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1/24/2014

Rise of the Technoids, Part 1 (An Aberration Arboretum presentation)

We've got another awful story from the inglorious days of a friend's past and he wants us to riff it. But first, a preamble from the man himself.

Zero X. Diamond
Let me give you a little bit of backstory here: I am an only child.  I grew up in the middle of nowhere, situated squarely between two corn fields and with only about three houses on the other side of the street, all of which were populated by old people.  Cursed with ADHD and depression and having never really spent too much time with other kids when I was young, I had a hard time making friends.  Looking back, it was the perfect recipe for the worst kind of disaster: internet disaster.

I was on the internet before I should have been.  My eyes were opened to all sorts of strange and exotic ideas; dangerous ideas.  Sure, I may have spent a few of my preteen years thinking that girls peeing themselves was supposed to be erotic, or that having an online girlfriend was a great idea that would lead to tons of hot, sweaty sex, but these awful ideas were nothing to the one I regret most of all: "Fan fiction is a great idea!"

Fun fact: fan fiction is a TERRIBLE idea.

I had always been one to write about video games, movies, books and the like.  Anything that I enjoyed, I'd write stories about.  When I was younger, in my days before the internet, it was harmless enough.  But once I got online, I had the chance to share my work with the entire world.  The entire world would know of my grand 12 year old genius!  Maybe then I'd make some friends!  Funny enough, I made maybe one friend out of that deal, and wasted years of my life pumping my creative efforts into awful derivative crap.

So about the actual "story" here (and I use the term story lightly): Rise of the Technoids was my first real effort in starting my own Interactive Fiction.  For the uninitiated, that's where a bunch of people collaborate on a forum to write the narrative of a story.  And yes, it's exactly as terrible as that sounds.  I was probably eleven or twelve when I started this, and frankly it shows, both in the parts that I wrote and the parts that others contributed.  Everything from Mary Sue author character oneupsmanship that makes the main characters of the universe the story is set in obsolete to stupid, made-up locations and plotlines that are totally out of character for the setting to incredibly lonely (read this as "horny") self-insert harem anime fantasies literally starring the entire female cast of Tenchi Muyo! with their names slightly changed.  Yes, really.

It's awful, it's embarrassing, and we're going to mock the hell out of it.  Maybe in doing so I'll finally be able to put this ghost from my past to rest forever.

We'll see.
Spoony Spoonicus
Time to assemble the usual suspects and introduce them in grand epic fashion!
Mayor Mike Haggar
Mayor of Metro City who has never given a single fuck about danger and he's not about to start, Mike Haggar!
Mega Man
Cynical disenfranchised Capcom baby, Mega Man!
Bad Box Art Mega Man
Obsoleted but not forgotten robot(?) hero whose boundless optimism both annoys and inspires us, Bad Box Art Mega Man!
Messsenger of Justice
Obscure Treasure star from the twilight days of CD-based console gaming, The Messenger of Justice!
Clobberpuppy
Original character of mine who will star in a game one day if my lazy unmotivated ass can ever be bothered to work on it, Clobberpuppy!
Spoony Spoonicus
And I'm your host for this extended tour of dumb and all around cynical bastard, Spoony "spoonshiro" Spoonicus.  It's been far too long since we've had a turn here in the Arboretum and I'm eager to get back to it, so let's dive right in!

Ok, the story begins on an early fall day.

Spoony Spoonicus
Okay.
Clobberpuppy
An unnamed date in a nonspecific place in the early days of autumn.  We're really narrowing it down!

Our hero, Ness, enters the warm sunshine and takes in the fresh air. "Aah... such a beautiful day in Onett...

Mayor Mike Haggar
Until the mayor pulled down the Disasters menu and unleashed a tornado on the unsuspecting populace.

it's so nice, I think I'll go down to see all my friends. I heard they're having a picnic together in Burglin Park." So, Ness grabbed his trusty bat, in case of any emergency,

Mega Man
You never know where Strike Man may be waiting to throw deadly baseballs at you.
Zero X. Diamond
"This woman is having a heart attack!"
"Don't worry, I HAVE A BASEBALL BAT!!"

 and began to stroll on down to Twoson.

Later...

Bad Box Art Mega Man
You have to have something happen first before something else can happen later, you know!

Ness was finally to Burglin Park, where he started searching for his friends. Then, he found them and rushed over to greet them.

Zero X. Diamond
Ness arrived at a location, where he began to do a thing. Then, he did that thing until he had finished doing it.

"Hey! Paula! Jeff! Poo! Good to see you guys! Mind if I join you?" Ness asked. They all nodded happily and greeted Ness. Then they got to talking. Suddenly, without warning, dark clouds rolled in and covered the sun. Thunder began to roll like the roar of a humungous tiger,

Zero X. Diamond
The furry version of that guy from Mad Max 2?

and lightning flashed all around them. Something terribly wrong was happening... then, a sort of funnel shaped vortex appeared in the center of the clouds and many evil looking figures, ranging from tall as a house to small as a pebble.

Mayor Mike Haggar
Damn you, Mayor Wright!
Zero X. Diamond
If they were small as pebbles, how did anyone see them? Do they all have super mutant sight or something?

Then one landed right in front of them. "Hahahahahaha. The others and I have been dying to meet you Ness. Our master will be very pleased when I bring your hide back to him."

Zero X. Diamond
They call him Master Hand.

The figure stood towering over our heroes, by probably 4 feet, and his cold, demonic voice had an evil echo to it. Every time he spoke, it send cold shivers up our foursome's spines. He had a black cape on and a full black outfit. He carried a rifle of some alien sort so large, all four of our heroes combined couldn't carry it. He had dark red hair that covered the other half of his face. And his eyes... ugh... the eyes... they were cold as ice cold steel...

Zero X. Diamond
The bad guy was really big and intimidating, and his bad guy voice was really bad sounding. Every time he spoke, it reminded everyone he was a bad guy. He was wearing all black and he looked really cool and scary and also bad. He was holding a huge super cool gun that was so big that nobody else around could even think about holding it. He had anime hair that made him look mysterious and bad. And his eyes... ugh... bleck... BARF... his eyes were as bad as a bad guy's eyes.

and then, without warning, he lunged at the small group of heroes!

* Nightghast lunged into battle!
* Nightghast drew his inhumanly large rifle from his back!
* Ness lunged forwards at Nightghast with his bat ready! Ness's attack was deflected!
* Paula hit Nightghast as hard as she could with her frying pan! Nightghast merely laughed!
* Jeff started a continuous wrench banging attack on Nightghast! Jeff's attack was easily brushed aside!
* Poo swung his sword as hard as he could at Nightghast's hands! Poo's sword got chipped!
* Nightghast set his rifle to enclose and opened fire on Ness and his cohorts! Ness and his friends are surrounded by an eerie forcefield and they cannot move!

Spoony Spoonicus
Since the author readily admits that this is a dumb story that has virtually nothing to do with Earthbound, I'll just assume that he allegedly based it on Earthbound so he wouldn't have to put any effort into writing the fight scenes.

* Nightghast laughs coldly and exclaims "Now noone can stop me!!!!"
* Suddenly, a plasma shot flies over Ness's gang and hits Nightghast in the head! Nightghast is sent reeling and his secret is revealed!
* Jeff: "Oh my dear lord!! He's a... a... a robot!!!

Zero X. Diamond
Wait, really? Are you sure?

Either that or a bionically enhanced human being!!!"

Zero X. Diamond
Oh, okay, thanks for clearing that up.

* Nightghast: "Aaaaaaaaaargh!! Who did that??"
* Mysterious Voice: "Your worst nightmare..."

Zero X. Diamond
The author's ridiculously overpowered self-insert from a different game franchise!

* Another shot flies over their heads and knocks Nightghast straight on his face! Nightghast is in critical condition!
* Nightghast, half-dead, loses power over the forcefield container and Ness and friends are released! Nightghast screams "I WILL BE BACK!!! AND HEAR THIS!!! WHOEVER DID THIS TO ME WILL PAY!!!" and teleports off.

Bad Box Art Mega Man
Every argument on the internet in a nutshell. The second someone counters any point you make, just call them names and run away so you never have to admit you're wrong!

Now that the immediate danger was over, Ness and the others got off their knees and brushed themselves off. "We would've been toast if those shots hadn't came out of nowhere. I also have a strange feeling that wasn't the only threat that lies ahead..." Jeff deduced.

Spoony Spoonicus
That's how you establish a smart character, right? Have them state the blatantly obvious all the time?

Then the mysterious voice called from the trees above them, "Hey, are you all ok down there? If I remember you guys as well as I think I do, you probably are."

Zero X. Diamond
You guys are so lucky I couldn't find the interactive fiction this is referring to. So. Fucking. Lucky.

Then, the tree began to rustle and shake as though someone was about to jump down. Jeff realized this and quickly told everyone to get back from the tree. Then, they watched in awe as their rescuer slid down the trunk of the tree.

Bad Box Art Mega Man
Heathcliff, Heathcliff, no one should
terrify the neighborhood!
But Heathcliff just won't be outdone
playing pranks on everyone!

He stood 5 foot 9 inches tall, wore shiny white armor, had long blonde hair and a white helmet with a red crystal on the front. One of his arms had no hand on it, but instead, a hole. Then a hand raised out of this hole, and it was a relieving sight.

Clobberpuppy
"If you think that's scary, check out my next trick: The removable foot!"

He had a scabbard on his back, holding a powerful sword within it's containing walls of steel. A holster with a strange gun handle emerging from it hung from his side. It didn't look like any other gun handle Jeff, or any of them in fact, had ever seen.

Spoony Spoonicus
It was bright orange and had "NES ZAPPER" written on the side.

He had broad shoulder plates on, each a little larger then the size of a dinner plate. And then his face... a smile appeared between his cheeks, under it, small traces of blood. He must've recently been in a hand-to-hand combat situation.
Bad Box Art Mega Man
He was an unwelcome guest in Heathcliff's tree! We just established that!
His eyes were a nice shade of blue, and between his eyes, but a little further up on his head, was a scar. And this scar, was no ordinary scar. It was shaped like a star, the mark of a great warrior, the Super Star.

Zero X. Diamond
Did I have autism at some point, or was I just a dripping fangirl writing an erotic fanfic about this guy? Why does any of this fucking matter if I'm not jerking off???
Spoony Spoonicus
It was a common mistake for the time, and still a crutch for hack authors everywhere.  If a character wears a bright red or black suit covered in belts, chains and zippers and sports a kickin' facial scar, that they're COOL, even if they have absolutely no personality to back it up!  Thanks a bazillion for that one, anime...

"Well, have you checked me out long enough people, or should I save my more important matters for later?" the figure said jokingly, but with a hint of nervousness in his voice.

Mega Man
"Sorry, you're more decorated than a Final Fantasy character. We still haven't finished reading that huge dump of text describing your physical appearance that's supposed to stand in for your personality."

"If you don't remember me from our brief adventures from long ago, I am the ultimate in fighting technology, combined with one of the most courageous and moral hearts, and a master of weapons. I am the one true Super Star from now until doomsday... I am Zero Diamond, fighter of all things unjust and evil."

Zero X. Diamond
I'm also very modest. In fact, I'm the most modest! Nobody is more modest than me!!

He paused shortly, and then turned around. "We remember you, not that good, but we remember you. Now what is this 'important matter' you speak of?" ZXD began his gravely important story.

Zero X. Diamond
It was titled "Nothing Like EarthBound At All."

"Well, Nightghast back there was a bionically enhanced human, capable of remarkable feats. He was only one out of millions of bionically enhanced humanoids, robots, mutants, aliens and posessed animals bent on destroying this world, but especially your group and I myself. This army is called the Technoid Horde, who's top gun, even I don't know. He stays in darkness in his secret lab day and night, never leaving for anything. Once he learned that you had destroyed one of his mutated aliens, Giygas, the one assigned to this world,

Zero X. Diamond
Yes, of course. Giygas, the embodiment of all evil, was just a pawn for some chump who pushes robots around all day.

he became enraged and sent billions of his army searching through all the dimensions of this planet earth searching for you.

Zero X. Diamond
The ones he sent to the first and second dimensions were crushed to death pretty quickly.

When I stood in their way along with my other teammates and destroyed the troops until they were reduced to only millions, he then built even more powerful creations and sent them after me. And then, they finally made it here... the only way I could follow them undetected was to cling on to the top of their transport so they wouldn't see me on their radar screens. But I was finally detected and knocked into a seperate wormhole. Stuck in a strange dimension,

Zero X. Diamond
Known as Marysuvius.

I learned several new techniques from the native peoples there. One of which was how to freely travel through dimensions.

Zero X. Diamond
So if you ever need to get on the other side of a locked door, I can travel to the first dimension and you can just shove me through the keyhole!

I gave them a warm welcome for their hospitality and came here. I only arrived 2 days before they came... and now, for your safety, I must accompany you on your quest to eliminate the Technoid Horde."

Spoony Spoonicus
Throw another bad anime trope on the fire - sum up the entire story in 13 seconds so we can get to more endless, droning fight scenes between the blandest characters in existence!
Clobberpuppy
Then the budget runs out halfway through the fourth episode so the rest of the series looks like a slideshow with crappy shakycam effects to simulate movement!

Ness and the gang went deep in thought... Should we let him join us?... Is he really the Zero we know? He's really literate lately!

Zero X. Diamond
See, this is a joke. It's still funny, but not for the reason I thought it was.

... How do we know what kind of stuff these Technoids can throw at us?... Finally, they reach the decision to let ZXD join... and then they head off towards a place ZXD suggests... Twoson Department Store where about 2 dozen Technoid Horde creatures and humanoids were seen warping in to...

Tonberry was hanging out in his Tower on Eagleland Isle. "Sigh... It's gotten boring around here...

Link
Gee, it sure is boring around here!

maybe I should've gone on that cruise..."

Kid Lavos was down by the water,

Mayor Mike Haggar
Watching his mother erupt out of the ground and destroy the planet in a flurry of laser blasts.
Zero X. Diamond
Trying not to get his shitty Lavos cosplay costume too wet, knowing his mother would be very upset if it got ruined.

chasing some crabs, when suddenly, a Huge Serpent Burst out of the Water! He knocked over Kid Lavos, and charged toward Tonberry!

"Yaaagh!"

But this snake was no ordinary snake. It was one with the Technoid Horde! Barreling towards Tonberry, it suddenly opened its mouth, and at the same time, it's right eye rotated into the back of its head, both revealing cannons!

Zero X. Diamond
I'm not understanding the mechanics of this. How big does its head have to be to fit multiple laser cannons inside along with the complex machinery required to allow it to move while still maintaining the appearance of a snake?

* The Techniconda

Zero X. Diamond
I smell a Syfy original movie!

leapt into battle!
* The Techniconda generated a huge blast of acid from it's mouth cannon and shot it at Tonberry! 999 HP of damage done to Tonberry!
* Tonberry grabbed the nearest object, a large mirror, and used it as a shield!

Mega Man
Pulled it right out of his ass. Where the hell else would he get a mirror on the beach?

* The Techniconda generated a huge nuclear laser blast and shot it at Tonberry! The mirror deflected the attack back at the Techniconda! 923887 HP of mortal damage done to the Techniconda! The Techniconda was totally scrapped!

Spoony Spoonicus
Even the no-names are breaking the damage cap over their knee.

Tonberry suddenly realized in horror that the acid was beginning to wear away at his skin. Terrified, Ton jumped into the water and rolled around as fast as he could, trying to get the deadly chemical off his skin. Ton almost could see his life passing before his eyes, but then it all stopped. The acid had been washed away. But Tonberry was badly burned. Nearly his whole body was a 3rd Degree burn. He staggered up to his tower, and fell at his doorstep. Kid Lavos looked up when he heard the thud, then horrified by the sight of a nearly dead Tonberry, rushed him to his Instant Reviving Chamber. Luckily, Kid Lavos had got him there just in time to save him.

Mayor Mike Haggar
Gripping, edge-of-your-seat drama I might care about if I were an 11 year old who still gave a shit about mediocre dreck like Final Fantasy.

Now Ton could only suspect the worst in store for the mainland... so he and Kid Lavos hopped aboard a guppy and rode it to the mainland,

Zero X. Diamond
And if it weren't for the actions of the fearless crew, the Guppy would be lost.

where they came upon our heroes, heading to the Twoson Department Store. "Hey, wait up! Can we help?" Tonberry piped up. Zero turned to face him. "Oh my god! Is that you Zero Diamond???"

Zero X. Diamond
Can I have your autograph??

Also, pretty amazing, but this was one of the other posters, not me.  Somebody else actually CHOSE to make it sound like they idolized my character.

"Yep. I'll ask my friends if you can join us." Ness and his friends, recalling how powerful Nightghast was, allowed Ton to join, saying "We can use all the help we can get."

Meanwhile, on an mountain just a couple miles away from Eagleland, PanamaJack was training.

Ryuta Kawashima
Brain Age: Train your brain in minutes a day!
Zero X. Diamond
He hoped with enough practice to become the world's premiere supplier of suntan lotion.

"Must get stronger!",thought Jack as he sliced at imaginary foes with his katana.

Zero X. Diamond
"Taste my hanzo steel," he said, swinging at nothing. 
"Jack, honey," called his mother. "It's time for lunch!"
 "NOT NOW MOM I'M BUSY"

Suddenly, a large shadow was cast upon the mountaintop. Jack quickly looked up to see a giant bird-like creature up in the sky.

"What the heck..?",thought Jack as he drew his katana.

The bird dove at Jack at top speed, talons first. Jack just managed to dive away, but the creature turned around and prepared to dive again.

"Windwalk!!!",yelled Jack as he jumped up into the air and flew over the next dive.

Jack turned around and charged at the bird, katana first. He quickly used the wind to gain momentum and slashed at the thing's wing. However, the katana harmlessly skipped off the feathers and Jack swun around because of the momentum.

"That can't be a bird",thought Jack,"Its made out of metal!!"

Zero X. Diamond
Great metal bird come from sky, bring white man and sorrow.

By the time Jack realized this, however, it was too late. The bird was upon him. It pecked at his stomach, sending him in a dive towards the ground. He crashed onto the mountaintop at top speed, almost cracking the rock surface.

Zero X. Diamond
Almost certainly snapping his spine in half like a twig and pulverizing his major organs into a maroon-colored slurry.

For a couple seconds, Jack just lay there. He was in too much pain to move. Then, with a enormous amount of will power, Jack rose to his feet and turned toward the metal-bird.

Spoony Spoonicus
This is supposed to establish that our latest hero with no personality is a badass. You'd never guess otherwise!

"You'll pay for that."

Jack held his katana out in front of him, and chanted. THe blade began to shimmer with a bright white light.

Clobberpuppy
Hugawug sug fug hugawug sug fug hugawug sug fug!

"This should cut through that metal plating of yours.",Jack said to the bird, which was now circling above him."Prepare to die."

"Wind Jitsu!",shouted Jack as he flew towards the mech-bird at a blinding speed.

Zero X. Diamond
Were there Naruto fans in 2001?
Mayor Mike Haggar
Naruto wasn't even an anime yet in 2001, so only the most desperate of weebs importing bootleg manga from China were reading it at the time.

He quickly drew his katana and began slicing viciously. His sword connected several times, taking chunks out of the creatures body. The bird tried to retaliate, but Jack was moving too fast. After about 20 seconds, the bird was too wounded to fly and spiraled into the ground.

Jack slowed down and seathed his katana.

"I'd better go to mainland and tell them about this",thought Jack,"This metal bird thing was heading towards Twoson before it attacked me"

With that, Jack turned toward Twoson and took off. When he reached his destination,

Spoony Spoonicus
Two seconds later, judging from the lack of paragraph break.

he noticed a large group of odd-looking people in front of the department store.

"Who are you people and what is your business in Twoson?",yelled Jack as he drew his katana.

Mayor Mike Haggar
Is that a thing people do?  Barge into a nearby city completely unannounced and then demand to know other peoples' business there?

"Excuse me, but actually, I plan on asking you the same question." Zero Diamond said, fingering the handle of his saber sword. "I am Jack, I just had a fight with a powerful bird covered in metal... THE SAME WAY YOU'RE COVERED IN METAL!!! YAAAAAAAAAAAARGH!!!!"

Zero X. Diamond
I'm a stupid paranoid lunatic who lives on an island and I can't tell the difference between an aggressive combatant and a guy just walking down the street!!!
Ryuta Kawashima
Your Brain Age is: 98 years and afflicted with severe senile dementia!

Jack had made a terrible miscalculation. He thought Zero was one of the Technoids and lunged at him with his katana. ZXD's reflexes had become dramatically faster since he had went off training however, and he drew and swung his saber sword before he recieved what would've been a nearly fatal blow. This slash knocked the katana right out of Jack's hand. The same hand the katana was in, Zero grabbed Jack by. "Now look here my good man, the bird you fought was in no way related to myself or the others. We would be happy to let you join us if you'd realize, that the bird you fought was one of the WEAKEST Technoids out there. There's safety in numbers, so I advise you to join us."

Zero X. Diamond
Yeah, definitely me writing this again. "Zero Diamond did something super awesome but he wasn't even trying. He grabbed the stranger by the hand and made it seethingly clear that the newcomer was a stupid jerk who was also not nearly as strong or cool as him."

Jack was still in shock from how fast Zero had moved. It was inhuman how fast he pulled it out! And that slash was so powerful, the katana was stuck in a brick wall about a kilometer away.

Zero X. Diamond
That's over half a mile away for those of you playing along at home.

Jack finally came out of his shock and agreed to join the group.

Mega Man
I love how everyone just takes everything said at face value and never bothers to question it in any way.
Spoony Spoonicus
This coming from the guy who keeps falling for Wily's speeches about being a "changed man" and "only wanting to help with some crisis he clearly had no part in"?
Mega Man
It's called the Second Law of Robotics.  Look it up.

Jack was still uneasy about Zero's super speedy reflexes, and inhuman strength, but he decided that maybe with this guy on his side, he'd have a better chance of living long as he would've wanted to. Now, having finally gotten orderly again, they approached the door. Ness went to open the door. It wouldn't budge, even when he resorted to whacking his bat against it.  Paula helped, but still, nothing, so Jeff joined in. He even used the Broken Key Machine on the lock, but it didn't open.

Spoony Spoonicus
Who even carries that thing around after Jeff's introduction in Threed? I always just dumped it on Escargo Express and then forgot about it...

 Poo refused to do any further damage to his trusted sword however, so Jack rammed the door, tried to slash through it, everything he had combined with the other three was useless.

Bad Box Art Mega Man
Ah, completely pointless dilemmas that add nothing to the story. Where would we be without you?

Even when Ton joined in there was no result whatsoever. Then everyone stepped aside as Zero came charging at the door with his Saber Sword,

Spoony Spoonicus
Named by the committee that runs the Department of Redundancy Department.

speed increasing with each step he took. When he hit the door in combination with slashing it, the door cracked to the point where it was almost splintered. Then an all out barrage from the others caused the doors to finally cave in.

Zero X. Diamond
Now that's what I'm talking about. We're only a few posts in and already the heroes of the story are totally obsoleted by the super awesome author character.

I mean, really, imagine it: you're playing EarthBound, but you get to a door that won't open and nobody in your party can do anything about it.  Then some random guy shows up and declares that he's the strongest, smartest, handsomest man in the universe and proceeds to smash the door open in one hit like it's nothing.
Mayor Mike Haggar
Wait, it took five people and one superhuman cyborg to knock down one door? Is this a department store or a fortified bunker?

"I should've known the Technoids would heavily guard their strongholds. That was one of their strongest doors. Their strongest however, can withstand anything. All that can open it is a correct password, or its other variation, with a master key.

Zero X. Diamond
WARNING: IMPORTANT SOUNDING PLOT POINT THAT NEVER COMES INTO PLAY

But this must wait till later. We must push onward!"

Mega Man
"The plot can wait. We have another stupid, pointless fight scene to make our way to!"

More bad RPG logic.

And with that, the group stepped inside of the Twoson Department Store, once a safe shopping haven, now a dangerous Technoid stronghold. The lights were all off inside, and it was extremely dark. Unaware of the danger it would put them in, Ton turned on the lights. Suddenly, not only did the lights go on, but the Technoids realized the presence of our heroes.

Spoony Spoonicus
Flipping a light switch turns on the lights? I never would have guessed!

Almost instantly, two Technoids jumped from behind the information counter right at the group!

Zero X. Diamond
"We're sick of telling people how to get to Socks Appeal! Use the fucking map!!"

* Zachariah and Lazarus Neo ambushed you!

Spoony Spoonicus
Ooo, shoehorned Biblical names. Those NEVER get old!

...Is what I would say if I ever thought pretentious 90s garbage like NGE or the Matrix was intelligent.  Or poignant.  Or well written by any measuring stick.
Zero X. Diamond
Lazarus Neo AKA Two Cool Sounding Things Slapped Together
Clobberpuppy
True story: I always thought "Lazarus" was an ice cream flavor until I learned otherwise.  "Yeah, I'll have a double scoop of Lazarus with some fudge on top."

* Zachariah drew his inhumanly large rifle from his back!
* Lazarus Neo's left arm burst open into a Vulcan Cannon while the leather glove on his right hand burst into black flames!
* Zero Diamond: "WHAT?!?!? THEY HAVE POSESSION OF THE GLOVE OF THE BLACK FLAMES????? NOOOOOOOOOO!!! That is rightfully mine... a strange man was just about to give me it when he was captured by the Technoids!!!"

Zero X. Diamond
Jesus, I think that random bullshit plot point just broke my neck!

* Zero Diamond became enraged!!! Zero Diamond thrusted his elbow viciously at Lazarus Neo! SMAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAASH!! 340 HP of damage done to Lazarus Neo!

Spoony Spoonicus
I didn't know his name, where he came from, why he was going to give it to me or even whether he's still alive, but nevertheless, HE MUST BE AVENGED!

* Ness swung his bat at Zachariah's head! 24 HP of damage done to Zachariah!
* Paula hit Zachariah in the back with her frying pan! 3 HP of damage done to Zachariah!
* Jeff powered up his Gaia Beam and fired it at Zachariah's shoulder! 78 HP of damage done to Zachariah!
* Poo used PSI Starstorm Omega! 34 HP of damage done to Zachariah! 45 HP of damage done to Lazarus Neo!
* Jack swung his katana at Zachariah's shoulder! 121 HP of damage done to Zachariah!

Mayor Mike Haggar
Why are the Earthbound heroes here again if they're ineffective to the point of being completely useless?
Mega Man
Decoys to draw aggro away from the REAL heroes.

* Tonberry lunged at Zachariah! ... just missed!
* Kid Lavos threw a punch at Zachariah! 43 HP of damage done to Zachariah!
* Lazarus Neo shot Zero several times with his Vulcan Cannon! 565 HP of damage done to Zero Diamond!
* Zero Diamond used his Saber Sword on Lazarus Neo and dealt him a fatal blow! 44283 HP of mortal damage done to Lazarus Neo! Lazarus Neo was scrapped!
* Lazarus Neo left a Vulcan Cannon Power-up and a Glove of Black Flame behind. Zero Diamond takes them.

Bad Box Art Mega Man
Enemies dropping new weapons to use against later bosses? Now he's cribbing on MY territory! The nerve!

* Zachariah fired a huge plasma blast at everyone! 534 HP of damage done to the gang! Some of the blast reflected off of the glass on the cash register! 212 HP of damage to Zachariah!

Mega Man
Well, that's some supreme bullshit writing of the highest caliber.
Spoony Spoonicus
Glass on a cash register? What is this, 1922?

* Ness slammed his baseball bat down on Zachariah's head! 453 HP of mortal damage done to Zachariah! Zachariah collapsed in a heap!
* Zachariah left a Ion Technoid Rifle behind. Zero Diamond takes it. All three of the items Zero took were stored put in his miniature warp storage.

"I don't think I'll be able to use that Ion Technoid Rifle unless I get some technical help modifying it. Jeff, could you help me with that later?" "Sure, why not?"

Mayor Mike Haggar
Well, at least he gets to do something besides just being Zero's cheerleader...

The group treks onwards to the next floor when suddenly...

When suddenly the lights went out.

"Just great...", muttered Jack,"Anyone got a flashlight?"

Clobberpuppy
Walking the whole twenty feet back over to the light switch is too much work!

Fortunately for the group, Jeff pulled out a large flashlight and flicked it on.

Spoony Spoonicus
He built it out of a broken tape dispenser using parts from a copy of Talking Battleship.

"Technoids can see in the dark.",explained Diamond."So this gives them an advantage."

As if on cue, a large beam of energy launched the group across the hallway. Everybody slammed into the wall, except for Diamond who had somehow managed to keep his footing.

Clobberpuppy
Ba da da dup da da dup FAAAAAAAART.


Jeff pointed his flashlight in the direction the beam came from to see..

Sean a human, his hands up in the air facing behind them.

"Who are you?" Zero asked.

Zero X. Diamond
"Yet another author character, here to further obscure the EarthBound portion of this fanfic."

"No time for that. I suggest you look behing you." Sean said charging another blast.

They turned around to see a badly damage Technoid. "Night Vision up!" Sean shouted as a pair of night vision goggles lowered onto his face.

Mayor Mike Haggar
Does he have to say "Night Vision Down" to make them go back up?  Where did they come from in the first place?  Is he Inspector Gadget or something?
Clobberpuppy
You noob, it's not important! Now watch this TOTALLY KICKASS FIGHT SCENE!

"I don't know what you are but you will Die!!" Sean shouted charging. The technoid dissapeared and reappeared behind him. "No you don't!" Sean said slicing around.

Zero X. Diamond
Uh oh! Looks like somebody is attempting to challenge Zero's try for the "Totally Cool Badass of the Month" award!

SMMMAAAASSSssshhhh! 4384 damage to Donaren (the technoid's name.)
Zero Diamond slashed Donaren 6837 damage.

Zero X. Diamond
Oh, thanks. I would have been wondering for the rest of my life who this Donaren guy is had you not taken the time to make this clear to me.

Ness attacked 2493.

Zero X. Diamond
Hey, what'd that number ever do to you??
Spoony Spoonicus
You know, Earthbound's combat wasn't exactly the definition of verbose. If you're already resorting to shorthand to get the fight scenes over with even quicker, it just shows how little you care!

Donaren was defeated. Sean received Technoid Ion Rifel, Sean received myterious crystal.

Zero X. Diamond
Another rifel? How myterious.
Mayor Mike Haggar
Oo, magic crystals. A plot coupon that could literally do ANYTHING the story may call for later!

(Fun fact: This never becomes important)

NEXT