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1/29/2014

Rise of the Technoids, Part 4

Zero climbed onto his Sakugarne and bounced it about half the height of the cavern. "Beat that!" he grinned as he set the Sakugarne to bounce it's maximum height.

Zero X. Diamond
Oh, you sneaky guy!!

Sabbre climbed on and snickered, "I can bounce this thing higher then that any day! Mwahahaha! Just watch me!" He jumped it up, then when he landed to get the real bounce, he bounced straight up at an alarming speed and was knocked unconcious and he short-circuited.

Zero X. Diamond
Ten feet.  It was clearly stated to max out at ten feet.  Apparently not a very high roof in this cavern.


Sparking, he lied on the ground. "You will never... *kkzk* truly defeat.... *spark* me... *whirrrr* I will haunt you... *clicka beep* until the day you... *fizzle pop!* die..." with that he exploded into a heap of parts, all of which dissapated.

Mayor Mike Haggar
Worst.  Villain.  Ever.

Zero X. Diamond
How can a robot haunt you?  I thought haunting implied ghost, which in turn implied a soul, which in turn implied an organic creature.

Spoony Spoonicus
For that matter, how can a robot be knocked unconscious? Or talk while in that state?


Zero moved ahead and opened the door. All the citizens were jammed in a stasis chamber, which Zero quickly slashed open. The Sakugarne bounced the happy townspeople out of the caves,

Zero X. Diamond
Imagine this scene with a loud, cartoony "POING" sound every time it bounces.


after they had all reunited with one another. Suddenly, a ringing came from under his helmet, which he removed to reveal his Pocket Communicator.

Zero X. Diamond
His Pocket Communicator, which he stores underneath his helmet.  As opposed to, say, in his pocket.


 He answered it with a warm, "Greetings, this is Zero Diamond, can I help you?"

Spoony Spoonicus
"Hello, this is Jennifer calling on behalf of Sprint.  Would you like to switch your long distance carrier?"


It was Dr. Genesis on the line. "Zero, I invented a new robot to bring you new power-ups I make you. He is very simple, he's my garbage can with legs,

Zero X. Diamond
Eddie?


 arms, and a helicopter blade on his head he uses to fly.

Zero X. Diamond
Oh, no.  TOTALLY DIFFERENT.

Mega Man
I've seen plenty of stupid recolors of Sonic the Hedgehog, but never one of Eddie...

Spoony Spoonicus
Protip, kids: Sega's already got the market cornered on stupid recolor characters.  Every single secondary Sonic character looks and acts exactly the same aside from changing their color palette and adding some rabbit ears or something so they can call them a "separate species".

He is coming to deliver you some new equipment, which I will have every time you beat a boss from now on. His name is SpinSpun, because of the blade."

Zero X. Diamond
Why not ArmHave or LegWalk or TrashRobot?  There are so many other factors you could have worked with!

 SpinSpun lowered slowly through the hold and then waddled over to Zero. His blades went down and his head tipped open.

"Zero, with the first item, the Spin Helicopter Adapter, a helicopter blade will pop out of your back, like one of Wily's old creations, Gyroman, but you merge with SpinSpun."

Zero X. Diamond
He's already got a giant phoenix he can ride on AND merge with to get flaming wings to come out of his back.  So yeah, this is EXACTLY what he needed!

* Zero Diamond got the Spin Helicopter Adapter!
"The next adapter is the Spin Blade Adapter, where you merge with SpinSpun and instead of your ZXD-Buster, you have a spinning blade on the end of it instead, which can be fired and it returns like a boomerang."

Zero X. Diamond
"It's also handy if you've got guests coming over but can't find your salad shooter!"


* Zero Diamond got the Spin Blade Adapter!
"Now there's the fact I built you a new pet wolf named Fang.

Zero X. Diamond
He made him out of a bunch of spare wolf parts he had in his basement freezer.


There's two adapters for him. The first is the Fang Cycle Adapter. When it's used, Fang teleports in and transforms into a Jet Bike, only this Jet Bike can fly and it has two arms that will pop up off the sides with razor-sharp claws on them on command."

Spoony Spoonicus
Remember when we soapboxed on Fanboy's awful character wiki about giving characters so many pointless and/or redundant powers that it starts to become utterly stupid?  We're edging back into that territory here...
Zero X. Diamond
This brings the count on flight power-ups to four now.  Oh, but this one's different because it has the stupid claw arms on it that the shitty Wolverine Cycle toy I had as a kid had!


* Zero Diamond recieved the Fang Cycle Adapter!
"The next adapter for him is the Fang Claw Adapter. When this one is used, Fang teleports in and merges with you.

Zero X. Diamond
This is uncomfortably close to creating a fursona here.

Claws will then pop out of your hands, like another Wily creation, Slashman. It can be charged, but when fired on anything lower then 5, you will keep the charge until you go up and slash the enemy. Each level adds 50 damage and a normal slash does 200. When on 5, you fire one of your arms off,

Zero X. Diamond
Oh God, it severs your arm??


not your human arm, just the armor luckily,

Zero X. Diamond
PHEW!!  For a minute there, I thought this was absurdly stupid!


it slashes the enemy, and returns. On level 6, it allows you to fire off both arms, and they have the same effect. On 7, you fire both arms then dash up to the enemy and deliver a powerful slash. On 8, you do all that for 7 followed by a powerful slashing uppercut."
* Zero Diamond got the Fang Claw Adapter!
"Finally, I developed the ZXD-Shield.

Mega Man
Let's see.  So far we're stealing from Zero, Mega Man 2 on Game Boy, Mega Man 5, Mega Man 8, and now Protoman's design in general...

Zero X. Diamond
You know, in case that utterly indestructible armor I just gave you fifteen minutes ago isn't enough for you.


 Using Dr. Light's blueprints for Protoman's shield, then improving it using Dr. Cossak's improvement blueprints, then finally adding some of our own present day technology.

Zero X. Diamond
Yeah, sure, whatever.  What I want to know is how many trainfuls of elephants did you test it with?

If the shield is somehow shattered or chipped, an energy field the same thickness, strength and shape as the piece or pieces missing emits from the indestructable saphire in the center. The shield also can be hurled at the enemy and it returns like a boomerang.

Mega Man
Add Captain America to the list too.


It does about 50 HP of damage, so it's not really the best choice of weaponry.

Spoony Spoonicus
That's a thing I hate in fan fiction: Bringing up arbitrary game concepts like "Hit Points" and "Levels" and "Powers only being able to target enemies or allies" in other media.  You don't write entire chapters about characters camping by save points and fighting the same respawning enemies over and over again to grind out levels and learn that awesome new spell from out of nowhere, now do you?

The shield is specially magnetized to stick on your back when you're not using it.

Zero X. Diamond
Sticking things to robots with magnetism: always a good idea.

Clobberpuppy
Does it make him wig out and start singing country songs?


Now as for the amount of damage it blocks...

Zero X. Diamond
No, please!  No more technobabble bullshit!  It's not like I'll remember any of this anyways!


it can completely stop deadly or near-deadly blows, but only if it's equipped fast enough. Any hits that do damage of 150 HP or below are deflected back at the attacker. 151 to 700 HP of damage get 20 to 55 HP absorbed out of the blow, depending on what amount of damage is. Anything higher can only have 10-30 HP of damage absorbed out of them unless they are fatal blows, which are completely absorbed."

Zero X. Diamond
Well hey, at least this means there's no reason for Zero Diamond to get fatally wounded by anything again.  Right?


* Zero Diamond got the ZXD-Shield! Zero Diamond stuck it to his back, thanked Dr. Genesis, and dismissed SpinSpun.

Spoony Spoonicus
He was this story's equivalent to the Cloak of Darkness: Useless and completely unnecessary.

* Zero Diamond and friends moved on to Fourside, recieving praise from all the citizens they met along their way... but the Doko Doko Desert was not without it's own Technoid dangers...

Zero X. Diamond
Ah yes, back from the era where I made all sorts of weirdo mistakes about EarthBound.  See also: giving Pokey's last name as Mikefinch.

"Hey, do you guys hear something?" Panama Jack said, looking around.

"Yeah, I do... I thought it was just me."

Zero X. Diamond
There's no indication who said this, so I'm gonna pretend Panama Jack is talking to a sock puppet on his left hand.

Suddenly a humanoid technoid lunged out of a shrub, nearly missing Bomberboy.

Mayor Mike Haggar
A shrub.  In the desert.

Mega Man
Would you prefer it was a trash can that you could punch a delicious, fully cooked turkey out of?


* Panama Jack attacks with his sword! 50 HP of damage done to the technoid!
* The technoid blasts Panama Jack! 100 HP of damage done to Panama Jack!
* Bomberboy uses Water Ball 2! The techoid freaked out! 200 HP of damage done to the technoid!

Mega Man
At this point they should just turn every battle into a Super Soaker war.  It'd be far more dignified, I'm sure.

But the battle quickly ended as a herd of buffalo trampled the Technoid

Zero X. Diamond
I love all these random interjections where some enemy just gets killed instantly because the guy who's posting didn't want to deal with it.


 thus causing it to no longer be animated.

Bad Box Art Mega Man
If you're feeling dead, I'll be your reanimator!

Zero X. Diamond
The Technoid Horde includes living, breathing cartoon characters.

It was very fortunate they had trampled it, for the battle was only a distraction for our heroes so two other technoids could have time to crush our heroes with a humongous boulder. Upon being spotted, the technoids hurled the boulders and the heroes fled for their lives, but fell into a convenient hole in the ground.

Zero X. Diamond
The plot holes have become so large they're manifesting directly in the story now!

Spoony Spoonicus
Saved by a terrible Final Fantasy cliche!

The boulder rolled over top of it and became stuck. From deep within the caverns, there was heard much simianlike chatter and the voice of an old man.  They immediately went to investigate.

Old Man
It's dangerous to go alone! Take this.

After a while, they finally got to the farthest back area, where Talah Rama and his monkeys were having some sort of meeting.

Bad Box Art Mega Man
"Listen!  Our sales are in the toilet!  People are getting tired of cookie cutter military-porn first person shooters!  We have to INNOVATE, damn it!"
One monkey threw a piece of his own poo that stuck to the wall.
"That's it!  You're a genius, Spanky!"
And thus Bulletstorm was born.

"Kya keki? (Master Rama, how can you be positive they'll be here soon?)" piped up one monkey. Another chattered, "Kikei kyah koo kah?!? (Has Master Rama ever been wrong before?!?)" Then Talah shouted, "SILENCE! ALL OF YOU!

Spoony Spoonicus
I know Talah Rama wasn't the most well defined of characters, but somehow the zen master vibe he gave off during the brief scene you spoke to him just doesn't match what's happening here...


They are among us right now. Come on out. I won't bite." The group slowly stepped out from the enteryway.

"Ah yes, I knew fate would bring you here. Ness, Paula, Jeff, Poo, good to see you again. And it's a pleasure to meet you, Tonberry, Kid Lavos, Panama Jack, BomberBoy, Rocky and Zero Diamond. Yes, I do know your names already, and no, we have never met before.

Messsenger of Justice
So how is that possible?  Mind reading, or creepy stalking?

I have for you, much information on the technoids,

Zero X. Diamond
Noooooooo


 though even I do not know the location of the Technoid HQ. I also bring you gifts, for each and every one of you.

Zero X. Diamond
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
Clobberpuppy
More redundant and unnecessary scenes than "The Room"!

Mayor Mike Haggar
I wish we were watching "The Room" right now.  At least then I could laugh at the ineptitude and the terrible dialog...


The technoids are here because their master found that Giygas had been destroyed by Ness and his friends. They came to avenge their leader's best of the alien beings he had sent to destroy this dimension. Zero took down many of the technoids, but their enraged leader wouldn't stand for it. He made new technoids, much more powerful than his last batch, some especially made to destroy Ness and his friends, some especially to kill Zero here. But technoids are not the only thing that are in the Technoid Horde. There are also many mutants and aliens in it, most even more powerful than their robotic cohorts.

Zero X. Diamond
THIS HAS ALL BEEN ESTABLISHED ALREADY!!  WE'VE ESTABLISHED THE HELL OUT OF THIS!!!

The technoids are not very effected by Ness and his friends weapons, such as Ness's Hall of Fame bat. That is why I have been reading up on the history of this cave.

Zero X. Diamond
Because the authors are too busy masturbating over how great their characters are to give the real heroes of this world a chance to shine?


 Many thousands of years ago, in the Dark Ages, the ancients

Zero X. Diamond
You misread "authors".


 created many items with magic capabilities far beyond your wildest dreams. They were to be used in the far future by "a group of adventurers; the four chosen ones, a Warrior of the Winds, a Tonberry who has a companion named Kid Lavos,

Zero X. Diamond
Once again, I knew nothing about them, so the usual "show, don't tell" of ancient prophecy goes RIGHT OUT THE WINDOW!


 a maker and user of many things that split apart and make massive fires, a modern age magi and the eternal Super Star."

Zero X. Diamond
None of these seem to have described Sean.  Guess he's an unintended member of their party??

Spoony Spoonicus
Or it could be like Suikoden, where if a character doesn't show up on the big stone tablet in your castle then you know they're going to betray you or die at some point...

I have discovered them to be you. Another discovery is that high up in this room, there is a strange symbol carved into the wall. This is the enterance to the Mysterious Cavern, which can only be opened by a team effort from the group. Go now and climb the wall. Use your most powerful physical attacks on the wall, and it will easily collapse."

Mayor Mike Haggar
So do they have to climb it or destroy it?  Make up your mind!


So the group began scaling towards the roof of the cave. Stepping from ledge to ledge, they came closer and closer to the symbol. Finally they reached it and burst out attacking it with their strongest physical attacks, and the wall crumbled away. They journeyed in, and saw many crystals with objects inside them. But before they could reach them, a horrifying cackle came from the shadows. Then it stepped out in front of them. It was a humanoid in a blue karate gi, but he had red skin and grey hair. He had huge muscles and daggerlike claws.

Zero X. Diamond
Fuck me, it's a Dragonball Z character.


He said nothing, and then rushed at them.

* Zupochtli attacked!

Zero X. Diamond
Zoo-pock-tlee.  This name comes from the ancient Madeuppian root words "zupoch," which meant "stupid boss" and "tliiko," meaning "plot device."


* Zupochtli summoned Lost Souls from the Earth and they hit our heroes, exploding! 1082 HP of damage done to everyone!
* Zero Diamond used PK Beam r! Some ancient charm on Zupochtli deflected the attack! 12555 HP of mortal damage done to Zero Diamond!

Zero X. Diamond
GOD DAMN IT


... but Zero Diamond whipped out the ZXD-Shield quickly and averted the blow.

Zero X. Diamond
Oh, right.  I forgot he could pull the shield out AFTER the damage had already been done to block it.

Clobberpuppy
"I'm using savestates to counter your every move and you can't do nuttin!  Nyah nyah!"


* Rocky transformed the Multi-Weapon into a Scimitar! Rocky slashed at Zupochtli! 1 HP of damage done to Zupochtli! Zupochtli regained 1 HP.
* Tonberry used the Chef's Knife attack! 1 HP of damage done to Zupochtli! Zupochtli regained 1 HP.
* Kid Lavos is on guard.
* Panama Jack used Wind Jitsu, then slashed at Zupochtli many times with his katana! 1 HP of damage done to Zupochtli! Zupochtli regained 1 HP.

Spoony Spoonicus
Go for the instant death spells!  It's your only chance!


* Ness is on guard.
* Paula is on guard.
* Jeff is on guard.
* Poo is on guard.
* Zupochtli used Death to All Intruders! Everyone got hurt and collapsed... but Ness, Paula, Jeff, Poo and Zero Diamond were shielded by Zero's ZXD-Shield. The extreme force of the attack finally caused Zero Diamond to give and fly into a wall, falling unconcious.

Zero X. Diamond
Holy shit, there's nobody left but the chosen four.  For the first time, it's up to them to do something important in this story.

Clobberpuppy
I was going to make a Lassie joke here but then I realized it said "wall", not "well".


* Ness and Jeff began thinking...
* Ness: "How are we going to ever defeat him? Every time he is hit, it only does 1 HP of damage, which he instantly recovers!"
* Jeff: "Talah said these were specially for us, so maybe we should try to communicate this to the beastman."
* Ness, Paula, Jeff and Poo all held hands... and began speaking to the beastman. A strange blue orah

Zero X. Diamond
There have been a few typos so far, but none quite so magnificent as this.

Star Platinum
ORA ORA ORA ORA ORA ORA ORA!


enveloped Ness and his friends and their words became etheral and mystic sounding noises.
* Zupochtli suddenly became less agressive and stepped aside! Zupochtli returned to stone, to hibernate in peace for hundreds or thousands more years.

Zero X. Diamond
For the next time Talah Rama sent a bunch of dumbasses into his lair to retrieve a bunch of cheap trinkets.


* Ness, Paula, Jeff and Poo learned the Quad PK Technique "Mystical Communication!"

Zero X. Diamond
You know, for the next time that they encounter some ancient mythical being that was created solely to test their worthiness.


Everyone who was unconcious began dreaming. "Zero, Zero wake up! We have lots of work to do today!"

Zero X. Diamond
"I just got in a shipment of elephants and I want to pack them into train cars and run shit over.  For science!"


Zero Diamond heard, remembering his days where he was with the good doctor constantly and rose from the floor. "Master Formello, don't you think you should go outside and play, instead of reading all these silly PK Encyclopedias all day?

Zero X. Diamond
Yes, psychic phenomenon is apparently so well documented that there are entire multi-volume encyclopedias on the subject.


No? Er, why yes Master Formello, that is all." Rocky heard himself inside his head, reminding him of how kind his guardian, Robert Dutraion had been to him, and rose from the floor.

Spoony Spoonicus
Another page from the book of Squaresoft: "One throwaway scene is all the character development you need!  Then they just fall in line and wordlessly punch monsters for the rest of the game."


Everyone else had similar dreams of those who were kind to them when they were in need and they too rose, feeling stronger than ever.

Mayor Mike Haggar
Because when you get the crap kicked out of you by some immortal being, that just gets you pumped for the rest of the trials you're going to face!


"What a fight that was... the guy wasn't even hurt by my rapid slashing!" Panama Jack said. But Rocky looked over, remembering why they came and piped up, "Look! The crystal cases are opening!" And indeed they were, but not only that, but Talah Rama suddenly appeared in front of them. "You are truly the ones these were meant for. The great and powerful Zupochtli backed down after learning who you were. It was because of your thinking that it was so. But now, you must choose the weapons. Take the ones your heart leads you to.

Clobberpuppy
Ooo is it like the test at the beginning of Kingdom Hearts where you pick from one of the three weapons but you don't want to pick the shield because then your attack power sucks and you don't want the wand because magic by and large is sucky and useless?
Zero X. Diamond
Oh great, it's Zero's stupid upgrade dump all over again, except this time it's for EVERY FUCKING CHARACTER.


 Once you take the one you know is yours, I will explain each of their special powers."

Ness went first, and he walked amongst them, gazing at each of them, then walked over to what he knew in his heart was truly his. "Ah... you have chosen correctly my son. Behold your items, the objects forged to help you in the time of great need. The weapon of your group is the Excalibat.

Zero X. Diamond
From Rise of the Triad??


It is longer and a bit thicker than your Hall of Fame bat and has a green magical flame around it,

Zero X. Diamond
Why yes, it IS from Rise of the Triad.


 making it only possible for you to hold it. It of course has the properties of fire, so if you're fighting a technoid with a weakness to fire, it does double the damage it would normally do. The hat you see, is the Dream Hat,

Zero X. Diamond
Which is either your ideal hat or a hat that only exists in your imagination.  You pick.

created with a magic combination of the usual compoenents of a baseball cap laced with Dreamstone.

Spoony Spoonicus
Well, Lavos' spawn is here and is apparently a good guy for some reason, so why not.  Throw another Chrono Trigger plot point in.


It protects you from thunder and confusing attacks, which will prove itself quite useful.

Zero X. Diamond
I doubt this.  I have a feeling all four of the main guys are gonna go back to playing second fiddle to the cavalcade of totally badass self-insert fantasy characters.


Paula, you go up now."

Ness equipped his newly gained weapons and Paula began walking, searching for what her heart told her was hers. She soon stumbled onto it. "Ah, Paula, it appears you too have found what is truly yours. The weapons in here are the Enchantress Gloves.

Zero X. Diamond
Ah, yes.  As we all remember, Paula is actually Princess Peach, and this is Super Mario RPG.

Mayor Mike Haggar
"Wait, sorry, that's for the heroine of the next game in the series.  Can I interest you in a Teflon Frying Pan?"

Clobberpuppy
Your enemies' displaced brain matter won't stick to it!


These silk gloves are, like all the objects here, enchanted,

Zero X. Diamond
The Enchantress Gloves are enchanted??  You must be kidding!


and have the ability to inflict thunder damage, and possibly confuse the enemy.

Zero X. Diamond
Oh, Ness' hat WILL be quite useful.  If he gets too fresh with her and Paula slaps him, he won't get electrocuted and forget why he did it.


Also, you can use a Sheet Lightning attack with them on that uses 65 PP that does a nicely amount of damage to the enemy.

Mayor Mike Haggar
This line guest-written by Babelfish.

The amulet here is the Shielding Amulet, which when you pray can be activated, causing a shield to envelop you and anyone holding your hand or the hand of someone holding your hand. It is quite powerful and completely stops damage from ice or diamondizing attacks.

Spoony Spoonicus
Creating a human chain to protect everyone in the group from damage.  I've never seen it as a viable strategy, but I guess it could work...


Jeff, you are next."

Paula equipped her equipment and Jeff now looked for what his heart truly knew what was his. He quickly found his stuff. "Jeff, yes, Jeff... your items were not only created by the Magi of the Dark Ages, but also a highly advanced race of aliens are believed to have helped, making them very technological.

Zero X. Diamond
Talah Rama has been watching too much of that Ancient Aliens show.


The weapon you see before you is the Godly Wrench.

Zero X. Diamond
Remember how Jeff was the guy who used guns?  Heh, no, that's stupid.  Give him a big fucking wrench instead.
Clobberpuppy
Only 101 of them were ever crafted.  Thirteen were destroyed in the name of charity, a fourteenth was destroyed for unknown reasons, and a fifteenth was lost when its player was VAC banned...


It is a wrench that when equipped, makes otherworldly knowledge flow through you. It is mainly used like a sword, but it can also be used to turn large bolts or other things.

Zero X. Diamond
This isn't one of those wrenches you use to fix things, you use it to slash and stab things.  Except, you know, I guess you can still do wrench stuff with it.  I guess.

It has the power of the man-made element, technology, and can make any range of effects happen to technoids, seeing as they're robotic. The other item is a Super Scope,

Zero X. Diamond
Which connects directly to your Super Nintendo.
Spoony Spoonicus
"Sweet!" said Jeff as he took the next couple hours off to play some Metal Combat: Falcon's Revenge.


 which attatches to your glasses. This allows you to see every single attribute of an enemy; not one thing is left out in the information it displays to you.

Zero X. Diamond
Now we can find out every Technoid's turn ons and turn offs, favorite foods, boxers or briefs preference...


Poo, you're next."

Jeff equipped his new weapons (a blue orah suddenly burst out around him and his eyes glowed yellow, signifying this things true power of knowledge)

Zero X. Diamond
As well as his ascension to SSJ2.


 and Poo went to retrieve his items. Poo also came to his items relatively quick. "Ah yes, Poo! The weapon here is the Altus Scimitar. It is an ancient blade whose origin is still unknown, but is said to have been created by Zupochtli himself. It has the power of concentration and PSI flowing through it, causing it to be deadly accurate, and unable to miss. The other item is the Mega Karate Gi,

Zero X. Diamond
Which country's Mega Man box art featured this?

 which protects you completely against fire attacks. Tonberry and Kid Lavos, you are both next."

Poo equipped his stuff, and the T-KL team also found their stuff. "Tonberry, you get the weapon. It is the Hammer of Thor.

Zero X. Diamond
Which goes well with the whole needles, fire, and knives theme he's had so far.


 It increases your strength by 50 points and when you strike the ground with it, shockwaves are sent in every direction. It of course is the power of thunder. For Kid Lavos, the Frozen Flame. When he eats it, he becomes stronger and learns Chaos Zone.

Zero X. Diamond
...what?

Spoony Spoonicus
Then later on in life you merge with Magus' sister and become an omnipotent being capable of destroying all of time and space forever.  That is, unless some French dork finds the magical plot Macguffin and then casts seven spells in the right order, resulting in your utter destruction!

...Chrono Cross was a really stupid game, the more I think about it.

 I grow weary of all this talk, so I will throw you your items and give a briefer explaination.

Zero X. Diamond
Take the ones your heart leads you to, until I get bored of this mystical mumbo jumbo and just start chucking them to you.


 Panama Jack, this Runic Katana is twice as strong as your old one and has the powers of mysticness.

Zero X. Diamond
Mystical mystic powers which are very mystical in their mysticism.

This Wind Amplifier makes your wind attacks 2 times stronger. BomberBoy, this Hourglass of Time is for you. It is a timebomb type magical bomb that is reusable and never runs out. You also get this Nitro Box that boosts your speed. Zero, take these Magical Inventing Parts fashioned from materials such as Dreamstone and Lodestone. Also take this Earring of Friendship.

Zero X. Diamond
I don't think I like where this is going.


Rocky, you get this Tome of Power, which makes your Multi-Weapon change into a weapon it could never change into before, the Flux Staff. Also, take this Earring of Loyalty.

Spoony Spoonicus
What, are they getting married or something?  Is that what this is leading to?
Zero X. Diamond
Please, no.  Not this.  Anything but this.


 Zero and Rocky, just hold hands and focus energy on your earrings, and you merge into one super powerful being, Zerocky Diamello.

Zero X. Diamond
Because they're not strong enough on their own.  No, they have to steal a gimmick from DBZ and give themselves a really stupid name in the process.

 As a side effect of being merged, you don't become Super Star or Hyper, you become a Hyper Star, a combination of the two. Now merge! Double your power to destroy the boulder sealing you inside of my home

Zero X. Diamond
Zero can't just shoot it with one of his fifty million weapons?

 and destroy the desert Technoid Horde General, Slitherazaki, the mutated humanoid lizardman.

Spoony Spoonicus
Now we're cribbing from Exile: Escape from the Pit!


There are many new dangers ahead, so be prepared!"

And with that Talah Rama teleported back to his monkeys. Zero and Rocky joined hands. They concentrated all their energy to the earrings they now had on their ears and a ring of fire surrounded them.

Zero X. Diamond
Are they merging or attempting to summon Johnny Cash?


They began spinning around and around, until they were moving so fast they just appeared to be a streak of light. Then they slowed down, the flames died, and a new creature emerged from the mists. He had thick white armor over his chest, wrists, shoulders, and lower legs. But inbetween these, there could be seen the expertly tailored clothes of Rocky. The hair was like Rocky's, but a ponytail hung down the back. The hair was a brownish-blonde and the eyes were turquoise. Two scabbards and a shield were on his back, a cape hanging down underneath them, and the mark on his forehead was a star with an H intertwining through it. Then a voice spoke, which frightened everyone; a combination of both of their voices was what emerged from Zerocky's mouth. "Greetings, my name is Zerocky Diamello, and I am a combination of the two whom you call Zero Diamond and Rocky Formello."

Clobberpuppy
I liked this idea better in the original Breath of Fire.  Name me one other game where you can merge three people into a giant ox-man named Doof who has the power to move bookshelves!

Then the two's minds gained control again. "Wow, I feel much more powerful!" Rocky piped up, "Yes, I too feel more powerful!" The group was in a state of awe. Soon they came back to their senses and ventured to where the boulder was. "'Tis a mere pebble to me!" said Zerocky as he raised his arm. The boulder lifted without even being physically touched, then Zerocky lifted his other arm and made two slapping motions. On the first motion the rock split in two, on the second, it was reduced to dust. They climbed out of the hole and began their search for the technoidial threat, when suddenly...

Bomberboy was amazed. He was medelling with bombs when suddenly, one of them exploded in his face. A half scorpion, half human creature by the name of Scorpion emerged from the smoke.

Zero X. Diamond
He built a bomb which exploded and created a new form a life?

Spoony Spoonicus
As long as it isn't The Rock's face pasted onto some blurry CGI abomination, I'm fine with this.
Clobberpuppy
Grab his own stinger and try to sting him with it!


 It let off a steady stream of garbling, "Guru grrrrrrackie yyyy ooooo!" (Hello! I am Scorpion. I am here to help you, Bomberboy.) Bomberboy was silent. Finally, he managed to say, "Wow, hello. Hey Jack! Tonberry, Kid Lavos, get over here!"

The group walked over to see what was amiss. Jack looked at Bomberboy, clearly displeased. "Geez, what did you do Bomberboy?" "I was trying to invent a bomb when it exploded and this guy came out. Neat, huh?" Scorpion chimed up, "Carrrrrrrrrrr accccccckkyyyyyyy oooooo!" (Hi there! I'm Scorpion!)

Spoony Spoonicus
Soon you'll meet my many many palette swaps named Sub-Zero, Reptile, Noob Saibot, Ermac, Rain and Chameleon!


Tonberry looked at the creature with much confusion. "I can't understand a word he's saying." "Didn't you hear him? He just said, 'Hi there! I'm Scorpion!'" "No, he didn't. And neither did I. All I heard was a bunch of garbage." Panama Jack said with much annoyance. Kid Lavos suggested, "Cccr a ccckkyyyy graaaaaaaaaaaack." "He said, 'Maybe it works like Tonberry and I, where only he can understand him." "Alright, I guess that makes sense. Let's get going."

Mayor Mike Haggar
This completely pointless scene brought to you by the letter C.


They walked through the desert for a long time, seeing nothing but sand and cacti. Everyone was getting tired and thirsty. Suddenly, a figure in a hood and cloak came out of nowhere. The group was about to attack, but Zerocky raised an arm as a cease and desist order. He walked up to the figure, curiously looked and said, "Who are you stranger, and what're you doing around here?

Zero X. Diamond
Once more, our heroes barge into some place and demand what somebody who was there first is doing there.


 Don't you know how dangerous the desert is?"

"Oh, oh my boy, I'm capable enough. I can survive out here, no matter what happens.

Mayor Mike Haggar
"Okay.  Now that that's over, can I interest you in a secondhand revolver? Or if you have any spare jewels or gemstones, I'll buy 'em at a high price!"


 Say, you look like a strong character, would you like to become infinitely powerful?

Zero X. Diamond
"No thanks, already am."


It's simple and painless. All you do is chant the words on this paper and wait! Satisfaction..." he paused and grinned then finished with, "guaranteed."

Zero X. Diamond
Nope, nothing sinister about this.  Nothing at all.

Clobberpuppy
"I am Sofa King We Todd Ed"


Zero, don't do it! I smell a rat here! Actually, more like a LIZARD!! Rocky shouted inside of Zerocky's head, but even though Rocky warned him, a strange reaction happened. "Sure, what've I got to lose?" he said.

Spoony Spoonicus
You're currently the best hope of a world under seige by aliens that presumably threaten the entire universe so... a lot!


 He would soon regret the fact that he did.

Upon chanting the words, he felt an icy cold rush through his body. Suddenly, a pink ooze leaked from the pores of the Earth directly under Zerocky Diamello.

Zero X. Diamond
It's the slime from Ghostbusters 2!  Quick, everyone think happy thoughts!!


It rushed up and encased Zero's body, then began changing color to peach. Who... who are you? thought Rocky. I am your worst nightmare! He no longer needs you and your pathetic powers! thought a strange and unfamiliar voice.

Spoony Spoonicus
That nobody heard since you have to say things to get your point across.


 With that, the creature kicked Rocky so hard he came straight out the side of Zerocky, reverting him to Zero Diamond.

Zero X. Diamond
Um, ouch?