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8/18/2016

How fanboys are born

Circa 1991-1998

1. Play game as a young child, enjoy it
2. Go to gaming forum hive-mind of Cluster B trash looking to share your experience with others.
3. Get told that said game is god's gift to the world and that by ever even thinking about playing anything else, you will become another target of their wrath and be stalked, doxxed and harassed to the point of suicide.  So keep that game in your system and that controller in your hand until Doomsday because WE OWN YOU NOW!
4. Join game's disgusting sociopath's personal army and wage war in its their name to the detriment of everything else in your life until your future becomes meaningless, you lose all ability to function in society and your parents disown you.
5. Eventually die of diabetes and cancer from subsisting on nothing but McDonald's and 47 bottles of Mountain Dew a day.
6. Quickly get forgotten by the sociopaths you sold your entire pathetic existence to as they groom a new attack dog to replace you and never spare you another thought for the rest of their lives.

Circa 2005-Present

1.  Develop vague interest in a game, type in "(Game Name) Metacritic" on Google, hit "I'm Feeling Lucky" and see that it got a 91/100 or better.
2. Decide said game must be objectively the best game ever because no other video game has ever gotten above a 90 on Metacritic!
3. Go to gaming forum hive-mind of Cluster B trash, willingly join in their hate-cult of your own accord because 91 ON METACRITIC FUCK THOSE HEATHENS WHO DARE SUGGEST IT'S ANYTHING LESS THAN GOD'S GIFT TO THE WORLD SNARL SNARL DROOOOOL
4. Join game's disgusting sociopath's personal army and wage war in its their name to the detriment of everything else in your life until your future becomes meaningless, you lose all ability to function in society and your parents disown you.
5. Sell all of your remaining worldly possessions and bestow every last penny to your name into your glorious leader's pocket because he streamed himself beating the game once and is therefore a god among men.
6. Become a ward of the state after being committed for viciously assaulting a Target manager who had the gall to suggest you get the fuck out of his store, take a shower and stop harassing their customers with your raving about a game you've never even actually played.
7. Quickly get forgotten by the sociopaths you sold your entire pathetic existence to as they groom a new attack dog to replace you and never spare you a thought for the rest of their lives.