Fishing for compliments - How and when does someone's life becomes so vacuous, empty and meaningless that they need to constantly be the center of attention and be praised for every single goddamn thing they ever say, think or do? News flash: you're not that fucking important and you never will be. Pull your head out of your ass and do something useful, like finding a way to stop being a drain on society and a wear on the sanity of everyone around you.
E-Beggars - Goes hand in hand with the "Internet Forums" rant from before, as they're almost invariably the same people who continually insist that their life's gone to shit and it's everyone's fault but their own... while they constantly use their 40% interest rate credit cards to buy new video games, computer parts or other expensive toys they don't need, then sit around all day fishing for sympathy and begging for money when they can't afford things they do actually need like food and shelter. Well guess what: If you weren't an unmotivated deadbeat loser who never learns from his mistakes, you wouldn't be constantly broke. Now either get a job, get some less expensive hobbies, declare bankruptcy or move into a mud hut in Sri Lanka and stop wasting my time.
"A funny joke I heard" stories - Guess what, douchebag: Those stupid jokes you make with your friends (most of which were stolen from particularly shitty Family Guy episodes) weren't funny when you first heard them, and they're pretty much unbearable when you sit there and explain the entire exchange out word-by-word and then say "it was so funny herpaderpdoodlydoo" to try and get a secondhand reaction. As our friend the Joker so eloquently put it:
Oh, and if someone's life is so pathetic and empty that they think parroting exchanges of inane banter over and over again to everybody they meet in the hopes of getting a reaction is the best way to fill time, do everyone a favor and shoot them in the head. Seriously. It's empty attention whoring at its worst and I can't fucking stand it.
"Bla bla bla here's a dream I had" - If there was any more definitive proof that someone is a vapid moron who just loves to hear himself talk, I have yet to hear of it. Guess what: Nobody gives a fuck about dreams because they're not real and they've never had an effect on a single goddamn thing anywhere, ever. Now work on developing an actual personality, or better yet, just shut the fuck up and go away.
Grammar/spelling nazis - Or as I hear whenever I hear them talk, "I'm a painfully unfunny, untalented, useless dickweed desperately grasping at any straw I can to to convince
People who worship media franchises for children - Guys, I liked the Ninja Turtles as a kid too; I watched the cartoons and movies, I played the video games, I read the comics. That was well over twenty years ago. Having viewed them again after many years of absence, I realize just how corny and absurd the whole franchise is, But that's apparently not the case for anyone else, who treat it as some golden cultural icon on par with the Magna Carta. Well, guess what: it's not. It's a dopey toy commercial for children full of cheesy humor, sloppy writing and absurd characters. It can be amusing at times, but it certainly is not one of humanity's crowning achievements by any stretch. Let it go already.
Oh, and stop wearing TMNT t-shirts. You're 35; it just makes you look like an asshole.
People who treat every mild inconvenience they encounter as some world shattering event - Well I'm frightfully sorry you had to search for more than half a second to find a thing exactly where I told you to find it, Lord Snotpuke, but the fact that you're still bitching about it over fifteen minutes later indicates only one thing to me: that you're a fucking narcissistic asshole who thinks his time is more valuable than mine even though you work the at same dead-end job I do and have no desire to ever move on to another because that'd mean you'd have to undergo random drug screenings you'd never pass. Now either eat a slice of humble pie already or just drink a fucking bullet, because if life is so unbearably shitty for you, then why are you still living it?