X. Diamond
I'm really REALLY confused now.  Are Shine and Shroud enemies?  And, more importantly, what the fuck is ANY OF THIS???

Meanwhile, at his house in threed, Greatest Mog On Earth was very frustrated with his TV set.

Zero X. Diamond

Spoony Spoonicus
And I thoguht Shine and Shroud Forever had the most pretentious names this side of "Fayt Leingod".  I stand corrected.

"Arrgh! The stupid buttons won't even push!" He said to nobody in particular.

Zero X. Diamond
So the supercomputer at Nerdku and Lamegeta's place works perfectly, but this chucklefuck's TV is frozen solid.

He punched it, but that just hurt his hand.

Spoony Spoonicus
From epic space battles to broken appliances.  Truly this is a masterpiece of drama and suspense.

After looking at it again, he decided that there was something...unnatural about the way it had broken.

Zero X. Diamond
A moogle AND the world's greatest detective!!

"Something is definitely wrong...everything just...stopped..." Indeed something was wrong, but he had no way of knowing that, as he couldn't see the sky, for all of his blinds were pulled down.

He walked into the kitchen to try the refrigerator, and that was also stuck. He tried to find help, but the front and back doors wouldn't budge.

Zero X. Diamond
The weapon only affects organic life... and also this asshole's house, apparently.

"Great," he thought savagely, "trapped in my own house! How many people have been trapped in their own houses before! And there's no way out that I know of...unless..."

A few minutes later he was climbing out of his chimney, covered from pom-pom to tail with soot.

Zero X. Diamond
Oh boy, I think we've found our WACKY COMIC RELIEF CHARACTER!!!!!

"I never thought I'd have to do that, escaping my own home like it was a prison. But I wonder what-"

He had stopped thinking and started staring. He had spotted the sky. It was-

"Swarming with red. Just swarming with red. this...this...this can't be normal.

Zero X. Diamond
This guy's a genius.

Spoony Spoonicus
Just what this story needed - another character retreading more already established plot points!

I'd best have a look around town, then, see if I can come up with a logical conclusion for this. Maybe I'm asleep. Maybe I'm Daydreaming. Maybe I'm hallucinating. Maybe I'm dwelling on this too much."

Zero X. Diamond
 I hate you so, so much.

He slowly floated down from the roof and took very slow steps into the street, not because the time freezing was beginning to get to him, but simply because he was scared. Actually, scared is an understatement. He was absolutely mortified.

Then, as he was examining a dog using a fire hydrant, he sensed energy fluctuations to the west.

Spoony Spoonicus
Does everyone in this universe just have energy-sensing powers, or what?

Mayor Mike Haggar
Bullshit plot point that will never be explained counter: 5

"Maybe, just maybe, those fluctuations are the source of this mess. But they're all the way on the other side of town." He thought, in a very unconvinced way. He sighed and started taking small, heavy, steps, and still feeling completely mortified.


[mog just so you know plants and inanimate objects are unnafected, only animal life is frozen]

Spoony Spoonicus
"This is the narrator.  You're doing it wrong."

The swarms of small fighters were off, and the ships under Boris' command were winning hands down, he was takeing

George Takei
Oh myyyyyyy.

losses however, some of the newer piolets

Zero X. Diamond
Roses are red,
Piolets are blue,
Grammar's apparently
Real hard to do.

couldn't dodge the capitol ship's fire. Boris's well trained crew went into fighter manuvers with their own battle crusier, within seconds the enemies capitol ship was no longer capable of weapons fire, and its sheilds were showing a bit of degrade. Fight or flight kicked in and the other ship jumped to warp again

"This is Boris to all crews, disengage and return to the ship, we need to make the warp jump after them ASAP"

Elsewhere however

Zero X. Diamond
It was at this moment that the author suffered a stroke and forgot what he was writing.

The orriginal team who had landed when the ship came under attack was scouting this test in motion. They didn't know their commander had released picto, in fact they assumed their only job was to scout for any flaws in the test, and they had indeed picked up flaws in the test.

Spoony Spoonicus
Repeating the same phrase twice in one sentence is bad writing, thought Spoony, and indeed the author had repeated the same phrase twice in one sentence.

Life signs were in motion far to the northeast from their landing. They would investigate, and determine what caused the flaws. Their job was not to eliminate, but study, which made them more dangerous in the long run.

The clipboard is mightier than the planet-devastating superweapon!

They reached the edge of the town where the life signs were, and set up a spying post on a hilltop. What they saw made them ready to flee in terror, but they stayed and watched, if sombody could defeat picto, they would be the strongest and smartest,

Zero X. Diamond
Hahahaha, yeah right.  It'll be these four idiots and probably their goofy idiot sidekick.

perfect for useing to determine what the errors in the weapon were.

(sorry--i can't get it. I'll just join the fight.)

"Star Tornado!" Nappamon yelled, having just arrived with Johnny, sending a cyclone of stars at Pictos.

Zero X. Diamond
Oh, look, they're here too.  Now I don't know who to hate the most.

As Pictos turned to see the source of the attack, Kyle swiped with Excalibur.

Pictos actually took some decent damage from that and turned, angry. Meanwhile, Johnny whipped out his Digivice.


Biomerge activate!
Nappamon, Biomerge to!

"We may not be have beaten you before, but we weren't focused!" Nappamon's voice yelled. "We'll fight with brains now!"

Zero X. Diamond
Where are you going to find any of those among this group?

"That's right! Sorry bout the abrupt entrance, but are you guys gonna help? All of us together might be able to stop him!" Johnny's half called.

Spoony Spoonicus
The implication being, I think, that Johnny is gay.

"Wha? Uh...sure, I guess!" Brett called. "C'mon guys, what've we got to lose?"

Darn...i had it...it's gone! Dang! Kyle thought, concerning Pictos's weakness.

Zero X. Diamond
Shoot!  Fiddlesticks!  Oh fibbety gibbet!!

It was not long before Matt, another resident of Threed, realized something was terribly wrong.

Zero X. Diamond
What complete void of interest does this fresh young face bring to the table?

It took him a bit longer then most, since it was the weekend and he had slept in.

As he awoke, he looked at his alarm clock.

"12:32pm?" gurgled Matt.

Zero X. Diamond
Is his throat full of blood or something?

"Why'd I have to get up so early?" He groaned as he pulled himself away from the comfort of his bed. Rubbing the sleep from his eyes, he decided to open the blinds to let some light in.

"What the?!"

A bird floated near his window, motionless but still airborn. Matt stared at it in awe. How could that be? He peered down his street to see more of the same. Everyone was frozen in place.

Mayor Mike Haggar
Do you get it yet?  Everything is - wait for it - FROZEN!

Matt dressed quickly and ventured outdoors. He was obviously really freaked out by what was happening. It was like something taken from a 1960s sci-fi movie.

Zero X. Diamond
 So all the frozen things are held up with clearly visible fishing line, which ends up being a good thing because it distracts you from the boom in the corner of the shot?

He noticed something walking in the distance. It was too small to be a person, but nevertheless it was moving! At top speed he approached the creature.

Matt slowed to a stop and the two met. Rather confused by each other, the two stared at each other blankly.

Spoony Spoonicus
The Good, the bad and the Ugly played quietly in the background.

"Whoah, what a weird little thing" thought Matt. "It looks like a hybrid between a cat and a teddy-bear. Wonder if it talks..."

Zero X. Diamond
Like an idiot, yes.

"Whoah, what a weirdo" thought GMOE. "Who carries around a sword in the suburbs?

Zero X. Diamond
According to this fanfic, literally fucking everybody.

And what's with that haircut? Looks like he just got out of bed..."

"Why don't you take a picture; it lasts longer" remarked GMOE,

Zero X. Diamond
Ohhhhhh!  You just got SERVED!!!

who was fed up with the whole staring contest.

"Oh...sorry." said Matt apologetically. "Um, who and what are you and how come you're not frozen like everything else?"

"I'm the Greatest Mog on Earth." replied GMOE.

Zero X. Diamond
I highly dispute this claim.

"And I'm not sure why I can move. Maybe cause I'm pretty strong or that I'm a Mog..."

Matt nodded weakly. He was admittedly creeped out by this creature but it seemed friendly enough.

"Alright...anyway...considering the fact that we might be the only ones who are not frozen I think we should help each other out."

GMOE agreed.

GMOE, four capital letters printed in gold!

...Wait, that doesn't rhyme.

"Sounds good, er..."


"...Matt. But we might not be the only ones. I sense some power fluctuations to the west. That's where I was heading."

"Um..okay. Lets go then..." stuttered Matt.

(You'd be freaked out too if you saw mog on the street)

Zero X. Diamond
I'd be freaked out if I saw some dimwitted kid in his pajamas wandering around in the middle of the burbs with a sword , too.

Mayor Mike Haggar
As a general rule, I'm not really afraid of anything I can push over with one toe.  What's his problem?


Spoony Spoonicus
I agree.

"Boy. what a nice sleep we had!" said Dave.

"Yeah," said Canemon, "but something doesn't feel right!"

"Well, duh!" said Dave. "Didn't you notice that we're in a space station? My space station that I bought?"

Zero X. Diamond
For fuck's sake.

"Of course I noticed that!" said Canemon. "You told me that we were taking a vacation on a space station!

Zero X. Diamond
A space station that you bought.  Because apparently you had 12 trillion dollars just burning a hole in your pocket.

Spoony Spoonicus
Is that why all those big corporations are hoarding so much money?  So they can buy private space station domiciles for their higher-ups, looming over us all with some kind of doomsday weapon?

....Actually, that would make a lot of sense.

But what's with that red light surrounding our home? And the planet? It's eerie!"

"We best investigate," said Dave.

Zero X. Diamond
As he saw him trying to leave, Dave shouted, "Bernard, don't be a tuna-head!"